“And that’s when it started getting weird,” JMomm tells us, and we go back to Anthony the Handyman’s story, and again it’s so heavily censored and Anthony the Handyman isn’t shown enough, so all I can really report with any accuracy is the end of the story. “This way I don’t have to smell it, you know what I mean?” I think this is the first time that I’ve been grateful for MTV’s bleeping habits, because I really, really, really don’t want to know the finer details of that little anecdote.
When a girl who pees outdoors, openly admits to frequent UTIs acquired to to lack of proper hygiene and “ass sex,” thinks a “shore shower” is just as good as bathing with actual soap and water, and otherwise publicly behaves like the world’s nastiest, drunkest, skank-beast walks away because your story is too gross for her, it’s time to sit down and seriously reevaluate your life choices.
Now that Anthony the Handyman’s story is over, Snooki and JMomm are having a tête-à-tête, and Snooki tells JMomm to yell at Anthony the Handyman and tell him to “fucking hurry up.” I love that their little attempt to embarrass him backfired so magnificently, but I’m doubtful that they’ll learn anything from it. Anthony the Handyman asks them if they have any crazy stories from their “clubbing days,” and is met with an “Okay, we’re done,” from JMomm. Anthony the Handyman chuckles that he probably made them sick with his story “and now you’re like, ‘Get this guy out of here, he’s a fucking nutcase.” JMomm weakly protests that they’re fine, but her face tells a different story.
“So what’s the deal with money? Serious.” Anthony the Handyman asks. JMomm tells him he’ll get paid Friday morning. OMG, this is not how adult life works, at all. “I got kids!” Anthony the Handyman protests, and says that he needs his money and “doesn’t want to come over here looking for you guys.” S&J jointly interview that they think he wants to take them away to his dungeon, but I think the guy just wants to get paid. Which I’m sure he will be, handsomely, when he walks out the door and a producer hands him a check. “Hope you have a good time at your party,” Anthony the Handyman tells the girls as he heads down the stairs.
“I’m really scared right now,” Snooki says, and JMomm replies, “Me too!” “I’ll be by to collect!” Anthony the Handyman calls over his shoulder, and then walks out the door and presumably out of their lives, unless they decide to turn this whole thing into a “Snooki and JMomm have a scary stalker” thing. Which is stupid, we all know they’re surrounded by cameramen and producers and bodyguards 24/7.
“Ew, he got so creepy,” JMomm complains. Well, if you’re going to ask someone to tell you a story about a sexual encounter gone wrong, you’ve got to just roll with whatever happens next. Speaking of which, I have an awesome story (not from my own personal life, thankyouverymuch!) involving a retired couple, a cape, a ceiling fan, and a pair of handcuffs that has been confirmed by both a friend of the couple and one of the paramedics who was called to the scene, if anybody’s interested.
Snooki is sleepy and wants to go to bed, but first she looks around and admires their finished project.
They agree that if the house doesn’t get completely finished tomorrow, it will be pretty damn close. “Rome wasn’t built in a day,” Snooki tells us, then turns to JMomm and confesses with a proud grin, “I always wanted to say that.” Oh, honey. JMomm says that the drapes aren’t exactly what she was hoping for, and Snooki chimes in that “Beggars can’t be choosers. I always wanted to say that one too.” I have to wonder if she was given a “Platitude of the Day” calendar for Christmas and will be inserting trite little sayings into all of her conversations in the belief that it makes her sound more sophisticated.
The next morning, JMomm gets up and goes to wake Snooki. “Boo, it’s 11 o’clock.” Snooki protests that she’s soooo tired, but JMomm reminds her that the picture guy is coming today and they need to figure out what they’re wearing. “Me and Nicole want big paintings to cover up the ugly walls,” JMomm explains. I’m not sure which walls haven’t been completely covered with pink and/or animal print fabric, but whatever.
Nick the Picture Guy arrives at the house and JMomm invites him in. “I found his number at a department store,” JMomm tells us. It was written on the wall of a dressing room, “For a good portrait call Nick.” (I’m speculating here.) Snooki thinks he looks like an artist.
This is what artists look like in the Snookiverse.