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And Rosie is in heat! Kat tells us that Rosie doesn’t like to be alone, but she just hasn’t found someone yet who sees how great she is. It’s really sweet. Then she stands by and laughs her face off as her slutty married and allegedly straight friend grinds up on her admittedly clueless about women sister.
Alcohol might have been involved.
Ohhhh, but you know who doesn’t seem to be a fan of the Whorether show? Mel! Now someone else is on display, on display, on display. What’s Mel gonna sing about? No, this Whorether will not do at all.
In the house, Midge is standing on top of a chair which makes him the perfect to chat up Whorether’s pimp. I mean, husband. He also offers to suck the man’s nipple, since he’s at the right height anyway.
Back in Chicago, it’s time for Caro’s dramatic retelling of the Jamie coming out story. She just cried. Cried and cried and cried. How come? Because of the pain he would have to endure in life, she tells us. I don’t really like that. It implies that being gay is somehow painful. I mean, maybe if you’re with a really big…okay, well the point is, it perpetuates a negative stereotype.
I ask my pal Razzy, who happens to be in the next room and happens to prefer men, for his thoughts. “They need to loosen her gastric band so she can take her head out of her ass,” he replies, barely registering though the terribly painful life experience of watching the French Open and texting with his adorable boyfriend.
But, at the end of the day, she’s happy for him. She’d rather him be happy with a guy named Rich than miserable with a girl named Cindy. Oh, everyone’s miserable with a girl named Cindy. But here’s my take for reals. Caro is old school Italian, and probably not so cool with being gay. But she loves her brother – well, until Ter turns her against him with stolen business opportunities - and hell will freeze over before she let’s Bravo stardom slip from her hands, so she’s going along with it. And clever Jamie even got her to give a speech.
Dina made me do it! I’m not even really gay.
Back in the party bus to the hotel. And hey, there’s Vito! Such a beloved character. Brown Smurf starts talking about smelling a fart, and then decides that Gay Sidekick is the obviously the culprit because “he’s got the loosest butthole here”.
Gay Sidekicks’s eyes narrow dangerously. The party bus gets cringe-worthily silent. Brown Smurf guffaws and slaps Ter’s thigh reveling in pride for his hilarity. Caro tells us the Brown Smurf is a shell of the man she met four years ago. Wait just a minute now, I thought all these people went waaaaay back, that’s why they keep calling themselves family. I though Ter was Dina’s kid’s godmother or vice-versa? I can’t keep track of this anymore. What year are we in again?
Caro says that she now sees Brown Smurf as an unhappy, troubled alcoholic. Well, then your vision’s 20/20, sister. And even the Evil But Mind Numbingly Stupid Smurf knows he’s gone too far. He goes to hug Gay Sidekick, who at first is not having it but ultimately and to his credit stiffly accepts the hug.
Caro tells us that she is very conscious that she can not allow herself to show her true feelings about Brown Smurf because Ter will take that opportunity to ruin this wedding. Hell yeah she will! “And “I am a ticking time bomb. Tick. Tick. Tick,” she concludes ominously.
Well, why do you she was invited? Bravo owns this wedding.
“Sit on my finger!” the Brown Smurf yells joyfully at Ter. And I think that’s enough for now.
See you in a bit for next week’s installment – it’s wedding, part two. Can’t believe this thing is a two parter. Kisses, CB