It gets stranger when Heather thanks Ramona for sharing that story, that Heather loved it, and even said, “Yay!” Heather offers Ramona a drink. As Ramona scans the office and sees that she isn’t in her fully stocked wood alcohol-fortified Pinot Grigio den, she declines. It seems like Ramona probably doesn’t drink anything but her Pinot Grigio.
Five-foot forceps? Yay!
Sonja and Aviva meet up to get pedicures. Talking head Sonja says she knows Aviva’s ex-husband very well and she’s heard of “this Aviva” but now that she has met her, Sonja finds her amazing and is wondering why Harry has been keeping her from Sonja. Uh, okaaaay. Aviva digs into her orange bag that reminds Sonja of the bag Eric Clapton brought with them to play pool. What Aviva has in the bag would make an amazing pool cue, but it’s actually her third leg. Aviva had a farming accident when she was a child and is an amputee. There are many questions that one might want to ask, but Sonja is just interested in which leg she wears for sex. Aviva says it depends upon the mood. Sonja seems surprised because she walks so gracefully instead of clomping around like she’s wearing wooden Dutch clogs. It gets completely out of hand when Sonja asks if she makes xylophone noises during sex.
Oh wait, it’s playing the ice cream truck song!
Aviva is an amazing woman and counsels others who have lost limbs. She says the hardest time, though, was when she was dating a man and the subject hadn’t come up for a few dates. When she did tell him, he took her home and never called again. I like Aviva, so it is very sad to think that anyone would respond that way to this great lady. Aviva decided to be upfront with dates in the future, and with her husband, she told him on the first date and he thought it was pretty cool–he’s a big Lionel Hampton fan. I think he’s pretty cool, too. Yeah, Lionel Hampton, too.
Sonja says that her psychic, Roberta, told her she’d be meeting a 45-year-old serious person. This leads to talking about speed-dating, which is how LuAnn met Jacques–and how LuAnn speed-dated Aviva’s ex like a turnstile–whirrr, whirrr, whirrr–for a three-night stand. The thoughts in Aviva’s mind must be whirling around like a turnstile. Aviva is wondering who else is going to come out of the woodwork. You guessed it–Punxsutawney Phil and he couldn’t give a fuck about his shadow ’cause he’s headed to the Hamptons.
Now that the action has moved to the Hamptons, Heather is getting together with Ramona and Sonja for drinks. Yay! Holla! Heather tells Ramona that she saw Sonja in the throw-away magazine that Ramona was featured in, too. Hot damn! Sonja and Ramona telling the homeless stationed by the trash bins how they can have it all and how to have toaster oven meals. Maybe they can light up the garbage bin and have some s’mores. That’s all fine and dandy, except the homeless don’t have toaster ovens. Next free magazine “Have It All” article–blazing 55 gallon drums meals.
Tiring of the toaster oven talk, Ramona says she doesn’t want to talk about business, so without skipping a beat, Heather tells the ladies that her father who suffered from bone marrow cancer just passed away. Heather toasts to him. She doesn’t stop there, though, she has a diabetic, blind friend that also had a pancreas and kidney transplant who she wants to toast, and her housekeeper who fell down the stairs after slipping on a Hot Wheels car, and the valet who 30 minutes earlier accidentally pressed the accelerator instead of the brakes and ran over an elderly lady walking her cocker spaniel. There’s so much to toast to that the evening goes on forEVER.
Oh for the love of Pinot, make her shut up.
Before the guests arrive for Ramonster’s dinner party, she is in the kitchen having a showdown with the help over a wine opener. The lady insists that she knows how to use it, but this is precious 30 minute vintage Ramona Pinot Grigio at stake here. Surprise! The cork is stuck halfway. Mario comes in and takes over and doesn’t fix the situation. They finally use an old-fashioned manual opener and allow lush eyes to get her transfusion–just be careful with any matches within 20 feet.