RHOM Recap: E-Trayal

Recaps

By Alejandra | Tuesday, October 23, 2012 | 6:00 am | 8 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Real Housewives of Miami, Recaps

Because Marta’s life is entirely a function of what happens in Joanna’s, she immediately spills Jo’s dirty Romain laundry to Lisa.  Lisa doesn’t buy that Romain would be stupid enough to fuck around on Joanna, but Marta’s not so sure.  Daysy tries to hang out on the bed with Marta and Lisa after bringing them dinner in bed, but she soon realizes that when Marta’s in town, Lisa doesn’t need a friendployee.  She just needs a ployee.  Does anyone else think Daysy watches Lisa sleep? 

In preparation for Joanna and Romain’s special night, which is now sullied by e-betrayal, she and Ana go shopping for risotto supplies.  Ana’s older and smarter (SO MUCH SMARTER IT IS NOT EVEN MEASURABLE BY CURRENT INSTRUMENTS) than Marta, so she advises Joanna to move with caution regarding the e-trayal.  She explains that she and Robert shared only silence (I really want her to wistfully whisper “Silencio,” but I think that reference is too meta) at the end, and the fact that Joanna and Romain are actually fighting means there’s something worth fighting for.  Ana advises that Joanna make it seem like she need Romain, because while he probably respects Joanna’s “capabilities” and “accomplishments,” he probably needs to feel wanted and necessary, too.  Joanna decides to approach the whole situation calmly and really fight to make it work with Romain. 

Is it lame that I really, REALLY want it to work out between these two?  Like, almost as much as I wanted Janeway and Chakotay to make sweet, sweet space love way out there in the Delta Quadrant… Where no one could judge them…

Yeah, it’s lame.

And before the episode gets all girly and sad sacky, it’s time for the “Joanna and Marta Bitchcook Hour,” during which I laughed for days.  DAYS.  First of all, apparently there are no dishes in the house.  At all.  Joanna seems to have gone to Crate and Barrel and purchased like, an entire kitchen.  Sheesh, no wonder no one ever went grocery shopping.  Who wants to stare longingly at food that has no vehicle to your mouth?  Also, I wish I could go to Crate and Barrel ON A WHIM.  #tiredofbeingpoor

Anywho, Marta and Joanna bumble through risotto, but only have one fight and only need to make one emergency call to Ana regarding whether or not it’s safe to use raw broth (it is!).  The dinner comes together flawlessly, and the most important part is a success – Marta leaves before Romain gets there!  Can you imagine if he came home to a gorgeous romantic dinner only to have Marta walk through the room?  Headplosion.

And now for the Yalta of Romantic dinners.  Romain comes home and is surprised to find dinner.  I kind of roll my eyes because it ain’t news to me that Joanna doesn’t cook.  But then it comes out that in the FIVE YEARS they’ve been together, Joanna’s literally paid for one lunch and purchased one watch.  That’s five birthdays, five Christmases and countless greeting card holidays that Joanna has completely ignored.  No wonder he doesn’t like her anymore.  He’s clearly happy she made this effort, though, as evidenced by all his giggling.  Gasmii, he has got a boyish side that just DOES things to me I cannot blog about.  Moving on.

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About

Alejandra lives in Los Angeles and is an actor/writer/producer of opinions.  She loves the beach, but never goes, and hates reality stars, but follows them religiously.  In addition to TVGasm, you can read her writing at the online magazine DigN2It, or various fanfiction websites if you're industrious enough to find her.  If you're not industrious at all, a bottle of fine wine will always be an acceptable bribe.

8 Comments

  1. 1
    fatcamp fatcamp
    Posted October 23, 2012 at 6:52 am

    I DIED when Elsa called out Elaine. “I would not be caught dead in dat rrrrred rrrrag.” AMAZING. I forgive your face now, Elsa.

  2. 2
    labowner
    Posted October 23, 2012 at 10:01 am

    “She also calls them fat, which is AWESOME”

    How is that statement any less kindergarten behavior?

  3. 3
    kthxbai kthxbai
    Posted October 23, 2012 at 10:37 am

    @Alejandra I’m enjoying the hell out of your recaps! Because of stuff like this:

    she looks at Elaine like a really overdressed cockroach just sat down next to her
    She only did that because that’s exactly what had happened though.

    Elaine’s a disgrace to Drag Queens. And I’m calling it “red rag” from now on.

    I had to go (¬_¬) at Adriana bragging about how she had Mama Elsa’s back. When she didn’t do jackshit. But then it’s not like Mama Elsa needs help to stomp on an overdressed cuca. Plus I’m suspicious she didn’t want Adriana or anybody else trying to. And Adriana’d rather look lame to the world than piss Mama Elsa off. I would too.

    Oh I also have to apologize because I said they never said Carlos Cruz-Diez’s name in his episode. It did get said but just once and not loud and if you blinked like me you missed it. (And also for not putting a pain pill warning at the start of this comment)

    Adriana’s right about how Karent acted. No matter who any of them are. Just because of his age she was wrong. In 2039 that whole scene’s going to be still getting analyzed to death some places.

    But what’s really got Adriana mad isn’t even about that. It’s because she hooked Karent’s ass up to get on the show in the 1st place. And now she’s getting reflected on and embarrassed. So when she hollers at Karent she’s really hollering at herself. For getting mixed up with the wrong person. Again.

    I already confessed having a pro Adriana bias. But if she thinks I’m going to defend her slapping anybody she better sit down to wait.

    But with Alexia it’s the opposite. Because of something I already had 1 hissy fit about on here. When it’s not the place. So all the comment about her I can say is I’ve sat down to wait to see what she’s going to do about that husband she’s got.

    Who wants to stare longingly at food that has no vehicle to your mouth?
    made me LOL. It also made me so thankful to have dishes AND paper plates that I had go get a big piece of fat cake some salad.

    I love that pic of Ru. I would’ve left his real eyes on though. Since black eyes and yellow hair’s such a pretty look. But so few people come like that. And it’s near about impossible to get it to look good if they didn’t. But Ru styles up beautiful any which way.

  4. 4
    Jason
    Posted October 24, 2012 at 1:00 pm

    Karent is like an encyclopedia salesman. You can insult them, ignore them, taunt them, and they’ll just keep smiling away.

    In any case, this show is a dud. The only reason to watch it is when Romain’s on. If I had that man, I’d be doing all sorts of nasty things seen only in XXX films to him, to keep him happy and horny. Joanna’s a big, boring, plastic bore, and her sister is like a flea on a bore’s back.

  5. 5
    polk8dot
    Posted October 24, 2012 at 2:43 pm

    Elsa’s cut down of Elaine was a thing of beauty. Gotta love this woman!
    Adriana knows what side her bread is buttered on (Mama Elsa’s side, duuh ;) ), and she will protect her stake in any territory to the end, especially from ‘f#$king wannabes’. And that includes Both Elaine and Karen_(T?) .

    Ana’s husband is truly the most worthless piece of male insignificance I’ve seen in a long time. For shame, guy, grow some balls already! His treating Ana like his mommy creeps me out.

    Speaking of creepy – how can a woman so pretty, so self-assured, so willful, so clearly educated and thus possessed of some tangible intelligence, be so fricking stupid? I’m beginning to believe that she is fully in on the joke with the fake relationship with the ‘Lating Soap Star’. There is no way in hell that she truly thinks they are in a REAL relationship, right? Whatever her reason for it (ummm,… publicity???? eye roll) she must know we all see the bullshit behind it. I think she let herself slip when she told Adriana that she is ‘an actress and a spokesperson’. Bwahahah. To me that confirmed that she is just a famewhore, like some of the basest of the housewives (Nene and KimZ, hello), and she will do anything to increase her PR exposure, and a ‘relationship’ with all its fake ups and downs is a great way to hog some camera time.
    So I can – maybe – understand her motivation behind it. But she does CREEP the shit out of me with her implanted smile. F@#K me!!!!! It’s as if her cheeks are super glued to the corners of her mouth. How can a NORMAL person keep her mouth open in that painful position ALL THE F@#KING TIME?!?!? I can’t imagine her having any real friends left, especially women. Her smile (‘if you don’t like it don’t look my way’) is as grating as her plastic fake personality.

    Joanna – can’t believe she had NO DISHES in the house!!! 5 years of living together, and she NEVER EVER ONCE bothered to cook for him? No words……

    Lisa – surprisingly, I am really warming up to her. I thought (on first look – my bad :( ) that she is just like Shlemille, empty and vapid. But she proved me wrong. She’s warm, funny, friendly, NOT stupid (still waiting to see how smart actually), caring, and speaks her mind (always admirable if you can do it without being an ASSHOLE, and she does). I saw her pic from Playboy – God, she used to be so freshly, girly beautiful! What the hell did she do to her face? She is still so young, and already soooooo much plastic surgery damage? Why???

    Leah – Her hateful condescension to all the women sickens me. She is an empty shell of a person, with an absent husband who seems not to give a crap about her. Yet she behaves as if she were the Emperess of Miami, the Sun Goddess of Philantrophy, and the pilar of the High Society. Bitch, please, get over yourself. You’re old, you’re nasty, jealous and hateful, you’re fake, and you cackle like a hyena. All you ever accomplished on your own was snagging that rich, old , ugly, world-class-liar husband who now wants nothing to do with you. Everything else you bought with his money. You are nothing without them! F-ing viper. And still an ASSHOLE!

  6. 6
    labowner
    Posted October 24, 2012 at 3:31 pm

    Polk8dot – fillers not surgery or she is lying about her age. I see that a lot out here in SF. Young women don’t understand they look older trying to stay young looking.

    Joanna – what a louse. Hasn’t given him or paid for anything in 5 years of being together? Wonder if she made him pay for the dishes?

  7. 7
    AmyOops AmyOops
    Posted October 24, 2012 at 4:47 pm

    The latter. Back to reading… :-)

  8. 8
    AmyOops AmyOops
    Posted October 25, 2012 at 4:58 pm

    Sorry, I’m way behind in my reading and watching, however…

    “If I didn’t love Elsa before, I sure as shit do now, because she looks at Elaine like a really overdressed cockroach just sat down next to her.”

    …this fan-fucking-tastic statement is so awesome I had to give you props!

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