JMomm is now at Sleep Cheap, where she buys a bar set, a three piece zebra print ottoman set, three rugs, a leopard chair, and a leopard shoe. “I’m working really hard right now,” she tells us. If it’s too hard for her, I’d be willing to go out and buy everything I need to decorate my house on someone else’s dime. “What a shitty errand day,” JMomm mutters as she leaves the store.
Back at the house, Snooki is phoning the roommates to invite them over. “The shore house roommates are very important to me, and I feel like they should know what’s going on,” she interviews. “They’re used to me partying and being drunk and all crazy, and now I’m going to be a mom and a wife, so it’s totally like, um, 360.”
I’m going to be a mother, so I have to sound all intellectual and stuff.
JMomm gets back, and Snooki tells her that all the roommates are coming, even Pauly. “Mike?” JMomm asks, and Snooki replies that “you couldn’t pay me enough to fucking do that. And I’m not talking to Mike about my business, he’s not my friend.” Looks like somebody’s holding a bit of a grudge about certain past events.
Anthony the Handyman arrives, and he is not a sexy black man, which Snooki points out to JMomm right in front of Anthony. That’s not awkward at all. “We basically need to be Guidofied,” JMomm tells Anthony. He asks if they have any of the brackets or any other hardware to hang up their decor, and of course they do not. “I have nail glue,” Snooki offers.
“Thank God that now we have a handyman, so he can start decorating, me and Jenni can do the painting, and just start getting this place, you know, ready to go.”
Our next show will be on HGTV, mo-fos.
Snooki puts on a surgical mask that is apparently a souvenir from her days as a vet tech. Or, as she says, “When I used to operate on animals.” I had forgotten that she was training for a real career before MTV snatched her up and
ruined her lifemade her famous.
Anthony the Handyman asks what he’s getting paid, and JMomm replies with so little enthusiasm that somebody really ought to check for a pulse, “Hugs and kisses.” Strangely enough, Anthony doesn’t quibble but seems to simply turn around and return to his work.
“I want our house to be a Barbie Dream House,” JMomm tells us, and Snooki adds, “A Barbie Guidette Dream House.” Snooki decorates their hot pink trash can with a “G” made out of leopard print tape. “G for garbage,” she explains. Meanwhile, JMomm is taping huge swathes of fabric to curtain rods. “This is my way of sewing curtains.” Snooki interviews that “Next time, I’m getting a decor…. Rator? “You mean an interior designer?” JMomm asks, and Snooki giggles that yes, that is in fact what she means.
Anthony the Handyman looks around the house and says, “You’re gonna have a little zoo in here when you’re done.” “Basically,” JMomm replies, while Snooki covers door panels with more leopard tape. In an interview JMomm points out that PETA can’t get mad at their house. “It’s just cloth, it’s not, like, a real zebra,” Snooki adds. Forget PETA, your final result is going to be offensive to anybody over the age of 6, assuming they have a modicum of good taste.
Seriously, who would do this to a door?!
JMomm asks Anthony the Handyman to tell them a story, and Snooki specifies that they want to hear “a sex story that went wrong.” Luckily for the girls, Anthony the Handyman has a “crazy story, actually.” JMomm tells us that she and Snooki like to embarrass people and watch them blush, but the weird thing about Anthony is… “He loved it!” Snooki chimes in.
“This girl… this girl, you know we were fucking, and, uh, all of a sudden…” I really am trying to understand this story but they’re bleeping lots of stuff out and Anthony the Handyman is facing the wall because he’s working while he talks, so I’m completely lost. Apparently a friend of Anthony the Handyman’s was there, and the girl did something that makes JMomm make this face: