Snooki & JWoww Recap: Coming Home

Snooki & JWoww

By SuburBint | Monday, July 16, 2012 | 3:43 pm | 16 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Recaps, Snooki & JWoww

“And that’s when it started getting weird,” JMomm tells us, and we go back to Anthony the Handyman’s story, and again it’s so heavily censored and Anthony the Handyman isn’t shown enough, so all I can really report with any accuracy is the end of the story. “This way I don’t have to smell it, you know what I mean?” I think this is the first time that I’ve been grateful for MTV’s bleeping habits, because I really, really, really don’t want to know the finer details of that little anecdote.

When a girl who pees outdoors, openly admits to frequent UTIs acquired to to lack of proper hygiene and “ass sex,” thinks a “shore shower” is just as good as bathing with actual soap and water, and otherwise publicly behaves like the world’s nastiest, drunkest, skank-beast walks away because your story is too gross for her, it’s time to sit down and seriously reevaluate your life choices.

 Now that Anthony the Handyman’s story is over, Snooki and JMomm are having a tête-à-tête, and Snooki tells JMomm to yell at Anthony the Handyman and tell him to “fucking hurry up.” I love that their little attempt to embarrass him backfired so magnificently, but I’m doubtful that they’ll learn anything from it. Anthony the Handyman asks them if they have any crazy stories from their “clubbing days,” and is met with an “Okay, we’re done,” from JMomm. Anthony the Handyman chuckles that he probably made them sick with his story “and now you’re like, ‘Get this guy out of here, he’s a fucking nutcase.”  JMomm weakly protests that they’re fine, but her face tells a different story.

“So what’s the deal with money? Serious.” Anthony the Handyman asks. JMomm tells him he’ll get paid Friday morning. OMG, this is not how adult life works, at all. “I got kids!” Anthony the Handyman protests, and says that he needs his money and “doesn’t want to come over here looking for you guys.” S&J jointly interview that they think he wants to take them away to his dungeon, but I think the guy just wants to get paid. Which I’m sure he will be, handsomely, when he walks out the door and a producer hands him a check. “Hope you have a good time at your party,” Anthony the Handyman tells the girls as he heads down the stairs.

“I’m really scared right now,” Snooki says, and JMomm replies, “Me too!” “I’ll be by to collect!” Anthony the Handyman calls over his shoulder, and then walks out the door and presumably out of their lives, unless they decide to turn this whole thing into a “Snooki and JMomm have a scary stalker” thing. Which is stupid, we all know they’re surrounded by cameramen and producers and bodyguards 24/7.

“Ew, he got so creepy,” JMomm complains. Well, if you’re going to ask someone to tell you a story about a sexual encounter gone wrong, you’ve got to just roll with whatever happens next. Speaking of which, I have an awesome story (not from my own personal life, thankyouverymuch!) involving a retired couple, a cape, a ceiling fan, and a pair of handcuffs that has been confirmed by both a friend of the couple and one of the paramedics who was called to the scene, if anybody’s interested.

Snooki is sleepy and wants to go to bed, but first she looks around and admires their finished project.

They agree that if the house doesn’t get completely finished tomorrow, it will be pretty damn close. “Rome wasn’t built in a day,” Snooki tells us, then turns to JMomm and confesses with a proud grin, “I always wanted to say that.” Oh, honey. JMomm says that the drapes aren’t exactly what she was hoping for, and Snooki chimes in that “Beggars can’t be choosers. I always wanted to say that one too.” I have to wonder if she was given a “Platitude of the Day” calendar for Christmas and will be inserting trite little sayings into all of her conversations in the belief that it makes her sound more sophisticated.

The next morning, JMomm gets up and goes to wake Snooki. “Boo, it’s 11 o’clock.” Snooki protests that she’s soooo tired, but JMomm reminds her that the picture guy is coming today and they need to figure out what they’re wearing.  “Me and Nicole want big paintings to cover up the ugly walls,” JMomm explains. I’m not sure which walls haven’t been completely covered with pink and/or animal print fabric, but whatever.

Nick the Picture Guy arrives at the house and JMomm invites him in. “I found his number at a department store,” JMomm tells us. It was written on the wall of a dressing room, “For a good portrait call Nick.” (I’m speculating here.) Snooki thinks he looks like an artist.

This is what artists look like in the Snookiverse.

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About

After giving birth to her fourth child, SuburBint carefully weighed the options and decided that recapping reality TV was probably a better choice in the long run than alcoholism. Liver function tests have yet to confirm the wisdom of this decision. Being an honest-to-goodness recapper is also a dream come true, as she has aspired to do this ever since discovering that such a thing existed way back in 2002.

Her favorite shows of all time include Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Coupling, Breaking Bad, Sons of Anarchy, Firefly, Community, Parks and Recreation, Doctor Who, and Veronica Mars. She can also quote The Big Lebowski in its entirety, and will do so with little to no provocation.

 

16 Comments

  1. 1
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted July 17, 2012 at 5:51 am

    SuperiorB, oh did you miss two episodes? I thought you were giving us an early Christmas present.

    Or had finally decided that enough was, after all, enough.

    Okay. Hate the show, but love your ‘caps, so here we go….

  2. 2
    SuburBint
    Posted July 17, 2012 at 10:44 am

    @ SSC — Sadly no, the show apparently must go on, and I must continue recapping it. I wouldn’t say that I like it, but it is interesting to see these two out of the Jersey Shore context. And watching this makes me VERY excited for the next season of Jersey Shore — I have a feeling it is going to be an absolute dramapalooza, especially after the way the roomies reacted to Snooki’s big news. Can’t wait!

  3. 3
    mjhhawk
    Posted July 17, 2012 at 11:38 am

    Some of us are still waiting for that sex story you promised with the chandeliers and clowns or something……

  4. 4
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted July 17, 2012 at 11:42 am

    Since I wasn’t watching to see the reactions, were they at all like, you know, normal human reactions, or were they director-ordered “okay, in this next scene act RILLY surprised”? I cannot believe they hadn’t heard the news about the pregnancy; on the other hand, I cannot believe they can act.

    One Gasmi said that a picture of J-Momm looked like a surprised cat, and that is all I see anymore.

  5. 5
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted July 17, 2012 at 12:11 pm

    @mj, are you sure you want to hear a sex story featuring the elderly?

    Be careful what you ask for.

  6. 6
    SuburBint
    Posted July 17, 2012 at 1:10 pm

    @ SSC — I think the reactions were genuine, ranging from absolutely shocked (Vinny), to excited and happy (Deena), to I-really-couldn’t-care-less (Ronnie), to polite and reserved (Sammi). I think JMomm knew before Snooki “officially” told her on camera, but I don’t think that the others knew, because they aren’t that good of actors and all of their reactions were so very true to their personalities.

    And yes, JMomm does have rather feline facial features. I’m fairly certain that I will have nightmares about her morphing into a cat tonight.

  7. 7
    SuburBint
    Posted July 17, 2012 at 1:43 pm

    @ mjhhawk — You asked for the sex story, and the sex story you shall have.

    I first heard about this from a former coworker who was friends with the couple involved, and then about two years later I heard the exact same story from a new friend who was a paramedic and witnessed the scene in all its sordid glory. The conversation is entirely from my own imagination, but all of the other details are, according to my two sources, absolutely true.

    So this couple in their 60s, newly retired, found that after 30+ years of marriage some of the magic was missing in their relationship. Pretty much all of the magic. But being deeply committed to one another, they decided to look for ways to spice things up and recapture the chemistry that they had when they were young and newly in love.

    Eventually, they decided that role-play in the bedroom just might be the best way to make their sex life more exciting, and jumped in with both feet, purchasing costumes, props, toys, etc. They weren’t the kind of people to half-ass anything.

    Lo and behold, role-play was very exciting for both of them, and they enjoyed coming up with new scenarios and story lines. One day they decided that a superhero coming to the rescue of the poor innocent little victim of some über-villain would be a fun game, so the missus put on some extremely revealing lingerie and her husband handcuffed her hands to the bedposts. He was wearing a cape, a Zorro-type mask, and nothing else.

    “Help me!” the wife cried. “Oh, isn’t there a bold hero who will rescue me from the evil machinations of the bad, bad man who has taken me hostage?!” “Never fear, little lady!” her husband replied, “I shall save you!” He had climbed up onto the top of their dresser so that he could “fly” to her rescue and then get down to business. However, as he proceeded to leap from the dresser, rather than following an outward and downward trajectory, he leaped outward and up, completely forgetting about the ceiling fan which hung over their bed. His balding head connected with the fan, and he hit the floor, unconscious. (Yes, I know this sounds a lot like Gerald’s Game.)

    The wife was understandably freaked out, not knowing how badly he was injured or if he was even dead, and being handcuffed to the bed, she was pretty much fucked, albeit not in the way she had been hoping for. Luckily for her, they lived in one of those subdivisions where you have about 2 feet between the houses, so she started screaming for help. A neighbor heard her and called 911.

    The police, fire department, and an ambulance arrived at the house a few minutes later, and after hearing the (now weakening) cries for help from the bedroom, the police broke down the front door. They took the scantily clad couple to the hospital and tended to the husband’s injury, which wasn’t too serious in the end. And the couple had a good sense of humor about the situation, good enough to tell the story to their friends, partly for the sake of amusement but also as a cautionary tale.

    The End.

  8. 8
    SuburBint
    Posted July 18, 2012 at 6:10 pm

    Shameless plea for comments. Make my job worthwhile here, people! This show is like a mini-dementor, slowly sucking the soul from my body. It doesn’t have to be on topic. You could even just tell me what you ate for lunch. Just comment, dammit!

  9. 9
    WishICouldDance
    Posted July 18, 2012 at 6:35 pm

    Ok! I can do this!!

    Now, I love your recaps and never miss them! The show? Have never, will never watch it. Sorry, it makes me feel like my IQ is actively dropping whenever I see any of these people on my TV and, trust me, I can no longer afford to loose points! Hey! I went to college in the 80′s – I had fun!

    I think you are providing a tremendous public service!! You spare me the agony and possible brain damage by watching this and recapping for me. Thank you!

  10. 10
    BedHeadJen
    Posted July 18, 2012 at 6:36 pm

    The show sucks, but if you only read the recaps, J-Meow and Tales From the Horny Geriatric Side make this the best show ever! I imagine grandma rolled her boobs up into a naughty nurse uniform to help him recover.

  11. 11
    SuburBint
    Posted July 18, 2012 at 7:18 pm

    @ WishICouldDance — Yay! I don’t remember seeing you comment before (at least not on any of the shows I frequent) so thanks for chiming in over here! I’m not entirely sure that I have the IQ points to lose either, but I’m willing to do my part for the sake of humanity.

    @ BedHeadJen — Ew, now there’s a mental image that I was not expecting! You’re probably right. It’s nice that they were so willing to experiment, I guess. It’s good to try new things and stay active as one ages, they say.

  12. 12
    WishICouldDance
    Posted July 18, 2012 at 7:41 pm

    Yay! Back at ya!!

    I tend to keep quiet over here cause you cover all the snarky comments I could possibly come up with in regards to… I was going to call them “Dumb & Dumber” but that’s an insult to Harry & Lloyd.

    Having said that… I really don’t want you to go anywhere so I shall do my best to contribute! You are my little secret weapon when it comes to shocking my 19-year old daughter. She is baffled by my vast knowledge and insights!! I owe it all to you so… Keep it up!!

  13. 13
    SuburBint
    Posted July 18, 2012 at 7:49 pm

    @ WishICouldDance — Knowing that I am the secret weapon in your arsenal towards baffling your daughter when it comes to trashier side of pop culture has completely made my day! Happy to do my part towards causing the next generation to feel slightly uneasy about actually knowing everything after all! (I have a 14 year-old daughter myself.)

    Please do participate more! We don’t bite, at least not very often, and we’ve all had our shots.

  14. 14
    KimDragon
    Posted July 20, 2012 at 1:37 am

    Anyone else really curious what that handyman story could possibly have been about that would require that much censorship?!!! The rumors about Deena and her bedroom proclivities, and Deena’s sister and her superpowers that Mike and co. discussed on Jersey Shore didn’t have nearly as much effort put into censoring them and they were pretty explicit!!! They bleeped but didn’t black bar out mouths… I am curious! I know I don’t want to know but… I do! Haha, otherwise the show is pretty lame, love the recaps tho

  15. 15
    Anthony the handyman
    Posted July 29, 2012 at 8:36 am

    Everybody wants to know my sex story ha. I got an idea, y don’t the ppl that want to know the real story hit me up. I will tell you if u want. Another thing the girls asked for it n I was holding back a lil. The tea time interview doesn’t even come close to being the true story.

  16. 16
    Anthony the handyman
    Posted July 29, 2012 at 8:38 am

    I also have another story that involves snooki n jwoww. It’s probably worse than my personal story that I shared.

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