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Saturday, June 9, 2012
12:31 pm
12 Comments
Tagged: bravo, real housewives of new jersey, recap, tvagsm
Hello Real Housewives of New Jersey! I’m not going to lie – I failed you. I missed the first six minutes. So I’m just going to make up what happened and I bet you I’m probably right. Everyone talked about Gia and her phenomenal field day meltdown.
It was all about Gia. That’s all you need to know.
So let’s say Caro made holier than thou comments about Ter’s parenting while her own chubby unemployed daughter sulked at the kitchen table and used her impressive beauty training to compare Caro’s hair to a wet dog.
Jacquee defended her stupid sore loser book while her little one year old in a newsboy cap tried to sneak out to a strip club with Chris Manzo, where they were horrified to find Moonface selling hot dogs off a cart in the parking lot.
You sent me to Vegas to learn a trade, what’d you expect?
Oh, this made up episode is so much more fun than the real thing! And let’s see, Ter pasted on her smile and told us how much everyone loves each other. Except Melissa, cause everyone knows she’s a whore.
And now let’s pick up where things really left off, in a shitty building. Literally, the thing is the color of shit, but Midge could not be prouder. He wants Mel to see what he does, which is allegedly buy these deathtraps and fix them up for upwardly mobile Jersey folk. “Wow!” she says, arranging her face into wide-eyed awe, thinking of all the time in the basement with her black producers this act will buy.
But that’s not enough. Mel has to top it off with a dramatic improvisation from a straight to video horror movie. She screams and pretends that someone’s after her in the shit brown building and let me tell you, the part where she pretended Midge was a mogul was a much more convincing performance.
Thanks. That and a BJ got me this shirt.
Oh, and this is the best part – one of them almost falls through the floor of their condemned rattrap, and Mel is immediately making life insurance jokes. Uh oh. Now that Ter’s staying out of it, how will she warn Midge of Mel’s murder plot? Such a tangled web.
But anyway, it’s more talk about how to fix things with the Gorga siblings and Midge ends up texting Ter that they should see a therapist together. Guess what Fairy Andy Cohen, I FUCKING HATE WATCHING PEOPLE IN THERAPY. IT IS BORING. Please take it the hell off every single Bravo production slate ever. Thank you ever so much.
And speaking of Ter, here she is to tell us how Kim D. is one of her besties for the sole reason that she’s one of Ter’s “biggest fans” and also always agrees with her. She actually says that. Kim D. has tacky sunglasses and hideous looking fake boobs.Their assigned topic is also the text about seeing a therapist.
Ter of course does not want to go, which puts me on her side of the fight for the time being. And true to Ter’s word, Kim D. totes agrees that therapy is lame and the problem is clearly Midge. “Wasn’t he engaged three times?” she taunts. Why yes, he was, Ter agrees. Therefore, he is to blame for everything on earth.
Over in the shit building, Mel is congratulating Midge on a nice text. Midge is also congratulating himself. Over at Kim D.’s pool club, the determination is that it’s a “cry for help” and is wife should handle it. Ter informs us that old school Italian doesn’t do therapy.
Well, over to the Manzos. What mind-numbingly boring thing are they up to today? Oh, it’s packing. Ohhhh…it’s Lauren packing. Shockingly, it’s not about she’s too fat for clothes, but more of a “too many dresses, too little time” problem.
My wardrobe is just so fabulous.
12 Comments
Miss Andy needs to have an ambush with Kim G and Danielle on these broads.
I don’t care if Melissa is a golddigger…she is fierce and she has what Teresa wishes she could have but never will…not with that hair line.
Big Gay Greg needs to redeem himself for all of us gays and tear into Juicy and Teresa with some snarky bitchy comments to their faces. Lets see how well they take what they like to dish out.
Another great recap. All I can write is that Joe G what a man great Father/Husband/and Wall Street player and a pure joy to be around. I believe Joe’s sudden workout plan is for the boys he will meet in the joit..He is working out to make sure his dance card is filled out in full every night. I hope when he goes away again the kids will be able to get out, the love and positive attention he shows those kids is right out of Mr. Rodgers. The way he talks to Tre is like a Hallmark card but they do deseve eachother
Two Part episode! Oy vey…
Dude…the way the 1st 6 mins of the show happened in your mind was wayyy more interesting than what really happened lol
I thought that I was unfair and subjective in my opinion of Smirkoline, but I guess a lot of you guys think the same way.Yay!
She is all high and mighty, but if she so ABOVE the whole reality show enterprise, why TF would you agree to be filmed for such a show?! Newsflash for you, Caroline! You are a shit stirrer and reality show attention whore. Time to face Reality. Let’s be honest. Would any of you Gasmmi fans ever consider going on one of those shows?! You make make your money, but your reputation and your privacy are gone. Besides, I can’t imagine normal people’ lives so full of drama ( mostly fake drama anyway…)
@aliensrock (they totally do)….You are SOOO not alone when it comes to Caroline. I think I said something really nice about how her ‘I’m so wise & cute’ interviews make me want to shoot her in the face, on the minicap. So I definitely feel you! She truly needs to stfu! She had one season where people praised her for all her ‘wisdom, & loyalty to her fambly’ (except me because I never liked the bitch from the jump) and now she thinks she’s the all-knowing, wise one that can sit in judgement of people while she’s being noble! Caroline…go scratch! (I seriously have no idea what that means but it sounds bitchin lol..if any one knows, please enlighten me so I can be informed when I tell people to do it)
For example…I can’t freaking stand Teresa or Joe but that bitch makes me want to take their side when she’s talking. And that shit is NOT cool! DON’T MAKE ME WANT TO DEFEND THE GUIDICE, CAROLINE!
I hated Caroline in Season 1 because she was leading the charge against Danielle when Danielle did nothing to these people to warrant what they were doing to here, She then only acted out towards t5hem after her and Dina were going around Franklin Lakes with THE BOOK. Dina shit stirred all the drama and Caroline became the judge and the jury.
I don’t hate her so much now but I think she may have some good reasons to be pissed at Teresa. The Guidice’s are just rotten human beings.
Great recap!
I love the last picture of Ter on the phone, her face is an EXACT match for the brown tile in her shower. I have handbags that look less like real leather!
I will say that when Jamie was showing the creepy doll-head art and someone said “how gay is that” or something similar they didn’t show who made the comment and I was pretty sure from the voice it was Jamie himself. But it fits with the story arc to edit so we assume it was cringe-inducing Joe Guidice.
I don’t really think of him as “anti-gay” as much as a big dumb palooka who tries to mask his deep-seated discomfort with homosexuality in showy bravado and bad jokes. They fall flat, he looks less edgy than intolerant and his stupidity (aka Ter) sets him right up for the villain. I think he and Caroline are cut from the same cloth, she just tries to cover her discomfort in her quotes of wisdom and love and I am glad you pointed out the awkwardness of her bawling her eyes out for Jamie because being gay is a bad life.
Didn’t we hear rumors that Dina would make an appearance this season at this wedding?? Oh well. I am excited for tonight because the recap editing made it look like Juicy yelled out some “joke” about Ter’s boobs during Caroline’s wedding speech. I am really hoping that is not the case for Jamie’s sake. I somehow doubt it happened in that order, but then again, knowingly hosting your wedding on a reality tv show pretty much disqualifies you from deserving a classy and tasteful event.
And sweet blood? wtf? Thats what people say when mosquitoes bite them, dogs bite people because they remind them of prey. Maybe if a giant black squirrel’s nest didn’t live from her forehead to her ass, they wouldn’t be so confused.
Besides being slutty the tattoo chick in the hot tub was a little demeaning. Everyone was laughing but I would’ve been embarrassed if I were there. It’s 9:55 . The wedding’s coming up…
Teresa if you have african american friends do you think it would be okay for Joe to use the “n” word all the time? Very pathetic she used pages to defend his behavior.
Where was Albie at the wedding?
I hope Bobblehead reads your decree about not more fucking therapy. I hate watching that shit!!
I hope two boring wedding episodes is followed up with an epic fight between Tre, Caro and Jaquee. The previews better not lie!
I love how Rosie did not let the slutty chick kiss her. She may like having the cameras around but she’s not out to sell her soul for reality fame. It would’ve cheapened her whole ‘coming out’ episode if she would’ve tongued down a bar-sexual chick in a hot tub full of her relatives.
Like the rest of you, I don’t know why Greg is always around either except that Andy needs a gay sidekick casted on every franchise. But now that Rosie is chewing the scenery, Greg may soon be banished to reality TV obscurity.