11 hours later, the whole gang piles out of Costa Rican cars at their Costa Rican resort. The last leg of their trip was a three hour car ride to the resort from the airport, which Vicki quickly learns was unnecessary because there is an airport 15 minutes away. Vicki is furious and apparently she is the one responsible for making these arrangements. Everyone takes their bags to their rooms then reconvenes at the pool for cocktails and appetizers. Everyone, that is, except for Vicki, who Tamra concludes is probably on the phone with Brooks, which is ironic because she used to make fun of everyone else for talking on the phone to their husbands (or Slade). When Gretchen and Alexis get up in arms about it, Heather suggests that perhaps Vicki was envious of what they had. When Vicki emerges, she gulps down a cocktail and instructs everyone on what to wear ziplining the next day, including no diamonds. Alexis announces that she’ll be fine because she’s just wearing her huge cubic zirconia, so no one will want to rob her. Heather tells her robbers won’t realize it’s fake before they rob her, so she’s not any safer. I guess Alexis thinks that if her REAL ring is safe, that’s all that matters. She can always call back her private nurse to put frozen peas on her battered face after being mugged. Then Alexis announces that she’ll be going home after only two days because she has three babies at home. Vicki points at Heather and says she has four babies.
Alexis: Well I don’t have a nanny.
Heather: I don’t have one either.
Alexis: Well my husband needs to work. He can’t be at home like I am.
Heather (to us): I have four kids and one is a baby. If Terry can handle this, Jim can certainly handle it.
It’s true. After all, Terry is a plastic surgeon and Jim is just a hustler. Vicki starts woo-hooing and screaming that her love tank is full. Then she remembers about Briana’s elopement and fake cries. Heather tells her to let it go already. THANK YOU. It looks like Drunk Vicki is out to play.
At breakfast the next morning, Alexis keeps telling the chefs very slowly that she would like egg whites. When they ask if she wants them scrambled, she says, “Egg WHITES. No YELL-OW.” They speak English, Alexis. Do you? Everyone is dressed really funny. Vicki, Gretchen and Tamra are all in camouflage like they’re about to join some Central American guerrilla army, and Alexis is dressed, as Tamra points out, like a zookeeper. Heather is the only one who looks normal in workout clothes. Presentation is everything. A monkey appears on a nearby rooftop, but before Heather can snap a picture on her iPhone, it leaps into some trees. Vicki screeches, “Did he die?!” While Alexis frantically says, “He just fell! He just fell!” This is going to be a long trip.
In the car ride on the way to ziplining, the girls pass around a canteen of booze and scream bloody murder when they see an ox wandering around the side of the road.
“Pack animals are silly.”
Heather is about to come undone. She tells us these women are nothing like her other friends, who I’m sure would be calmly riding in a helicopter on their way to a diamond mine or something, instead of this nonsense. To nail the point home, Vicki wants to play the alphabet game, so she starts with, “I’m going on a picnic and I’m going to bring my anus.” Then wants Tamra to repeat it with something dirty that starts with B. Tamra says she’s bringing her vagina. Oh my gosh, I’m siding more and more with Heather and I never used to think that would happen.
Preparing to zipline, Alexis shrieks and giggles while one of the guides (either Diego, Jorge or Jose) helps her into her harness then offers to braid her hair for her. This is why Jim is resistant to letting her out of the house. Men can’t resist touching her extensions. While the guys explain how the ziplining adventure will work, Gretchen and Heather are kind of nervous, but Alexis acts like an old pro because apparently she’s done this before. Vicki woo-hoos through her turn, but when veteran Alexis is up, she starts worrying that branches are going to hit her new nose, ruining her surgery and blocking up her airways again and she’s not so sure she wants to do this. She then proceeds to scream and hesitate from the jump-off for about a half hour while everyone stands around begging her to go.
“My mucus plugs hurt!”