RHONJ Recap: Impressing Insane Inlaws

38 Comments

1. 1
   michkabibbles
   Posted July 11, 2012 at 8:55 am

   man, i honestly think the manzos are more screwed up than the gorgas.

2. 2
   msjacqmills
   Posted July 11, 2012 at 9:07 am

   J-mo – I am crushing on you, big time!

3. 3
   notwithoutmytv
   Posted July 11, 2012 at 9:46 am

   Bravo creates this show like McDonald’s does its hamburgers: limit the number of ingrediences to the immediately identifiable, and keep the process simple. Allow no deviation from the expected product! Customers want consistency, not quality.

   Recipe for RHoNJ:

   “Joe Gorga is so gay” scene.
   “The Jew Dices have no money, but conspicuously consume” scene.
   “Aren’t those Manzo kids so adorably goofy” scene.
   “Caroline/Jacqui continue to parent their kids the same way and expect different results” scene.
   “Brown Smurf is bloated and shirtless… again” scene.
   “Lebanese Dilbert says the most awful things!” scene.
   “Ironic ‘Caroline has no time for drama’ ” scene.
   “Let’s bitch about Ashley” scene.
   “Let’s bitch about Teresa” scene.
   “Milania is a little cunt” scene.
   “Set up the next THE CHRISTENING event” scene.
   “Uncomfortable Teresa flirts with Midge” scene

   Place under heat lamp. Serve.

   All employees must wash hands before returning to work.

4. 4
   truthsquad
   Posted July 11, 2012 at 9:46 am

   Awesome job….just nailed these freaks to the freaking wall……

5. 5
   Toad
   Posted July 11, 2012 at 9:49 am

   @michka i agree!!

   I have been watching since season one and DonCaro and Lauren are now just completely unlikeable.
   Lauren (atleast to me) does not have one good quality about her…mean, nasty, lazy…ugh! Grow UP!

   Lindsay better run for the hills and get away from Meangirl Manzos. She is very classy for not putting Lauren in her place when she says ” no disrespect but you look like you have no rythm!”

   Seriously Lauren? The only rythm you have is the beat of your fork hitting your plate.

   DonCaro and Lauren are ugly on the inside and out.

   I could go on and on about them but thats enough for now
   The only people on this show I really enjoy are Rosie and Co.

   T

   PS I laughed so hard at the neon makeup shot of Lauren. Great recap

6. 6
   hot cawfee
   Posted July 11, 2012 at 10:21 am

   J-Mo– you nailed it !!!! If Lapband the Lush cannot have it her way then its no way. Its why she packed and left Chateau after one day– No one would fetch her a latte, kiss her ass and do her bidding and so everyone else has a problem but her.

7. 7
   hot cawfee
   Posted July 11, 2012 at 10:33 am

   Has anyone noticed that Critterfur and Greg are statring to look alike?? I mean ALOT alike.

8. 8
   hot cawfee
   Posted July 11, 2012 at 10:40 am

   Also — does anyone think that the Wakile’s are totally debt-free?? I mean–no credit card debt, car loan etc??? I think these people completely live within their means and don’t overspend. I think they are the only ones driving an American made car.

9. 9
   hot cawfee
   Posted July 11, 2012 at 11:10 am

   OK– one last comment and then I will watch the show–well two things-swearswearswear.

   First– Can “Cafface” actually serve food and beverages where hair cutting, chemicals and the like are being used??? And I am sure proper bathrooms for the customer must be offered–am loving speculating who will clean them.

   And second—in her opening segment Jaxx is trying on a headpiece and veil—hhmmmmmm…….is anyone getting married?? Remarried?????

10. 10
    Gypsy
    Posted July 11, 2012 at 11:12 am

    All Hail J-Mo *snaps* to a kicka$$ re-cap!

    That is all.

11. 11
    labowner
    Posted July 11, 2012 at 11:36 am

    Oh my fucking gawd J-Mo. You should have posted a warning at the beginning of the recap. Love it when whatever is going on in the recappers life it seems to come across in the recaps. You hit a grand slam with this one and no one is safe. There is nothing left to say.

12. 12
    SuburBint
    Posted July 11, 2012 at 12:11 pm

    J-Mo, you would think by now I would know better than to click on links that you have specified as being NSFW. But no, I clicked that link, and now know way more about Prince Alberts than I ever wanted to (they can take six months to heal? Seriously?!) And then I got stuck in a link vortex, because I had to find out what a “Princess Albertina” was. And so on and so forth, and now my browser has like 14 tabs, each dealing with its own very specific type of genital piercing, and my life will never, ever, ever be the same. So thank you for broadening my knowledge base. I think.

13. 13
    MrsMiaWallace
    Posted July 11, 2012 at 1:46 pm

    J-mo, fabulous. Also your dancing is mesmerizing.

    Am I wrong in thinking a pro cheerleader is more of a dancer than a gymnast? Or at least some of both? Meaning I’m sure that girl can dance. STFU LapBand. Also she works out a lot and probably eats smart, so no, its not “good genes” just like you falling off a diet after two days and not finding the motivation to waddle into the basement to work out is not Al Manzo’s “bad genes”. You are fat, bitter, worthless and lazy.

    Also, did you catch Lauren’s aside that one of her motivators for her business is to do better than her brothers? Way to be a selfish disloyal bitch. She’s the kind of girl that can’t hear good news from her friends because it upsets her and she refuses to be happy for others. Also, the Manzo boys? Way to set the bar high.

14. 14
    BrattyMcPants
    Posted July 11, 2012 at 1:57 pm

    @SuburBint the more you know…

    I loved the recap. Fabulous job on Lauren’s makeup. I think you really captured her essence.

    Lindsey meeting Lauren was painful but kind of hilarious. Lauren sounded so threatening. I kept imagining the following scenario.
    Lauren: You’re very pretty
    Lindsey: Thank you
    Lauren: So you agree? You think you’re really pretty.

    Don Caro is an idiot. I know a ton of 25 year olds building their careers and dating at the same time. Some of them are even in law school….ohhhh….wait….

    Also, what was that weird comment about sex and shoes from Melissa and Jaq? The wifey advice was terrifying. Run, Linds!

    Poor Gia. I actually really feel for her. She seems like such a sweet girl who happens to be overly emotional…and let’s keep in mind that 11 is the age where everything your parents do is consistently embarrassing. (Then again, I have the dad who is still embarrassing. Back when that “My New Haircut” video was a youtube sensation, my dad walked into the lobby of my freshman dorm at college with a case of water bottles on his shoulder. When the desk guy asked him to sign in, he shouted in front of all my hallmates “NOT NOW CHIEF I’M IN THE FUCKIN’ ZONE!”) However, Tree is legitimately embarrassing enough without that whole pre-teen/teen mindset, as shown by her discussing Gia’s left boob pain with Jaq….if she overshares with her mortal enemy, what does she tell the people she gets along with? So I could understand if having Tree there negatively impacted Gia’s dancing. That said, I used to teach dance, and thanks to the editing, I honestly couldn’t really tell if Gia is talented or not.

    Thanks, BRAVO, for giving the sexy Cris Judd some screen time. Boy is he sexy. Looks like my ex…why did I dump him again?

15. 15
    sheesh
    Posted July 11, 2012 at 2:49 pm

    J-Mo I know I sound trite but DAMN you dance your ass off! Off. O.F.F. OFF!
    The fuck off!

16. 16
    fancyface
    Posted July 11, 2012 at 4:14 pm

    1st of all…is it wrong that I watched the back ground dancers in that vid instead of the lead singer? I’m sure she’s great & all but Gurl you DO NOT let the queens in the background outshine you the way they did during that performance. Especially the two that were doing the spinning before the choro started. J-Mo if that’s you up front, I’m sorry & I’ll watch again to concentrate on you instead of the dancers, if not & you’re one of the dancers in back…..WERK!

    Now, I love me some Gia (well up until she became the disrespectful little tween she is now) but she was….. not good! Maybe it was just her nerves but she did not nail that dance once & the only reason why she made it was because of the show. Maybe the others had more practice than her so it made her look more unprepared, idk, but it wasn’t good. And WTF was up with her dumb ass mother glowing at how her butt looked in that age inappropriate outfit? There’s a slippery slope here because dancers usually don’t wear much while rehearsing or even performing, but clearly she should’ve had on more. None of the other kids were dressed like that so I don’t think that was necessary.

    I liked this episode the most so far because they actually showed different story lines like they did last year. Up until now I’ve been like ffs with this ‘tabloids Teresa is a liar duh’ episodes and saying wtf happened to Melissa & Kathy’s story lines. Yeah they talked about Teresa a lot last year, but at least they showed them both doing other shit they loved to do & we hadn’t had any of that this year so this was kinda refreshing to me. It’s about time we saw Kathy in her best environment, the frigging kitchen, but where’s her desserts?

17. 17
    labowner
    Posted July 11, 2012 at 5:26 pm

    Sheesh I forgot to congratulate on your new family member.

    Interesting while listening to a podcast last night about reality tv, the reality czar stated he thought under no circumstances what so ever should children under 18 be allowed on any reality tv because of the damage that can be done. It was in the context that Teen Mom should be a “what not to do show here is how a kid can fuck up your life” but instead turns these folks into celebs and what bored teen wouldn’t want to emulate that?

18. 18
    caligal
    Posted July 11, 2012 at 5:41 pm

    I adore the Demon-Spawn. She’s the first four-year old I’ve seen who could use her upper lip waxed. I predict in about 10 years, MTV will be rebooting “16 & Pregnant” starring Milania.

    Anyone see the milkman’s kid cleaning while the other girls were making the birthday cards? She’s like Cinderella, and never says a word. Bet that kid already has her escape plan through the underground railroad all mapped out and a new identity ready and waiting.

    I <3 JMo.

19. 19
    Kammie
    Posted July 11, 2012 at 5:52 pm

    I’d like to donate to the Stop Fauxhawking Your Children Fund™!

20. 20
    Cupcake623
    Posted July 11, 2012 at 6:09 pm

    @caligal Check out T’s blog: she talks about how Gabriella is very introverted and likes to draw and doesn’t act out for the cameras. You know its just gonna get harder and harder for her as they get older because all ten of her sisters are such super extroverts and need to be the center of attention just like Mama. On that note I though it was cute that T was willing to play with the girls in the bouncey and the caterpillar. Discipline (or lack thereof) she seems like a good mommy.

    Oh gawd Milania for the win. Just they way she said “You never wanna see your kids!” I rewound that over and over again

    I thought the party looked fun and age appropriate. Those kids barely had time to say hi to the adults they were all having a good time. Antonia sitting in a frilly hat on a hot ass day waiting for a photographer to take professional pictures? Yeah not so fun

    I also don’t think Gia can dance. There’s way too much ass shaking and popping going on for those kind of routines to be age appropriate and that outfit on an 11 year old is a no. Or maybe I am projecting because I wasn’t allowed to bare my midriff past the age of 6. In my moms defense I had like c cups at Gia’s age.

    Co sign what everyone has said about Bitch Face Lauren and her mother. At this point she is more insufferable than Caroline. Just like BEYOND entitled. Lazy good for nothing. . .at least her brothers are funny, have some comic relief even if they are unattractive and slightly less entitled.

21. 21
    Cupcake623
    Posted July 11, 2012 at 6:10 pm

    @caligal Check out T’s blog: she talks about how Gabriella is very introverted and likes to draw and doesn’t act out for the cameras. You know its just gonna get harder and harder for her as they get older because all ten of her sisters are such super extroverts and need to be the center of attention just like Mama. On that note I though it was cute that T was willing to play with the girls in the bouncey and the caterpillar. Discipline (or lack thereof) aside she seems like a good mommy.

    Oh gawd Milania for the win. Just they way she said “You never wanna see your kids!” I rewound that over and over again

    I thought the party looked fun and age appropriate. Those kids barely had time to say hi to the adults they were all having a good time. Antonia sitting in a frilly hat on a hot ass day waiting for a photographer to take professional pictures? Yeah not so fun

    I also don’t think Gia can dance. There’s way too much ass shaking and popping going on for those kind of routines to be age appropriate and that outfit on an 11 year old is a no. Or maybe I am projecting because I wasn’t allowed to bare my midriff past the age of 6. In my moms defense I had like c cups at Gia’s age.

    Co sign what everyone has said about Bitch Face Lauren and her mother. At this point she is more insufferable than Caroline. Just like BEYOND entitled. Lazy good for nothing. . .at least her brothers are funny, have some comic relief even if they are unattractive and slightly less entitled.

22. 22
    caligal
    Posted July 11, 2012 at 6:27 pm

    DAAAYYYUUUMMMMM J-MO!!! You gots some smooth moves! You should be teaching Mel how to dance! <3

23. 23
    brzysmom12
    Posted July 12, 2012 at 12:01 am

    J-Mo — thank you muchly (made up word) for putting your fantabulous vid up! I already have seen it and so wanted to tell you how fab you are without sounding like a psycho stalker (did the interwebs search after reading your bio). Totally agree with Fancyface – didn’t even watch the headliner – couldn’t keep my eyes off of the back row… ok ok so I knew who you were already so just watched you – NOT in a stalker way of course – you got some moves!! Even though I’m in the area, I thought going there to watch you for reals would be within that psycho range so I won’t do that to ya! As always – love your recaps! So re-read what sheesh, caligal, jacqmills, gypsy and everyone else who completely respects the awesomeness that is you, couldn’t have said all of that any better!

24. 24
    dent
    Posted July 12, 2012 at 5:59 am

    J-Mo…Had no idea you had moves like that! Very impressed with your dancing!

25. 25
    polk8dot
    Posted July 12, 2012 at 7:06 am

    OMG, in that first pic – what is it lying next to the party favors bags? The pink and black fuzzy thingy – could these be fuzzy bedroom handcuffs that Mel forgot to put away before the help showed up? Err…., I mean, left there on purpose for them all to see?

26. 26
    polk8dot
    Posted July 12, 2012 at 7:09 am

    Geez, in a space of 30 sec I completely forgot that there were SEVERAL pics before we got to Antonia’s birthday party. Holla!!!

27. 27
    classy drunk
    Posted July 12, 2012 at 7:43 am

    Ok first off hilarious recap.

    I can see being hard on the person that your brother is dating but no reason to be a total bia bia.

    Nice Moves J-Mo…I love the similar to New Edition moves, and let the headliner know she needs to go bigger if she’s going to impersonate Bey.

28. 28
    hot cawfee
    Posted July 12, 2012 at 8:22 am

    @13 Ms Mia– you are right–Lapband is very bitter and incapable of being happy for the success of others. As for her “liking” Albie’s old gfs? hmmm…. to parse a legal time I am sure Prince Albie knows “I will take that under advisement”. As long as the girl is fatter, bitchier, less motivated, but more dependent upon her parents then the Big L is onboard with the relartionship. You know I should state that as “relationship”.
    Didn’t Chris Laurita set up Critterfur and Prince Albert with BLK???? Not exactly striking out on your own and seeking your fortune boys.

29. 29
    Rosemary's Baby
    Posted July 12, 2012 at 2:53 pm

    I didn’t see the episode but it couldn’t possibly be more entertaining than J-Mo’s recap. Luuurve the special effects! Guidos and guidettes, fucked-up make-up, and a bowl full of sausage-turds. Perfection!

30. 30
    J-Mo
    Posted July 12, 2012 at 3:08 pm

    Thanks so much you guys! I’m glad you enjoyed the recap and the drag queen video… BTW, if any of you are still unsure about who’s doing what in that video, I am NOT the drag queen, I’m the fat balding white guy who looks like a dancing Christmas ornament (that’s the last time I wear THAT shiny shirt).

    I love all your comments, so happy I could help ChickBomb out, please give her a warm welcome when she returns for this Sunday’s episode!

    love, J-Mo

31. 31
    MrsMiaWallace
    Posted July 13, 2012 at 8:44 am

    This is me watching these shows WAY too much but when Chris said “she doesn’t hide her emotions, you can read my Mom like a book” he then said “So if she doesn’t like Lindsey, I’ll be the first to know”

    I’m sure he’s not smart/mean enough to have meant this but you can read that a certain way to be a dig against his dyslexic brother! That and/or no one in his family can read, either way!

32. 32
    hot cawfee
    Posted July 13, 2012 at 9:05 am

    Is anyone else a’feared for Lindsey aka “George Glass”??? She better not set foot in Cafface nor any of her cheer-friends. Lauren will somehow “mix up” botles of shampoo and hair remover.

    How long before Tabitha Coffey “Takes Over” Cafface??????

33. 33
    labowner
    Posted July 13, 2012 at 10:01 am

    Mrs I think you are reading way too much into that. Remember Chris and Caroline have that odd language they speak to each other. I think Caroline likes him the best because, from watching the show, he seems to be the least trouble of the three. Chris Manzo reminds me of Chris Laurita. They both seem laid back, want no issues, lets have a beer with hearts of gold.

    Hot I heard Lindsey is long gone from Albie’s life already.

34. 34
    Gypsy
    Posted July 13, 2012 at 1:46 pm

    They Throw ham at each other, there is no deeper meaning BUT I love your tilt towards a hidden meaning @ Mrs. I do love a good conspiracy theory!

35. 35
    hot cawfee
    Posted July 14, 2012 at 5:48 am

    @33 Lab— bbwwaahhhaaaahhhaaa– maybe she didnt like being “On Display”?? wiping my eyes-OK Cawfee focus and sip cawfee…
    I see what you are saying– I think Critterfur is Tiny Caro’s fave kid–he is problem free

    Hey can we all snark on Tiny’s nick-name Bulldog??? A nice jowly bulldog

36. 36
    hot cawfee
    Posted July 14, 2012 at 5:58 am

    Hey youse guys– I just checked out Cafface on facebook–jeebus–look for yourselves. Esp the well…blue purse and the “diet aid” Its the June 26 twitter post

37. 37
    Nikki
    Posted July 15, 2012 at 9:56 am

    Great recap and great dancing, J-Mo! XO,Nikki

38. 38
    Nikki
    Posted July 15, 2012 at 9:57 am

    How ya doin’, Hot Cawfee?