What is this–Barney’s Cuddly Purple Dinosaur Housewives? The ladies are still playing nice, with the exception of LuAnn and Ramona in the park last week. Even that ended with a handshake and no bloodshed, darn it. The season preview promised mud slinging, screaming, and claws-out drama, so let’s hope these first three episodes are setting up the scene for some real action to come.
Aviva, Sonja, Carole, and Heather kick off the latest pot-boiler with what Bravo calls a boozy brunch. I call it a drunch, but then I’m kind of distracted with Aviva’s hair. It looks like one of her kids took off the top layer with safety scissors while she was memorizing her curriculum vitae.
Sonja and Aviva chose to drive into the city, so they’re late in traffic, but what better opportunity for them to get some camera time and kvetch about their phobias. Since her accident, Aviva is justifiably frightened of being entrapped and all sorts of machinery. Sonja, meanwhile, is irrationally afraid someone will be annoyed by her happiness and throw her into the path of an oncoming train–well, maybe that’s justified, too. It’s silly and gruesome at the same time, and I wonder what story Ramona would have come up with to one-up this.
I can’t look. What is Aviva’s hair doing?
Once the drunch alky-hall kicks in, Sonja casually brings up living with a count for six years when she was in her 20s. Does anyone really care what happened 50 years ago? Still, that’s quite a coincidence until we find out she’s talking about Count Chocula in her panties–um, pantry.
She seems even happier doubling-down and bringing up her “dalliances” with Harry the Horse as she’s sitting next to his ex-wife. When will we see Aviva snap off that prosthetic leg and go all “Walking Tall” on their azzes?
Anyone here need a good bubble bath?
It seems like Aviva wants to know the details, just like we want to watch this train wreck, but not really. Heather toasts to Harry to “give him a little something,” to which Sonja says they all gave him something. All of the drunchers begin to feel a little itchy. How exactly is that leg attached? Velcro? Is that a lightening bolt carved into the side of it? When Aviva starts with the Joe Pesci “So you think I’m funny” schtick, time to get the napkins up, ’cause it’s gonna get messy.
Contrast the domestic, peaceful scene of LuAnn and her daughter looking at a photo album, which is really only a set-up for LuAnn to tell Victoria that she’s been thinking about making a baby with Jacques. This is probably a good time to tell all of you that I’ve been thinking about rappelling into Mount Vesuvius–especially now, and Victoria’s coming, too.
To LuAnn’s credit, she acknowledges that her chances of getting pregnant aren’t that great–and neither is this storyline. At this stage in her life, I’d think that her eggs are similar to what you find at the grocery store late on a Sunday night. Gotta say, though, the redeeming feature here is Victoria–I marvel at how adults so immature and effed up can have kids who seem so mature and cool. Mad props to Victoria–keep on with your bad self!
Do you see the statue behind me? Well, it keeps whispering to me to start making babies.
The four ladies have moved from the boozy brunch to a genuinely beautiful club with breathtaking views owned by one of Carole’s friends. Aviva is afraid of heights and elevators, but she agrees to go along since Reid will be meeting her there. During the ride, Carole says that she’s met Steve Tyler and they look like they were separated at birth, which they frighteningly do.
From Carole’s BravoTV.com blog
Aviva awkwardly brings up more of her phobias and being prepared for the apocalypse, from stockpiling Cipro (a habit from Harry days) to caching gas masks. Hope she can run fast with that prosthetic leg because once fight or flight kicks in, she’s gonna need to be hauling ass because being at the back of the herd is never pretty.
The sky is falling.