This is why Gia is muttering under her breath for Tre to just STFU. Anyhow, Miss Joana starts to countspit “5, 6, 7, 8!” and they begin to dance. Tre tells us that Gia’s been on a lot of auditions before, but this one is gonna be a big deal, because it’s a gig to perform at this giant music festival called… BEATSUCKS! OOOOHHHH, looks like there’s gonna be a Gia/Mel dance battle in the near future! Tre tells us that Gia’s been dancing since she was only 2½, which is amazing, except I bet at that age her “dancing” was really more like “running away from the Brown Smurf”.
So how is Gia really? Well, she is mostly on the beat, but she’s a little sloppy in places and drops choreography in others. That could be due to the stress of being filmed, though, so I give her a break for that. Oh yeah, and her hag of a mother is there staring at her the entire time and sucking up precious oxygen.
Let’s see how things are going for Mel as she arrives at a Fred Astaire Dance Studio to meet her awesome new choreographer…
um, this is like hiring Stephen Hawking to teach your kid long division
I can’t deny it, Cris Judd is fucking hot, and an awesome dancer as well (love him in J-Lo’s video for “I’m Real“!) and Mel looks pretty flushed meeting him as well. She’s so happy that her “person of the people” Cortisone was able to hook her up with Cris (who she breathlessly reminds us worked with the King Of Pop, Michael Jackson)… but she’s only got two weeks to put this dance together before BEATSUCKS happens! So, she should really buckle down and get to work, right? No time to waste. Chop chop. Let’s get it started. Dive right in. Fame costs and all that.
Cris begins by playing Mel’s new single “Cockstar” and asking to see how she “naturally moves”…
like a wobbly squatty sack of potatoes that likes to fellate water bottles
Mel is clearly embarrassed by her lack of freestyle skills, especially when Cris stops the music and tries to tell her that when people aren’t confident… “You can feel it!” Mel tries to finish for him. “And you can see it.” Cris concludes on his own. He goes on to say that her silly little bouncy steppy-step is a sign that she’s trying to hide her self-doubts, and that there is much more power in stillness and stage presence. He then brings up the fact that Michael Jackson was a master at jumping on stage and then standing dead-still and silent, creating that tension and excitement. This is good advice… but unfortunately Mel’s gotten distracted and more than a little starstruck… with herself…
“Michael Jackson to Melissa Gorga!”
“I know, right? Total downgrade.”
Well, Cris is certainly familiar with the whole upgrade/downgrade scenario…
I know, right?
So Cris starts teaching Mel a routine, and we begin to get intercut footage going back and forth between her struggling to learn it, and watching Gia rehearsing something she clearly already knows. I dunno if this was meant to make Mel look she sucks at dancing, but that’s kinda how it comes off. She’s clearly working under the disadvantage of just learning, and Cris is honest with her that they have a long way to go before she’s gonna be ready. Good thing she got the major time-consuming event of Antonia’s Sixth Birthday Party out of the way first!
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