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Wednesday, July 18, 2012
9:04 am
18 Comments
After Sonja and Carole return, Pleather says she’s ready to shake her money maker. And another one bites the dust. Please welcome “shake your money maker” to the linguistic dead pool. Having one-upped themselves beyond boring in London, they bid the city on the Thames adieu.
Back in New York, all attention shifts to Aviva’s upcoming party and the debut of Sonja in the City. Sonja is at The Empire Room with one of her interns who is working hard for those college credits.
Sorry, this is a text from your college. They’ve seen the show and are revoking your credits.
Sonja brags of picking the caterer, flower arrangements, location, and singer. Since the camera interview was after the event, does she have room to be bragging? We shall see.
Meanwhile, Aviva brings Carole to the salon before the party to catch up on what went down in London. Spoiler alert, Aviva: Nothing! Aviva is totally chill since anything that goes wrong will be on Sonja in the City’s shoulders.
Carole was getting a little too relaxed with her scalp massage and let the cat out of the bag that Reid called her for some help with his speech. On a sad note, it reminds Carole of her husband’s passing a couple of weeks before their fifth anniversary. Seeing that Carole is getting choked up, Aviva shows great tact by changing the subject to a happier time in Carole’s relationship. Of all the scenes this season, this is the closest to the way real friends interact.
Are you sure this looks good for the party?
Before Carole spills the details about London, she invokes the girlfriend code with Aviva: What’s said in the salon while being filmed for a syndicated TV show, stays in the salon. Geez, if only this carp would stay in the salon and get out of our heads.
First up, the one-upmanship by LuAnn, which was way over the top, even by housewives standards. Carole owns being catty with it instead of coming out and telling LuAnn that it bothers her. Cool Cat Carole also points out that LuAnn talks about “her circle” which Carole views as leaving people either inside or outside. Cool Cat Carole prefers including everyone, if they’re in the salon.
I love everyone and wanna put ‘em all in this big dryer on my head.
With no further ado, PARTY TIME! Guests are arriving and Aviva is loving what she’s seeing so far–since she’s only seeing her own guest list and chosen venue, the Empire Room. Carole and Sonja tell Ramona how much they missed her in London, while Ramona lies and says she’s glad that she didn’t go…sniff, sniff.
Once everyone has arrived, it is time for the torture, um, entertainment. Sonja brings up Aviva and Reid to meet the singer who is supposed to entertain and honor them for the evening. Meet Cara Queazy, everyone! I love how Bravo used the phrase “Entertainer” under her name instead of singer, lap dancer, Madonna wannabe, ice pick in the ears-er…
Aviva and Reid, this is Cara. Cara, this is Aviva and Reid.
Descending the stairs, Aviva stumbles and hurts herself. Her husband immediately helps her up and to a prime spot for the performance catastrophe Sonja picked exclusively for them. Sonja said the lyrics were just for them, but considering all it sounded like was “Do it now,” over and over, what does it all mean? The whole place is confused and scrambling for ear plugs. What are they supposed to be doing? Dancing? Laughing? Breaking out torches and pitchforks to kill the monster? Be embarrassed by the anniversary couple lap dance? Pull the fire alarm? Oops, did I just give someone an idea?
Pour that pinot in the toilet. Do it! Do it! Do it!
Rip your ears right off of your head. Do it! Do it! Do it!
This party is one-upping itself in hilarity, especially when Sonja proudly claims that the success of a party is knowing the people you’re throwing it for, especially when it comes to cramming debasing entertainment down their throats. Even though Aviva and Reid are polite people, they look like they’re fuming, “Am I paying for this shit?” Reid gives a lovely toast, which Aviva thanks Carole for when it’s her turn at the mic. Come to think of it, after hearing Aviva’s speech, maybe the C-Queasy show wasn’t as far off as it seemed.
Bravo better be paying for this.
This is more like it. Less singing, more touching!
After the performance, everyone is waaayyy ready for drinks. Pleather can’t drink the wine–oh snap!–so she’s sticking to vodka. Ramona has been doing a great job avoiding Heather, but her luck runs out when Mary-O brings Heather and her husband to speak with Ramona. Within seconds, Mario grabs Jonathan and off they go, leaving Pleather and Pinot Queen to scratch each others’ eyes out talk.
The Fake Smiley Twins.
Ramona says she doesn’t want to talk about it, but of course she does. She has to tell Pleather that she is upset by Pleather lying to her, saying stuff to friends behind her back, and being fake–i.e., being a cast member on this show.
Pleather doesn’t play fair and asks Ramona what she lied about. Ramona can’t remember 5 seconds ago, let alone tell true from false, so she just throws a fit to get out of the conversation. Finally, a little action–Great White Grin Pleather smells blood in the water and circles Ramona, taking a chunk out of her azz with each pass, as Ramona does a seal impression and bounces from futile escape attempt to the next.
In her camera interview, Ramona shows her inappropriate psycho and alky sides, complaining that Heather’s acting “all ‘bring it’ like she’s on 150th Street.” Ramona apparently missed the memo that Great White Grin Pleather’s gangsta chic is right outa Hell’s Kitchen. Now, Ramona has dissed Harlem and Hell’s Kitchen Heather–she’s fuckin’ surrounded and Mary-O ain’t gonna swoop in to save her–he’s having too much fun watching the fireworks with the rest of us.
Smiling? I’m not smiling, I’m just about to unhinge my jaw for a bigger bite.
Ramona is proving that one can’t say anything to Ramona’s face, because she emits a hurricane force spew of crazy that prevents all other speech in her presence. Plus Heather’s smile really pisses her off. Ramona storms off, but Heather don’t play dat. Pleather shakes her head, stirs her vodka, and follows Ramona’s blood trail circulating around the room. Uh-oh, Ramona isn’t pleased and takes off to get another glass of PiNight Traingio once she sees her new shadow flashing those sharp pearly whites. What’s that, Ramona? Where ya’ going? Don’t worry, Heather’s coming for with you.
Where ya going? I’m not done ripping you a new one, yet.
Heather is hilarious and relentless chasing Ramona around. Ramona hasn’t moved that fast since she spotted a wino across the park with half a bottle left. As if a full blown shark attack in progress wasn’t fun enough, a fire alarm starts going off, but everyone goes honey badger and continues without giving a shit–except for Aviva and Sonja. Sonja dreams of the firemen that will show up, while Aviva is going down a checklist of phobias to distract herself from the panic attack she’s been having since C-Queasy touched her and she couldn’t find any Purel.
Don’t worry about that alarm. I pulled it to get a date for later.
Time for another round of cocktail bumper cars with Heather and Ramona. Heather apologizes for hurting Ramona’s feelings, but Ramona says that Heather didn’t hurt her feelings, because she is just fake. Heather apologizes for being a smiling faker, with a tone and demeanor that displays some of the most predatory fake empathy ever seen outside an episode of Dexter. Bad Heather! Stop that smiling! At wit’s end, Ramona skitters away again, into the arms of—the countess?
Oh no, I’m about to pass out from the pinot fumes.
Of course, the countess runs straight to Pleather to get her side of the story. LuAnn thinks she can sympathize with Pleather, having been on the receiving end of the “Singer Stinger” and tells Pleather that if there are sides to be taken, she’s on her side. Little does she know, the girl with the Great White Grin isn’t stung, she’s in a feeding frenzy. So will these alliances hold for the rest of the season? Time, fakeness, and gnashing, vicious, predatory teeth will tell–with a big grin.
Welcome to my world, Miss Smiley.
Next week, Aviva and Reid invite Ramona, Mario, and Sonja to Miami. We get to meet Aviva’s dad and learn the house rules.
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18 Comments
I’m thinking that last season Sonja said that her interns were the children of her friends who sent them to Sonja to get “schooled” on living in the big city.
I’ve never had or used a bidet…but isn’t that for washing your hooliehoo and more? If so….wouldn’t that be the same as dunking your head in a toilet?? There isn’t enough bleach in the contiguous United States to convince me that that could ever be sanitary.
I actually have used that technique which I learned from a Paul Newman interview as an anti-aging practice….but a sink is easier, cleaner, and plenty deep enough. I don’t think I’d want to be Sonja’s boyfriend after witnessing that beauty regimen….(maybe it’s just me)
the shark scene description is brilliant!!!! I am also put off my that grin,yikes! I can’t tell if the scrunchy nose thing while smiling is too much botox (bunny nose) or how she naturally smiles. heather has a very strange lack of movement in her jaw while talking. She is the opposite of crazy kelly whose lower jaw moved like a jackhammer. Heather seems like she is talking through clenched teeth and scrunched nose the whole time. Plus, she would benefit from a teeny tiny rhinoplasty. There, i’ma total bitch for saying it, I know, gangsta whoochile going “holla” in da house.
that would be “put off by that grin”
@whoochile – you are bad, but I agree with your assessment. Heather’s face bothers me. And her nose is why those glasses DID make her look like Groucho Marx. I love that she just thought the others weren’t hip enough when in reality, her face is wrong for the frames…
@BSL- great recap. I particularly liked this line: “Geez, if only this carp would stay in the salon and get out of our heads. “. I know you meant “crap”, but calling Aviva or Carol a carp is so perfect I loved it!
I hate Heather, she the exact same as Ramona, she’s like the other side of the coin and the intent she had for the show was to gun for her. She’s a lock-jawed, bunny-nose egomaniac to Ramona’s bug-eyed, slope-mouthed drunken heap of un-selfawareness. I vote them both off the island
Cuntess is insufferable. She does strut around with her pumpkin head and I Love her finally getting a bad edit. I applaud Carol if for no other reason than to point out her idiocy. I would be as sick as her of Lu’s endless prattling and showboating. I hope she finds a way to stick her title straight up Lu’s babymaker.
I do like that Carole owned her immaturity. While it was funny it was immature, but Luann never caught on anyway.
I guess with Heather I just get the I am going to exclude you just so you KNOW that I don’t like you. Because how much time did they really spend with Heather in a place where something would have been said that was out of line. At the slumber party were Luann said she had sex on a ping pong table, after Sonja put her face in the bidet, at the croquet game?!!?!?
Cherry I took a Chines Medicine class from our local college. The teacher said you should end your shower with cold water as it helps to keep you healthy.
Found out Carole is on the show because she is hoping her not yet finished book (is it done yet?) will be made into a tv show.
I thought of the opening scene of Mommie Dearest when I saw Sonja throw her face in the bidet full of ice. However, I’m pretty sure Joan Crawford/Faye Dunaway did that in a big bowl – not the bidet. That’s just foul. Of course, this is the woman who smeared her naked vag all over her dining room table for the cookbook cover, so nothing’s shocking at this point.
Sugar don’t forget she forgot the bottoms to her costume as well. She is nutty but loveable.
BSL, your imagery of a shark chasing the Pinot Princess around the party is great. All Bravo has to do is play the music from Jaws and they’ve got a viral video.
I must say, I like Heather. She knows how to stop Ramoaner’s nonsense and even drive her out of a party, without any fighting or screeching. Ramoaner doesn’t know how to deal with a woman that won’t fight with her or be shocked by her outrageous chattering. Someone that simply smiles at her in a dismissive and condescending manner.
I am on the Heather bandwagon too if it means someone is standing up to Ramona and her pinot-filled behavior. During their talk Ramona’s eyes kept darting back and forth like a caged mouse trying to find an exit. This is a bravo show and each one must show a reason to stay. Heather walking away from the conflict with Ramona does not make for good reality tv.
I did find the editing of this show off. One minute they are in England and the next scene they are walking into Aviva’ party. After watching the party scene they would have had more fun staying in England. Boring
“Maybe it is a royalty thing, but the countess takes it upon herself to enter the room of the sleeping princess.”
Ha! Brilliant!
That was the bestest recap of all time!
BSL has it down!
However COHEN needs to do some work on NY. Zzzzz
Oh dear, the “Entertainer” bit had me having a bit of a laugh attack. Ah, Sonia. You crazy hipster chick ya. Great recap!
wow the new girls are boring as hell…wtf bravo
@Lisa 15– I am guessing that Aviva is related thru marriage to a producer–my gimlet cawfee eye spied a “Dresher” in the credits. ANd Princess Carole (love her!!!!) is shopping her book and TV show. And Heather (smiling b/c I like her–youse guys know I do–and I give her and her rookie mistakes alot of passes except her intro “Holla!!!”) not too sure except that she must have applied.
We knew that Jill had to go along with Crackers Bensimon and Cyndy. Alex and Simon could have stayed I think for another season to help the crew transition in.
Heather is an asshole and there is nothing cute about her antics. She knows exactly what she’s doing & so does Ramona. Ramona has her number and in my opinion Ramona came out on top in that scene because she cut that bitch off at the knees as she desperately chased her around for a scene. So over that dumb beeyotch.
BTW…that poser didn’t say baby maker..she said baby maka which makes it 10 times worse! Ughh!
I’m so glad Heather was added to the mix. Finally, a match for the beast that is Ramona. Heather doesn’t let her bulldoze her so Ramona flees, leaving a trail of crap steaming out of her.
Heather may not be as pretty as ole crazy eyes but at least she doesn’t have crazy eyes nor have the worst case of brain-farting, malicious turrets.
FINALLY there’s Heather now, a voice of reason on this ridiculous show.