Sister Wives Recap: Loss, Depression and Failure: The Feel Good Episodes

At least he gets to go back to Utah.

Howdy, Gasmii!  I hope you’re all having a great holiday season.  I’m spending the run-up to Christmas calling UPS every day to ask where the massive shipment of presents to me is.  Memo to UPS:  “are you sure anyone even sent you a gift?” is not an acceptable response.  If nothing turns up by Friday I will turn to Plan B:  waiting for the UPS guy to come into the building, then dashing outside to help myself to boxes from his truck. 

My role model.

Of course, I’ve also been watching Sister Wives, the gift that keeps on giving.  Let’s get to it!

The first ep this week is a total downer, apart from Janelle’s segment.  We open with all the wives and Kody at the realtor’s.  They start with making decisions on the counters.  Kody says Meri won’t make a “paper, rock, scissors” decision.  Ah, Kody.  You’re such a simpleton.  Who the hell makes decisions for a half-million dollar home based on a coin toss?  Oh right, that’s probably how you picked your wives.

The budget for the homes has been divided by 4.  So . . . shouldn’t they all get identical homes?  Christine is 15% under her budget, and Kody remarks Meri may take that, which doesn’t please Christine, who’s at least trying to be thrifty.  Well, as thrifty as one can be buying a huge home with no real income.  On the couch, Christine remarks that if they were 4 separate families, money would be allocated differently.  Well, for all intents and purposes you are, so that must be all the more galling.  Christine wants a ceiling fan, also tile in the dining room.  What, so it can look like McDonald’s?

That should fit all the kids nicely.  Easy to hose down too!

We then learn that Meri has maxed out her budget on page 1 of the options.  Of course she has.  When is Robin Leach going to do a show on Meri?  Kody says let’s lose the french doors, to which Meri shoots back that she will not have sliding doors, has said that all along, and hates them.  Listen, missy, the American Sliding Door Association has a bone to pick with you! 

So since they’re French do they stink of Gauloises?  Tres charmant.

Kody tries to reason with Meri, pointing out that she’ll likely end up eliminating something necessary for those doors.  On the couch, Meri says she puts in “equal work” to all the other wives, implying that she deserves an equal share of the spoils.  Not surprisingly, no one agrees with her.  Apart from Robin, they just sit staring straight ahead, looking like they’re all counting v e r y s l o w l y to 10. . .

At the end of the day, Kody mentions they still have to clean up their credit preparatory to the final approval.  Why do I think this means they will eventually not get the houses?  Meri makes some joke about her counters.  Ah shut your yap, you selfish cow.

Commercial.  We’re back at Meri’s, where Kody has come over to discuss Drake, their dog.  I don’t remember ever seeing Drake before.  He’s an older lab who’s now having incontinence issues.  Meri immediately brings up euthanasia.  Whoa, sister!  Just cause a dog has some bladder issues doesn’t mean he should be headed for the knacker!  Meri says Drake is 12, and Kody points out that most of their kids were born after Drake, so he’s the only dog they’ve known.  Kody asks Mariah, who’s also in the room, what she thinks, and she’s against putting Drake down. 

Apart from being old, what is Drake’s medical condition?  We don’t hear that they’ve taken him to a vet, gotten a diagnosis, tried any medicines or other therapies, or that Drake has any problems apart from simply being old – which isn’t a reason to put down an animal.  Kody says that since they are going to Utah, they’d better take Drake with them, so now the kids should have a chance to say goodbye because they’re not bringing him back.  I get that Kody was raised on a farm, but these kids weren’t, and aren’t inured to animal death.  Couldn’t he do the “going to the vet” thing and just come back without Drake, rather than putting the kids through this?  Apparently not, because Kody pooh-poohs that idea.

I really hope that there was a much bigger story that was (inexplicably) edited out.  Because if these folks put down a dog just for being incontinent, that’s wholly unacceptable.  Also if that was the case, I’m sure Mariah will remember that when you get incontinent, Meri.  It’s not that far away, you know.

All the kids come over, Meri breaks the news to them, and they’re devastated.  There’s weeping, kids take photos with Drake and say goodbye to him.  No one realizes that this upsets Drake.  There’s no way he doesn’t sense something’s going on!  Bad Browns!  Bad!

Commercial.  We return to Janelle, who’s discussing that she switched trainers since last year (when they considered starting a gym and she was working out with Christine and Meri).  She’s been working out with Shawn for about a month, and it seems to be going well.  We see Janelle clearly working hard with the trainer.  Kudos, Janelle!  On the couch, Christine sounds supportive.  The others?  Eh, they don’t seem that impressed.

Now Kody, Meri and Mariah are preparing to leave for Utah.  Kody says the Utah AG dropped the investigation into their family.  So . . . why are they not moving back to the home they own?  Which is considerably less money than 4 huge new homes in Vegas?  No one on this show ever answers the questions everyone asks.  And by “everyone” I mean of course “recappers”.

Commercial.  We return to the house in Utah, where Kody is going to dig the grave – before Drake is dead, before the vet has even arrived or made a diagnosis.  “Keep hope alive” is clearly the Browns’ motto.  We learn that another dog is buried on their property, but don’t hear any backstory about that unfortunate pet.  As Kody is digging the grave, he shares that he never said goodbye to his home.  Honey, you still own it.  You’re free to return to Utah.  You’re in Utah!  What the f do you have to say goodbye to?  Also, how about your dog, the one you’re going to have killed?  No desire to say goodbye to him?

Rick, the vet, shows up.  Rick tells Kody that Drake is suffering and it would be humane to put him down.  So they do – luckily not on camera, although we do see his body in the grave. 

Goodbye, boo.

On to our second ep.  Christine is studying for her real estate exam again.  (She failed it the first time).  Is real estate really the right area to be heading into now?  Vegas is a depressed real estate market; beginning agents don’t make that much, do they?; and agents work on commission, which is obviously not a steady income.  Why couldn’t Christine, oh, go to work at Target?  Or anything else that offers a steady income, and perhaps also benefits?  I know, it’s crazy talk.  Christine says she’s only studying 15 minutes a day because of her child-care duties.  Funny, I remember Logan taking care of younger kids when he lived at home.  Christine, how’s about asking one of your older kids to mind Truely for a while?  Or take her over to Meri.  Since she doesn’t have to clean up after Drake anymore, I’m sure she has plenty of free time!  On second thought, take her to Robyn.  Meri might want to have Truely put down if she soils her diaper.

Everyone goes over to the property to see “ground being broken”, which consists of one lone machine digging a tiny trench.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH  I am so freaking impressed!  Break out the champagne!  Oh wait, they are!  It’s probably Martinelli’s. 

The kids think finally moving into adjacent houses will be a lot better, more like Utah.  Yes, it will.  Of course, moving back to Utah will be even more like Utah.

Look, gates!  Reminds me of Uncle Warren’s compound!

Commercial.  We return to Christine, Kody and Mykelti visiting Jennifer Henry, a fashion designer.  Mykelti wants to be a designer, so this will give her a taste of what they do.  There’s no designing today, though.  A model is going to be put into a specific dress, get hair and makeup done, and then get photographed.  The dress is pretty delicate, it’s made of cellophane.  Pretty cool, actually.

Some of Mykelti’s designs.  Isn’t that the Maloof Hoof?

At one point the half-clad model comes into the room where Kody is.  On the couch, we hear about what an amazing guy Kody is, as soon as he saw the model he immediately left the room.  Christine calls Kody a gentleman.  Then Robyn pipes up and drones on redundantly about Kody “choosing to be a gentleman”.  I think he’s just scared of girl parts.

Commercial. We return to Christine again complaining she doesn’t get much help.  She’s been “studying a lot” (didn’t she just say 15 minutes a day?)  Passing the test is really important to her, because it would be something she would accomplish herself.  But aren’t the sister wives supposed to help her in this?  Isn’t that what sister wives means?  Christine seems to read my mind, and says her relationship with her sister wives is dwindling (because of their separate homes).

Better pick up her GetGlue sticker now!  I have a feeling she won’t have one next season . . .

And now the SUPER EXCITING LAUNCH OF MYSISTERWIFESCLOSET.COM!  OMG!!!  Of course, the Browns all seem to think it’s like a rocket launch, the web developer presses a button and presto!  Once the site is live, they’re all fixated on computer screens and cellphones, monitoring folks visiting the site (about 300) and tweeting about it.  Sadly, only 28 people bought items in the first – what, hour? day? week?  In response to a tweet about their product prices, Meri points out that their pieces are sterling.  Sterling, people!

Here’s a piece that’s sixty bucks, along with their description.

As sisterwives,the four of us have a very special relationship. We are there for each other through thick and thin. We know that we can rely on each other. We love each other. We understand each other and we draw from each other’s strengths. We have a lot of ladies say they have a friend that they have a “sisterwife” like relationship with. (They are quick to point out they aren’t sharing their man though!) she is the best buddy, the confidant, the rock, a mother figure to their children and she is a strong woman. We wanted to honor those relationships with these rings. The two S’s coming together to make a W is a symbol of sisterhood, friendship, and strength. It stands for SisterWife, Strong Woman, Super Woman & Super Wife. There are many ways to wear these special rings. You can wear “CONNECTIONS” by itself or you can separate the two parts and add the “STRENGTH” band to each piece to create “FOREVER FRIENDS”. Wear one set and give the other set to your close friend.

Or your rival for one man’s affections.

Commercial.  We return to Christine leaving for her test.  She interviews that she feels the Browns have failed as a family, since they are 4 separate families now.  She wanted sister wives to help raise her kids, not to do it all by herself. 

Everyone is going to a park to await Christine.  Robyn is quick to remind everyone that Christine failed the test the first time.  Little witch.  Christine arrives and says she’s passed the test.  On the couch, Christine says she can’t wait until she sells her first house and says “ok what debt do we eliminate?” with her check.  Christine is now officially the sweetest person on this show.

On the couch, Christine talks about how they all helped each other out in Utah.  But in Vegas, she didn’t get help from her sister wives, and had to have her kids pick up the slack.  She again says she feels like they’re failing as a family.  Meri disputes that their family is a failure.  Christine continues that she passed her exam to ensure they could get the new houses, so they would no longer be separated.  She goes on to say she chose polygamy because of the wives (well that and the planet with Kody), and says she’s been raising kids on her own for 2 years, she doesn’t ask for help, the other wives don’t, and that’s not what she signed up for. 

On that somber note, our second ep ends.  Next week, a trip to Nauvoo that doesn’t seem it turns out well.  Quelle freaking surprise.

Same time same place next week, Gasmii!  See you then!

To get the funniest quotes from TVgasm recaps as they’re posted, follow us on Twitter. You can post your favorite lines right back at us. If you want to play games and socialize, like our Facebook page! We’re also now on Pinterest and Tumblr! Thanks for being a part of the gasm!