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Thursday, May 24, 2012
6:00 am
36 Comments
Tagged: alexis, bad skin, beaverface, eyebrow, gretchen, headphones, heather, mensa, schneider, slade, south, tamra, too stupid to live, toupee or not toupee, vagina, Vicki
***Please welcome our newest set of recapping sisters to cover for HoneyGangsta this week!! J&B!!! Welcome to the family, girls!
J & B here reporting from Texas- we are present and ready for action, as long as “action” means drinking heavily.
The episode opens with Vicki diligently doing nothing at her office, have you heard that she sells insurance? Cue Brooks entering stage right bringing coffee and breakfast to his lovely meal ticket and Vicki exclaims, “No one has ever brought me coffee before!” Even Brooks didn’t buy that, maybe he should be buying her Proactiv instead?
Hey, I brought the coffee- can you spot me a 20?
She then tearfully (we saw no tears, though they may have disappeared into a crevice) replayed the whole horrific scene between her and her daughter for Brooks. Explaining that it has to be issues with the bio dad or maybe the stepdad or maybe Superman’s dad or maybe it’s Obama? Dear Vicki, have you never been to therapy? They always blame the mother. No matter how perfect you think you are.
Vicki pleads with Brooks to like her kids, “Please don’t think they’re mean!”
“I don’t”
“Really because they think you’re an opportunist!”
Poor Brianna- her back must be killing her, what with that bus on it.
No worries, Vicki, Brooks isn’t interested in your assets. He’s in it to win it. He’s already landed…yes he’s landed alright, right in the middle of her living room!
After all that drama, her break ends so time to go- quick kiss, then a little shove. Here’s your hat, what’s your hurry?
Cut to Heather Paige Kent Eyebrow, oops! DUBROOOOOW (the ‘w’ is a silent ‘e’ or something) is having a posh lunch with one of her many super star friends she can show but can’t possibly name. Really, what was her name? They said Rob Schneider’s name and the whole scene is about names… I guess Heather doesn’t like to share top billing.
Heather proclaims royally that she is changing her name. The friend who shall apparently remain lastnameless declares “your changing your name to Terry’s”
Really lastnameless? Is there another endlessly patient man Heather has been married to for 12 years? If so, show him NOW, Heather’s storyline needs a boost!
No such luck- Heather is risking her branding on IMDB and take her husband of 12 years’ name. Because when you search on IMDB for eyebrow, all you get is Brooke Shields and Burt.
One of these things is not like the other…
Wow Heather, you’re right! Eyebrows are gross!
Lastnameless thinks it’s all so sweet since Heather did settle and Terry got such a catch, what more could he want? And Heather agrees, “He never wants anything!”
Cheers to that, Sista!
Let’s zip on over to Gretchen’s, where Slade has his robe open and his toupee on tightly. Ok, let’s talk hair, people. We often miss whole chunks of dialogue because of Slade’s hair (yes, it’s the hair, not that Slade is soooo boring). Gretchen wants to address his financial issues with a therapist. She is 34, which is like 60 in California years so they better get this shit settled! Slade’s face says “NO! NO!” but his mouth says, “Whatever, you want baby, I love you!” Which is cockwaffle for “Don’t kick me out!”
Don’t kick me out, don’t kick me out, don’t kick me out
Now we’re with Alexis in the car as she’s driving to a photo shoot. She calls her super supportive husband, Jim, to make sure he’s remembered the children. All is well and he’s handling it but apparently Alexis heard, “Get your ass back by 3″ because she tells that to anyone who will listen for the next several hours. “Hi nice to meet you, I need to leave by 2.” Maybe she just can’t read a watch yet? She can’t pronounce names either as Vanzil became Vanzelle. Wonder what she’d call Denzel Washington…
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36 Comments
“Even Brooks didn’t buy that, maybe he should be buying her Proactiv instead?”
HAHA! OMG I’m only on paragraph two and dying. Thanks for recapping this because I missed that whole conversation as I was busy wondering WTF was going on with Vicki’s FACE. Wonder if there’s a greeting card for THAT, Brooks?
“I love you even if your face reminds me of the Himalayas.”
Back to reading…
“ride the wave”…..huh….need to check my class notes from college re: Business 101
bbwwaahhhaahhaa— this is so awesome “Proactive”—snarking and snorting in glee!!!!!
Oh Brooks—so shady not unlike Sladey!!!!! heeheehee
But really—-we have some low, hanger-on dudes around here. I love Dr. Terry– he is a blast. I guess to see him I have to put up with Heather.
I can’t believe that episode actually happened. ALERT: Bravo has hit a new low.
Man these ‘woman’ are gross!
Vicki looks like Jaba the Hut when she speaks and sticks her tounge out. I also doubt either of them can use their nostrils.
Gotta side with TAM-RA on this one. Why doesn’t she just get Alexis ‘Naked Wasted’ is hse hates her that much? It’s a tried and true technique.
This may be a bold statement, but no one looks worse in HD than Vicki. It’s…disturbing.
Ah, yes. The old producer-driven “I’m planning a girl’s vacation to [location here], so we can just relax and get away from the drama” gag.
Which really amounts to be cunts to each other in a new location while wearing inadvisable bikinis.
I’m sorry. I’ve always pronounced it “Du-eyebrow” too. Ever since “The Swan”. (Ya’ll ‘member that? I think THEY even called him Dr. Du-eyebrow.)
I smell a “Return to Scary Island” episode coming up only with a cheaper, tackier rip off of the original cast.
Maybe Tamra can hire Jac’s drunk trainer. Nice cross over between the two shows.
I believe Gretchen is playing everyone she can for as long as she can.
Tamra where do you get off taking about fake boobs? You had zero problems being a gold digger. And none of Alexis’ children look like rapists, yet. Poor Alexis, not the brightest, but very harmless.
Vicki, I just don’t care anymore and I tune out.
Heather, bitch please.
Hope all is okay with Honey. Jane and Blanche (really that is your name – awesome) thanks for the great recap.
Step one: Take off the headphones. Have no idea why, can’t stop laughing at this.
Thanks all! We love HoneyGansta too and we had fun filling in!
excellent recap! I still haven’t seen it but of course I have an opinion. F me running, I can’t stand the casual fitness participant thinking they need to either become an instructor/personal trainer. A little advice for ya wonky tits, its not that easy. Maybe I’ll change my mind after watching the show and seeing their so-called interviewing of potential staff. It’s quite a bit like eyebrow wanting to open a restaurant because she likes to watch people eat. On the good side, maybe I’ll buy some of tami’s equipment for dirt cheap when her business fails.
LOL!!! Thank you for the recap and for noticing that place’s sign with the headphones. They might has well have a figure sitting in an armchair watching TV and drinking a beer and another figure wildly gesturing behind it. “Step one…take off the headphones” – that still has me laughing.
My husband just laughed his ass off when he overheard Jesus Jugs give us a geography lesson. I am not convinced that she is sure that she is still in the United States once she crosses the street. And that battle of the wits with her and Tamra? I am not sure that she understands what “behind my back” and “tell it to my face” means. I kind of felt sorry for she is going into these confrontations with a very rusty wheel and a very tired hamster trying to run it inside her head. It ain’t pretty.
Heather, Terry is totes adorable. Don’t get too ahead of yourself. Loved the chanel bag, but man, you got patient DMV personnel. At mine, a b-slap would have been forthcoming (and probably encouraged) if I went all “Top Model”.
Gretchen… run, girl, run! Slade gets seedier and seedier looking every episode. He is morphing into that Nick Nolte mugshot.
Oh, Vicki what was the licence plate of the tour bus you ran your kids over with? Damn, how good is Brooks at laying pipe that you have be so defensive and dismissive of genuine concern? But no worries, while Brooks is in her house doing an inventory of her furniture, etc, she will be micromanaging and shrieking it up in another land!! Woo hoo!!!!!
Vicki’s skin looked just awful in that scene with Brooks! And I don’t watch any of these bitches in HD. What cracked me up was the scene where she was making file folder labels while calling about the Costa Rica trip (which is in Mexico in the south). Is that really how a high powered insurance goddess spends her time?
Great recap, Jane and Blanche. But I’m not stopping by for dinner. I’m sure you understand.
This dude must be such an inspiration to Slade and Brooks:
http://www.cnn.com/video/?hpt=hp_c2#/video/us/2012/05/23/nr-hostin-man-with-24-kids-update.cnn
I want to know which DMV office Heather was at. The CA DMV is like the portal to hell…hot and overcrowded full of rude, unhappy, screaming, unsmiling, impolite people. And that’s just the employees.
Slade’s face when Gretchen suggested couples therapy was so shifty. To me, it said, “Wait. I thought we were playing We’re Getting Married. Has it switched to We’re In Trouble? You should have warned me before the cameras started rolling.”
Okay, I watched the last two episodes and Vicki never needs to pull her hair away from her face again. She’s always been homely but damn, when did she get so fugly? They’re all just so sad and haggard looking. I would have nightmares if I watched this in HD.
I am so glad someone finally let Alexis know how annoying she is. I wish it would’ve been Brianna instead as she can at least get to a POINT!
I can’t stand Alexis. She is smelling so much of herself no wonder she had to have sinus surgery. I have no tolerance for people that complain/brag about how much they do and how awesome they are. “Now I’m a queen hehehehehe *whisper* I am so awesome.”
Tamra is mean and trash, but Alexis wanted the meeting to hash things out.
My ass! She wanted to browbeat Tamra and defend herself against Tamra’s comments.
Alexis needs to be told what an idiot she is and that she’s not fooling anyone into thinking she does anything of worth.
Can’t wait for next week.
Ugly crying, oversized befoobed, stupid bitch.
Oh and Vicki’s face is looking worse and worse is because not only does she have acne, but she is picking at the acne. pimples don’t like to be picked at. They will have their vengance.
Question: Is that just a southern thing where women don’t sit their purse on the ground b/c of the superstition that there won’t be any money in it?
I mean I have had people damn near dive to catch my bag if they thought for a SECOND I was going to put it on the ground.
People at the DMV are ready for you to get in and out. And the rest of us waiting in line want the same Heather. Shut the hell up and sign the papers, I am on my lunch break and trying to renew my license.
Alexis seemed so proud of herself that she knew Costa Rica was south, she seemed to be waiting for her treat and a pat on the head, but didn’t get it because Costa Rica is not in Mexico (cue the Price is Right failure horn)
Is it me, or does Alexis’ nose look BIGGER after the nose job? I swear, her whole face looks different, and her eyes are now crossed (or they were before and I’ve never noticed cause of the big bump).
I had no problem with Tamra telling Alexis what’s what. Bitch, you asked… She is a braggart, and exaggerates anything she has and/or does. Like her news anchor position. She’s one of those people (we all know at least one like this) who runs around saying how busy they are, but yet either get nothing done or do something that the rest of us could do in 5 minutes vs. 2 hours. I think it’s a way of being “self important”, like being late all the time.
GREAT recap, J&B!! Hilarious! Are you recapping a show as “regulars”? Hope so! Welcome to the fam!!
@ S-Natch- thanks! We are still searching for a show, with so many seasons ending right now it’s hard to find one!
@featherhead- we thought the same thing about Alexis’s nose but then wondered if we were just comparing it to Tamra’s which is so small it must be hard to breathe through…
@Classy Drunk- We’ve lived in the south all our lives and never heard that one! But then our purses never have any money in them anyway.
@Sheesh- talk about a Honey Badger- keep preachin!!
Jane here… Leave it to Blanche to speak for both of us;)
@ classy drunk- I’ve heard of that purse thing! Blanche doesn’t get out much so forgive her
@sheesh-her face is horrible! Puffy and zitty and pure grossness.
Blanche also doesn’t understand the honey badger comment made in the mini caps but I think it’s pure genius ! Lol
@featherhead- I agree with Blanche, finally.
@S-natch- thanks!!!!
The Honey Badger is a viral video featuring nature documentary footage with voice over narration provided by Randall, a self-proclaimed animal lover who has since launched a successful YouTube series of similar videos. The Honey Badger video gained a great deal of popularity in early 2011 for its sassy commentary and irreverent personification of the mammals.
Honey Badger is badass! Honey Badger don’t give a shit!
Blanche here:
Thank you, Sheesh! That’s what I was going for! Jane can be such a bully!
I realize this is random as hell, but am I the only one who is annoyed by (or even notices) that Gretchen CONTINUOUSLY says “suN-thing” instead of “something”? It drives me crazy.
I still hate Alexis…..more and more every day.
Did anyone notice Alexis driving a Rolls Royce on her way to the photo shoot?
I noticed Vicky’s face too. I think that maybe she had some kind of face work done: fillers, botox, etc. Maybe those are the bumps left by the needles. I don’t know. It actually made me think about growing old. How some people age gracefully and their faces show passage of time and life experience, while the other people try to hold on to their youth and end up looking weird. She doesn’t look young, yet her face doesn’t look old either. It is puffy but not youthful and chubby. Just weird and a little bit sad. I hope that the swelling or whatever it is will go down.
Tmurda, I’ve noticed that, too. “Sunthing” is the way something is pronounced by beauty queens, cheerleaders and anyone else who has a perpetual smile. They don’t want to detract from the smile by actually closing their lips to form an “m.”
Icky’s cheeks make me cringe. They smoosh together so close to her nose that I’ll bet Brooks can motorboat them.
I don’t think her bumps are needle residual because they’re all in the fat part of the cheeks, not in creases, forehead or lips where you’d expect to see them. I wonder if that’s what you look like when you do your own make-up. She hasn’t looked nearly as finished in the last couple of episodes.
Speaking of make-up, may I go back several episodes to Alexis’ make-up fiasco in Vegas? Watching her unsuccessful attempts to wash off with a washcloth the make-up slathered on by the local artist, I had to wonder why someone who typically wears layers of face paint wouldn’t have make-up removing products somewhere in her mountain of luggage.
I still don’t know her name, but Eyebrow’s “superstar” friend played one of my favorite characters on Six Feet Under, Tracy Montrose Blair. And youtube even has her best scene:
Ugh. Brooks is the Vom.com
YES @ Tldfe! I noticed the Rolls Royce that Jesus Barbie was driving to her “photo shoot.”
Oh puhleeeeze. Perfect example of the fake bullshit that Tamra was talking about.
And, did anyone notice that she’s always insisting she didn’t have a nose job but had sinus surgery. However, at said photo shoot she told the photographer that her profile better look great because she just had a nose job. Dumb bitch!