RHONJ Recap: The Royal Wedding

Recaps

By ChickBomb | Saturday, June 9, 2012 | 12:31 pm | 12 Comments
Tagged: , , ,
Posted in: Real Housewives of New Jersey, Recaps

There’s vague talk of an English hat and a wedding. Ew. Nothing reeks of bourgeois like pretending you’re English royalty while living in a subdivision. But of course, that’s what’s going on. Caro’s brother Jamie is marrying his partner of 13 years, and it’s pastels and hats. “Caroline Manzo doesn’t wear hats,” Caro threatens.

I mean, how could you even see me in a hat? I’d positively drown! I’m so tiny!

Even more shockingly, Lauren seems to be the voice of positivity in the gay hat wedding. She tells Caro to ask if she really has to wear one and she calls her brother. For some stupid reason, Lauren appears to be surprised that Caro’s picking up the phone and calling right then and there. Please. There is a script to be followed here. Get with the program.

The brother could care less about the hat thing – he just wants to make sure Caro will be giving a dramatic speech at his wedding so that he will be assured that the thing makes the Bravo cut. He sucks up immensely. Caro enjoys herself. They make a big deal that Caro is the only sister who’s coming to the wedding – and hold up just a minute. There are eleven of these Laurita kids, yes? And Caro’s the only sister coming to the wedding? Preach it again to Teresa, honey.

So, now it’s wedding time. And like all proper royal weddings, the invite came on the computer. Nothing says all class like an Evite. The milkman’s kid and Milania are cute and giggly about the wedding. Milania screams that Jamie and his partner kiss. Oh, so Ter’s invited? I love how only 2 out of 11 actual siblings are going, but there’s Teresa in the mix. She shows Jacquee the dresses she might be wearing. I actually really like the first one. The second one looks like a birthday cake.

Jacquee once again apologizes for the sore loser book, but Ter says to forget about it, it’s water under the bridge. Meanwhile, they baby is running around first trying to pull Ter’s shoes off, then prancing around the room in a pair of Ter’s heels and a bathing suit. There’s a joke here about strippers, but the kid’s like 2, so it just feels wrong. Let’s just say we all know where this is going.

And then to the latest in the battle of the texts. Ter tells Jacquee that Midge wants them to see a “physical therapist”. Jacquee corrects her. Turns out, Jacquee is a big fan of therapy. Oh right, remember the life coach? Actually, Jacquee is hardly the poster child for therapy, but that’s not going to stop her from singing its praises. Ter says that she could understand Jacquee hitting therapy with her daughter, on account of Moonface being so horrible, but as for Ter…not for her.

Oh, just you wait.

Ter once again makes her case that Mel is the one who should be dealing with her brother in therapy, because they’re the ones who are immature and insecure. All Ter’s trying to do is move forward. Leave Mel broken and penniless in the process, but still – onward!

She declares that she has no problem with her brother, but the lady who sent her degenerate daughter to Vegas to clean up her act says Ter’s in denial. Teresa’s final edict is that they’re all different people, they should accept each other and move on.

See, if everyone would just accept that Mel’s a golddigging whore, then we could all just move on.

And then it’s time for Rosie’s dramatic coming out scene! Today’s episode of the Real Housewives of New Jersey has been brought to you by Santa Monica Blvd. in West Hollywood. So, it’s Rosie and the kids talking in a Hasbrouck Heights pizza parlor. What’s the significance of Hasbrouck Heights? Nothing, except it’s where I used to get the bus to sleepaway camp, and therefore authenticates me to write this recap.

Pages: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7
About

12 Comments

  1. 1
    Iona Trailer
    Posted June 9, 2012 at 1:36 pm

    Miss Andy needs to have an ambush with Kim G and Danielle on these broads.

    I don’t care if Melissa is a golddigger…she is fierce and she has what Teresa wishes she could have but never will…not with that hair line.

    Big Gay Greg needs to redeem himself for all of us gays and tear into Juicy and Teresa with some snarky bitchy comments to their faces. Lets see how well they take what they like to dish out.

  2. 2
    someguy
    Posted June 9, 2012 at 2:50 pm

    Another great recap. All I can write is that Joe G what a man great Father/Husband/and Wall Street player and a pure joy to be around. I believe Joe’s sudden workout plan is for the boys he will meet in the joit..He is working out to make sure his dance card is filled out in full every night. I hope when he goes away again the kids will be able to get out, the love and positive attention he shows those kids is right out of Mr. Rodgers. The way he talks to Tre is like a Hallmark card but they do deseve eachother

  3. 3
    Nikki
    Posted June 9, 2012 at 6:14 pm

    Two Part episode! Oy vey…

  4. 4
    fancyface
    Posted June 9, 2012 at 7:37 pm

    Dude…the way the 1st 6 mins of the show happened in your mind was wayyy more interesting than what really happened lol

  5. 5
    aliens.rock
    Posted June 9, 2012 at 7:57 pm

    I thought that I was unfair and subjective in my opinion of Smirkoline, but I guess a lot of you guys think the same way.Yay!
    She is all high and mighty, but if she so ABOVE the whole reality show enterprise, why TF would you agree to be filmed for such a show?! Newsflash for you, Caroline! You are a shit stirrer and reality show attention whore. Time to face Reality. Let’s be honest. Would any of you Gasmmi fans ever consider going on one of those shows?! You make make your money, but your reputation and your privacy are gone. Besides, I can’t imagine normal people’ lives so full of drama ( mostly fake drama anyway…)

  6. 6
    fancyface
    Posted June 9, 2012 at 8:26 pm

    @aliensrock (they totally do)….You are SOOO not alone when it comes to Caroline. I think I said something really nice about how her ‘I’m so wise & cute’ interviews make me want to shoot her in the face, on the minicap. So I definitely feel you! She truly needs to stfu! She had one season where people praised her for all her ‘wisdom, & loyalty to her fambly’ (except me because I never liked the bitch from the jump) and now she thinks she’s the all-knowing, wise one that can sit in judgement of people while she’s being noble! Caroline…go scratch! (I seriously have no idea what that means but it sounds bitchin lol..if any one knows, please enlighten me so I can be informed when I tell people to do it)

    For example…I can’t freaking stand Teresa or Joe but that bitch makes me want to take their side when she’s talking. And that shit is NOT cool! DON’T MAKE ME WANT TO DEFEND THE GUIDICE, CAROLINE!

  7. 7
    Iona Trailer
    Posted June 10, 2012 at 5:49 am

    I hated Caroline in Season 1 because she was leading the charge against Danielle when Danielle did nothing to these people to warrant what they were doing to here, She then only acted out towards t5hem after her and Dina were going around Franklin Lakes with THE BOOK. Dina shit stirred all the drama and Caroline became the judge and the jury.

    I don’t hate her so much now but I think she may have some good reasons to be pissed at Teresa. The Guidice’s are just rotten human beings.

  8. 8
    MrsMiaWallace
    Posted June 10, 2012 at 10:12 am

    Great recap!

    I love the last picture of Ter on the phone, her face is an EXACT match for the brown tile in her shower. I have handbags that look less like real leather!

    I will say that when Jamie was showing the creepy doll-head art and someone said “how gay is that” or something similar they didn’t show who made the comment and I was pretty sure from the voice it was Jamie himself. But it fits with the story arc to edit so we assume it was cringe-inducing Joe Guidice.

    I don’t really think of him as “anti-gay” as much as a big dumb palooka who tries to mask his deep-seated discomfort with homosexuality in showy bravado and bad jokes. They fall flat, he looks less edgy than intolerant and his stupidity (aka Ter) sets him right up for the villain. I think he and Caroline are cut from the same cloth, she just tries to cover her discomfort in her quotes of wisdom and love and I am glad you pointed out the awkwardness of her bawling her eyes out for Jamie because being gay is a bad life.

    Didn’t we hear rumors that Dina would make an appearance this season at this wedding?? Oh well. I am excited for tonight because the recap editing made it look like Juicy yelled out some “joke” about Ter’s boobs during Caroline’s wedding speech. I am really hoping that is not the case for Jamie’s sake. I somehow doubt it happened in that order, but then again, knowingly hosting your wedding on a reality tv show pretty much disqualifies you from deserving a classy and tasteful event.

    And sweet blood? wtf? Thats what people say when mosquitoes bite them, dogs bite people because they remind them of prey. Maybe if a giant black squirrel’s nest didn’t live from her forehead to her ass, they wouldn’t be so confused.

  9. 9
    2muchbravo
    Posted June 10, 2012 at 6:56 pm

    Besides being slutty the tattoo chick in the hot tub was a little demeaning. Everyone was laughing but I would’ve been embarrassed if I were there. It’s 9:55 . The wedding’s coming up…

  10. 10
    labowner
    Posted June 11, 2012 at 9:33 am

    Teresa if you have african american friends do you think it would be okay for Joe to use the “n” word all the time? Very pathetic she used pages to defend his behavior.

    Where was Albie at the wedding?

  11. 11
    mere2142
    Posted June 11, 2012 at 5:58 pm

    I hope Bobblehead reads your decree about not more fucking therapy. I hate watching that shit!!

    I hope two boring wedding episodes is followed up with an epic fight between Tre, Caro and Jaquee. The previews better not lie!

  12. 12
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted June 11, 2012 at 6:53 pm

    I love how Rosie did not let the slutty chick kiss her. She may like having the cameras around but she’s not out to sell her soul for reality fame. It would’ve cheapened her whole ‘coming out’ episode if she would’ve tongued down a bar-sexual chick in a hot tub full of her relatives.

    Like the rest of you, I don’t know why Greg is always around either except that Andy needs a gay sidekick casted on every franchise. But now that Rosie is chewing the scenery, Greg may soon be banished to reality TV obscurity.

Post a Comment

Your email is never published nor shared. Required fields are marked *

*
*

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>

Human Verification: In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.