Then they all practice speaking in British accents. It’s horrible. Ter keeps referring to Kate Middleton as Kate Hudson. She thinks the princess would wear her hat, except the feathers might be too much.
The talk on the party bus turns to Mel and Midge’s remodeled house on the Jersey shore. “She has a re-done home?” Jacquee queries cattily. Remember, that was the wording behind one of the groundbreaking blood feuds. Oh that Jacquee and her just stayin’ out of it stance.
Over at Mel’s she’s hanging out with the witchy sister and Kat when in walks Midge and guess what he’s got?
Ooooh, tabloid! Wonder if I’m mentioned?
Oh, and WTF with the dog?
Everyone on the shore weighs in on the latest article. Kat doesn’t “appreciate” being quoted second hand, and misses the Teresa in pigtails and a catholic school uniform. Mel understands that she has to make money, but she hates the picture of her in the article You know Ter told them to use the ugliest one or she’d stop feeding them cover stories.
Back on the party bus, Brown Smurf is calling Ter a whore and saying that her breasts are hanging out of her dress, but in a much ruder way. Also on the bus, Chris Laurita is making a grand announcement about the blk water company closing a deal with a wine company.
Then he springs a trip to Napa on them. All of them. Ter is the first to yap away about how excited how she is about Napa. Jacquee keeps repeating how confused she is. Then Ter starts in on how fabulous Caro’s hat is. “You and your hat shut up,” Caro snaps, at the camera of course. On the bus, Ter gets the barely controlled rage.
They arrive at the wedding and Lauren asks if everyone’s proud of her for being on her period and not being moody. They all take a seat in the backyard, and then the horse drawn carriage pulls up.
It’s a sub-division fairy tale.
The ceremony is of course conducted by a typecast dumpy lesbian preacher or or whatever she is. The crowd goes wild at her big announcement that they were gay men getting married in Chicago. Then they give wedding speeches completely in line with the fact that they are people who showed up at their wedding in a horse drawn carriage. That means they’re both cheesy and stupid and both dudes sob throughout.
And then it’s time for Caroline to make her speech, i.e. the price to pay for the Bravo camera crew. It’s boring. Something about a mountain of minds? She also rehashes Jamie’s coming out story.
Remember how scared you were and how you thought our parents would hate you? Remember how bad it sucked? Isn’t your wedding just the perfect time to relive that experience?
They really did cover every twelve year old girl’s wedding fantasy, complete with butterflies released at the end. I don’t even know what that signifies. Wouldn’t setting things free indicate kind of the opposite of marriage?
Ahhh! There’s a butterfly in my eye!
Did I really just sign up for life with this schmuck?
Ter declares the wedding the ultimate gay extravaganza. And then it’s back to the Jersey shore for the debut of Mel’s new song, Rockstar. Mel decries how shy she is as Midge makes the grand announcement.
Shhh, don’t play my music! I’m so shy!
Why was the camera on Rosie just now?
And what better way to ruin the fun them for Lebanese Dilbert to drag Midge outside to talk about his unanswered text to Ter. He practically forces Midge to send a follow up text, then complains about what a bad wife Kat is for allowing him to exit the house without flip-flops.