Carole, the smartest and luckiest lady of the bunch, skipped the Hamptons drama, so to get brought up to speed, she invites Heather, Aviva, and LuAnn to meet her at Orsay. I will come out and say that I adore Carole–enough to wear a “Carole” suit. Aviva arrives first and when Carole orders a diet Coke, Aviva tells her that it causes cancer–to a woman that lost her husband to cancer. Rather than listen to the speech, Carole switches to iced tea and agrees to use whatever sweetener it is that Aviva has brought with her–rare and expensive unicorn tears.
Did you just order a diet Coke?
The Countess arrives and quickly orders a decaf cappuccino since she only has enough time to do a drive-by preemptive strike against Ramona before running off into the arms of Jacques. LuAnn has been keeping this to herself because she didn’t want to say anything to detract from the focus of Victoria’s art show. The Countess was throwing a party for her son’s 15th birthday and things were going well until kids came running in saying a girl is passed out in the bushes. LuAnn runs out and sure enough, there’s a girl that drank too much BEFORE she got there or someone snuck in alcohol and she was completely passed out. LuAnn is conveniently leaving out that her stately grounds had been infested with Jagermeister gnomes for two months prior to that fateful night.
I have seen them…at night…in the bushes.
They needed to call 911 and get an ambulance for the girl. LuAnn tells the ladies about a conversation with Ramona in which she had the nerve to say to LuAnn that if she continues to pursue that damn apology, “let me tell you that you don’t want to go down that road.” Ramona said she knows things about LuAnn’s children and will tell the world–THE WORLD! The Countess heard Mary-O in the background going, “Yeah!” LuAnn says they called to threaten her children! She asks the ladies if they’ve ever heard of anything so disgusting in their lifetime–THEIR LIFETIME?!?! Heads are gonna ROLL for touting another network!
LuAnn then tells the ladies that she asked Ramona if she’s threatening her, to which Ramona said, “Oh, you don’t want to go down this road.” LuAnn is disgusted that Ramona would go after her kids like a half bottle of Pinot Grigio laying in the gutter. The Countess says that Ramona has spies–SPIES!–in the Hamptons! LuAnn says she’s not being paranoid, that Ramona brought up something about Victoria trying to sneak out of the house two years ago. Hint: Jagermeister gnomes. Repeat, Jagermeister gnomes.
The Countess whips out her phone and reads a text supposedly from Ramona saying she felt sorry about their “words” and she didn’t want to go there. LuAnn thinks that means she will go there and the Countess will do everything she can to protect her family. Heartbreak Heather shows up and LuAnn jumps out of her seat to scoot off because she simply CANNOT repeat the horrors of the Ramona situation one more time.
I swear, if she goes down that road…Let’s just say I better get that damn apology!
After the Countess leaves, Aviva and Carole fill Heather in on the details. Heather says that the children are off the table. They better not be on the table! Carole asks how Ramona and Mario behaved at their dinner party. Aviva thought they were gracious most of the time, but Heather felt rushed and insulted by being told to stop interrupting and zip it. She felt like they tag-teamed shutting her down and she didn’t feel warm and fuzzy there. Heather says she told them the feeling is mutual. Aviva, Carole, and Heather agree to never become mean girls. How will they ever survive? Holla!
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