Where are the Manzos? We know they don’t want to keep out of the drama so I can’t understand why they didn’t just hijack some construction and move on in, but for whatever reason they’re hanging back in Franklin Lakes. Lauren is in the kitchen, preparing her morning shake. Riveting. Let’s hear more! Is she putting too much water in the shake? Well, Caroline seems to think so. Let’s dig deeper into this issue.
And how’s the diet going? Well, on the first day she cried and “felt anorexic”, which is kind of an insult to anorexia. Caroline says she was allowed to have that one day to feel sorry for herself, but that’s all. Considering you can buy a three-bedroom condo for the price of this crazy diet, I wouldn’t want to hear so much bitching about it either. But ohhhhh my. Hungry Lauren is not nice. “Who did your hair? You look like a rag doll,” she snaps to Caroline.
Caro ignores the insult. She says that Lauren’s mood is “wicked”, but is smart enough not to engage. Lauren reports that she has lost 5 pounds and can now fit into a size 8. Clearly, the girl is no size 8, so that must have been some sausage casing, but if she feels good I suppose that’s what’s important.
And then there is a really abrupt and confusing subject change, as Lauren now demands that after she loses weight, she wants to be rich. What does that have to do with anything? Mama Manzo, who may be having a second thought of two about all the “another Manzo success!” she lorded over Jacquee and Moonface, patiently tells her it’s up to her. And let’s all just conveniently forget the makeup salon that they already set her up in. You know, the one she quit the next day.
But never mind that, because it’s clearly all Caroline’s fault that Lauren’s such a failure. Well – actually, it sort of is. She was basically set up for it. Caroline flat out says it’s just because her brothers are so awesome and together and Lauren feels like she’s not. Well, with you making comments like that, how could she possibly?
“Maybe if I was skinny, it would be Lauren too,” she mopes, and I know this is a disgustingly pathetic display of self-pity, but I can’t help but feel a little sorry for her. She’s got not only her own self-image, but her family’s love all wrapped up in that extra 35-40 pounds. And her standards of perfection are…Albie and Chris Manzo.
Just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse, Mama Manzo pipes in to say that Lauren has a “spectacular personality”. Ouchie ouch ouch! The kiss of death! From your own mother! And it gets worse. “So she has a belly, so what?” And now I’m confused. Cause sometimes she’s telling us how fat Lauren is and how she must lose weight, but here she is extolling the inner beauty. “I just want a lot of money,” whines Lauren, and – ugh, you know what? Forget it. Stop being such a whiney little bitch, go on a diet and get a job.
I thought this was the cleanse where you shit hundred dollar bills.
Back to the Shore! It turns out at that the Guidice house is right on the water and there are kids running everywhere. Kat immediately is concerned for the children. Yeah lady, that’s a road you should definitely go down again. Critique Teresa’s ability to keep her kids safe. Or have you forgotten THE BABY STROLLER?
Kat has the whole show with her today, both kids, Rosie with a new and improved butch haircut and Lebanese Dilbert who comments that he hopes the Guidices are not the owners of the boat, because he doesn’t want to be out in the middle of the ocean and have sea tow come to repo it. It seems like Ter overhears this, but I’m 99% sure that’s tricky editing because there’s no way in hell she would have let that one go.
We are also updated on how Teresa is talking to the press but not talking to her family. “The press isn’t gonna help you if Joe has to serve time,” Kat quips. Really? Cause it’s the press that’s keeping her family afloat right now. I don’t see you doing much except talking about her to the reality show camera at every opportunity. The boat takes off, and hopes are high for a murder/mystery at sea.