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After Sonja and Carole return, Pleather says she’s ready to shake her money maker. And another one bites the dust. Please welcome “shake your money maker” to the linguistic dead pool. Having one-upped themselves beyond boring in London, they bid the city on the Thames adieu.
Back in New York, all attention shifts to Aviva’s upcoming party and the debut of Sonja in the City. Sonja is at The Empire Room with one of her interns who is working hard for those college credits.
Sonja brags of picking the caterer, flower arrangements, location, and singer. Since the camera interview was after the event, does she have room to be bragging? We shall see.
Meanwhile, Aviva brings Carole to the salon before the party to catch up on what went down in London. Spoiler alert, Aviva: Nothing! Aviva is totally chill since anything that goes wrong will be on Sonja in the City’s shoulders.
Carole was getting a little too relaxed with her scalp massage and let the cat out of the bag that Reid called her for some help with his speech. On a sad note, it reminds Carole of her husband’s passing a couple of weeks before their fifth anniversary. Seeing that Carole is getting choked up, Aviva shows great tact by changing the subject to a happier time in Carole’s relationship. Of all the scenes this season, this is the closest to the way real friends interact.
Before Carole spills the details about London, she invokes the girlfriend code with Aviva: What’s said in the salon while being filmed for a syndicated TV show, stays in the salon. Geez, if only this carp would stay in the salon and get out of our heads.
First up, the one-upmanship by LuAnn, which was way over the top, even by housewives standards. Carole owns being catty with it instead of coming out and telling LuAnn that it bothers her. Cool Cat Carole also points out that LuAnn talks about “her circle” which Carole views as leaving people either inside or outside. Cool Cat Carole prefers including everyone, if they’re in the salon.
With no further ado, PARTY TIME! Guests are arriving and Aviva is loving what she’s seeing so far–since she’s only seeing her own guest list and chosen venue, the Empire Room. Carole and Sonja tell Ramona how much they missed her in London, while Ramona lies and says she’s glad that she didn’t go…sniff, sniff.
Once everyone has arrived, it is time for the torture, um, entertainment. Sonja brings up Aviva and Reid to meet the singer who is supposed to entertain and honor them for the evening. Meet Cara Queazy, everyone! I love how Bravo used the phrase “Entertainer” under her name instead of singer, lap dancer, Madonna wannabe, ice pick in the ears-er…
Descending the stairs, Aviva stumbles and hurts herself. Her husband immediately helps her up and to a prime spot for the
performance catastrophe Sonja picked exclusively for them. Sonja said the lyrics were just for them, but considering all it sounded like was “Do it now,” over and over, what does it all mean? The whole place is confused and scrambling for ear plugs. What are they supposed to be doing? Dancing? Laughing? Breaking out torches and pitchforks to kill the monster? Be embarrassed by the anniversary couple lap dance? Pull the fire alarm? Oops, did I just give someone an idea?
This party is one-upping itself in hilarity, especially when Sonja proudly claims that the success of a party is knowing the people you’re throwing it for, especially when it comes to cramming debasing entertainment down their throats. Even though Aviva and Reid are polite people, they look like they’re fuming, “Am I paying for this shit?” Reid gives a lovely toast, which Aviva thanks Carole for when it’s her turn at the mic. Come to think of it, after hearing Aviva’s speech, maybe the C-Queasy show wasn’t as far off as it seemed.
After the performance, everyone is waaayyy ready for drinks. Pleather can’t drink the wine–oh snap!–so she’s sticking to vodka. Ramona has been doing a great job avoiding Heather, but her luck runs out when Mary-O brings Heather and her husband to speak with Ramona. Within seconds, Mario grabs Jonathan and off they go, leaving Pleather and Pinot Queen to
scratch each others’ eyes out talk.
Ramona says she doesn’t want to talk about it, but of course she does. She has to tell Pleather that she is upset by Pleather lying to her, saying stuff to friends behind her back, and being fake–i.e., being a cast member on this show.
Pleather doesn’t play fair and asks Ramona what she lied about. Ramona can’t remember 5 seconds ago, let alone tell true from false, so she just throws a fit to get out of the conversation. Finally, a little action–Great White Grin Pleather smells blood in the water and circles Ramona, taking a chunk out of her azz with each pass, as Ramona does a seal impression and bounces from futile escape attempt to the next.
In her camera interview, Ramona shows her inappropriate psycho and alky sides, complaining that Heather’s acting “all ‘bring it’ like she’s on 150th Street.” Ramona apparently missed the memo that Great White Grin Pleather’s gangsta chic is right outa Hell’s Kitchen. Now, Ramona has dissed Harlem and Hell’s Kitchen Heather–she’s fuckin’ surrounded and Mary-O ain’t gonna swoop in to save her–he’s having too much fun watching the fireworks with the rest of us.
Ramona is proving that one can’t say anything to Ramona’s face, because she emits a hurricane force spew of crazy that prevents all other speech in her presence. Plus Heather’s smile really pisses her off. Ramona storms off, but Heather don’t play dat. Pleather shakes her head, stirs her vodka, and follows Ramona’s blood trail circulating around the room. Uh-oh, Ramona isn’t pleased and takes off to get another glass of PiNight Traingio once she sees her new shadow flashing those sharp pearly whites. What’s that, Ramona? Where ya’ going? Don’t worry, Heather’s coming for
Heather is hilarious and relentless chasing Ramona around. Ramona hasn’t moved that fast since she spotted a wino across the park with half a bottle left. As if a full blown shark attack in progress wasn’t fun enough, a fire alarm starts going off, but everyone goes honey badger and continues without giving a shit–except for Aviva and Sonja. Sonja dreams of the firemen that will show up, while Aviva is going down a checklist of phobias to distract herself from the panic attack she’s been having since C-Queasy touched her and she couldn’t find any Purel.
Time for another round of cocktail bumper cars with Heather and Ramona. Heather apologizes for hurting Ramona’s feelings, but Ramona says that Heather didn’t hurt her feelings, because she is just fake. Heather apologizes for being a smiling faker, with a tone and demeanor that displays some of the most predatory fake empathy ever seen outside an episode of Dexter. Bad Heather! Stop that smiling! At wit’s end, Ramona skitters away again, into the arms of—the countess?
Of course, the countess runs straight to Pleather to get her side of the story. LuAnn thinks she can sympathize with Pleather, having been on the receiving end of the “Singer Stinger” and tells Pleather that if there are sides to be taken, she’s on her side. Little does she know, the girl with the Great White Grin isn’t stung, she’s in a feeding frenzy. So will these alliances hold for the rest of the season? Time, fakeness, and gnashing, vicious, predatory teeth will tell–with a big grin.
Next week, Aviva and Reid invite Ramona, Mario, and Sonja to Miami. We get to meet Aviva’s dad and learn the house rules.