Last season’s reunion show was extremely caustic and catty. The finger-pointing and screaming over each other were non-stop, making it nearly impossible to decipher what was being said. It didn’t take a lip-reader or subtitles to understand the ladies could not continue down the path that they were on. Alex, Jill, Cindy, and Kelly are not returning this season. In their places, three new housewives make their debut: Carole Radziwill, Heather Thomson, and Aviva Drescher. First up, LuAnn and Aviva are friends prior to this season after noticing each other at a party like attractive people do to each other. They meet up at The Central Park Boathouse to chat over coffee. The Classy Countess tells the camera that Aviva is poised, graceful, and charming, that no one would know that she had a handicap. So…those cripples are normally such tacky disasters, I guess? Wow…just wow.
LuAnn asks Aviva if she’s ever brought her kids to the place. When Aviva says that she hasn’t, LuAnn suggests that they rent a gondola and let LuAnn sing for them. Aviva and her family have actually been there several times, but Aviva continues to lie to LuAnn since she still has nightmares and flashbacks from LuAnn’s performance and the gigantic headpiece that she wore at Jill’s birthday party last season.
Remember, Dahhhhling, I can sing for those kiddies. Be sure to bring life vests, though, sometimes they jump out once I hit the high notes.
Aviva asks about LuAnn’s Countlets and is shocked that Victoria is already applying to colleges and spent July in Paris. Aviva used to live in Paris, so the friends hatch a plan to speak in a “code” language–French. Aviva commends LuAnn’s French boyfriend for having such great taste since, as a French man, he would instinctively know a good woman–or at least a tasty one–when he finds her…preferably served with sides of money and a reality TV contract. Hold the meuniere, we’re all on a diet here.
Next, Aviva asks about the Count. He travels between Switzerland and Asia, but is planning a visit to the States and will be staying in their home in the Hamptons since LuAnn is such a great ex. Aviva brings up her ex, and something about her response to LuAnn’s reaction gives some credence to the rumors floating around that Aviva’s ex-husband has been intimate with some of this season’s housewives. All of the ladies love Harry’s style of socializing, except Aviva. LuAnn looks nervous during this part of their conversation, especially when Aviva brings up that she knows Sonja dated her ex-stud, she just doesn’t know if it was before, during, or after their marriage. Why does LuAnn have to throw in that she went out with Aviva’s ex, too–but just for drinks. Aviva says that it is shaping up to be a gross love fest–kinda like picturing a couple in their 80s…you know…socializing…just for drinks.
Socializing…over drinks. Yeah, right.
Speaking of her ex’s maybe-mistress, Sonja is throwing a party and LuAnn offers to bring Aviva as her guest. Aviva is a little hesitant as she relates a prior experience of seeing Sonja while she was still married to Harry at a party in the Hamptons, and once Sonja saw Aviva, Sonja bolted. The Countess thinks it was by chance and can’t think of any reason why Sonja would do that intentionally. Bitch, puh-leeze. As they talk about the chance that her ex might show up, Aviva says they get along okay so she’s not worried about it. She says her ex is nice and means well. She really is classy for a handicapped person–maybe too classy for this mentally and morally handicapped crowd. Cheating isn’t well-meaning to anyone I’ve ever met, but then I’ve never met Harry.
Jump cut to Sonja running around trying to get her home ready for her parrrrrtaaaay. Her assistant hasn’t put water in the flower vases or rolled the chairs to remove cat hair. Damn useless assistants! The assistant can’t even chop the pillows properly. Ughh! Cat hair, fluffy pillows, and dried out flowers aren’t the only thing on Sonja’s mind–where’s that gorgeous bartender? She sends her assistant to fetch him for momma. Sonja dislikes stale guests as much as stale brioche, so she’s got fresh vittles and the guests better bring their best fresh.
Can’t you get the pillows right? You chop ‘em like they’re hot!