RHONJ Recap: Rosie’s Really Rad

Recaps

By J-Mo | Thursday, July 5, 2012 | 9:33 am | 37 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Real Housewives of New Jersey, Recaps

Tre continues with her favorite fall-back position of being damned if she does and damned if she doesn’t. Does or doesn’t what, she doesn’t say, but Dr. Sweaty believes that her going into every interaction with that attitude is giving her a huge “half-chip” on her shoulder, it’s her way of making sure that she’s always ready for a fight. Tre disagrees, saying what she really means is that she’s always tryina do the right thing, but then Midge always knocks her down. Also? Midge always leaves the toilet seat up, never finishes his vegetables, and may have possible bombed Pearl Harbor.

Dr. Sweaty looks at his watch, sees that only two minutes have gone by, and suggests to Tre that her best course of action in these scenarios would be to walk away. She immediately tries to school Dr. Sweaty by asserting that it’s also good sometimes to stand your ground. So what if it means that you torch family relationships, poison your children and become a vapidly idiotic cartoon character best known for knocking over furniture? STAND YOUR GROUND. Dr. Sweaty points to his degree hanging on the wall and repeats that she should just walk out of the room. Tre totally misses the fact that he’s telling her to GTFO and insists that she has been walking away. I’m betting Dr. Sweaty is ready to walk away from this profession. And with that, Tre’s private FAKE-THERAPY SESSION is over with.

Tonight’s vignette goes back in time to the prior night’s Sunday Dinner at Mama Pierri’s, and involves Rosie Real talking about how when they were growing up Kathy always got new clothes, and Rosie had to wear the hand-me-downs…

 including panties!

She says her First Communion was the worst day of her life because she had to wear Kathy’s old Communion Dress, and since she was taller (and stouter) than Kathy, the waistline was riding a little high…

 pretty sure having a cameltoe in church is not very holy

Poor thing, no wonder she rejects dresses! Also, her feet were too big for the shoes that went with the dress, so to make her humiliation complete they gave her a fug pair of rainbow-colored sandals to wear. And then they snapped the picture above so she would always remember how awful she looked. You guys, I totally know how she feels, because I grew up exactly the same way, and for my First Communion I was in a hand-me-down suit that had floodwater pants so high I could have waded in the shallow end of the pool and not gotten the hems wet. I think this is proof that Child Abuse By Clothing™ makes you gay.

And speaking of gay stuff, it’s time to head on out to the lesbiana bar (The Cubbyhole!) with Kathy and Rosie and their famewhoring straight friend Heather. Kathy wants to know what kind of women Rosie likes, and Ro says she likes dark hair and light eyes. “Like me!” chirps Heather, and we flash back to Heather casually grinding her enormous blotchily-tanned breasts on Rosie in a hot tub from a few episodes ago…

 how many times do we have to say this? DON’T POKE THE BEAR

Why is this skank Heather there? Well, Kathy says she brought her along to “get everybody’s appetite going”, which is a pretty fucking egotistical thing to do, and is one of the main reasons why I dislike tourists at the gay bar. There are plenty of gorgeous gay girls at the bar, Kathy, you don’t need to bring your slutty straight friend around to cunt-tease everybody, least of all Rosie. Case in point, Heather is spouting off about how “comfortable” she is with her sexuality, and how she doesn’t judge if someone wants to “dabble” with the same sex. Oh, and she’s such a rebel because she’s kissed a girl before!…

 buuuut mostly I suck dick

Ok, out of the Top Ten Things You Should Never Say At A Gay Bar When You’re Straight, Heather’s just uttered numbers 1, 2, 3 and 4. First of all, Heather, nobody at the gay bar cares about how comfortable you are with your sexuality, the gay bar exists for us to feel comfortable with ours. Second, please pardon us if we don’t applaud your lack of judgment over us, it’s 2012 and we don’t need your skank-approval to be who we are. Third, shut your fucking yap with your casual trivialization of homosexuality, Rosie isn’t “dabbling” in this for fun or to be trendy, it’s an integral part of who she is at her core. And lastly… tell me how you went snatch-diving and came up with a mouthful of pubes and then I’ll consider you a rebel, but kissing a girl is not a big deal. End of rant.

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J-Mo
About

J-Mo is a great big fat hairy homo (and he tends to be attracted to the same) who lives with his big fat non-hairy BF in the Valley Of The Sun, a.k.a. Phoenix, Arizona. By day he is an account manager for a giant corporate megaconglomerate and his greatest joy comes from not having to speak directly to the general public any more... also, he can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and never never never let you forget you're a man.  By night (when he's not recapping) he is a co-choreographer (and the Fattest Backup Dancer In Captivity™) for one of Phoenix's most talented female impersonators known as Devina Ross.  He is also still a part of the Rhythm Nation.

37 Comments

  1. 1
    T
    Posted July 5, 2012 at 11:41 am

    I pray Tre’s headache goes away and she starts making better fashon choices. Lmao!!!

  2. 2
    Cupcake623
    Posted July 5, 2012 at 11:51 am

    Great recap!

    Mama Pierri had me in tears such a sad story.

    And you are spot on with how obnoxious Heather is. I hate that everybody thinks it’s cute that she teases Rosie like that. Like imagine if she went to a predominately African-American/Latino bar and gushed about how she loves black people! Hell she’s even sucked one off and dated one!! Like oemgee she loves everybody ya’ll. Such a cunt and I hope that this is the last time we see her.

    Watching this episode I start to feel bad for Teresa. . . again. When she says I never talk to my brother the way he speaks to me it is 100% true. I was rubbed the wrong way about the way he spoke to her after therapy. It’s the same way Joe speaks to her, and her brother would never in a million years talk to his mom or Melissa or Kathy for that matter like that. I hate that she prescribes to this Italian machismo bullshit, lets men talk to her any kind of way but is the first one to flip tables and pop off with women. It’s like she is doing a ton of transference to women she encounters because she is not “allowed” to have any kind of reaction to the mean shitty things her husband and her brother said.

    Don’t get me wrong. She is still guilty for being a passive aggressive bitch and I believe that she was really mean towards Melissa. But Mel has let being on the show give her ideas about what she can say and do. Like last week her whole ” It’s the fuckin Teresa show.” Just like what? Jacqueline approached her and started an argument. Why make that judgement before knowing the entire situation. I thought Teresa was actually being super nice and drama free at Melissa’s shitty little event. They really are peas in a pod, need to be the center of attention but at this point, it’s Teresa who is dialing it back and really trying.

    I actually hate Lauren more than Jacqueline (who I still kinda like) and Caroline. Like she literally has a permastank face and her constant complaining about dieting. She is beyond annoying and entitled. She is really sooo much like Ashley that I cannot believe how sanctimonious Caroline can be about her successes.

    Freakin love Rosie.

  3. 3
    aliens.rock
    Posted July 5, 2012 at 12:05 pm

    Ha, ha, ha…
    Donner Party Expedition to Napa Valley…
    I wouldn’t go if I was in Lauren’s shoes. Her Body Mass Index is waaay too high…

  4. 4
    NotWithoutMyTV notwithoutmytv
    Posted July 5, 2012 at 12:36 pm

    Ah yes. Now we have another entry in the honored tradition of reality show psychiatrist enablers…

    Great job Dr. Real Family Psychotherapy! I can tell Teresa really made progress. And the way you stayed firm on your position that the producer-planned RV trip was a TERRIBLE idea? Totally the right call.

    I bet you could make some extra scratch by writing Midge his ‘rhoid refills, too…

  5. 5
    NotWithoutMyTV notwithoutmytv
    Posted July 5, 2012 at 12:53 pm

    Teresa is not aging well. At all.

  6. 6
    smasha
    Posted July 5, 2012 at 1:08 pm

    Can someone please enlighten me on when Jew-Dice became Jew-Dee-Chay?

  7. 7
    mere2142
    Posted July 5, 2012 at 1:54 pm

    So nice to have you filling in this week J-Mo. I didn’t realize how much I missed the kitty porn!

    Flowers in the Attic – so dead on. That ‘flirting’ in the lobby was just uncomfortable!

  8. 8
    fancyface
    Posted July 5, 2012 at 2:14 pm

    @cupcake#2…You forgot something in your ‘I feel bad for Ter’ point…No Joey does not talk to Mel, Kath, or his mother like that because they don’t treat him like shit until it’s convenient for them, blame him for everything that’s wrong with their lives, & lie about him all the time..so there’s that. And Ter was giving as good as she got in that convo. She wasn’t a shrinking violet that he just unleashed on..she was yelling @ him too & he had a valid point. Instead of running around telling everybody that he’s screwed his parents why couldn’t she use her wardrobe money & help them herself? Him paying for them to have somewhere to live for 12 years while all she did was use them as free babysitters deserves accolades not bashing. I’d be upset too if someone was running around spreading those lies on me when I know I’ve done the exact opposite of what I was being accused of.

    Anywho….Did the caption on that Lauren pic really say that on tv or did you photoshop the chub part in? If so….HI-LAR-IOUS..if not… shame on and kudos to Bravo!

    And you left out the best part of the bar scene. A drunk ass Kathy slurring “Remember the bitch’s name” lol.

  9. 9
    Maudtherriault
    Posted July 5, 2012 at 2:46 pm

    I rarely LOL in real life but Tre attempting to rock a headband like she’s LaToya Jackson with that Cro-Magnon “advancing” hairline (ha! Good one) had me snorting my boxed Franzia through my nose.

  10. 10
    NapaNonnie
    Posted July 5, 2012 at 3:56 pm

    Thanks for the recap J-Mo. I’m tired of the whining Lauren storyline since we all know in real time she’s had a lap band and lost 30 pounds. Are we supposed to be surprised when they decide to show that major discussion with her “tiny” mother.

  11. 11
    Justme
    Posted July 5, 2012 at 4:04 pm

    @Aliens Rock I don’t think Lauren would be a very good first choice. That’s a lot of fat to trim off before you get to any real meat.

  12. 12
    Justme
    Posted July 5, 2012 at 4:11 pm

    @Smasha I’ve been confused about the pronunciation of their name from the get-go.

    In Italian, the combination of “ce” makes a “ch” sound,

    “Come si dice” (how do you say) sounds like “come si dee-chay” so they’ve technically been pronouncing it wrong and then switched it around to the correct pronunciation.

  13. 13
    MmmKate
    Posted July 5, 2012 at 5:04 pm

    Kitty porn aside (too cute, btw): wtf is Theresa wearing? Tina Turner’s outfit from mad max? Advancing hairline? Priceless. She could market it to Hair Club for Men…

    And if any of my brothers ever referred to my outfit as sexy? I’d effing punch him in the nuts and run for the hills. I do not believe inbreeding is necessary, especially for that crazy family. Who gives their 5 year old to Aunt Barrenwomb as a promise? What I am saying is…therapy is beyond these mentalists.

  14. 14
    fancyface
    Posted July 5, 2012 at 5:15 pm

    LOL…to be fair he said ‘red is a sexy color’ not that SHE looked sexy. But still…..*major side eye Joey*. Stop that shit! It was questionable when he said Kat was looking Se-xy last year and this shit is even worse. STOP it!

  15. 15
    Detinha
    Posted July 5, 2012 at 5:47 pm

    Loved the Carrie reference! I don’t watch this show..but I wouldn’t miss a Jcap! Love!!

  16. 16
    2muchbravo
    Posted July 5, 2012 at 5:57 pm

    J-Mo’s back! J-Mo’s back! —doing happy dance—
    I had to skip to the end for kitty porn first. Your babies are big kitties now!! Give them some lovin’ for me.

    Now, on to the recap…

  17. 17
    annie Annie
    Posted July 5, 2012 at 6:23 pm

    J-Mo you had me rollin’ with your pics and recap! great job :)

    I especially loved the Rant to Heather. I want her to stay AWAY from Rosie!!!!! Back off, you skank (hiss hiss)

  18. 18
    Cupcake623
    Posted July 5, 2012 at 6:26 pm

    @fancyface you’re probably right I really don’t remeber that “scene” all that well. I think it’s funny they waited til the cameraman wasn’t around but of course while there fully miked to have that convo. . . .I still don’t see evidence of Teresa ever talking to her brother the way she talks to Jac, Caroline , Melissa and hey that’s her little brother so it makes sense. I’m just kind of not buying that their problems are all her fault. He keeps repeating that he’s an angel sent from God and honestly I don’t think their problems are a 100% Teresa. She doesn’t like Melissa and has treated her badly at times and her husband doesn’t like Joey and treats him badly. They’re even, no?

    I’m not team Teresa by any means. Her issues with the SIL and her brother are real grievances but Jac and Caroline not so much. Jac maybe. Caroline and her spawn, definitely not It was annoying how badly they trash her alllll the time every episode when they were her biggest fans seasons 1-3. One thing I can agree with Teresa about is that she hasn’t changed at all! She’s always been self-centered, attention whore, a person completely unwilling to take responsibility. Like I can’t decide to date a guy who smokes cigarettes when I hate that then get mad 5 years later when he i still smoking a pack a day. LOL something like that….

  19. 19
    Mrngstar
    Posted July 5, 2012 at 7:16 pm

    The flirting between siblings was not by any means one-sided. That sicko told her brother he smelled gooood! Then he continued with the ickyness. Ew, then she half giggles & smiles through it all. Disgusting. That scene was truly sick!

  20. 20
    maryedith
    Posted July 5, 2012 at 9:16 pm

    It struck me when J-Mo said that Mama Pieri doesn’t deserve to be related to Tre that she IS related to Tre. Tre and Midge and Kathy and Rosie are all dealing with a seriously screwy family background, if what happened to Mama Pieri was considered an acceptable thing to do. Way back at the beginning of the Gorga Feud the central issue was that Midge had fallen out of favor with his dad and he blamed Juicy Joe for it. If this stupid “therapist” isn’t even going to bring up their parents in these sessions, then he’s just going to make their problems worse.

  21. 21
    kthxbai kthxbai
    Posted July 6, 2012 at 12:31 am

    Thanks @J-Mo for steaming country dump and so many other new vocabulary words. Not to mention making me laugh so much!

    @Cupcake623 Thank you! Heather is a sleazebag fuckwaffle. I thought that scene with her in the hot tub was offensive. And I’m saying this as an experienced trashy reality show viewer. That’s built up enough tolerance over time to watch the new Bristol Palin show.

    @smasha It always was. But a while back Juicy’s parents said something in public about them saying it wrong. So ever since then once in a while some of them will try to say it at least closer to right.

    Dr Sweaty looks like he could be Ross the Intern’s dad.

  22. 22
    hot cawfee
    Posted July 6, 2012 at 5:36 am

    OK Kids—two quick remarks and then I will read and comment to comments:

    We have established that Albie’s girl-friend is named “George Glass” yes???
    And jeepers….what do we make of Greg’s title “Christopher and Albie’s Roommate”?????
    The correct (and I am certain inaccurate-nudgenudgewinkwink) way to write this would be :”Christopher’s and Albie’s Roommate”– two possessives.
    Discuss.

  23. 23
    hot cawfee
    Posted July 6, 2012 at 6:00 am

    @2 Cupcake– nnaaahhhhh love– I think Heather is angling for facetime– like Kim G and Kim D–It is wretched tho how she flirted with Rosie in the hottub.

    Thanks for the re-cap J-Mo— the Flowers in the Attic was brilliant!!!!!!

    oops– and to 22 me– that s/be “both possessive”

  24. 24
    polk8dot
    Posted July 6, 2012 at 7:35 am

    @Cupcake623
    ‘I don’t think their problems are a 100% Teresa. She doesn’t like Melissa and has treated her badly at times and her husband doesn’t like Joey and treats him badly. They’re even, no? ‘

    That would make Tre EVEN with her husband, not with her Brother, no?
    Did you just employ the JerseyShore Logic? (or was it sarcasm that just went right over my head?) ;)

    Midge is clearly the wounded party in their relationship. I honestly believe that he could not figure out, for YEARS, why Tre suddenly turned on him, let her husband treat him like shit, and was a C-unt to Mel.
    That psycho bitch can turn the shit on its head like nobody’s business, and then extricate herself from any responsibility. She thought that since she was older, she would ALWAYS play first fiddle in Midge’s life, and once Mel started ‘usurping her birthright’ Tre turned all evil and hateful. The fact that Mel is prettier, younger and hotter did not help matters. I am certain that their issues have nothing to do with being on the show, after all by their own admissions they were not on speaking terms for a long time before doing the show; they all stem from Tre’s hate of Mel and Brown Smurf’s general assholery to Midge.
    Tre must have spent years excusing BSmurf and his obnoxious behavior – just recall his ‘joke’ on the bus about Greg’s butthole, and her reaction right there, and then in the TH. She clearly tried to blame Greg for ‘being TOO sensitive’, ‘not getting the joke’. She is soooo f-ing VILE, VAPID and VACANT that she managed to suck out any and all possible remaining fun and joy out of this show and out of all her relationships.
    She is similar in type to Icky from RHOC in that she herself is NEVER guilty or responsible, but definitely is ALWAYS a VICTIM. Poor, poor Tre, waaaaahhhh waaaaahhhhhhh

  25. 25
    joyia joyia
    Posted July 6, 2012 at 8:06 am

    J-Mo I love you so. Hilarious recap. I laughed out loud so many times along with a few amens! Can’t wait for the next season of Top Chef!

  26. 26
    Sugarbush Sugarbush
    Posted July 6, 2012 at 11:41 am

    J-Mo, this is an awesome recap! I consistently laughed my ass off reading it.

    If one of my brothers ever, EVER said the word sexy AT me, I would immediately say, “What the holy FUCK did you just say to me?” Then, I would promptly get the hell away and puke. That’s just so foul it’s unreal. We can’t even say anything nice about each other, let alone note the other’s sexiness. And it’s not because we don’t have great relationships with one another. It’s just not cool.

  27. 27
    NotAlway'sPerfekt
    Posted July 6, 2012 at 12:09 pm

    Hilarious recap, J-Mo! I love your sense of humor… a cup full of wit with just a pinch of snark! :-)

  28. 28
    fancyface
    Posted July 6, 2012 at 12:15 pm

    You know what’s funny? Or sad depending on how you look at it. Both Teresa & Joey thought it was ok to drop the pretense & start yelling at each other because the cameras were gone. Neither stopped to consider the fact that they were still mic’ed (wait..is that right?) That’s a family of real brain trusts we have on our hands.

  29. 29
    Real Ity Lover
    Posted July 6, 2012 at 9:11 pm

    I can’t wait for the season when Bravo stops all the sexual tension and pays for Teresa to finally marry her brother in their story book wedding.

  30. 30
    Andyourlittledogtoo
    Posted July 6, 2012 at 11:11 pm

    Anybody else think the entire New Jersey cast and homes are weirdly Goa’uldish? Like, if suddenly their eyes started to glow you wouldn’t be the slightest surprised? I’ve been thinking that for a while, and then bam! there’s Teresa in that outfit, in yet another gold room, and… well, there it is.

    Watching Heather makes me feel a sudden need to go get vaccinated for EVERYTHING and take a scalding shower. Get her off my TV stat.

    What wonderful advice Jacquee’s father gave her — ‘why do you care? Teresa’s hustling for her family.’ Yes, exactly, JACKEE! She is so useless and vapid. I mean if she really has been Teresa’s friend for fifteen years I guess she’d have to be a little dim herself, because who could sustain a conversation with the challenged Teresa over time otherwise? Mensa members they are not.

    I wish Assley would fall on her face in LA but she is already famous from this show so there will be no end of users who will support her and buy her drinks and let her in the clubs — being on this show has basically ensured the ruin of any hope of a real and productive life for this girl, and she wasn’t too close to that track to start with. Good job, Jackie! Great parenting decision! Assley is a lost cause now. And I soooo want to punch her in the face. Just once. Please?

    Fake Therapy session was great. I liked that he dealt with real things though and gave them some tough love and not the usual enabling quakery that these hired Bravo shrinks/life coaches/spiritualists/astrologers usually do. I’ll bet that was the hardest check that poor therapist ever had to work for. Can you imagine?

    Great recap as usual.

  31. 31
    Closet Fan
    Posted July 7, 2012 at 9:06 am

    Hilarious recap, J-Mo!

  32. 32
    Erica
    Posted July 7, 2012 at 2:20 pm

    Gorgas in the Attic!!!! Freakin’ hilarious!!!!! Loved the new cover for the book too!!!:)

  33. 33
    2muchbravo
    Posted July 7, 2012 at 7:58 pm

    @hot cawfee #22 George Glass!! Hahaha!
    What load of dung are they going to try to shovel our way when we meet Albie’s “girlfriend” this week?
    If this chick turns out to be his actual GF then Greg must be Critterfer’s BF.
    When is Don Caro going to get off her hypocritical high horse and let this come out?

  34. 34
    J-Mo J-Mo
    Posted July 8, 2012 at 2:36 am

    Thanks so much for reading and showing comment love, you guys! I’ve been off for so long I was afraid I might be a little rusty at recapping, especially these wacky Housewives! I’m so happy that everybody seems to be enjoying my take on it (thank you to ChickBomb for giving me the chance) and I believe I will be tackling tomorrow’s episode as well.

    love, J-Mo :)

    P.S. Bravo did not call Lauren Manzo “Caroline’s Chub Daughter”… that’s alllllll me and Photoshop… I’m getting pretty good, huh? :)

  35. 35
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted July 8, 2012 at 5:30 am

    Love you J-Mo, and sooo good to see your recap–albeit a tad late. Waay too funny take on the joizywives. Can’t wait for you to come out of retirement for a season with your kitties.

    Is it just the screen grabs, or is Tre beginning to look like a melted caramel roll? Looks rode hard and put away wet, to abuse a cliche.

  36. 36
    Rosemary's Baby
    Posted July 8, 2012 at 12:58 pm

    I think the show’s stylists are dressing Tre and then snickering their asses off at her. What else could possibly explain that owl feather/boob cut-out monstrosity. Thank god Tre is dim enough to wear it. She’s a constant source of entertainment for us. Please don’t ever change.

  37. 37
    CynTV CynTV
    Posted July 8, 2012 at 4:09 pm

    J-MO!! I missed ya, babe!!!

    Anyone who thinks for a half a second that Teresa will admit that she’s wrong is wasting their brain cells. When confronted with any facts, she starts hemming and hawing – it’s like the abusive guy who says that he didn’t punch her – he slapped her. That’s different!

    And that photo of her hairline is the scariest thing I’ve seen ever. Scary movies, and haunted reality TV shows included.

    Write MORE, J-Mo!

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