RHONJ Recap: The Royal Wedding

Recaps

By ChickBomb | Saturday, June 9, 2012 | 12:31 pm | 12 Comments
Tagged: , , ,
Posted in: Real Housewives of New Jersey, Recaps

And Rosie is in heat!  Kat tells us that Rosie doesn’t like to be alone, but she just hasn’t found someone yet who sees how great she is.  It’s really sweet. Then she stands by and laughs her face off as her slutty married and allegedly straight friend grinds up on her admittedly clueless about women sister.

Alcohol might have been involved.

Ohhhh, but you know who doesn’t seem to be a fan of the Whorether show?  Mel!  Now someone else is on display, on display, on display.  What’s Mel gonna sing about?  No, this Whorether will not do at all. 

In the house, Midge is standing on top of a chair which makes him the perfect to chat up Whorether’s pimp.  I mean, husband.  He also offers to suck the man’s nipple, since he’s at the right height anyway.

Back in Chicago, it’s time for Caro’s dramatic retelling of the Jamie coming out story. She just cried.  Cried and cried and cried.  How come?  Because of the pain he would have to endure in life, she tells us.  I don’t really like that. It implies that being gay is somehow painful.  I mean, maybe if you’re with a really big…okay, well the point is, it perpetuates a negative stereotype.

I ask my pal Razzy, who happens to be in the next room and happens to prefer men, for his thoughts.  “They need to loosen her gastric band so she can take her head out of her ass,” he replies, barely registering though the terribly painful life experience of watching the French Open and texting with his adorable boyfriend.

But, at the end of the day, she’s happy for him.  She’d rather him be happy with a guy named Rich than miserable with a girl named Cindy.  Oh, everyone’s miserable with a girl named Cindy.  But here’s my take for reals.  Caro is old school Italian, and probably not so cool with being gay.  But she loves her brother – well, until Ter turns her against him with stolen business opportunities -  and hell will freeze over before she let’s Bravo stardom slip from her hands, so she’s going along with it.  And clever Jamie even got her to give a speech.

Dina made me do it!  I’m not even really gay.

Back in the party bus to the hotel.  And hey, there’s Vito!  Such a beloved character.  Brown Smurf starts talking about smelling a fart, and then decides that Gay Sidekick is the obviously the culprit because “he’s got the loosest butthole here”. 

Gay Sidekicks’s eyes narrow dangerously.  The party bus gets cringe-worthily silent.  Brown Smurf guffaws and slaps Ter’s thigh reveling in pride for his hilarity.  Caro tells us the Brown Smurf is a shell of the man she met four years ago. Wait just a minute now, I thought all these people went waaaaay back, that’s why they keep calling themselves family.  I though Ter was Dina’s kid’s godmother or vice-versa?  I can’t keep track of this anymore.  What year are we in again?

Caro says that she now sees Brown Smurf as an unhappy, troubled alcoholic.  Well, then your vision’s 20/20, sister.  And even the Evil But Mind Numbingly Stupid Smurf knows he’s gone too far.  He goes to hug Gay Sidekick, who at first is not having it but ultimately and to his credit stiffly accepts the hug.

Caro tells us that she is very conscious that she can not allow herself to show her true feelings about Brown Smurf because Ter will take that opportunity to ruin this wedding.  Hell yeah she will!   “And “I am a ticking time bomb.  Tick. Tick. Tick,” she concludes ominously. 

Well, why do you she was invited?  Bravo owns this wedding.

“Sit on my finger!” the Brown Smurf yells joyfully at Ter.  And I think that’s enough for now. 

See you in a bit for next week’s installment – it’s wedding, part two.  Can’t believe this thing is a two parter.  Kisses, CB

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12 Comments

  1. 1
    Iona Trailer
    Posted June 9, 2012 at 1:36 pm

    Miss Andy needs to have an ambush with Kim G and Danielle on these broads.

    I don’t care if Melissa is a golddigger…she is fierce and she has what Teresa wishes she could have but never will…not with that hair line.

    Big Gay Greg needs to redeem himself for all of us gays and tear into Juicy and Teresa with some snarky bitchy comments to their faces. Lets see how well they take what they like to dish out.

  2. 2
    someguy
    Posted June 9, 2012 at 2:50 pm

    Another great recap. All I can write is that Joe G what a man great Father/Husband/and Wall Street player and a pure joy to be around. I believe Joe’s sudden workout plan is for the boys he will meet in the joit..He is working out to make sure his dance card is filled out in full every night. I hope when he goes away again the kids will be able to get out, the love and positive attention he shows those kids is right out of Mr. Rodgers. The way he talks to Tre is like a Hallmark card but they do deseve eachother

  3. 3
    Nikki
    Posted June 9, 2012 at 6:14 pm

    Two Part episode! Oy vey…

  4. 4
    fancyface
    Posted June 9, 2012 at 7:37 pm

    Dude…the way the 1st 6 mins of the show happened in your mind was wayyy more interesting than what really happened lol

  5. 5
    aliens.rock aliens.rock
    Posted June 9, 2012 at 7:57 pm

    I thought that I was unfair and subjective in my opinion of Smirkoline, but I guess a lot of you guys think the same way.Yay!
    She is all high and mighty, but if she so ABOVE the whole reality show enterprise, why TF would you agree to be filmed for such a show?! Newsflash for you, Caroline! You are a shit stirrer and reality show attention whore. Time to face Reality. Let’s be honest. Would any of you Gasmmi fans ever consider going on one of those shows?! You make make your money, but your reputation and your privacy are gone. Besides, I can’t imagine normal people’ lives so full of drama ( mostly fake drama anyway…)

  6. 6
    fancyface
    Posted June 9, 2012 at 8:26 pm

    @aliensrock (they totally do)….You are SOOO not alone when it comes to Caroline. I think I said something really nice about how her ‘I’m so wise & cute’ interviews make me want to shoot her in the face, on the minicap. So I definitely feel you! She truly needs to stfu! She had one season where people praised her for all her ‘wisdom, & loyalty to her fambly’ (except me because I never liked the bitch from the jump) and now she thinks she’s the all-knowing, wise one that can sit in judgement of people while she’s being noble! Caroline…go scratch! (I seriously have no idea what that means but it sounds bitchin lol..if any one knows, please enlighten me so I can be informed when I tell people to do it)

    For example…I can’t freaking stand Teresa or Joe but that bitch makes me want to take their side when she’s talking. And that shit is NOT cool! DON’T MAKE ME WANT TO DEFEND THE GUIDICE, CAROLINE!

  7. 7
    Iona Trailer
    Posted June 10, 2012 at 5:49 am

    I hated Caroline in Season 1 because she was leading the charge against Danielle when Danielle did nothing to these people to warrant what they were doing to here, She then only acted out towards t5hem after her and Dina were going around Franklin Lakes with THE BOOK. Dina shit stirred all the drama and Caroline became the judge and the jury.

    I don’t hate her so much now but I think she may have some good reasons to be pissed at Teresa. The Guidice’s are just rotten human beings.

  8. 8
    MrsMiaWallace
    Posted June 10, 2012 at 10:12 am

    Great recap!

    I love the last picture of Ter on the phone, her face is an EXACT match for the brown tile in her shower. I have handbags that look less like real leather!

    I will say that when Jamie was showing the creepy doll-head art and someone said “how gay is that” or something similar they didn’t show who made the comment and I was pretty sure from the voice it was Jamie himself. But it fits with the story arc to edit so we assume it was cringe-inducing Joe Guidice.

    I don’t really think of him as “anti-gay” as much as a big dumb palooka who tries to mask his deep-seated discomfort with homosexuality in showy bravado and bad jokes. They fall flat, he looks less edgy than intolerant and his stupidity (aka Ter) sets him right up for the villain. I think he and Caroline are cut from the same cloth, she just tries to cover her discomfort in her quotes of wisdom and love and I am glad you pointed out the awkwardness of her bawling her eyes out for Jamie because being gay is a bad life.

    Didn’t we hear rumors that Dina would make an appearance this season at this wedding?? Oh well. I am excited for tonight because the recap editing made it look like Juicy yelled out some “joke” about Ter’s boobs during Caroline’s wedding speech. I am really hoping that is not the case for Jamie’s sake. I somehow doubt it happened in that order, but then again, knowingly hosting your wedding on a reality tv show pretty much disqualifies you from deserving a classy and tasteful event.

    And sweet blood? wtf? Thats what people say when mosquitoes bite them, dogs bite people because they remind them of prey. Maybe if a giant black squirrel’s nest didn’t live from her forehead to her ass, they wouldn’t be so confused.

  9. 9
    2muchbravo
    Posted June 10, 2012 at 6:56 pm

    Besides being slutty the tattoo chick in the hot tub was a little demeaning. Everyone was laughing but I would’ve been embarrassed if I were there. It’s 9:55 . The wedding’s coming up…

  10. 10
    labowner
    Posted June 11, 2012 at 9:33 am

    Teresa if you have african american friends do you think it would be okay for Joe to use the “n” word all the time? Very pathetic she used pages to defend his behavior.

    Where was Albie at the wedding?

  11. 11
    mere2142
    Posted June 11, 2012 at 5:58 pm

    I hope Bobblehead reads your decree about not more fucking therapy. I hate watching that shit!!

    I hope two boring wedding episodes is followed up with an epic fight between Tre, Caro and Jaquee. The previews better not lie!

  12. 12
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted June 11, 2012 at 6:53 pm

    I love how Rosie did not let the slutty chick kiss her. She may like having the cameras around but she’s not out to sell her soul for reality fame. It would’ve cheapened her whole ‘coming out’ episode if she would’ve tongued down a bar-sexual chick in a hot tub full of her relatives.

    Like the rest of you, I don’t know why Greg is always around either except that Andy needs a gay sidekick casted on every franchise. But now that Rosie is chewing the scenery, Greg may soon be banished to reality TV obscurity.

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