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Thursday, July 5, 2012
9:33 am
37 Comments
Tagged: abandonment issues, abusive children, albie manzo, bravo, caroline manzo, chickbomb, child labor, crotch-grabbing therapists, Demon Spawn, fake therapy, gay bars, J-Mo, jacqueline laurita, Joe Giudice, joe gorga, kathy wakile, lauren manzo, lesbiana bars, Mama PIerri, melissa gorga, real housewives of new jersey, reality, recap, rhonj, Rosie is awesome, Rosie Pierri, show, teresa giudice, terrible parents, TV, tvgasm
And speaking of pukey-feeling, we have finally arrived at the FAKE-THERAPY SESSION. It’s being held at a random nameless building in NYC…
guess Bravo was only willing to spring for generic instead of brand-name therapy
Or as I like to call it: generapy. Anyhow, Midge shows up wearing a douchey pair of sunglasses. Tre is already waiting. She tells him he smells good. He tells her she looks good. Then it all goes horribly pear-shaped when he says “You’re wearing red… that’s a sexy color!”…
Red. I might have known it would be red.
Even after I picked my jaw up off the keyboard I still could not believe he actually said that out loud. I am rarely dumbfounded, but come ON, who says that to their sister?…
while massaging their crotch?
these people do
At least Tre’s response to her brother’s creepy come-on was an appropriately uncomfortable smile and half-giggle. Thankfully their Bravo-bought therapist (generapist) shows up before Midge can get a full-on boner going…
no, we are not going to talk about how your sister’s awesome apple-bottom makes you feel
Anyhow, Dr. Sweaty introduces himself and says he’s going to have a conversation with each of them by themselves, and then bring them in together at the end. He decides to start with Tre, beckoning her to follow him into the office. As she enters the sterile, boring and downright utilitarian room she comments on the fact that the door appears to be sound-proofed. I’m betting the entire building has been cleared in preparation for today’s session.
So Dr. Sweaty starts out by asking Tre to explain what her grievance is with Midge. I’ve pulled up a chair and a cup of tea in preparation, because for as long as I’ve been watching this show, I’ve never oncebeen able to figure out what in the blue-balled fuck these two have been fighting about all this time…
really hoping it’s not a blue-balled fuck
Naturally, Tre starts by blaming Midge, saying she doesn’t understand why he can’t get past what’s bothering him, she doesn’t think she’s ever done a single thing to hurt him “tremendously”, and continues to make veiled references to this mysterious “something” that Midge just can’t get past. She goes on to suggest that Dr. Sweaty might be able to help Midge do that, thereby absolving herself of all responsibility…
wow, this is totally hopeless already
Dr. Sweaty grimaces and says it’s very likely Midge is going to come in and say the exact same thing about her, so instead of each of them referring him to talk to the other, how about she try again to articulate what exactly her grievance is? She says she and Midge used to call each other all the time, but since Midge married Mel, he never calls her back. In fact, she tattles that Midge admitted Mel is the one who pulled away from Tre. Dr. Sweaty quickly points out “Your grievance is more with your brother’s wife than it is with your brother.”…
well duh, I hate huh, jeez, ain’tcha listenin’?
Tre goes on to say that when Midge and Mel were having their first kid, she was pregnant with her third child (Demon Spawn Milania) and Midge was acting pissy that she wasn’t around more for them. She also complains that when Mel showed up, Tre only had Gia underfoot, and she didn’t notice Mel making a lot of effort to hang out with her little poop-factory. Then she flat-out lies and claims not to be a grudge-holder…
do you smell that? because I think I’m suddenly drowning in bullshit
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37 Comments
I pray Tre’s headache goes away and she starts making better fashon choices. Lmao!!!
Great recap!
Mama Pierri had me in tears such a sad story.
And you are spot on with how obnoxious Heather is. I hate that everybody thinks it’s cute that she teases Rosie like that. Like imagine if she went to a predominately African-American/Latino bar and gushed about how she loves black people! Hell she’s even sucked one off and dated one!! Like oemgee she loves everybody ya’ll. Such a cunt and I hope that this is the last time we see her.
Watching this episode I start to feel bad for Teresa. . . again. When she says I never talk to my brother the way he speaks to me it is 100% true. I was rubbed the wrong way about the way he spoke to her after therapy. It’s the same way Joe speaks to her, and her brother would never in a million years talk to his mom or Melissa or Kathy for that matter like that. I hate that she prescribes to this Italian machismo bullshit, lets men talk to her any kind of way but is the first one to flip tables and pop off with women. It’s like she is doing a ton of transference to women she encounters because she is not “allowed” to have any kind of reaction to the mean shitty things her husband and her brother said.
Don’t get me wrong. She is still guilty for being a passive aggressive bitch and I believe that she was really mean towards Melissa. But Mel has let being on the show give her ideas about what she can say and do. Like last week her whole ” It’s the fuckin Teresa show.” Just like what? Jacqueline approached her and started an argument. Why make that judgement before knowing the entire situation. I thought Teresa was actually being super nice and drama free at Melissa’s shitty little event. They really are peas in a pod, need to be the center of attention but at this point, it’s Teresa who is dialing it back and really trying.
I actually hate Lauren more than Jacqueline (who I still kinda like) and Caroline. Like she literally has a permastank face and her constant complaining about dieting. She is beyond annoying and entitled. She is really sooo much like Ashley that I cannot believe how sanctimonious Caroline can be about her successes.
Freakin love Rosie.
Ha, ha, ha…
Donner Party Expedition to Napa Valley…
I wouldn’t go if I was in Lauren’s shoes. Her Body Mass Index is waaay too high…
Ah yes. Now we have another entry in the honored tradition of reality show psychiatrist enablers…
Great job Dr. Real Family Psychotherapy! I can tell Teresa really made progress. And the way you stayed firm on your position that the producer-planned RV trip was a TERRIBLE idea? Totally the right call.
I bet you could make some extra scratch by writing Midge his ‘rhoid refills, too…
Teresa is not aging well. At all.
Can someone please enlighten me on when Jew-Dice became Jew-Dee-Chay?
So nice to have you filling in this week J-Mo. I didn’t realize how much I missed the kitty porn!
Flowers in the Attic – so dead on. That ‘flirting’ in the lobby was just uncomfortable!
@cupcake#2…You forgot something in your ‘I feel bad for Ter’ point…No Joey does not talk to Mel, Kath, or his mother like that because they don’t treat him like shit until it’s convenient for them, blame him for everything that’s wrong with their lives, & lie about him all the time..so there’s that. And Ter was giving as good as she got in that convo. She wasn’t a shrinking violet that he just unleashed on..she was yelling @ him too & he had a valid point. Instead of running around telling everybody that he’s screwed his parents why couldn’t she use her wardrobe money & help them herself? Him paying for them to have somewhere to live for 12 years while all she did was use them as free babysitters deserves accolades not bashing. I’d be upset too if someone was running around spreading those lies on me when I know I’ve done the exact opposite of what I was being accused of.
Anywho….Did the caption on that Lauren pic really say that on tv or did you photoshop the chub part in? If so….HI-LAR-IOUS..if not… shame on and kudos to Bravo!
And you left out the best part of the bar scene. A drunk ass Kathy slurring “Remember the bitch’s name” lol.
I rarely LOL in real life but Tre attempting to rock a headband like she’s LaToya Jackson with that Cro-Magnon “advancing” hairline (ha! Good one) had me snorting my boxed Franzia through my nose.
Thanks for the recap J-Mo. I’m tired of the whining Lauren storyline since we all know in real time she’s had a lap band and lost 30 pounds. Are we supposed to be surprised when they decide to show that major discussion with her “tiny” mother.
@Aliens Rock I don’t think Lauren would be a very good first choice. That’s a lot of fat to trim off before you get to any real meat.
@Smasha I’ve been confused about the pronunciation of their name from the get-go.
In Italian, the combination of “ce” makes a “ch” sound,
“Come si dice” (how do you say) sounds like “come si dee-chay” so they’ve technically been pronouncing it wrong and then switched it around to the correct pronunciation.
Kitty porn aside (too cute, btw): wtf is Theresa wearing? Tina Turner’s outfit from mad max? Advancing hairline? Priceless. She could market it to Hair Club for Men…
And if any of my brothers ever referred to my outfit as sexy? I’d effing punch him in the nuts and run for the hills. I do not believe inbreeding is necessary, especially for that crazy family. Who gives their 5 year old to Aunt Barrenwomb as a promise? What I am saying is…therapy is beyond these mentalists.
LOL…to be fair he said ‘red is a sexy color’ not that SHE looked sexy. But still…..*major side eye Joey*. Stop that shit! It was questionable when he said Kat was looking Se-xy last year and this shit is even worse. STOP it!
Loved the Carrie reference! I don’t watch this show..but I wouldn’t miss a Jcap! Love!!
J-Mo’s back! J-Mo’s back! —doing happy dance—
I had to skip to the end for kitty porn first. Your babies are big kitties now!! Give them some lovin’ for me.
Now, on to the recap…
J-Mo you had me rollin’ with your pics and recap! great job
I especially loved the Rant to Heather. I want her to stay AWAY from Rosie!!!!! Back off, you skank (hiss hiss)
@fancyface you’re probably right I really don’t remeber that “scene” all that well. I think it’s funny they waited til the cameraman wasn’t around but of course while there fully miked to have that convo. . . .I still don’t see evidence of Teresa ever talking to her brother the way she talks to Jac, Caroline , Melissa and hey that’s her little brother so it makes sense. I’m just kind of not buying that their problems are all her fault. He keeps repeating that he’s an angel sent from God and honestly I don’t think their problems are a 100% Teresa. She doesn’t like Melissa and has treated her badly at times and her husband doesn’t like Joey and treats him badly. They’re even, no?
I’m not team Teresa by any means. Her issues with the SIL and her brother are real grievances but Jac and Caroline not so much. Jac maybe. Caroline and her spawn, definitely not It was annoying how badly they trash her alllll the time every episode when they were her biggest fans seasons 1-3. One thing I can agree with Teresa about is that she hasn’t changed at all! She’s always been self-centered, attention whore, a person completely unwilling to take responsibility. Like I can’t decide to date a guy who smokes cigarettes when I hate that then get mad 5 years later when he i still smoking a pack a day. LOL something like that….
The flirting between siblings was not by any means one-sided. That sicko told her brother he smelled gooood! Then he continued with the ickyness. Ew, then she half giggles & smiles through it all. Disgusting. That scene was truly sick!
It struck me when J-Mo said that Mama Pieri doesn’t deserve to be related to Tre that she IS related to Tre. Tre and Midge and Kathy and Rosie are all dealing with a seriously screwy family background, if what happened to Mama Pieri was considered an acceptable thing to do. Way back at the beginning of the Gorga Feud the central issue was that Midge had fallen out of favor with his dad and he blamed Juicy Joe for it. If this stupid “therapist” isn’t even going to bring up their parents in these sessions, then he’s just going to make their problems worse.
Thanks @J-Mo for steaming country dump and so many other new vocabulary words. Not to mention making me laugh so much!
@Cupcake623 Thank you! Heather is a sleazebag fuckwaffle. I thought that scene with her in the hot tub was offensive. And I’m saying this as an experienced trashy reality show viewer. That’s built up enough tolerance over time to watch the new Bristol Palin show.
@smasha It always was. But a while back Juicy’s parents said something in public about them saying it wrong. So ever since then once in a while some of them will try to say it at least closer to right.
Dr Sweaty looks like he could be Ross the Intern’s dad.
OK Kids—two quick remarks and then I will read and comment to comments:
We have established that Albie’s girl-friend is named “George Glass” yes???
And jeepers….what do we make of Greg’s title “Christopher and Albie’s Roommate”?????
The correct (and I am certain inaccurate-nudgenudgewinkwink) way to write this would be :”Christopher’s and Albie’s Roommate”– two possessives.
Discuss.
@2 Cupcake– nnaaahhhhh love– I think Heather is angling for facetime– like Kim G and Kim D–It is wretched tho how she flirted with Rosie in the hottub.
Thanks for the re-cap J-Mo— the Flowers in the Attic was brilliant!!!!!!
oops– and to 22 me– that s/be “both possessive”
@Cupcake623
‘I don’t think their problems are a 100% Teresa. She doesn’t like Melissa and has treated her badly at times and her husband doesn’t like Joey and treats him badly. They’re even, no? ‘
That would make Tre EVEN with her husband, not with her Brother, no?
Did you just employ the JerseyShore Logic? (or was it sarcasm that just went right over my head?)
Midge is clearly the wounded party in their relationship. I honestly believe that he could not figure out, for YEARS, why Tre suddenly turned on him, let her husband treat him like shit, and was a C-unt to Mel.
That psycho bitch can turn the shit on its head like nobody’s business, and then extricate herself from any responsibility. She thought that since she was older, she would ALWAYS play first fiddle in Midge’s life, and once Mel started ‘usurping her birthright’ Tre turned all evil and hateful. The fact that Mel is prettier, younger and hotter did not help matters. I am certain that their issues have nothing to do with being on the show, after all by their own admissions they were not on speaking terms for a long time before doing the show; they all stem from Tre’s hate of Mel and Brown Smurf’s general assholery to Midge.
Tre must have spent years excusing BSmurf and his obnoxious behavior – just recall his ‘joke’ on the bus about Greg’s butthole, and her reaction right there, and then in the TH. She clearly tried to blame Greg for ‘being TOO sensitive’, ‘not getting the joke’. She is soooo f-ing VILE, VAPID and VACANT that she managed to suck out any and all possible remaining fun and joy out of this show and out of all her relationships.
She is similar in type to Icky from RHOC in that she herself is NEVER guilty or responsible, but definitely is ALWAYS a VICTIM. Poor, poor Tre, waaaaahhhh waaaaahhhhhhh
J-Mo I love you so. Hilarious recap. I laughed out loud so many times along with a few amens! Can’t wait for the next season of Top Chef!
J-Mo, this is an awesome recap! I consistently laughed my ass off reading it.
If one of my brothers ever, EVER said the word sexy AT me, I would immediately say, “What the holy FUCK did you just say to me?” Then, I would promptly get the hell away and puke. That’s just so foul it’s unreal. We can’t even say anything nice about each other, let alone note the other’s sexiness. And it’s not because we don’t have great relationships with one another. It’s just not cool.
Hilarious recap, J-Mo! I love your sense of humor… a cup full of wit with just a pinch of snark!
You know what’s funny? Or sad depending on how you look at it. Both Teresa & Joey thought it was ok to drop the pretense & start yelling at each other because the cameras were gone. Neither stopped to consider the fact that they were still mic’ed (wait..is that right?) That’s a family of real brain trusts we have on our hands.
I can’t wait for the season when Bravo stops all the sexual tension and pays for Teresa to finally marry her brother in their story book wedding.
Anybody else think the entire New Jersey cast and homes are weirdly Goa’uldish? Like, if suddenly their eyes started to glow you wouldn’t be the slightest surprised? I’ve been thinking that for a while, and then bam! there’s Teresa in that outfit, in yet another gold room, and… well, there it is.
Watching Heather makes me feel a sudden need to go get vaccinated for EVERYTHING and take a scalding shower. Get her off my TV stat.
What wonderful advice Jacquee’s father gave her — ‘why do you care? Teresa’s hustling for her family.’ Yes, exactly, JACKEE! She is so useless and vapid. I mean if she really has been Teresa’s friend for fifteen years I guess she’d have to be a little dim herself, because who could sustain a conversation with the challenged Teresa over time otherwise? Mensa members they are not.
I wish Assley would fall on her face in LA but she is already famous from this show so there will be no end of users who will support her and buy her drinks and let her in the clubs — being on this show has basically ensured the ruin of any hope of a real and productive life for this girl, and she wasn’t too close to that track to start with. Good job, Jackie! Great parenting decision! Assley is a lost cause now. And I soooo want to punch her in the face. Just once. Please?
Fake Therapy session was great. I liked that he dealt with real things though and gave them some tough love and not the usual enabling quakery that these hired Bravo shrinks/life coaches/spiritualists/astrologers usually do. I’ll bet that was the hardest check that poor therapist ever had to work for. Can you imagine?
Great recap as usual.
Hilarious recap, J-Mo!
Gorgas in the Attic!!!! Freakin’ hilarious!!!!! Loved the new cover for the book too!!!:)
@hot cawfee #22 George Glass!! Hahaha!
What load of dung are they going to try to shovel our way when we meet Albie’s “girlfriend” this week?
If this chick turns out to be his actual GF then Greg must be Critterfer’s BF.
When is Don Caro going to get off her hypocritical high horse and let this come out?
Thanks so much for reading and showing comment love, you guys! I’ve been off for so long I was afraid I might be a little rusty at recapping, especially these wacky Housewives! I’m so happy that everybody seems to be enjoying my take on it (thank you to ChickBomb for giving me the chance) and I believe I will be tackling tomorrow’s episode as well.
love, J-Mo
P.S. Bravo did not call Lauren Manzo “Caroline’s Chub Daughter”… that’s alllllll me and Photoshop… I’m getting pretty good, huh?
Love you J-Mo, and sooo good to see your recap–albeit a tad late. Waay too funny take on the joizywives. Can’t wait for you to come out of retirement for a season with your kitties.
Is it just the screen grabs, or is Tre beginning to look like a melted caramel roll? Looks rode hard and put away wet, to abuse a cliche.
I think the show’s stylists are dressing Tre and then snickering their asses off at her. What else could possibly explain that owl feather/boob cut-out monstrosity. Thank god Tre is dim enough to wear it. She’s a constant source of entertainment for us. Please don’t ever change.
J-MO!! I missed ya, babe!!!
Anyone who thinks for a half a second that Teresa will admit that she’s wrong is wasting their brain cells. When confronted with any facts, she starts hemming and hawing – it’s like the abusive guy who says that he didn’t punch her – he slapped her. That’s different!
And that photo of her hairline is the scariest thing I’ve seen ever. Scary movies, and haunted reality TV shows included.
Write MORE, J-Mo!