Error: Twitter did not respond. Please wait a few minutes and refresh this page.
Hello Real Housewives of New Jersey! I’m not going to lie – I failed you. I missed the first six minutes. So I’m just going to make up what happened and I bet you I’m probably right. Everyone talked about Gia and her phenomenal field day meltdown.
It was all about Gia. That’s all you need to know.
So let’s say Caro made holier than thou comments about Ter’s parenting while her own chubby unemployed daughter sulked at the kitchen table and used her impressive beauty training to compare Caro’s hair to a wet dog.
Jacquee defended her stupid sore loser book while her little one year old in a newsboy cap tried to sneak out to a strip club with Chris Manzo, where they were horrified to find Moonface selling hot dogs off a cart in the parking lot.
You sent me to Vegas to learn a trade, what’d you expect?
Oh, this made up episode is so much more fun than the real thing! And let’s see, Ter pasted on her smile and told us how much everyone loves each other. Except Melissa, cause everyone knows she’s a whore.
And now let’s pick up where things really left off, in a shitty building. Literally, the thing is the color of shit, but Midge could not be prouder. He wants Mel to see what he does, which is allegedly buy these deathtraps and fix them up for upwardly mobile Jersey folk. “Wow!” she says, arranging her face into wide-eyed awe, thinking of all the time in the basement with her black producers this act will buy.
But that’s not enough. Mel has to top it off with a dramatic improvisation from a straight to video horror movie. She screams and pretends that someone’s after her in the shit brown building and let me tell you, the part where she pretended Midge was a mogul was a much more convincing performance.
Thanks. That and a BJ got me this shirt.
Oh, and this is the best part – one of them almost falls through the floor of their condemned rattrap, and Mel is immediately making life insurance jokes. Uh oh. Now that Ter’s staying out of it, how will she warn Midge of Mel’s murder plot? Such a tangled web.
But anyway, it’s more talk about how to fix things with the Gorga siblings and Midge ends up texting Ter that they should see a therapist together. Guess what Fairy Andy Cohen, I FUCKING HATE WATCHING PEOPLE IN THERAPY. IT IS BORING. Please take it the hell off every single Bravo production slate ever. Thank you ever so much.
And speaking of Ter, here she is to tell us how Kim D. is one of her besties for the sole reason that she’s one of Ter’s “biggest fans” and also always agrees with her. She actually says that. Kim D. has tacky sunglasses and hideous looking fake boobs.Their assigned topic is also the text about seeing a therapist.
Ter of course does not want to go, which puts me on her side of the fight for the time being. And true to Ter’s word, Kim D. totes agrees that therapy is lame and the problem is clearly Midge. “Wasn’t he engaged three times?” she taunts. Why yes, he was, Ter agrees. Therefore, he is to blame for everything on earth.
Over in the shit building, Mel is congratulating Midge on a nice text. Midge is also congratulating himself. Over at Kim D.’s pool club, the determination is that it’s a “cry for help” and is wife should handle it. Ter informs us that old school Italian doesn’t do therapy.
Well, over to the Manzos. What mind-numbingly boring thing are they up to today? Oh, it’s packing. Ohhhh…it’s Lauren packing. Shockingly, it’s not about she’s too fat for clothes, but more of a “too many dresses, too little time” problem.
My wardrobe is just so fabulous.