Finally the twins come down the stairs wearing ball gowns and accompanied by Jimmy the Chin, as if this is their debut into Orange County society. And later Alexis encourages the child guests to pester their parents into adopting one of the princess puppies on display because she certainly isn’t going to. And after the girls have blown out the candles on a castle cake bigger than my wedding cake, Alexis announces the final surprise: a horse-drawn Cinderella carriage. To take them where? Where will the four-year-olds be delivered in their pumpkin carriage? I guess it will drive them around the block so that the whole neighborhood will be sure and know that the Bellinos have once again spent a truckload of money they don’t have. Thank goodness there’s a camera crew to attract even more attention.
Later that night Heather is driving to pick up her son from football practice and she calls Terry to tell him she didn’t get the latest part she auditioned for. I don’t believe it! Heather is careful to remind us that she kind of doesn’t care because she doesn’t want to spend time away from her family. Terry says this will leave her more time to concentrate on the restaurant. Oh that’s right! Heather has grand things to focus on and bring to Orange County.
In this week’s mini-scene, Alexis snatches someone’s newborn baby at the princess puppy party and dangles him in Jim’s face, begging him to let her have just one more baby. Jonesing for another near-death experience to broadcast, Alexis? Jim is like, “Get that thing out of my face unless it’s going to invest in my next venture.”
“If you want to have a baby to SELL, we can talk.”
Let’s have dinner with Tamra and Eddie, shall we? As they sit down, Tamra talks about looking at real estate spaces for her gym, I mean fitness studio. I guess she’s really going to do that. It’s too bad Bravo keeps bankrolling all of these projects for these people. They also talk about moving the kids into Eddie’s house – the brilliant idea of the moment. Tamra starts bawling and says that if Eddie has to deal with her kids he’ll leave her. HA HA HA! Eddie says not to worry, but if he ends up hating her kids then they’ll break up and oh well. Someone’s keeping his options open. Tamra sobs that Eddie could have any girl he wants, like someone much younger… like Simon’s girlfriend who is half his age, lives with him, and drives her kids home from school. Eddie says yes he could, but he likes Tamra cause she’s hot AND smart. AND she doesn’t care that he’s gay. Most younger women are pickier about their boyfriends’ sexual preferences. But she needs to get rid of the Simon tattoo. Tamra whips out her hand and shows Eddie her fresh stitches.
“Say what now?”
Eddie passes out and falls onto the floor. He was counting on never having to buy a ring because that tattoo seemed pretty permanent and even the laser people couldn’t get rid of it. He only mentioned a ring after five unsuccessful laser sessions. Now what?
Let’s end the episode by making sure that life hasn’t gotten any kinder for Vicki and she’s still a tragic victim. She shows up at Briana’s place to remind her what a horrible daughter she is for running away and spoiling all of Vicki’s dreams of the spotlight by eloping. Also that Briana owes her big time, and that means embracing Brooks. Briana says she’s still very concerned about Brooks and the fact that Vicki hasn’t been on her own since she was 19 and maybe she should be before she falls into a relationship with a con artist. Briana reminds Vicki that she’s still married and Vicki says she’s not rushing into a divorce because selfish Donn wants spousal support. If he would just get up off her she could have been divorced six months ago. So if Briana wants to be mad at someone about Vicki’s situation, she should be mad at the man who raised her, not at the man who is currently out driving her mother’s car around and using her credit card to buy a new wardrobe. We find out that Ryan has been married before, which I find mildly interesting. Vicki found out on the internet, so Briana spouts off things about Brooks SHE read on the internet. Like that he’s not taking care of his kids, and that he has four kids by three different women. When she gets to this part, Vicki tries to shush her before it all gets on camera, but it’s too late. Vicki’s defends Brooks by saying he’s never lied to her about anything. Oh that’s a relief. It doesn’t matter if a guy’s a total scam artist dead beat dad as long as he’s upfront about it. Briana’s not impressed. Vicki keeps insisting it’s her life and she’ll make the decisions about it. I guess that doesn’t go for Briana, who is in her mid-twenties and living on her own. Here comes Briana’s line about knowing more than Vicki thinks. She says that Vicki has had an emotional relationship with Brooks for a long time and that emotional cheating is worse than physical cheating. And she knows this because of things she’s seen on Vicki’s own computer. Vicki gets up to storm out, telling Briana she’s out of line. She insists that for once in her life she’s happy. It’s not easy to be her! Okay? It’s NOT easy to be Vicki! She has a really tough time, doesn’t anyone care?
“I don’t even know if he has LIFE INSURANCE, Briana! Life insurance!”