Ter explains to Jacquee that the problem was that Mel brought up “something else that I didn’t want to talk about.” She doesn’t want to talk about legal cases, she says. Back at Caro’s table, there is a big debate over “going to jail” versus “going away”. Kat says it’s a pride thing, and about protecting your family. Yes, because we would not want people getting the wrong idea from the 500 magazine covers wondering how Teresa’s family will survive with Brown Smurf locked up.
Back in the parking lot, Ter is still feeling attacked. She blames it on everyone else causing problems, telling family things that are private. And apparently, the Joes were in some kind of a text war that she accidentally read, and – okay, I have to be honest. Most of what comes out of Ter’s mouth from this point on doesn’t make sense or have anything to do with anything, so I’m just gonna tell you what I think I heard. And I might make some stuff up, just for fun.
Inside the party, Rosie is high on her part in the drama. She tells the table that she’s going to go check on Ter and “try and calm her down”. Fantastic idea! Do tell her how much THE GOLDDIGER COMMENT upset Midge, cause that really seemed to relax her the first time around. Clearly, Rosie’s an amateur shit stirrer, but luckily Caro the expert is there to tell her it’s a bad idea.
Your work here is done. Now just relax and enjoy the show.
Kim Whoever leans on a car and enjoys the show. She tells Ter how hard it is for Jacquee because she’s stuck in the middle. Ter says she’s in the middle because that’s where she puts herself. Well, that part is true And to further prove the point, Jacquee goes sprinting back inside to fetch Mel for Round 2.
Mel sits inside whipping her hair around frenetically. Jacquee tells her to come outside and talk Ter, because now there is a new explanation for….ummm…wait, what was this about again? Bankruptcy? Jail? Golddiggers? THE CHRISTENING? Jacquee begs Mel to hear Ter out and please not bring up “legal issues”. Mel prances, and I mean, prances out to the parking lot.
The first thing Ter has to say is that she know she didn’t do anything. Mel asks her if she’s going to cause a scene. Duh, she better. Ter immediately warns Mel not to talk about her legal problems. In response, Mel attempts further clarification on the “jail” versus “going away” debate. But somehow the topic gets back to Teresa talking to her brother in confidence, except she gets very confused about the word “confidence”.
Mel’s in no mood. She steamrolls over Ter’s illiteracy and tells Ter to say what she means to say already. Ter lamely says that she’s “heard things”. And Mel lets out the inner Jersey shore that we know she had in her and let’s Ter have it. She makes it perfectly clear (well, to me and the rest of earth) that she loves her husband, and if her career takes off, he will be with her all the way. He already goes with her to all her bookings. It falls on deaf, dumb and stupid ears. “It was brother to sister,” prattles Ter.
There’s lots of yelling and everyone agrees that both women and men can cheat. Yay, cheating for everyone! Mel points out that Ter’s out every night at cookbook signings, does that mean that she’s cheating too? Um, with who? Frumpy housewives from Bergen County?
Ter’s argument seems to be that it’s okay for Midge to tell Brown Smurf things about Ter, but not okay for Ter to say meant things about Mel. Mel says they don’t talk about the Guidices at home. Except the 99% of the time that they are. Hello, cameras.
Ter tries to force Mel to admit that Midge is insecure and she won’t. Except that he is, and that’s why we’re having this problem in the first place but it’s very hard to win fights that don’t involve any reason so I guess it’s just instinct so say that everything’s perfect.