Snooki & JWoww Recap: Coming Home

Snooki & JWoww

By SuburBint | Monday, July 16, 2012 | 3:43 pm | 16 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Recaps, Snooki & JWoww

The drapes are now draped properly, the house is clean, dinner is cooking, and the girls are ready for their guests. Brian the Handyman tells the girls that he’ll get out of their hair, and JMomm tells him “You’re a lifesaver! Love you!” “Love you back!” he says as he walks down the stairs.

Pauly D and his hair are the first to arrive at the house. The girls quibble over who’s going to answer the door. “I’m cooking my green beans!” Snooki protests, but JMomm tells her “Fuck your green beans, go answer the door!” I am actually impressed by the range of skills Snooki is showing in this episode. Maybe the whole completely helpless, hopeless idiot thing really is just an act. Maybe.

“Why do you boss me around?” Snooki asks. “You always boss me around!” Because she’s JMomm, Snooki. I know you were probably too drunk to witness the transformation from JWoww to JMomm, but the recaps can catch you up. Snooki goes to answer the door, griping the whole time about JMomm’s nagging ways, and then stoops down to look through the mail flap to see who’s there. Because she’s too short to look through the peep hole.

She fails to recognize the knees in front of her, but when Pauly says, “Snooki?” she exclaims, “Pauly!!!” and lets him in. “I’m so happy to see Pauly, because Pauly always has a smile on his face,” she interviews. As Pauly reaches the top of the stairs he says, “Yo, I called the animal print.” The girls tell him that it’s not done, which is a terrifying thought; hopefully the only things that they intend to still add are their portraits.

“The style of this house is, like, an Art Deco… no,” he laughs. “It’s just Snooki and Jenni. It’s just animal print after animal print. I don’t think there’s anymore animal print left in Jersey right now, it’s all in this house.” He could very well be right.

I hope there’s an entire episode based around the girls not being able to find the phone.

Pauly marvels at Snooki actually cooking food, and she says “I had to learn sometime.” Yes, yes you did. And with any luck, your dinner guests will only have a mild case of food poisoning that passes quickly. A van pulls up in front of the house, and two burly young men go to the door and ring the doorbell. Snooki goes down to answer the door again, and they explain through the mail flap that they are there to deliver the furniture. The girls put Pauly to work unwrapping and putting together their new furniture. “This isn’t what I expected,” he interviews.

One of the items that arrived is a storage bench in a zebra print. “That’s your coffin when you die, God forbid!” Pauly exclaims, and makes the sign of the cross because that’s what good Catholic boys do after talking about somebody dying. I learned that from the Sopranos. Snooki climbs inside to see if she fits, and she does, because she is roughly the same size as a fifth-grader. “When I die, I want to die in a zebra coffin,” Snooki tells us, as JMomm snickers beside her. “Why are you laughing?” JMomm tells her to just keep the ottoman, but Snooki thinks that the bugs will get in and eat her. She wants a zebra print coffin that seals tightly and keeps the vermin out. And then in a few thousand years, an archeologist will find it and formulate an idea of what life was like during our time that does absolutely no credit to the human race. Thanks a lot, Snooki. Maybe you should look into cremation, it’s far more hygienic.

R.I.P. Snooki

Sammi and Deena arrive together, and when they get upstairs everyone exclaims their hellos and exchanges air-kisses. Deena brought a housewarming gift — boxed wine. Snooki is very sneakily drinking cranberry juice out of a wine glass so that everyone will think that she’s drinking wine. It’s sad that her identity is so deeply based in drinking. Deena sees Snooki’s glass on the counter and asks who it belongs to and what kind of wine is in it. “New!” is the best cover story that the girls can come up with. “It didn’t look like wine,” Snooki says. “It looked like cranberry juice. In a wine glass.” JMomm nods.

“We have really good desserts for tonight,” JMomm tells their guests. She asks who they’re still waiting on, and it’s Ronnie and Vinny. Vinny is the next to arrive, and he tells us that he’s excited to see his roommates in a different scenario. “The first time we all get together and just make fun of each other is always the best time.” Pauly drags Vinny by the hand into Snooki’s bedroom, asking, “Snooks, can we use your bed real quick?” The homoerotic-but-not-really-we’re-just-bros act with these two is getting kind of old.

Back in the kitchen, Pauly comments that they’re just waiting on Ronnie now, and then asks where Mike is. “Mike couldn’t make it,” the girls say. Ronnie finally shows up, and Snooki interviews that it’s always awkward to be around Sammi and Ronnie if they’re not together. “I look at Ron and Sam as like a mood ring,” JMomm says. “I love mood rings!” Snooki exclaims. “Yeah, but you don’t want that shit to turn black,” JMomm points out. Every mood ring I ever had got stuck on one color and then turned my finger green, which I think is a pretty fitting metaphor for the Sammi/Ronnie relationship.

“Did you skin a cow for those curtains, or…?” Ronnie asks. Seriously, their house needs a warning sign on the front door that the decor may cause nausea, migraine, or seizures. “Do you like our place?” Snooki asks, and Pauly diplomatically answers, “It’s very Snooki and Jenni.” “It’s creepy,” Ronnie says, “but it’s cute.” Vinny says, “It’s very… chic, should I say?” Only one of those answers is correct. Well, one and a half, if animal prints creep you out. The place was so beautiful when they first went to look at it, and they have succeeded in hiding or disfiguring every gorgeous feature that the empty apartment had before they moved in.

Remember this?

The roommates sit down to dinner and Pauly expresses his amazement that they are at Snooki and JMomm’s house for dinner. Vinny tells us, “Nicole is cooking, cleaning… this is like, shit that I’ve never seen from Nicole. Fucking Hell is freezing over right now.” Right there with you, buddy. The roommates exclaim over the seeming edibility of the food, and then start catching up. Pauly and Vinny are in an “open relationship,” Deena is doing well with her boyfriend Chris, and Vinny says that he has a girlfriend. No one believes him, which is just as well, because he was only kidding. Why is it so implausible for Vinny to have a girlfriend? I feel like there’s information here that I’m missing.

After JMomm thanks the roommates for coming and telling them that it means a lot to them, Snooki turn the conversation to her news. “Um, the real reason I invited you guys here… is because me and Jionni are engaged.”

This announcement meets with mixed reactions.

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About

After giving birth to her fourth child, SuburBint carefully weighed the options and decided that recapping reality TV was probably a better choice in the long run than alcoholism. Liver function tests have yet to confirm the wisdom of this decision. Being an honest-to-goodness recapper is also a dream come true, as she has aspired to do this ever since discovering that such a thing existed way back in 2002.

Her favorite shows of all time include Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Coupling, Breaking Bad, Sons of Anarchy, Firefly, Community, Parks and Recreation, Doctor Who, and Veronica Mars. She can also quote The Big Lebowski in its entirety, and will do so with little to no provocation.

 

16 Comments

  1. 1
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted July 17, 2012 at 5:51 am

    SuperiorB, oh did you miss two episodes? I thought you were giving us an early Christmas present.

    Or had finally decided that enough was, after all, enough.

    Okay. Hate the show, but love your ‘caps, so here we go….

  2. 2
    SuburBint
    Posted July 17, 2012 at 10:44 am

    @ SSC — Sadly no, the show apparently must go on, and I must continue recapping it. I wouldn’t say that I like it, but it is interesting to see these two out of the Jersey Shore context. And watching this makes me VERY excited for the next season of Jersey Shore — I have a feeling it is going to be an absolute dramapalooza, especially after the way the roomies reacted to Snooki’s big news. Can’t wait!

  3. 3
    mjhhawk
    Posted July 17, 2012 at 11:38 am

    Some of us are still waiting for that sex story you promised with the chandeliers and clowns or something……

  4. 4
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted July 17, 2012 at 11:42 am

    Since I wasn’t watching to see the reactions, were they at all like, you know, normal human reactions, or were they director-ordered “okay, in this next scene act RILLY surprised”? I cannot believe they hadn’t heard the news about the pregnancy; on the other hand, I cannot believe they can act.

    One Gasmi said that a picture of J-Momm looked like a surprised cat, and that is all I see anymore.

  5. 5
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted July 17, 2012 at 12:11 pm

    @mj, are you sure you want to hear a sex story featuring the elderly?

    Be careful what you ask for.

  6. 6
    SuburBint
    Posted July 17, 2012 at 1:10 pm

    @ SSC — I think the reactions were genuine, ranging from absolutely shocked (Vinny), to excited and happy (Deena), to I-really-couldn’t-care-less (Ronnie), to polite and reserved (Sammi). I think JMomm knew before Snooki “officially” told her on camera, but I don’t think that the others knew, because they aren’t that good of actors and all of their reactions were so very true to their personalities.

    And yes, JMomm does have rather feline facial features. I’m fairly certain that I will have nightmares about her morphing into a cat tonight.

  7. 7
    SuburBint
    Posted July 17, 2012 at 1:43 pm

    @ mjhhawk — You asked for the sex story, and the sex story you shall have.

    I first heard about this from a former coworker who was friends with the couple involved, and then about two years later I heard the exact same story from a new friend who was a paramedic and witnessed the scene in all its sordid glory. The conversation is entirely from my own imagination, but all of the other details are, according to my two sources, absolutely true.

    So this couple in their 60s, newly retired, found that after 30+ years of marriage some of the magic was missing in their relationship. Pretty much all of the magic. But being deeply committed to one another, they decided to look for ways to spice things up and recapture the chemistry that they had when they were young and newly in love.

    Eventually, they decided that role-play in the bedroom just might be the best way to make their sex life more exciting, and jumped in with both feet, purchasing costumes, props, toys, etc. They weren’t the kind of people to half-ass anything.

    Lo and behold, role-play was very exciting for both of them, and they enjoyed coming up with new scenarios and story lines. One day they decided that a superhero coming to the rescue of the poor innocent little victim of some über-villain would be a fun game, so the missus put on some extremely revealing lingerie and her husband handcuffed her hands to the bedposts. He was wearing a cape, a Zorro-type mask, and nothing else.

    “Help me!” the wife cried. “Oh, isn’t there a bold hero who will rescue me from the evil machinations of the bad, bad man who has taken me hostage?!” “Never fear, little lady!” her husband replied, “I shall save you!” He had climbed up onto the top of their dresser so that he could “fly” to her rescue and then get down to business. However, as he proceeded to leap from the dresser, rather than following an outward and downward trajectory, he leaped outward and up, completely forgetting about the ceiling fan which hung over their bed. His balding head connected with the fan, and he hit the floor, unconscious. (Yes, I know this sounds a lot like Gerald’s Game.)

    The wife was understandably freaked out, not knowing how badly he was injured or if he was even dead, and being handcuffed to the bed, she was pretty much fucked, albeit not in the way she had been hoping for. Luckily for her, they lived in one of those subdivisions where you have about 2 feet between the houses, so she started screaming for help. A neighbor heard her and called 911.

    The police, fire department, and an ambulance arrived at the house a few minutes later, and after hearing the (now weakening) cries for help from the bedroom, the police broke down the front door. They took the scantily clad couple to the hospital and tended to the husband’s injury, which wasn’t too serious in the end. And the couple had a good sense of humor about the situation, good enough to tell the story to their friends, partly for the sake of amusement but also as a cautionary tale.

    The End.

  8. 8
    SuburBint
    Posted July 18, 2012 at 6:10 pm

    Shameless plea for comments. Make my job worthwhile here, people! This show is like a mini-dementor, slowly sucking the soul from my body. It doesn’t have to be on topic. You could even just tell me what you ate for lunch. Just comment, dammit!

  9. 9
    WishICouldDance
    Posted July 18, 2012 at 6:35 pm

    Ok! I can do this!!

    Now, I love your recaps and never miss them! The show? Have never, will never watch it. Sorry, it makes me feel like my IQ is actively dropping whenever I see any of these people on my TV and, trust me, I can no longer afford to loose points! Hey! I went to college in the 80′s – I had fun!

    I think you are providing a tremendous public service!! You spare me the agony and possible brain damage by watching this and recapping for me. Thank you!

  10. 10
    BedHeadJen
    Posted July 18, 2012 at 6:36 pm

    The show sucks, but if you only read the recaps, J-Meow and Tales From the Horny Geriatric Side make this the best show ever! I imagine grandma rolled her boobs up into a naughty nurse uniform to help him recover.

  11. 11
    SuburBint
    Posted July 18, 2012 at 7:18 pm

    @ WishICouldDance — Yay! I don’t remember seeing you comment before (at least not on any of the shows I frequent) so thanks for chiming in over here! I’m not entirely sure that I have the IQ points to lose either, but I’m willing to do my part for the sake of humanity.

    @ BedHeadJen — Ew, now there’s a mental image that I was not expecting! You’re probably right. It’s nice that they were so willing to experiment, I guess. It’s good to try new things and stay active as one ages, they say.

  12. 12
    WishICouldDance
    Posted July 18, 2012 at 7:41 pm

    Yay! Back at ya!!

    I tend to keep quiet over here cause you cover all the snarky comments I could possibly come up with in regards to… I was going to call them “Dumb & Dumber” but that’s an insult to Harry & Lloyd.

    Having said that… I really don’t want you to go anywhere so I shall do my best to contribute! You are my little secret weapon when it comes to shocking my 19-year old daughter. She is baffled by my vast knowledge and insights!! I owe it all to you so… Keep it up!!

  13. 13
    SuburBint
    Posted July 18, 2012 at 7:49 pm

    @ WishICouldDance — Knowing that I am the secret weapon in your arsenal towards baffling your daughter when it comes to trashier side of pop culture has completely made my day! Happy to do my part towards causing the next generation to feel slightly uneasy about actually knowing everything after all! (I have a 14 year-old daughter myself.)

    Please do participate more! We don’t bite, at least not very often, and we’ve all had our shots.

  14. 14
    KimDragon
    Posted July 20, 2012 at 1:37 am

    Anyone else really curious what that handyman story could possibly have been about that would require that much censorship?!!! The rumors about Deena and her bedroom proclivities, and Deena’s sister and her superpowers that Mike and co. discussed on Jersey Shore didn’t have nearly as much effort put into censoring them and they were pretty explicit!!! They bleeped but didn’t black bar out mouths… I am curious! I know I don’t want to know but… I do! Haha, otherwise the show is pretty lame, love the recaps tho

  15. 15
    Anthony the handyman
    Posted July 29, 2012 at 8:36 am

    Everybody wants to know my sex story ha. I got an idea, y don’t the ppl that want to know the real story hit me up. I will tell you if u want. Another thing the girls asked for it n I was holding back a lil. The tea time interview doesn’t even come close to being the true story.

  16. 16
    Anthony the handyman
    Posted July 29, 2012 at 8:38 am

    I also have another story that involves snooki n jwoww. It’s probably worse than my personal story that I shared.

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