Aliens Among Us
I didn’t remember the man boobs.
Greetings Gasmii! Is that crickets I hear chirping? Are WaffleBoy and I the only ones still watching this show? It’s getting better I promise! An oddly familiar start, however.
During the Previouslies for episode 4, I hear the beating of dead horses off in the distance as we’re again reminded that Lana and Alicia are like oil and water. Lana has heard (and continually repeated) that Alicia sleeps with married men. Despite Alicia’s eventual denial of these horrifying allegations, Lana still hates Alicia because a) Alicia didn’t accept Lana’s “apology” and b) Lana thinks Alicia is lying about being an entertainment reporter. We end this segment with a flashback to Lana’s sister Natalya and her performance artwork from Amy’s mom Wendy’s birthday party at the Mob Museum.
Happy klassy birthday to bleeping Amy’s mom!
We open in Lana’s office, where sister Natalya shows up to dish about the Billionaire Mafia’s new clothing line which includes a lizard t-shirt.
At the crossroads of Irrelevant and Fame
Shouldn’t it be IrrelevanCE and Fame? Or Irrelevant and FamOUS? Then Lana shows a picture of Alicia saying “and this is the real one.” Lana tells Natalya that Alicia claims to be an entertainment reporter, and we cut back to last episode’s Rumble in the Park where Alicia says she works for Channel 3. Lana asks when she can watch Alicia in action. Alicia, inexplicably counting on her fingers, replies “4 o’clock, 6 o’clock and 11 o’clock.”
Oh CRAP what time does that station I said I work for air the news?????
Lana asks her assistant to call Channel 3 and find out if Alicia works there, while interviewing that she really hates liars and if Alicia is lying she wants to know. The assistant returns and it turns out Alicia doesn’twork for Channel 3, prompting Natalya to gleefully exclaim “And the truth shall set you free, bitches!” I’m wondering where she learned that phrase. Well, the Bible part at least.
Not the mouth of a regular Bible study attendee
We head to Lori’s house, which is so beautiful.
I’m definitely jealous.
It would hurt more if Lori didn’t always seem so genuinely nice.
Lori and her twin sister Lisa are turning 50 and they both look great. And almost exactly the same. To the point where every time they’re together and Lori’s husband tells her how beautiful she is I feel like he’s sort of saying it to Lisa too and accidentally cheating. It creeps me out a little bit.
Lori says turning 50 kind of sucks and she doesn’t even really like saying it out loud, but since it’s sort of a big deal they’ve decided to do it up Vegas-style. As they plan the party out by the pool, Lori’s husband Ron comes by and suggests they go with a “Lori and Lisa’s 100 year birthday party” theme.
Trying to find out how not in the mood I am when I feel old, eh?
Did you ever get that life insurance policy? We could just take him out right here.
Alicia and Tricia (the bestie from the Rumble; also WAYNE NEWTON’S SISTER-IN-LAWin case you didn’t remember from the twelve times it was mentioned last time)
aka the Pageant Twins
are having a drink when they’re joined by Kimberly,
who I’m certain travels with at least seven spirit guides.
Kimberly and Lana are good friends so the Pageant Twins invited her to get some advice on how to proceed after the Rumble. Kimberly says that “the reason I have a different experience of Lana is because I’m attracting a different Lana then you are.” She says it’s not actually Lana that Alicia’s been interacting with, but instead “some energy you’re attracting from Lana.” She says this completely straight-faced and isn’t acting stoned at all other than the touchy feely energy talk, so I’m guessing she either did too much acid at some point in her life or recently moved here from California.
I think I found Kimberly’s high school yearbook picture.
Cut to Lana’s house, where she’s nearly making out with Mikey the Trust Fund Monkey who is oddly leashed to a playpen.
Lana has invited the girls over, minus Alicia. As Amy arrives, she interviews that she’s still super pissed about what went down at Wendy’s birthday party and she’s really hoping for an apology. As they eat, she asks what happened and Lana says Lori and Jen dragged them into the hallway to talk things over so it really wasn’t her fault. Despite the deflection, she does manage an “I’m sorry.” Natalya remains uncharacteristically silent.
If I don’t remember it, it didn’t happen.
Amy is not pleased.
Who are these people?
The ladies, who still don’t know the reason for this gathering, retire to the movie room as Lana tells them they’re here to watch the Channel 3 news so they can see
Alicia in action that Alicia is a big fat liar.
Hmmm this is Channel 3…where’s Alicia?
Despite the comfy chairs, the other ladies are really uncomfortable and don’t like that they’re talking about Alicia when she’s not there to defend herself, so Lana says “let’s call her!” Alicia, still out having drinks, answers her SparklePhone as we go to commercial.
Sparkle or die!!!!
When we get back, Lana tells Alicia she and all the ladies are watching the news and they don’t see her doing all this entertainment reporting she’s been talking about. Alicia says she appreciates Lana’s concern, but she’s not working this week, and if they tune in next week she’ll be back on the air. Lana continues, saying she called Channel 3 who said Alicia hasn’t worked there in a long time, making the other ladies even more uncomfortable, which I didn’t think was possible.
The TLC checks aren’t worth this.
Alicia interviews that since she’s out with friends it’s not the time to explain industry concepts like freelance work and independent contractors, but she’s glad Lana called just as she was trying to explain to Kimberly how crazy Lana was. She reiterates to Lana that she’ll be back on air next week and they end the call.
Kimberly chastises Alicia, saying “why are you giving her your energy this way? It’s very childish.” Tricia agrees. Kimberly tells Alicia she likes Lana, but she doesn’t have that with Lana, pointing at SparklePhone. Then she interviews that she sees people differently than most; she can “feel their essence…it’s a unique experience to be a friend with me.”
Also a “unique experience.”
Man, I have a hard time looking at that stone cold sober. While I’m ripping on Kimberly because it’s easy, I love the fact that she is unapologetically eccentric and she actually has some great advice.
Plus who am I to argue with all of this hair?
Back at Lana’s house, Lori is pretty upset about the ambush on Alicia’s character. Lana interviews that Lori needs to grow a pair of balls. Natalya acts like this was a public service; exposing Alicia’s lie shows her lack of integrity and the sisters were just saving the ladies from getting any closer to such a charlatan. Although she totally doesn’t use that word. And I’m almost positive she has no idea what it means.
I mostly only know four-letter words.
How convenient that she’s next to all the alcohol. Jen, showing just how much time she spends around men (poker, family, two sons), takes a man’s approach by calling Channel 3 herself to get to the bottom of things.
When Channel 3 again verifies that Alicia doesn’t work there, Jen is pretty pissed. She interviews that since she makes a living “seeing through people’s bullshit” as a poker player, she doesn’t want to have to deal with bullshitters in her personal life. With that, and some dramatic music, the ladies leave Lana’s and we go to commercial.
After the break, Lana stops by Lori’s to apologize for the awkwardness of Channel3Gate, and invites Lori and her sister Lisa to Sedona for the weekend to celebrate their 12th 39th birthday. They’re both really excited, especially about all the amazing spas. Lana is happy for the opporunity to show them her Sedona, and interviews that she has people there ready, willing and able to help them let their emotions out. This should be fun.
They’re leaving in the morning, and taking Lana’s private plane. Lori interviews that one of the best parts of having your own company is being your own boss, giving you the freedom to say “heck yeah I’m jetting on up out of here for the weekend.” I think of all the free time underemployment brings without the funds to do anything interesting with the time and thank Flipit there are recaps to be read.
As the ladies exit the Hummer at the Executive Airport south of the Strip, Lana interviews that someone with a Lantourage, a monkey, and a company called Billionaire Mafia definitely requires a private plane. It’s the ultimate luxury! Given the build-up, I’m expecting a roomy interior with shirtless Chippendale flight attendants serving beverages from a cart.
Private plane private plane private plane!
Lisa and Lori arrive with roses and Cristal, which opens itself in the hangar prompting Lisa’s Alcohol Abuse Prevention training to kick in.
Must. Not. Waste. Alcohol.
She quickly downs the bubbliest of the bubbly to avoid spilling any more.
Not even one drop.
As they board, Lori interviews how excited they are to take a private plane to Sedona for a nice, relaxing weekend. Lana interviews that flying private is really the only way to go. They seriously say “private plane” at least four more times, and I’m really excited to see this thing! Imagine my surprise when we see this:
Where are the Chippendales?
I mean, I don’t have a plane. But then, I also don’t have a monkey. Or a NouveauPoortourage. So I will give her that she has a plane and an actual pilot, and room for three friends and at least one bodyguard. But what a letdown! Also I don’t think I’d be overly bragging about my “private plane” so much if I felt the need to explain things mid-flight.
“This is my starter plane.”
Lana wants to get a G6, which I’m hoping has room for Chippendales? She says she’s working really hard to make that happen when suddenly Lori jumps in with “let’s go halves!” Thank you, Lori, for not saying halvesies. Halfsies. Whatever it’s not even a word so thank you again.
Oh hey – Lana heard me and says she wants a topless, “seriously good-looking” male flight attendant and agreeable Lori is game as long as they can have a Cristal refrigerator. Lana is pretty excited, opining that it will take much less time to get her DreamPlane if they’re in it together. I’m thinking either planes are way more expensive than I thought they were, or Lana maybe needs to change the name of her company.
They land in Sedona with new age music playing and the twins talking about their peaceful and beautiful surroundings and how wonderful and amazing all this pampering will be. Then they start driving. And driving. And driving. It’s getting dark. Lori interviews that she was starting to wonder where the spas were. And the restaurants. And the manicures and pedicures and facials. Finally they stop in the absolute middle of nowhere and see this guy:
who hugs Lana and welcomes her back. He’s a UFOologist!
Or a UFologist? UFO-logist?
I might have just gone with alien communication engineer. Lana asks if they found the mother ship. NAMT Chris says they called but he’s not sure if they’re coming to meet them or not. Lori and Lisa’s hearts sink.
This isn’t going to be a spa retreat weekend is it.
WHY ARE WE HERE????????
They’re going alien hunting!!! Lana interviews that she was transported here from a different planet and they need to hunt down the aliens and make contact.
I think she’s kidding?
Lori and Lisa are NOT down, with Lisa repeatedly asking to go back to the car. I am not ashamed to admit that I am EXACTLY like Lisa in situations like this. I’m a wuss, plain and simple. The last time I was in a haunted house I was eight years old and I freaked out so bad that they turned all the lights on and everyone took off their masks to try and get me to calm down. They finally ushered us out the emergency exit (I was hysterical for like the next hour) and I have never set foot in one since. So simply put, I’m on Team Lisa for this.
No thank you.
When you throw in the bugs and the random desert wildlife – do you have any idea how mutated creatures have to be to survive in the desert? – and remember that they thought they were going on a spa trip, and I’m incensed for the both of them. I would have been seeing red if it were me.
Lana interviews that she figured the best birthday gift she could give Lori and Lisa was the confidence to be gained from testing their fears, allowing them to emerge from their alien hunting with a newfound self-trust. Lori, and especially Lisa, continually ask to turn around while Lana keeps saying things like “it’s fun!” Boundary pushing without consent or prior knowledge sounds like the exact opposite of fun to me, but then, maybe I’m a control freak.
Is Lana bringing back the fanny pack?
They finally stop meandering through the pitch black desert, and Chris tells them they’ve reached the valley where the paranormal activity in the area is centered. Lana “asks” if the twins will venture down in there with her, adding “don’t say no!” for good measure, and we head to commercial.
I hate your new friend.
When we come back, the UFOHunters have come to a fence with No Trespassing signs clearly posted.
Lori interviews that she really didn’t want to go over the fence, but I can’t tell if she’s scared of the “activity” or if her goody-goody nature is making her not want to trespass. Lisa finally bails, saying she’ll be there at the gate when they return.
Please make it stop.
Lori further interviews that she’s never done anything like this before and it feels kind of liberating, so she decided to suck it up and go. I hate that I’m proud of her because that makes Lana’s gift kind of a good idea, but again, I’m way more the Lisa of this pair at this point. Scary stuff no bueno. Have fun phoning home.
I guess the cameras weren’t allowed to trespass (probably a smart move) because we don’t see any of their encounter, but after the break they return – it says 25 minutes later – to Lisa at the gate, and Lana and Lori look really happy to have shared such a comfort-zone outing experience together. Hugs all around.
Back in Vegas, Amy called Alicia and they’re meeting at the Mob Bar to talk about Channel3Gate. Amy tells Alicia she’s been pondering whether or not she wants someone as aggressive as Lana in her life, apparently completely forgetting about the toy-lizard-Alicia she gave Lana in episode 2. Guess you shouldn’t have picked a side until you knew what was what there, MobDaughter.
Amy apologizes to Alicia, and Alicia seems truly appreciative. She reiterates that Lana’s accusations are complete crap and starts in on her side of all the drama, but we’re spared our forty-fourth recapitulation of the story when Amy interrupts her with a horrible, sharp pain on the right side of her abdomen.
While I am sad that you’re in pain, thank you for the reprieve.
They think it may be her appendix, and Amy finally decides that it’s bad enough to call 9-1-1, and with that we head to a commercial, with Amy looking pretty rough.
Or perhaps she’s doing a very poor reenactment of the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
Oh dear God please do not let this be an I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant crossover
We come back from break and Fire Rescue is there. As they’re wheeling Amy out, she’s in tears, saying “the pain…oh God the bumps it hurts SO bad…” She interviews that she had never been so scared in her life, and that it felt like somebody was stabbing her. I had to have my appendix out when I was younger so I can actually totally relate to this. The worst part is not knowing what’s going on, so I’m glad the ambulance got there so quickly.
Back in Sedona, Lori and Lana, their sisters in tow, are hiking through the desert to detox and recharge their batteries. I so did not see this touchy-feely stuff coming from Lana, she who hires little people to escort her to charity events. We meet Eaye (wtf?) a spiritual healer who is going to guide them through some “energy work” to clear, cleanse, balance and heal.
Doesn’t it take at least one consonant to make a word?
He explains that they’re going to individually meet with him over at a vortex, on the next plateau, which is a bit higher up thus allowing for fuller opening of the seventh chakra.
Seriously, I hate your new friend.
Lana explains that there are vortexes (vortices?) all over the Earth and she comes to see Eaye (how would one pronounce that?) regularly because apparently the ones in Sedona are all the rage. I’m just still in shock that energy work is Lana’s thing. And worried about Eaye if he’s planning on any alone time with Natalya – I cannot begin to imagine what kind of evil would come out of her Pandora’s box of opened chakras.
PUT IT BACK IN!!!!!!!!!!!!
We see Eaye (oh hey – it’s E-yay, Lana just said it) directing Lana to recall a time in a past life when she was ignored or passed over and recognize that she’s now overcompensating for that experience in this life, which actually seems like it could be a valid observation should reincarnation be a reality. Kimberly and Eaye might make an awesome couple. Then he loses some credibility for staring directly down Lana’s shirt.
But then, how could he not?
Lori heads to the vortex, voicing over that she has no idea what to expect from this experience. Eaye asks her for permission to put his hands on her chakras. Lori’s all “of course” but looks like she’s terrified and, not knowing where her chakras are, wondering if she just gave him a free pass to do naughty things.
She says she’s going into it with an open mind, and it seems like she has a very positive experience. Eaye calls her out on not always seeing her truth, and tells her not to fight the emotion as she tries not to cry, since she’s her own guide now. He tells her being so politically correct doesn’t always help her move forward since she’s constantly trying to please everyone else. He encourages her to stand in her light as a goddess and they hug.
Lori interviews that Lana is definitely eccentric, but if you crack the exterior she’s actually a really good person. After a commercial, as the Sedona crew leave for the airport, Lori interviews that she had an amazing weekend and she feels great about turning 50, even being proud to say it out loud, so I guess the trip was a success. Although it should be noted that we haven’t heard a peep out of Lisa since the alien adventure.
Back in Vegas – oh look there’s Amy! Phew – she looks fine! As she’s pulling up to meet Alicia, she interviews that yesterday was really scary; she thought her appendix had ruptured, or there was something else really wrong with her. But wait, what’s this? Holy crap, REALLY? No, it wasn’t appendicitis. Or kidney stones. Or attack of the killer gall bladder.
Amy has Irritable Bowel Syndrome.
And admitted it to everyone, which does take some balls. Or thirty-seven pages of signed contracts saying TLC owns whatever happens on their watch. That has to be one of the more embarassing medical stories I’ve heard in my life.
HELP ME I’M DYING FROM GAS!
And I’m dying from laughter. Ouch. Amy sees the humor. “Yep, IBS. Irritable bowel. Lovely.” Knowing that it was a touchy digestive system that made her “more scared than she’s ever been in her life” makes me question this whole MobDaughter thing.
That’s nothing compared to my gas pains.
It seems that Alicia went to the hospital with Amy and stayed with her the whole time, and that is a seriously awesome solid even though it turned out to be something non-life threatening. Amy tells Alicia that she’s super appreciative and that the whole experience definitely increased the level of trust she feels between them, so she rewards Alicia with a drive into the desert
to The Killing Grounds.
Amy tells Alicia that this is where they used to kill people who broke the code. Amy said growing up in the life she grew up in – you know, the one that wasn’t as scary as the cranky colon – it was hard to trust people and when they broke that trust this is where they were dealt with.
I am going to be coming home right?
Alicia interviews that it’s actually really shocking to be in a spot where you know so many people have died, but she’s really happy Amy trusts her enough to open up her life this way. What an episode of very strange bonding!
In the last segment, it’s finally the twins’ birthday party! They head to a club at Planet Hollywood for the pre-party in a limo with Lori’s husband Ron and who I’m hoping is Lisa’s son and not her date because he looks very, very young. And mohawky.
To fifty! Twice!
Lana and Alicia both interview that they’re just going to ignore each other, and it seems to go pretty well. There are toasts, everyone drinks, and Ron gifts Lori with a trip to Monaco which based on her reaction she really wanted. And so we close episode 4 with everyone partying into the night Vegas-style.
Being Vegas, I wonder how many people that night just thought they were seeing double
So what’d you think? I was really happy to see some storylines outside of Lana vs. Alicia this episode, and it was nice to see the bonding between Lori and Lana in Sedona and Amy and Alicia over flatulation and unmarked mobster graves. I wish they had gotten to some of this earlier; maybe more people would still be watching?
I’m still hard at work catching up – episode 6 aired last night and there are only two more to go so check back soon if you want to see what happens. Thanks for reading!