***Please welcome our newest set of recapping sisters to cover for HoneyGangsta this week!! J&B!!! Welcome to the family, girls!
J & B here reporting from Texas- we are present and ready for action, as long as “action” means drinking heavily.
The episode opens with Vicki diligently doing nothing at her office, have you heard that she sells insurance? Cue Brooks entering stage right bringing coffee and breakfast to his lovely meal ticket and Vicki exclaims, “No one has ever brought me coffee before!” Even Brooks didn’t buy that, maybe he should be buying her Proactiv instead?
Hey, I brought the coffee- can you spot me a 20?
She then tearfully (we saw no tears, though they may have disappeared into a crevice) replayed the whole horrific scene between her and her daughter for Brooks. Explaining that it has to be issues with the bio dad or maybe the stepdad or maybe Superman’s dad or maybe it’s Obama? Dear Vicki, have you never been to therapy? They always blame the mother. No matter how perfect you think you are.
Vicki pleads with Brooks to like her kids, “Please don’t think they’re mean!”
“Really because they think you’re an opportunist!”
Poor Brianna- her back must be killing her, what with that bus on it.
No worries, Vicki, Brooks isn’t interested in your assets. He’s in it to win it. He’s already landed…yes he’s landed alright, right in the middle of her living room!
After all that drama, her break ends so time to go- quick kiss, then a little shove. Here’s your hat, what’s your hurry?
Cut to Heather Paige Kent Eyebrow, oops! DUBROOOOOW (the ‘w’ is a silent ‘e’ or something) is having a posh lunch with one of her many super star friends she can show but can’t possibly name. Really, what was her name? They said Rob Schneider’s name and the whole scene is about names… I guess Heather doesn’t like to share top billing.
Heather proclaims royally that she is changing her name. The friend who shall apparently remain lastnameless declares “your changing your name to Terry’s”
Really lastnameless? Is there another endlessly patient man Heather has been married to for 12 years? If so, show him NOW, Heather’s storyline needs a boost!
No such luck- Heather is risking her branding on IMDB and take her husband of 12 years’ name. Because when you search on IMDB for eyebrow, all you get is Brooke Shields and Burt.
One of these things is not like the other…
Wow Heather, you’re right! Eyebrows are gross!
Lastnameless thinks it’s all so sweet since Heather did settle and Terry got such a catch, what more could he want? And Heather agrees, “He never wants anything!”
Cheers to that, Sista!
Let’s zip on over to Gretchen’s, where Slade has his robe open and his toupee on tightly. Ok, let’s talk hair, people. We often miss whole chunks of dialogue because of Slade’s hair (yes, it’s the hair, not that Slade is soooo boring). Gretchen wants to address his financial issues with a therapist. She is 34, which is like 60 in California years so they better get this shit settled! Slade’s face says “NO! NO!” but his mouth says, “Whatever, you want baby, I love you!” Which is cockwaffle for “Don’t kick me out!”
Don’t kick me out, don’t kick me out, don’t kick me out
Now we’re with Alexis in the car as she’s driving to a photo shoot. She calls her super supportive husband, Jim, to make sure he’s remembered the children. All is well and he’s handling it but apparently Alexis heard, “Get your ass back by 3″ because she tells that to anyone who will listen for the next several hours. “Hi nice to meet you, I need to leave by 2.” Maybe she just can’t read a watch yet? She can’t pronounce names either as Vanzil became Vanzelle. Wonder what she’d call Denzel Washington…