RHONJ Recap: The Royal Wedding

Recaps

By ChickBomb | Saturday, June 9, 2012 | 12:31 pm | 12 Comments
Tagged: , , ,
Posted in: Real Housewives of New Jersey, Recaps

Speaking of Dina, Caro takes the opportunity to tell us once again that it’s all Teresa’s fault. “She puts the wood on my family’s fire. I put the lid on hers.”  Of course.  When you’re not salivating over any scrap of gossip about her you hear.  And starting a table war at the Solstice Party.  And locking Gia in a playroom.  Besides that, you’re the peacekeeper of Franklin Lakes.

Jamie’s house is sort of interesting although I don’t think I would live there.  It’s got a huge tree growing through the middle of the house, symbolizing roots and a tree of life concept.  Ummm, subtle.  Ter tries to get her little birdbrain to tell us about the house, and only succeeds in not being able to articulate the word “tree trunk”. 

Then we learn that gay marriage just became legal in Illinois – well, “just” is a little relative cause this season was filmed back int he 90s.   Chris Manzo says that the bible says a lot of things that don’t apply in modern times.  Like you can’t eat shellfish. And Chris Manzo likes shrimp.

Besides, we like to pose for trendy, pandering pictures.

Next stop on the tour is Jamie’s partner’s art room, filled with crap like a picture saying “When I sleep, I dream you are here.”  Seriously?  Sleep is like the only break you get, dude.    “How gay is this shit,” comments Brown Smurf.  Oh, Smurfy.  Sappy co-dependence manifested in 5th grade art projects is for all pathetic losers, not just gay ones.

The Smurfy regales us with a story about how he and his friend once compared penises in a pool.  Everyone else in the room tries not to cringe. Jacquee says that Smurfy says whatever’s on his mind, and that he thinks he’s “above the law…and maybe he is”.  She’s such an idiot, she can’t even make a sarcasm work.  Saying inappropriate nonsense isn’t illegal, you know.

Outside, teeny tiny Caroline is complaining that she has no ass.  Ter squeezes herself between Gay Sidekick Greg – giiiiirl, please, you thought he’d miss this? – and Jacquee on a porch swing.  They do not look delighted for her company.

Everyone sucks up to Caroline, the bringer of Bravo, and she says that she hates making speeches so she’s just going to wing it.  Oh, that’s never a good idea.  So go for it!  Ter yells from the swing that the speech is making her cry. Caro shoots murderous looks at her. Jacquee points out that Ter might not realize how upset Caro is with her.  Wait, why again?  Dina?  Gia and field day?  Mel?  Or just general, woke up and felt that way? 

Back to Jersey!  Mel and Midge arrive at the Wakiles in the rain, and Midge gives Mel a piggyback ride to the house.  She yells at him the whole time. They get into the house, and are joined by Kat’s other friends, some chick named Heather and an enormous black guy.   Heather organizes events for “celebrities and athletes” and the big guy is her husband, and former NBA player. Oh, a basketball wife audition.

So, Rosie is in love with Heather, and Kat thinks it’s adorable.  So you invited over your straight, married friend for your sister to awkwardly ogle?  I don’t get it. Rosie just keeps going on and on about how Heather is her dream girl.  I’m still confused.   And then – they really throw me for a loop, cause they appear to be eating sushi! Where are the cannolis?

Let’s get the update on Midge and Ter and therapy.  Midge updates Lebanese Dilbert on the text, which Ter has still not replied to.  He says that he’s sure she’s saying that he’s the one who needs therapy, which is exactly what she’s saying.

Midge is outside, changing into his swimsuit beside his car and full frontal toward the cameras.  It’s a tiny blur.  Well, over in the hot tub, Whorether is showing her true colors in a teeny tiny iridescent bikini from the Vivid Video collection.  She has a huge, black tattoo that takes up a bottom quadrant of her stomach, which is how we know we are dealing with a very classy lady.

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12 Comments

  1. 1
    Iona Trailer
    Posted June 9, 2012 at 1:36 pm

    Miss Andy needs to have an ambush with Kim G and Danielle on these broads.

    I don’t care if Melissa is a golddigger…she is fierce and she has what Teresa wishes she could have but never will…not with that hair line.

    Big Gay Greg needs to redeem himself for all of us gays and tear into Juicy and Teresa with some snarky bitchy comments to their faces. Lets see how well they take what they like to dish out.

  2. 2
    someguy
    Posted June 9, 2012 at 2:50 pm

    Another great recap. All I can write is that Joe G what a man great Father/Husband/and Wall Street player and a pure joy to be around. I believe Joe’s sudden workout plan is for the boys he will meet in the joit..He is working out to make sure his dance card is filled out in full every night. I hope when he goes away again the kids will be able to get out, the love and positive attention he shows those kids is right out of Mr. Rodgers. The way he talks to Tre is like a Hallmark card but they do deseve eachother

  3. 3
    Nikki
    Posted June 9, 2012 at 6:14 pm

    Two Part episode! Oy vey…

  4. 4
    fancyface
    Posted June 9, 2012 at 7:37 pm

    Dude…the way the 1st 6 mins of the show happened in your mind was wayyy more interesting than what really happened lol

  5. 5
    aliens.rock
    Posted June 9, 2012 at 7:57 pm

    I thought that I was unfair and subjective in my opinion of Smirkoline, but I guess a lot of you guys think the same way.Yay!
    She is all high and mighty, but if she so ABOVE the whole reality show enterprise, why TF would you agree to be filmed for such a show?! Newsflash for you, Caroline! You are a shit stirrer and reality show attention whore. Time to face Reality. Let’s be honest. Would any of you Gasmmi fans ever consider going on one of those shows?! You make make your money, but your reputation and your privacy are gone. Besides, I can’t imagine normal people’ lives so full of drama ( mostly fake drama anyway…)

  6. 6
    fancyface
    Posted June 9, 2012 at 8:26 pm

    @aliensrock (they totally do)….You are SOOO not alone when it comes to Caroline. I think I said something really nice about how her ‘I’m so wise & cute’ interviews make me want to shoot her in the face, on the minicap. So I definitely feel you! She truly needs to stfu! She had one season where people praised her for all her ‘wisdom, & loyalty to her fambly’ (except me because I never liked the bitch from the jump) and now she thinks she’s the all-knowing, wise one that can sit in judgement of people while she’s being noble! Caroline…go scratch! (I seriously have no idea what that means but it sounds bitchin lol..if any one knows, please enlighten me so I can be informed when I tell people to do it)

    For example…I can’t freaking stand Teresa or Joe but that bitch makes me want to take their side when she’s talking. And that shit is NOT cool! DON’T MAKE ME WANT TO DEFEND THE GUIDICE, CAROLINE!

  7. 7
    Iona Trailer
    Posted June 10, 2012 at 5:49 am

    I hated Caroline in Season 1 because she was leading the charge against Danielle when Danielle did nothing to these people to warrant what they were doing to here, She then only acted out towards t5hem after her and Dina were going around Franklin Lakes with THE BOOK. Dina shit stirred all the drama and Caroline became the judge and the jury.

    I don’t hate her so much now but I think she may have some good reasons to be pissed at Teresa. The Guidice’s are just rotten human beings.

  8. 8
    MrsMiaWallace
    Posted June 10, 2012 at 10:12 am

    Great recap!

    I love the last picture of Ter on the phone, her face is an EXACT match for the brown tile in her shower. I have handbags that look less like real leather!

    I will say that when Jamie was showing the creepy doll-head art and someone said “how gay is that” or something similar they didn’t show who made the comment and I was pretty sure from the voice it was Jamie himself. But it fits with the story arc to edit so we assume it was cringe-inducing Joe Guidice.

    I don’t really think of him as “anti-gay” as much as a big dumb palooka who tries to mask his deep-seated discomfort with homosexuality in showy bravado and bad jokes. They fall flat, he looks less edgy than intolerant and his stupidity (aka Ter) sets him right up for the villain. I think he and Caroline are cut from the same cloth, she just tries to cover her discomfort in her quotes of wisdom and love and I am glad you pointed out the awkwardness of her bawling her eyes out for Jamie because being gay is a bad life.

    Didn’t we hear rumors that Dina would make an appearance this season at this wedding?? Oh well. I am excited for tonight because the recap editing made it look like Juicy yelled out some “joke” about Ter’s boobs during Caroline’s wedding speech. I am really hoping that is not the case for Jamie’s sake. I somehow doubt it happened in that order, but then again, knowingly hosting your wedding on a reality tv show pretty much disqualifies you from deserving a classy and tasteful event.

    And sweet blood? wtf? Thats what people say when mosquitoes bite them, dogs bite people because they remind them of prey. Maybe if a giant black squirrel’s nest didn’t live from her forehead to her ass, they wouldn’t be so confused.

  9. 9
    2muchbravo
    Posted June 10, 2012 at 6:56 pm

    Besides being slutty the tattoo chick in the hot tub was a little demeaning. Everyone was laughing but I would’ve been embarrassed if I were there. It’s 9:55 . The wedding’s coming up…

  10. 10
    labowner
    Posted June 11, 2012 at 9:33 am

    Teresa if you have african american friends do you think it would be okay for Joe to use the “n” word all the time? Very pathetic she used pages to defend his behavior.

    Where was Albie at the wedding?

  11. 11
    mere2142
    Posted June 11, 2012 at 5:58 pm

    I hope Bobblehead reads your decree about not more fucking therapy. I hate watching that shit!!

    I hope two boring wedding episodes is followed up with an epic fight between Tre, Caro and Jaquee. The previews better not lie!

  12. 12
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted June 11, 2012 at 6:53 pm

    I love how Rosie did not let the slutty chick kiss her. She may like having the cameras around but she’s not out to sell her soul for reality fame. It would’ve cheapened her whole ‘coming out’ episode if she would’ve tongued down a bar-sexual chick in a hot tub full of her relatives.

    Like the rest of you, I don’t know why Greg is always around either except that Andy needs a gay sidekick casted on every franchise. But now that Rosie is chewing the scenery, Greg may soon be banished to reality TV obscurity.

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