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Hello beloved readers! This week brought us part one of our much-anticipated two part Season 7 Reunion!
The first hour didn’t bring us much new information to dissect, besides the fact that Alexis is mean to people in any kind of service job and some Nordstrom employees started a Facebook page about it. Most of the time was spent rehashing previous accusations and watching montages. Next week looks to be pretty amazing with Brooks emerging, veneers blazing, to confront Tamra and her evil eye, and Briana telling Vicki – again – that Brooks is bad news.
Our five housewives have graciously broken down hour one of the reunion into digestible tidbits of advice for appearing on a reunion special. Thanks, “ladies!” Let’s see what we can learn!
*When it’s your first reunion as brand new BFFs, trade hairpieces and wear the same color so that people can’t tell you apart and it really sinks in that you are one soul.
*If you realize that you’re looking older and older, despite modern surgery’s best efforts, put white eyeliner along your lower inner eyelids. Poof! You’re 24 again.
*If you’re mean to everyone all the time, pick one person at random to suddenly be nice to. This will prove that you are a loving person. Especially if you buy her a pink bracelet with a key charm.
*Inform everyone that you took your kids to therapy after getting engaged for the third time. Your love life can’t possibly hurt your kids if there is a psychologist watching them draw pictures of themselves burning your boyfriend’s house down.
*Two words: Big Hair.
*When your brain can’t wrap itself around simple English pronunciations, claim that you, being from Missouri, have an accent like British people which is why you sound like a complete imbecile.
*When you are shown footage of your husband acting like a controlling jerk and ordering you around, point out that you, unlike SOME people, are still married. Don’t worry that the reason you’re still married is because you don’t have permission to leave.
*After viewing a montage of yourself making ludicrous embellishments, claim that you were gangbanged by everyone calling you phony. This makes you a total martyr.
*When many, many people from many areas of your life have reported being treated badly by you, and some have even launched a Facebook page about it, just shake your head. If you refuse to acknowledge it, it will go away. You could also go door to door asking people if they called you a bitch. When no one fesses up, you’re off the hook!
*To nail home the point that you are not an obnoxious, materialistic person, mention that you have hired a private jet to fly people to your creepy husband’s birthday party. All doubt will vanish.
*When you’re caught participating in activities and relationships that you’ve blasted other people for, don’t panic. Just set very incident-specific parameters for which the word “hypocrite” can be applied so that it won’t be applied to you.
*If your super sketchy boyfriend has recently been featured in a Dateline segment about irresponsible fathers, just scream even louder that you’re happy for the first time ever and the only problem is that no one can stand your happiness.
*If you see your new faux friend being gangbanged by the other women, scream out that you were also gangbanged a couple of years ago so you totally get it. Plus you had the most bad things happen to you this season, so try to bring the focus back around where it belongs.
*If you’ve spent years hating someone, but now need her to be your fake BFF, explain that you only hated her because someone else whispered in your ear that you should. That same person now gives you the evil eye, so all bets are off.
*Wear white. It will make your boyfriend ignore your horrible skin because he’s thinking of you as a bride.