There’s vague talk of an English hat and a wedding. Ew. Nothing reeks of bourgeois like pretending you’re English royalty while living in a subdivision. But of course, that’s what’s going on. Caro’s brother Jamie is marrying his partner of 13 years, and it’s pastels and hats. “Caroline Manzo doesn’t wear hats,” Caro threatens.
I mean, how could you even see me in a hat? I’d positively drown! I’m so tiny!
Even more shockingly, Lauren seems to be the voice of positivity in the gay hat wedding. She tells Caro to ask if she really has to wear one and she calls her brother. For some stupid reason, Lauren appears to be surprised that Caro’s picking up the phone and calling right then and there. Please. There is a script to be followed here. Get with the program.
The brother could care less about the hat thing – he just wants to make sure Caro will be giving a dramatic speech at his wedding so that he will be assured that the thing makes the Bravo cut. He sucks up immensely. Caro enjoys herself. They make a big deal that Caro is the only sister who’s coming to the wedding – and hold up just a minute. There are eleven of these Laurita kids, yes? And Caro’s the only sister coming to the wedding? Preach it again to Teresa, honey.
So, now it’s wedding time. And like all proper royal weddings, the invite came on the computer. Nothing says all class like an Evite. The milkman’s kid and Milania are cute and giggly about the wedding. Milania screams that Jamie and his partner kiss. Oh, so Ter’s invited? I love how only 2 out of 11 actual siblings are going, but there’s Teresa in the mix. She shows Jacquee the dresses she might be wearing. I actually really like the first one. The second one looks like a birthday cake.
Jacquee once again apologizes for the sore loser book, but Ter says to forget about it, it’s water under the bridge. Meanwhile, they baby is running around first trying to pull Ter’s shoes off, then prancing around the room in a pair of Ter’s heels and a bathing suit. There’s a joke here about strippers, but the kid’s like 2, so it just feels wrong. Let’s just say we all know where this is going.
And then to the latest in the battle of the texts. Ter tells Jacquee that Midge wants them to see a “physical therapist”. Jacquee corrects her. Turns out, Jacquee is a big fan of therapy. Oh right, remember the life coach? Actually, Jacquee is hardly the poster child for therapy, but that’s not going to stop her from singing its praises. Ter says that she could understand Jacquee hitting therapy with her daughter, on account of Moonface being so horrible, but as for Ter…not for her.
Oh, just you wait.
Ter once again makes her case that Mel is the one who should be dealing with her brother in therapy, because they’re the ones who are immature and insecure. All Ter’s trying to do is move forward. Leave Mel broken and penniless in the process, but still – onward!
She declares that she has no problem with her brother, but the lady who sent her degenerate daughter to Vegas to clean up her act says Ter’s in denial. Teresa’s final edict is that they’re all different people, they should accept each other and move on.
See, if everyone would just accept that Mel’s a golddigging whore, then we could all just move on.
And then it’s time for Rosie’s dramatic coming out scene! Today’s episode of the Real Housewives of New Jersey has been brought to you by Santa Monica Blvd. in West Hollywood. So, it’s Rosie and the kids talking in a Hasbrouck Heights pizza parlor. What’s the significance of Hasbrouck Heights? Nothing, except it’s where I used to get the bus to sleepaway camp, and therefore authenticates me to write this recap.