Speaking of Dina, Caro takes the opportunity to tell us once again that it’s all Teresa’s fault. “She puts the wood on my family’s fire. I put the lid on hers.” Of course. When you’re not salivating over any scrap of gossip about her you hear. And starting a table war at the Solstice Party. And locking Gia in a playroom. Besides that, you’re the peacekeeper of Franklin Lakes.
Jamie’s house is sort of interesting although I don’t think I would live there. It’s got a huge tree growing through the middle of the house, symbolizing roots and a tree of life concept. Ummm, subtle. Ter tries to get her little birdbrain to tell us about the house, and only succeeds in not being able to articulate the word “tree trunk”.
Then we learn that gay marriage just became legal in Illinois – well, “just” is a little relative cause this season was filmed back int he 90s. Chris Manzo says that the bible says a lot of things that don’t apply in modern times. Like you can’t eat shellfish. And Chris Manzo likes shrimp.
Besides, we like to pose for trendy, pandering pictures.
Next stop on the tour is Jamie’s partner’s art room, filled with crap like a picture saying “When I sleep, I dream you are here.” Seriously? Sleep is like the only break you get, dude. “How gay is this shit,” comments Brown Smurf. Oh, Smurfy. Sappy co-dependence manifested in 5th grade art projects is for all pathetic losers, not just gay ones.
The Smurfy regales us with a story about how he and his friend once compared penises in a pool. Everyone else in the room tries not to cringe. Jacquee says that Smurfy says whatever’s on his mind, and that he thinks he’s “above the law…and maybe he is”. She’s such an idiot, she can’t even make a sarcasm work. Saying inappropriate nonsense isn’t illegal, you know.
Outside, teeny tiny Caroline is complaining that she has no ass. Ter squeezes herself between Gay Sidekick Greg – giiiiirl, please, you thought he’d miss this? – and Jacquee on a porch swing. They do not look delighted for her company.
Everyone sucks up to Caroline, the bringer of Bravo, and she says that she hates making speeches so she’s just going to wing it. Oh, that’s never a good idea. So go for it! Ter yells from the swing that the speech is making her cry. Caro shoots murderous looks at her. Jacquee points out that Ter might not realize how upset Caro is with her. Wait, why again? Dina? Gia and field day? Mel? Or just general, woke up and felt that way?
Back to Jersey! Mel and Midge arrive at the Wakiles in the rain, and Midge gives Mel a piggyback ride to the house. She yells at him the whole time. They get into the house, and are joined by Kat’s other friends, some chick named Heather and an enormous black guy. Heather organizes events for “celebrities and athletes” and the big guy is her husband, and former NBA player. Oh, a basketball wife audition.
So, Rosie is in love with Heather, and Kat thinks it’s adorable. So you invited over your straight, married friend for your sister to awkwardly ogle? I don’t get it. Rosie just keeps going on and on about how Heather is her dream girl. I’m still confused. And then – they really throw me for a loop, cause they appear to be eating sushi! Where are the cannolis?
Let’s get the update on Midge and Ter and therapy. Midge updates Lebanese Dilbert on the text, which Ter has still not replied to. He says that he’s sure she’s saying that he’s the one who needs therapy, which is exactly what she’s saying.
Midge is outside, changing into his swimsuit beside his car and full frontal toward the cameras. It’s a tiny blur. Well, over in the hot tub, Whorether is showing her true colors in a teeny tiny iridescent bikini from the Vivid Video collection. She has a huge, black tattoo that takes up a bottom quadrant of her stomach, which is how we know we are dealing with a very classy lady.