RHONJ Recap: Classy With Cream

Recaps

By ChickBomb | Wednesday, June 13, 2012 | 2:40 am | 35 Comments
Posted in: Real Housewives of New Jersey, Recaps

Welcome back to the Real Housewives of New Jersey. We are still in Chicago.

And the first order of business is Teresa’s on a new magazine cover. With her mortal enemy – a dog. Let’s see what everyone has to say about it. Actually, before we do that, let’s get to the important priority and that’s feeding Lauren. She immediately gets on the phone with room service and announces all the food she’s going to “do”. “Let’s do the cheese platter, and do you have a fruit plate? Let’s do the fruit plate.”

Who am I kidding? Let’s do the cheeseburger.

I should have made a bonfire with the thousands of dollars I spent starving Lauren. Then at least we could have burned Teresa at the stake.

Also going on in the Manzo room – Gay Sidekick Greg is unhappy with the selection of toothpaste packed by Mama Manzo, who really could give a shit. She tells him if he doesn’t like her toothpaste, to go buy his own brand. It’s the stupidest setup ever to get Gay Sidekick out of the room so he can walk back in the room with a tabloid.

Just got back from that toothpaste store / newsstand conveniently located right outside the door to this room. That is the very logical explanation of why I am wearing this robe.

And what do we make of this? Well, I predict no one will be too happy. “She kind of threw you under the bus,” Gay Sidekick reports to Caro. I guess they quote Teresa saying that the other ladies are “bullying” her because of her financial situation.

“Joe Guidice could live in a cardboard box as long as he has his cigars and his wine,” is Caro’s new opinion. And it’s just Teresa trying to keep up with Melissa. Oh, so now the Brown Smurf isn’t to blame anymore either. Caro goes on to complain, complain, complain, blame Teresa for everything wrong in the world and then congratulate herself for taking the high road.

Meanwhile, Chris and Jacquee sort of mildly note that Queen Caro will not like the article, but good for Ter for getting out there and hustling, sort of. And of course, the burning question on everyone’s mind…

WTF with the dog?

The great minds at the tabloid headquarters have posed Ter in the picture with the dog, and since everyone knows how much she hates dogs, that’s their big problem with the thing.

Let’s do the Philly cheesesteak – oh wait, we’re in Chicago.

And then, we intrude on some alone time with Ter and the Brown Smurf. It’s nauseating. And then they bring KY jelly in the mix. I don’t really want to dwell on it at all but it is probably worth mentioning.

She jumps all over him and the talks about civil rights while Smurf says that the gay wedding doesn’t count but it should be very pretty. She defends his butthole comment to Gay Sidekick by saying that Gay Sidekick is clearly too sensitive.

Over at Chris and Jacque’s, Jacquee is ready to leave the tabloid on display, on display, on display on the coffee table for when Ter shows up to get ready for the wedding. Chris practically begs her not to mention it. Jacquee compromises on asking Ter if she got a puppy, which is done the moment Ter arrives in the suite.

Ter tries to explain the magazine covers to Jacquee. Jacquee says that she suspects the tabloids are all a scam. Ya think? “Honey, I got nothing to do with what they put on the cover,” snaps Ter. Do you have any other covers coming up, Jacquee wants to know. Well, actually yes. Since everyone is accusing her and Brown Smurf of being on the road to divorce, their next move is to stage a wedding.

And then it’s back onto the party bus, where the talk is Lauren and Vito’s relationship. He doesn’t want to shave for her, and he wants to drink lots of wine. She says they’re not as close to marriage as everyone thinks.

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35 Comments

  1. 1
    Wasabipeas wasabipeas
    Posted June 13, 2012 at 5:24 am

    The part with Brown Smurf and Ter and the KY made me throw up a little. Really.

  2. 2
    Mimo
    Posted June 13, 2012 at 6:31 am

    Made me throw up a lot.

  3. 3
    cloudsinmycoffee
    Posted June 13, 2012 at 6:53 am

    Brown Turd needs to tuck himself into under a bridge and stay there until someone guesses his real name.

    Gay Sidekick so fucking annoying, I cannot stand his ass. Why the fuck was he there, that’s my question! If Teresa and Dina are so close and Jaime and Dina are so close, it stands to reason that Jaime would know Teresa and would make sense that he invited her. But Gay Sidekick? And he was staying in Caro’s room, so he was piggybacking on the Manzos, AGAIN. What does he do for work?? We know Caro pays for her grown children to live, so where does that leave him. Is he just famewhoring along? Whatever.
    And if Caroline is such an “open” person who doesn’t tolerate things, why hasn’t she confronted Teresa already? Why does she keep hiding behind the pretense of taking the high road? Just tell her you don’t like her and keep it moving!

  4. 4
    Yanksfan24
    Posted June 13, 2012 at 7:42 am

    I’m sure it was for filming purposes but I thought it was funny when they showed a shot of the guests for the wedding, all the Housewives and their families were seated off to the side apart from the rest! It’s like no one wanted to sit by them.

  5. 5
    reality
    Posted June 13, 2012 at 8:03 am

    I too was staring at the kids at the party. I was hoping they were doing more appropriate activities somewhere with a sitter, not watching that bad example and being in all the drunken chaos.

    Loved the shots of Lauren continuing to order food.

    I think the wedding was planned in a month (after years together) just to take advantage of filming. And that’s kind of sad to cause such a scheduling problem for your 10 other siblings that can hardly make it, just to film.

  6. 6
    Lynds
    Posted June 13, 2012 at 8:20 am

    @cloudsinmycoffee Clearly Greg is there as Chris Manzo’s date.

  7. 7
    caligal
    Posted June 13, 2012 at 8:27 am

    First my eyes are assaulted by the shot of Juicy and his bedside KY, and THEN my ears are assaulted (even moreso than usual by this show) thanks to Joey Numbnuts and Miss On Display’s newest single. I need to buy stock in Clorox.

  8. 8
    Sunshine
    Posted June 13, 2012 at 8:49 am

    I love this site and I love the fact that people can talk about who they like and dislike without being attacked by fanatics. The captions are the best! I’m not a huge Theresa fan, but I think Carolyn is really getting overly obnoxious about making everything she hates in the world about Theresa.

    It’s obvious menopause is getting her good.. I know this because I’ve been there….however, there is no excuse for that stupid looking hat she has on LMAO….and someone should tell her just because she’s in menopause she can still go to a salon and get a haircut.

    Theresa and the WTF with the dog questions is too funny…..her husband remains disgusting and I look forward to the season of her visiting him in jail to press her bare boobs against the glass so they can have pretend sex while he is incarcerated all the while saying to the camera….” I love love love my Joe in his prison stripes!”

  9. 9
    Classy Drunk classy drunk
    Posted June 13, 2012 at 9:00 am

    Ter please stop trying to act like Juicy Joe is all over you. It’s not working.

  10. 10
    labowner
    Posted June 13, 2012 at 10:12 am

    Sunshine, they are all obnoxious. :) We respectfully disagree over here. I have heard there is some shit talking back in forth on some of the other shows comment sections though.

    Yanksfan they probably did that seating for filming purposes, easier than having to blur out faces etc.

    Chickbomb – call me dumb, but I don’t get the subdivision jokes. Please help.

    Is this shit show close to over?

    I have to implore you all to find and watch the Housewives from Vancouver. Holy shit do they have Lisa money and what is going on is what I wanted out of a housewife show so far. They do not have to film together. Already 2 have been “uninvited” with the rest of the ladies. A friendship has a falling out, an out and out drunk blaming everyone else for her problems (I went to rehab – problem was they didn’t have happy hour), no husbands involved – yet , oh and an evil bitch who talks like Sonja but has the nasty holier than though attitude of LuMann and Caroline put together and a daughter to match so it’s double the UGH in looks and attitude.

  11. 11
    Karen
    Posted June 13, 2012 at 10:30 am

    It’s funny how Teresa says to Jacqueline at the wedding that therapy brings up the past and she doesn’t want to bring up the past, she wants to start fresh. Well then please do it, Teresa! It’s time to move on. I also noticed she said to Jacqueline that she won’t go against her husband. Her exact words were, “It’s not going to happen.” Well then why do you get on your brother for siding with his wife?
    Teresa is delusional and needs to take a vacation to the loony bin while her caveman trash bag hubby goes on his trip to jail….maybe then someone can save those kids before they pollute the world with more guidice garbage fantasy

  12. 12
    Karen
    Posted June 13, 2012 at 10:35 am

    Im sorry Teresa I would never trust someone who doesn’t love dogs….that is a sign right there that you are wanting in some way….

  13. 13
    sheesh sheesh
    Posted June 13, 2012 at 10:38 am

    @ labowner…Joe Gorga isn’t obnoxious..he’s an angel from god!

    Caroline’s hat. I crack up everytime I see it! Precious!!!!

  14. 14
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted June 13, 2012 at 11:20 am

    It’s about that time in the RHONJ season where I think the season gets realllllllly long in the tooth.

    Why is it that Caro and Lauren seem to be the worst of the Laurita/Manzo bunch? I’m not saying everyone else is stellar but, after this epi, Jeebus Caro and her clone look like royal bitches. So high, so mighty so above it all-PUKE! I thought the wedding was cute and it was really nice to see Jamie so happy.

    I flat out despised seeing Caro at the podium and wished to high heaven it was Chris that Jamie chose to speak at the ceremony instead.

    Other than that I think this dead horse has been beat enough. Thanks for your recap ChickBomb!

  15. 15
    kthxbai kthxbai
    Posted June 13, 2012 at 12:10 pm

    I thought Lauren was only eating $15000 jars of pasteurized piglets.

    When are Tre and Midge going to physical therapy? That’s going to be the best episode ever! Watching them pull on those giant rubber bands and holler at the physical therapy person about their marriages and childhoods.

    @labowner OMG! I keep trying to tell people! RH Vancouver’s got more cast members closer to Jocelyn Wildenstein AND allegedly former escorts than any other Housewives show.

    Including the 1 that married Sun News Lal!

    Plus you get to see Sun. He’s changed his name to Sonny McKenzie though. And the murder charges were dropped.

    Is Rehab wine in the stores yet?

    ( Please click my Facebook head and tell it you’re my friend. Because I can’t figure out which people are from here.)

  16. 16
    Iona Trailer
    Posted June 13, 2012 at 1:29 pm

    Why was the groom and groom sweating so much? They must of snorted or smoked something. They were Whitney Houston sweating like a pig on stage after hitting the pipe sweaty.

    I have to agree that Midge is just too adorable even if he says stupid things about his talleywackern to Melissa. I think Midge and Melissa need to get their own show…and wouldn’t that just piss Teresa off. I say do it!

  17. 17
    sheesh sheesh
    Posted June 13, 2012 at 2:51 pm

    Caroline suck! Gaw..what a funhater.

  18. 18
    labowner
    Posted June 13, 2012 at 4:04 pm

    Kthx I got Flipit to download the first 11 episodes. :)

    I just sent you a friend request – my alias on FB is Susan Smith.

  19. 19
    Dtoast
    Posted June 13, 2012 at 5:33 pm

    @kthx perhaps this was the episode lauren decided to have the lap band surgery. I wonder how longit will take her to regain the weight

  20. 20
    brzysmom12
    Posted June 13, 2012 at 11:24 pm

    Tre: I love you
    Brown Smurf: Yeah

    ‘Nuf said.

  21. 21
    MrsMiaWallace MrsMiaWallace
    Posted June 14, 2012 at 3:35 am

    Great recap!

    I loved that you mention the “mountain of minds”. I puzzled over that for way too long.

    @Karen – Thank you, it really irks me that no one on the show can string a sentence together to point out the obvious hypocrisy in Teresa doggedly standing by her man, but requiring her brother put her before his wife.

  22. 22
    hot cawfee
    Posted June 14, 2012 at 9:56 am

    @3 Cloudy– I am thinking Shenanigans on the whole Dina missing thing– I strongly suspect (and yeah BRAVO am finger-pointing at you) that the whole Chi-town wedding was a set-up for a new TV series. The house isn’t right. Its Chicago– how does a house like that truly function for people in the everyday, work-a-day Chicago-frigid-in-the-winter-time world. And the whole Laurita Clan not being there?? Greg and Vito invited as per E-Vite?? And Big Al Manzo not in attendence. SHENANIGANS!!!!!!!!!!

    OK– only watched a part of this show and will catch up on viewing asap. Thank Gasmi that I have been warned of the horrors to come and will drink before watching.

  23. 23
    hot cawfee
    Posted June 14, 2012 at 10:00 am

    Hey wait Gasmi!!!! What about all the big dogs Brown Smurf has at home??? He has at least 3 or 4 huge dogs on the property—does Tre have a problem with those dogs???

  24. 24
    MrsMiaWallace MrsMiaWallace
    Posted June 14, 2012 at 10:13 am

    @hot cawfee – they are gorgeous huskies and I weep for them.

    From the time we saw them I believed them to be kept on the property in a large fenced in pen. This was before we found out about Tre’s phobia but they didn’t look like they were incorporated into the household life when Joe was feeding them.

  25. 25
    maxiefoofoo
    Posted June 14, 2012 at 11:14 am

    Jaime’s house is real, they live in Barrington which is a higher-end neighborhood. Not lakeshore lakefront high end but higher end. I live a few miles away and i drove by it and saw Jaime walking the dogs. I kept driving didn’t want to look like a stalker, hahahaha

  26. 26
    labowner
    Posted June 14, 2012 at 3:51 pm

    Hotcawfee what don’t you understand about the house? I am sure they have central heat as well as AC. From what I heard Dina didn’t go because she wanted the wedding on her show and Caroline sniped it from her.

  27. 27
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted June 14, 2012 at 4:40 pm

    @hotcawfee: Thanks for clarifying because I was sure last episode Jacqui said, “Teresa is scared is dogs. Which is weird; they have three of them.” I never saw a dog in the Guidice household, so I disregarded it. Now, it makes sense. They do live on like 8 acres (re: boonies) so I would have a few yard dogs too to alert me if anything comes lurking in the dark.

  28. 28
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted June 14, 2012 at 11:34 pm

    Who said Lauren gets the LapBand? You’re right! Check out the results so far…30 lbs down.

    http://starcasm.net/archives/160213

    Atleast she didn’t say it was portion control. *coughcarolinecough*

  29. 29
    kthxbai kthxbai
    Posted June 15, 2012 at 7:29 am

    Bless her heart, she thinks she’s going to wear a bikini when she gets to 120.

    Didn’t anybody tell her about the Sharpei effect? She’d have to go back and get another $100 K worth of more operations!

    Even if she had any business weighing 120. Which I don’t think she does. She wouldn’t look like how it’d look anyway. Specially if she doesn’t get her boobs reduced.

    Once she does that then she’ll look like what she thinks of as 120.

  30. 30
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted June 15, 2012 at 9:28 am

    @Sarcacsr comment 28, I know I did. To L-Ma: TOLD YOU SO YOU SORRY ASS BITCH!

    Ahh that mmd!

  31. 31
    dtoast
    Posted June 15, 2012 at 12:45 pm

    She looks great I think if she gets down to 120 her head is going to look huge. What kind of doctor allows someone to get the lap band surgery if they only have 50 pounds to lose? to be in healthy weight range

  32. 32
    maryedith
    Posted June 15, 2012 at 1:15 pm

    Wait — aren’t huskies kind of famous for being silent? Way to go with the guard dogs, Brown Smurf!

  33. 33
    maryedith
    Posted June 15, 2012 at 1:17 pm

    I know they aren’t completely silent — before anyone jumps on me.

  34. 34
    Zedd
    Posted June 17, 2012 at 8:37 am

    The Real Housewives of Vancouver are a huge hit here in Alberta! Mostly cause we like to laugh at the snobby BC people ;) . My mom never misses it and says its the best trashy tv ever!

    As for these ladies…its become sad to watch and sad to hear all the nonsense they talk when they’re on talk shows.

    That being said…I might buy Ter’s cookbook…come on – food in 30 mins??!!

  35. 35
    Too-Old-To-Care
    Posted June 17, 2012 at 10:57 pm

    Ter: “Jacqueline is like Heckyl and Jive.”

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

    Did you notice when Ter tried to kiss Smurf and he pulled away?!

    Caro and Menopause – not a pretty picture. Has she ditched make-up to help her get sympathy for what she’s going through? Not working, Caro. Just ‘cuz your lady parts are showing their age doesn’t mean your face and hair have to suddenly show theirs. It does, however, give us a real glimpse of what all these “beauties” would look like without the spackle and professional blow jobs.

    Speaking of hair stylists, isn’t there a hair color less intense than Shoe Polish Black? It’s a little too Gene Simmons for youngish ladies.

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