Welcome back to the Real Housewives of New Jersey. We are still in Chicago.
And the first order of business is Teresa’s on a new magazine cover. With her mortal enemy – a dog. Let’s see what everyone has to say about it. Actually, before we do that, let’s get to the important priority and that’s feeding Lauren. She immediately gets on the phone with room service and announces all the food she’s going to “do”. “Let’s do the cheese platter, and do you have a fruit plate? Let’s do the fruit plate.”
Who am I kidding? Let’s do the cheeseburger.
I should have made a bonfire with the thousands of dollars I spent starving Lauren. Then at least we could have burned Teresa at the stake.
Also going on in the Manzo room – Gay Sidekick Greg is unhappy with the selection of toothpaste packed by Mama Manzo, who really could give a shit. She tells him if he doesn’t like her toothpaste, to go buy his own brand. It’s the stupidest setup ever to get Gay Sidekick out of the room so he can walk back in the room with a tabloid.
Just got back from that toothpaste store / newsstand conveniently located right outside the door to this room. That is the very logical explanation of why I am wearing this robe.
And what do we make of this? Well, I predict no one will be too happy. “She kind of threw you under the bus,” Gay Sidekick reports to Caro. I guess they quote Teresa saying that the other ladies are “bullying” her because of her financial situation.
“Joe Guidice could live in a cardboard box as long as he has his cigars and his wine,” is Caro’s new opinion. And it’s just Teresa trying to keep up with Melissa. Oh, so now the Brown Smurf isn’t to blame anymore either. Caro goes on to complain, complain, complain, blame Teresa for everything wrong in the world and then congratulate herself for taking the high road.
Meanwhile, Chris and Jacquee sort of mildly note that Queen Caro will not like the article, but good for Ter for getting out there and hustling, sort of. And of course, the burning question on everyone’s mind…
WTF with the dog?
The great minds at the tabloid headquarters have posed Ter in the picture with the dog, and since everyone knows how much she hates dogs, that’s their big problem with the thing.
Let’s do the Philly cheesesteak – oh wait, we’re in Chicago.
And then, we intrude on some alone time with Ter and the Brown Smurf. It’s nauseating. And then they bring KY jelly in the mix. I don’t really want to dwell on it at all but it is probably worth mentioning.
She jumps all over him and the talks about civil rights while Smurf says that the gay wedding doesn’t count but it should be very pretty. She defends his butthole comment to Gay Sidekick by saying that Gay Sidekick is clearly too sensitive.
Over at Chris and Jacque’s, Jacquee is ready to leave the tabloid on display, on display, on display on the coffee table for when Ter shows up to get ready for the wedding. Chris practically begs her not to mention it. Jacquee compromises on asking Ter if she got a puppy, which is done the moment Ter arrives in the suite.
Ter tries to explain the magazine covers to Jacquee. Jacquee says that she suspects the tabloids are all a scam. Ya think? “Honey, I got nothing to do with what they put on the cover,” snaps Ter. Do you have any other covers coming up, Jacquee wants to know. Well, actually yes. Since everyone is accusing her and Brown Smurf of being on the road to divorce, their next move is to stage a wedding.
And then it’s back onto the party bus, where the talk is Lauren and Vito’s relationship. He doesn’t want to shave for her, and he wants to drink lots of wine. She says they’re not as close to marriage as everyone thinks.