At the airport, all the ladies arrive and everyone seems to be doing their level best to be fake with one another. That is until Adriana shows up with five bags and no passport. She has one bag devoted entirely to makeup, and that shit was only acceptable on “The Nanny.”
I have one for shadow, one for blush and two for lipsticks!
Then she realizes that she brought her wardrobe, but forgot her passport and expects the women to wait for her as she runs home to get it. Lea can’t believe Adriana refuses to have the maid do it, but the maid’s “too slow,” apparently. Lea doesn’t seem to understand why Adriana just doesn’t have the maid’s maid do it, but she’s too bored with the conversation to further it.
Adriana flounces out, and the airline attendants say that the flight must take off at 11:30am, which is in a half hour. Lea asks the other ladies if they should just wait a certain amount of time (like, say, 30 minutes?) and then just go? Ana, because she’s the smartest, calls out that Lea was totally trying to find a nice way of saying, “We’re ditching her, right? Because I remembered my fucking passport.” Joanna’s all, “Fuck her, I could leave right now,” but I think we all saw that coming.
We’re not gonna bond for shit if she can’t follow basic instructions.
It gets to be that time, and the ladies head onto a tiny, but private plane bound for Biminy. Aw, rich people… It’s so sweet the amount of discomfort they’ll endure to avoid mixing with commoners and uglies. Marysol freaks out, whines and wears her life jacket for the entire ride, and if I had been on that flight, there is not an FAA regulation in the world that could have stopped me from reaching across the aisle and pulling that delightful little rope so inflated rubber could muffle her voice.
The plane lands without incident (BORED), and the ladies hop on a boat to head to the resort. The boat captain happily announces that all the sharks spotted around Miami are born right there in Biminy – but the ladies shouldn’t worry, “They love you!” Objection – EXTREME bullshitting.
Baby Shark: What are those, Momma – they look so shiny and tasty!
Mama Shark: Oh, stay away from those, Baby. They may look tasty, but that’s just a natural defense. They’re filled to the brim with silicon, botulism and hatred. Remember Uncle Gordon?
Baby Shark: Yeah, he ate one? Is that why he started dressing like a moron?
Mama Shark: It sure is…
Finally, the ladies arrive at the resort and split into two different houses. One house has a bay view and one house has an ocean view. Joanna, who has no future in acting whatsoever unless it’s on the WB, interviews that she wanted the women to room with whom they felt most comfortable. THAT’S why Ana, Alexia, Adriana and Marysol are stuck in the bayside hovel, and she, Karen’t, Lisa and Lea get to languish in an ocean side manor. Ha! Joanna can barely keep from giggling as she reveals this whole thing, and she’s had kind of a rough time of it, lately, so I’m the eensiest bit happy she gets to be in control for a bit. #smallvictories