Welcome back to the cyclone otherwise known as Real Housewives of New Jersey! Let’s start with the intros, cause I keep forgetting to point this out. Jacquee is “a Vegas girl”? I don’t get that. Why are we focusing on that? We’re in New Jersey. And Kat’s “old school”. Stop trying to make us think you’re in the mafia, you’re married to Lebanese Dilbert.
So this week, we start off back at the shore. It’s the Guidice house and I think that this slanted house is a spot-on metaphor for their life. Brown Smurf is doing pull-ups in a doorway. I love how every time there’s a camera on him, Smurfy gets athletic, despite the reality of his big man boobs and the fact that Lebanese Dilbert just beat the crap out of him.
Jacquee and Chris are on their way, and the lack of Moonface drama is making me feel so free! Let’s just breathe in the moment. They get to the Guidices and just stroll in. Brown Smurf grabs for Chris’s testicles to say hello. Okay. Let’s address this. Why is this the standard greeting for Smurfy? And he’s such a little punk about it too, he grabs a couple of times before he gets hold, probably because the poor things shrunk up a bit when they felt the slimy hand of the Brown Smurf headed their way. He finally makes contact with a triumphant, “There they are!”
It’s unsettling for me. Can’t imagine what it’s like for you.
It actually looks like a nice evening at the shore. The kids are riding tricycles. We learn that the group will be going out on someone named Mark’s boat, some friend of the Guidices. Brown Smurf is slicing salami. Jacquee and Teresa go upstairs to do her makeup. Milania wanders over in a towel looking deceptively innocent and wants to know when Antonia’s getting there. Whenever her bitch mother brings her, Teresa says, only translates it into something a little nicer for the kid.
So with the stage set for action, it’s time to talk about In Touch magazine, which at this point must be paying Teresa not only to pose on their covers, but also to talk about it as much as possible on the show. She says that the article asked if her brother had been there for her, and Brown Smurf jumped in and answered for her that he had not and now she’s stressed out. Now she’s stressed out. She’s dead broke, her husband’s about to be incarcerated and she’s raising the anti-Christ, but the old 99 cent supermarket rag’s got her down.
Then we see a little crack foming between Teresa and Jacquee. Jacquee points out, in a nice way, that Teresa is agreeing to pose for all these articles, and if she wants to “profit off people’s pity”, which sounds like a direct quote from Mama Manzo if you ask me, why is she stressed out about it? But I guess, when Midge read the article, he felt bad and he called Ter to tell her he would be there for her.
And then somehow, we transition from In Touch, to THE GOLDDIGGER COMMENT. Ter tries to explain her side of it. She said she had heard rumors and she warned her brother to be nice. Well, did you have a good reason for that asks Jacquee? “She just seems like that type of girl,” Ter shrugs in explanation. Well, that’s all the evidence I need. I can’t believe Midge didn’t hang up immediately and get on the phone with a divorce lawyer.
Then Ter mentions that Midge is insecure. And what better way to starve insecurities then trying to make him think his wife might be cheating on him. I mean, besides the marathon sex with black guys in the basement recording studio. Jacquee tries to tell her that perhaps she should not have planted that seed in such an insecure man, but by the time logic comes to the table, Ter’s long gone from the conversation.
The Gorgas show up, and then the Wakiles, all with kids in tow. Mel stands around snacking on cheese. Lebanese Dilbert and Brown Smurf have a very cool hello. Smurfy’s still mad at Lebanese Dilbert, so he doesn’t want to make nice with Dilbert’s testicles today. They just stand at opposite ends of the kitchen eating various deli meat and glaring at each other.