She finally goes, but her histrionics would indicate that she’s jumping out of an airplane instead of ziplining a few yards. Everyone is annoyed. Heather has zero trouble after watching Alexis make a total fool of herself. Alexis continues to wail in distress and Drunk Vicki continues to think she’s cute and endearing while being completely irritating and obnoxious. Tamra asks Vicki what she was like in high school. Like was she this annoying? Vicki says she was totally popular and she was going to marry Bob Tomato. BOB TOMATO was Vicki’s high school boyfriend!? HA HA HA! Vicki Tomato? But she kicked Mr. Tomato to the curb and married Mike because he had a nice car and a nice butt. I can’t imagine why that marriage fell apart. The girls point out that Vicki was four years younger when she got married than Briana, but Vicki says that’s not the point. Her parents knew Mike and they were engaged for a year and a half and had a real wedding. Through all this she is shrieking and laughing and singing and everyone is baffled by her odd behavior. It’s called alcohol, ladies. Maybe she can’t hold as much as y’all. She WORKS. When Vicki gets mad at Gretchen for saying “penis,” Tamra reminds her that she said “anus” and calls her a hypocrite. Drunk Vicki’s pendulum swings and she’s PISSED. How DARE Tamra call her the same word Gretchen called her when they had their big fight? Tamra argues back while Heather claps her hands chanting, “Let it go! Let it go!” Poor mommy Heather.
Vicki: “I would NEVER say P-E-N-I-S, Tamra!”
Later that night, everyone changes into their very carefully selected dinner outfits. Gretchen stops by to pick up Alexis and Heather stops by to pick up Tamra. No one wants to get Vicki, ha ha ha. Tamra begins by telling Heather that she’s using cutlets to stuff her dress because this is the first time she’s worn it since she got her fake boobs removed. She jokes that the cutlets are Alexis’s lips, but I’m stuck on the fact that all Tamra has done is moved her implants from beneath her skin to beneath her dress. What was the point of taking them out if she’s just going to stuff her bra? Anyway, they talk about how Alexis kept acting hysterical ziplining and Tamra says she has to try to get attention because she’s not getting it “somewhere else.” Heather says in all sincerity, “Oh is that why she dresses like that?” I almost die laughing. I guess Heather won’t be ordering any Alexis Couture off the internet.
“Maybe next we’ll do a wardrobe intervention. She needs a clothier.”
Heather says she will absolutely speak for Terry if Alexis brings him up, which Tamra thinks is funny because Alexis always says SHE doesn’t speak for HER husband and his bad behavior.
The girls have dinner at a restaurant called Claro Que Seafood, which Heather thinks is really cute and she explains why. Now pay close attention here, people, because NONE of the housewives could put this together – even after Heather explained it several times. In Spanish “claro que si” means “of course.” The restaurant is called Claro Que Seafood, so it’s a play on the Spanish term of “of course,” incorporating the fare they specialize in, which is seafood. Super complicated, right? You could write a dissertation on how confusing that is and still no one would ever understand it or come to eat at the restaurant. That’s what Tamra and Gretchen think. Alexis’s brain explodes.
Vicki finally arrives and her hair is once again in an ill-advised arrangement, with the very front part in a bubble above her forehead. And the bubble is all lopsided. I guess this is Vicki cutting loose and getting crazy. Vicki wants to sing some more and Tamra asks about this new Vicki. Vicki says she’s happy. She’s always been happy, she just had a down period. Tamra didn’t know her before when she was happy. I think we can safely replace the word “happy” with “drunk.” Heather brings up that all the guys are going to go out to dinner back in Orange County and she asks Alexis if Jim is going. Alexis says she doesn’t want to be in the middle of that, but the only way Jim would go is if Terry called him, knowing what Terry said about Alexis. And while we’re on the subject, let’s just bring the “white elephant” in the room out into the open. Oh Alexis. I was wondering how long you could keep your mouth shut with that white elephant hovering.
“I know your husband called me a pony.”