The drapes are now draped properly, the house is clean, dinner is cooking, and the girls are ready for their guests. Brian the Handyman tells the girls that he’ll get out of their hair, and JMomm tells him “You’re a lifesaver! Love you!” “Love you back!” he says as he walks down the stairs.
Pauly D and his hair are the first to arrive at the house. The girls quibble over who’s going to answer the door. “I’m cooking my green beans!” Snooki protests, but JMomm tells her “Fuck your green beans, go answer the door!” I am actually impressed by the range of skills Snooki is showing in this episode. Maybe the whole completely helpless, hopeless idiot thing really is just an act. Maybe.
“Why do you boss me around?” Snooki asks. “You always boss me around!” Because she’s JMomm, Snooki. I know you were probably too drunk to witness the transformation from JWoww to JMomm, but the recaps can catch you up. Snooki goes to answer the door, griping the whole time about JMomm’s nagging ways, and then stoops down to look through the mail flap to see who’s there. Because she’s too short to look through the peep hole.
She fails to recognize the knees in front of her, but when Pauly says, “Snooki?” she exclaims, “Pauly!!!” and lets him in. “I’m so happy to see Pauly, because Pauly always has a smile on his face,” she interviews. As Pauly reaches the top of the stairs he says, “Yo, I called the animal print.” The girls tell him that it’s not done, which is a terrifying thought; hopefully the only things that they intend to still add are their portraits.
“The style of this house is, like, an Art Deco… no,” he laughs. “It’s just Snooki and Jenni. It’s just animal print after animal print. I don’t think there’s anymore animal print left in Jersey right now, it’s all in this house.” He could very well be right.
I hope there’s an entire episode based around the girls not being able to find the phone.
Pauly marvels at Snooki actually cooking food, and she says “I had to learn sometime.” Yes, yes you did. And with any luck, your dinner guests will only have a mild case of food poisoning that passes quickly. A van pulls up in front of the house, and two burly young men go to the door and ring the doorbell. Snooki goes down to answer the door again, and they explain through the mail flap that they are there to deliver the furniture. The girls put Pauly to work unwrapping and putting together their new furniture. “This isn’t what I expected,” he interviews.
One of the items that arrived is a storage bench in a zebra print. “That’s your coffin when you die, God forbid!” Pauly exclaims, and makes the sign of the cross because that’s what good Catholic boys do after talking about somebody dying. I learned that from the Sopranos. Snooki climbs inside to see if she fits, and she does, because she is roughly the same size as a fifth-grader. “When I die, I want to die in a zebra coffin,” Snooki tells us, as JMomm snickers beside her. “Why are you laughing?” JMomm tells her to just keep the ottoman, but Snooki thinks that the bugs will get in and eat her. She wants a zebra print coffin that seals tightly and keeps the vermin out. And then in a few thousand years, an archeologist will find it and formulate an idea of what life was like during our time that does absolutely no credit to the human race. Thanks a lot, Snooki. Maybe you should look into cremation, it’s far more hygienic.
Sammi and Deena arrive together, and when they get upstairs everyone exclaims their hellos and exchanges air-kisses. Deena brought a housewarming gift — boxed wine. Snooki is very sneakily drinking cranberry juice out of a wine glass so that everyone will think that she’s drinking wine. It’s sad that her identity is so deeply based in drinking. Deena sees Snooki’s glass on the counter and asks who it belongs to and what kind of wine is in it. “New!” is the best cover story that the girls can come up with. “It didn’t look like wine,” Snooki says. “It looked like cranberry juice. In a wine glass.” JMomm nods.
“We have really good desserts for tonight,” JMomm tells their guests. She asks who they’re still waiting on, and it’s Ronnie and Vinny. Vinny is the next to arrive, and he tells us that he’s excited to see his roommates in a different scenario. “The first time we all get together and just make fun of each other is always the best time.” Pauly drags Vinny by the hand into Snooki’s bedroom, asking, “Snooks, can we use your bed real quick?” The homoerotic-but-not-really-we’re-just-bros act with these two is getting kind of old.
Back in the kitchen, Pauly comments that they’re just waiting on Ronnie now, and then asks where Mike is. “Mike couldn’t make it,” the girls say. Ronnie finally shows up, and Snooki interviews that it’s always awkward to be around Sammi and Ronnie if they’re not together. “I look at Ron and Sam as like a mood ring,” JMomm says. “I love mood rings!” Snooki exclaims. “Yeah, but you don’t want that shit to turn black,” JMomm points out. Every mood ring I ever had got stuck on one color and then turned my finger green, which I think is a pretty fitting metaphor for the Sammi/Ronnie relationship.
“Did you skin a cow for those curtains, or…?” Ronnie asks. Seriously, their house needs a warning sign on the front door that the decor may cause nausea, migraine, or seizures. “Do you like our place?” Snooki asks, and Pauly diplomatically answers, “It’s very Snooki and Jenni.” “It’s creepy,” Ronnie says, “but it’s cute.” Vinny says, “It’s very… chic, should I say?” Only one of those answers is correct. Well, one and a half, if animal prints creep you out. The place was so beautiful when they first went to look at it, and they have succeeded in hiding or disfiguring every gorgeous feature that the empty apartment had before they moved in.
The roommates sit down to dinner and Pauly expresses his amazement that they are at Snooki and JMomm’s house for dinner. Vinny tells us, “Nicole is cooking, cleaning… this is like, shit that I’ve never seen from Nicole. Fucking Hell is freezing over right now.” Right there with you, buddy. The roommates exclaim over the seeming edibility of the food, and then start catching up. Pauly and Vinny are in an “open relationship,” Deena is doing well with her boyfriend Chris, and Vinny says that he has a girlfriend. No one believes him, which is just as well, because he was only kidding. Why is it so implausible for Vinny to have a girlfriend? I feel like there’s information here that I’m missing.
After JMomm thanks the roommates for coming and telling them that it means a lot to them, Snooki turn the conversation to her news. “Um, the real reason I invited you guys here… is because me and Jionni are engaged.”
This announcement meets with mixed reactions.