Woo-hoo, ‘Gasmii! Here we go with the very first episode of Jersey Shore’s girliest spin-off. Before we get down to business, I would briefly like to address my minicap mixup: namely, I recapped the pre-episode, “Best Friends Forever” instead of the actual pilot episode, “Sorry Neighbors, Cause These Bitches Are Moving In.” In my defense, while it briefly crossed my mind that the content of the episode had nothing to do with a) the supposed episode title or b) what was advertised as being in the first episode, the fact that it made no sense whatsoever and I decided to roll with it anyway says loads about what MTV has trained me to expect in their programming. So while the error technically lies with me, I really don’t think it’s my fault, and I will stand by that opinion to the grave. MTV has lowered my expectations that much.
They sucked me in during the ’80s and now they pull this crap. I feel so betrayed!
Now on to the show. I stocked up on a gross of wooly suspenders, because the amount of disbelief required in order to buy that this shit is unscripted is unprecedented.
We open with a brief introductory sequence about how they’ve been best friends every since they met that first summer at the shore house (although the stink-eye JMomm gives Snooki when Snooki first enters the house belies that claim) and that it makes sense for them to live together, just the two of them, because that’s what best friends do. And then they become “my ex best friend who never paid her share of the cable bill on time and always ate my Chobani without asking, and then moved her loser boyfriend in and he did nothing but smoke pot on my couch in his underwear, so I kicked their sorry asses to the curb.” Or so I’ve heard. But this is the Snookerverse, so normal rules of human behavior don’t apply.
Theme song: “I don’t care, I love it,” repeated over and over. This is brainwashing.
JMomm is sprawled across the bed in her ginormous house. She interviews that she’s about to turn thirty in a couple years, “and that’s it…. So I have like a bucket list of things to get done.” Fuck. You. You. Stupid. Woman. So she and Snooki are going to move in together for one last hurrah before their hips start breaking and all of their teeth fall out (which might actually be a plus for them, all things considered. And now I have to go gargle Listerine with my brain.) JMomm is on the phone with a realtor and some “comedy” ensues in which JMomm tries to specify that she’s looking for a two-bedroom apartment, but the realtor only has a “one bedroom, or a two bedroom, or a three bedroom.” Because we all know that Snooki and JMomm had to track down their own living space, all on their own, and the events which naturally unfolded were captured on camera solely for the sake of posterity and honesty and all that jazz. It’s history, people. This is our generation’s legacy.
Back at Snooki’s house, Mama Snooki tries to wake our favorite little Meatball up, and is told to “Go Away!!!” Seriously? Snooki makes enough money in two months to pay off my entire mortgage, and she’s still living with her mother? Whatever, show.
In other news, it would appear that Godzilla ate the entire San Diego Zoo’s Safari Park and then threw up all over Snooki’s bed.
Snooki tells us that she “definitely doesn’t want to be one of those kids who’s like forty years old and still lives with their parents” and now that she’s twenty-four she’s almost at that point. Once you made your first million, you were about twenty times past that point, girlie. She wanders into the kitchen where her mom is cooking breakfast and “breaks” the “news” that she kind of wants to move out on her own. With JMomm.
Snooki continues that all of her friends have places of their own, and now that she’s twenty-four, no offense, but she really wants to be out on her own. With JMomm. At least she’ll still have someone to make her bed for her and fix her breakfast.
Mama Snooki asks where they’re going to find a place and who’s going to do all of the shopping and the laundry and make sure that Snooki takes her Valtrex regularly.
OMG being a grown-up sounds like so much work!
Snooki tells her mom to stop being such a buzz-kill because
of course MTV will hire people to take care of all that shopping is fun. Also, JMomm can take care of the food because she’s kosher. Mama Snooki points out that kosher means following the Jewish dietary laws, and Snooki realizes that kosher probably isn’t what she meant to say. “I think that kosher food is like, organic, healthy food,” Snooki explains to us. “Jewish people eat organic food too, so I feel like it’s all one and the same.” I’ll be right back, I think everything Snooki says will make a lot more sense once I’ve lobotomized myself with a corkscrew.
Mama Snooki wants to be sure that JMomm is on the same page as Snooki, and Snooki assures her mom that they’ll talk it over next time they see each other. “Jenni’s my best friend. She gets it,” Snooki confidently says.
As long as she also gets that my checks are still going to be bigger than hers, we’ll be fine.
In an interview, Snooki tells us that she’s nervous about telling JMomm her “secret” because she’s afraid that JMomm won’t want to live together anymore. Oh, please. But if that is the case, Snooki’s just going to tell her, “No, bitch, because I need this.” That’s a good friend right there. Snooki tells Mama Snooki thank you for understanding and not to cry. I’m pretty sure those are tears of joy at finally getting your insanely wealthy yet still freeloading ass out from under her roof for a few more months.
Back at Chez JMomm, JMomm comes home to find Paul Bunyan (aka her boyfriend Roger) in the kitchen. She interviews that she’s nervous that “he won’t take this whole move positive” but she hopes
he remembers who pays the bills he’s ready for it. PB tells JMomm that he wants to be supportive but honestly doesn’t know if it’s a great idea. He reminds her that Snooki is a handful and asks if she is ready for that. “Do you think this will help our relationship? Do you think this will help your and Nicole’s relationship?”
Dammit, Bunyan, quit talking to me like we’re both adults! I’m not thirty yet!
She tells him that they’re gonna do what they’ve gotta do, and he replies that for all he knows that could be gang-bangs. Pipe down there buddy, and leave the hyperbole to the experts. He asks if she’s just looking for one last hurrah, and she replies, “Not a gang-bang hurrah!” (Although now that he’s planted the idea….) She just doesn’t want to be that girl who, at forty-five, looks back and wishes that she had lived in The City with her girlfriend. As sardini mentioned in the minicap comments, when you live on the East coast, “The City” is New York City, not Jersey City which was the only place desperate enough to give these yahoos a filming permit. Paul Bunyan asks if this is really what she wants to do, and she says yes, because she doesn’t want any regrets in life. He points out that it’s going to be crazy because you couldn’t life in Antarctica with Snooki and have it not be crazy.
In an interview, JMomm gives us a rundown of the reasons why Paul Bunyan is skeptical. We can break this down into two categories, Snooki’s Dos and Don’ts. Don’ts: make the bed, do the laundry, clean up after herself, cook, clean again, bathe regularly, wash her hands after she pees. Dos: Get drunk as hell and make a complete and utter fool out of herself, urinate on the floors of both her personal residence and local hotspots whenever the mood hits her, get drunk some more.
Roger tells JMomm that he’s okay with it, and that while she’s having a good time, he’ll have a good time too. She warns that if he has too good of a time, his dick will be stuffed and mounted above the fireplace.
Also, is it just me, or does Paul Bunyan look different than he did on the last season of Jersey Shore? Did they recast JMomm’s boyfriend?
Papa Snooki comes home carrying a black plastic portable file box. Snooki interviews that every time he has that out, it’s not going to be a fun conversation. If it was my dad, it would have contained an itemized bill for my entire upbringing, whereas Papa Snooki is the kind of guy who drives his daughter to doctor’s appointments for recurrent UTIs acquired due to suspect sexual practices and then hangs around the house while she gets extensions put in because she forgot that he was coming to visit and scheduled a hair appointment for that day. The box is probably full of mementos from her childhood, like the empty foil from her first birth control prescription and a bronzed pair of infant stripper-heels.
“This isn’t going to be a summer house at the Jersey Shore,” Papa Snooki begins, “this is going to be your place to live.” “Thank you, Captain Obvious,” Snooki snots back, at which point I would have shelved whatever advice/help/support I was about to give her and told her to have a good life. Sadly, Papa Snooki proceeds without even blinking, telling her that she needs to learn about paying rent, and utilities, and insurance, and all those other things that most people I know have been at least partially responsible for since they were eighteen or so.
Snooki thinks that using candles instead of electrical lights would save them a lot of money in the long run. “I know a lot of Amish people do it, and they’re rich, I feel. They have their own friggin’ companies.” Snooki can get away with saying absolutely any ridiculous thing she wants as long as she qualifies it with “I feel,” because how can anyone argue with that? All she has to do is say, “I didn’t say it was that way, I just said that I felt it was that way.” Well played, Snooki. You may be ignorant, but I’ll never deny that you are one crafty mo-fo.
Papa Snooki doesn’t want Snooki to sign anything unless he looks at it first. He certainly delivers his lines well, I’m almost convinced that he really thinks that he has some sort of influence in this situation.
Snooki and JMomm are Skyping, and spend the first few seconds of their conversation checking their hair with the web cam. I wonder what would happen if Snooki were to find her way into a house of mirrors? Snooki interviews that it’s exciting that they’re both ready to make this commitment. JMomm tells Snooki that she talked to “real-i-tors” and that she gave them a generic rundown of what they want, basically a two-bedroom place that allows animals. “You’re bringing your dogs?!” Snooki squeals. Snooki interviews that she’s worried about poop and pee everywhere.
Exhibit A in the “Why you have no right to judge anybody’s degree of housebroken-ness” argument.
JMomm asks Snooki how she feels about meeting to look at places at nine the next morning, and while it’s clear from Snooki’s reaction that she is 86% certain that getting up that early will cause irrevocable harm, Snooki finally says that she guesses it will be fine as long as JMomm brings her a bagel.
In the morning, Snooki drives around in this black super-short-bed truck with crazy hot-pink trim, going the wrong way on one-way streets, and generally reaffirming every suspicion you and I have ever had about whether or not she should be allowed to drive. Meanwhile, JMomm (and Snooki’s bagel) are waiting for both Snooki and the realtor outside the apartment building. She tries to call Snooki, but Snooki won’t pick up, griping at her ringing phone that she’s almost there. Poor JMomm shivers on the front stoop, with a full bladder, and calls the realtor, who also doesn’t pick up. She wants to punch both Snooki and the real-i-tor in the face.
Just as JMomm is saying “I don’t like anybody anymore,” Snooki turns down the street in what JMomm calls her “ridiculous ghetto truck.”
It’s not trashy if it costs more than $50,000.
JMomm is impressed that Snooki showed up before the real-i-tor, and asks if she can wait inside the car because she is fucking freezing. Snooki gets a bit worried upon learning that she has to parallel park — she’s never really done that before. “I have no idea what the fuck I’m doing,” she tell us, not realizing that we already know that statement applies to everything except consuming alcohol and giving blowjobs. JMomm stands outside the car and adjusts the steering wheel through the open window, instructing Snooki when to reverse and when to go forward. “I’m second-guessing my truck decision now,” Snooki says. “If I’d knew I was moving to the city before, I would never got the truck,” she ungrammatically reveals. The good news is, I’m sure you can unload it to some foreign fan-boy for more than the sticker price, especially if you pee in it first.
Ooh, good idea!
JMomm’s bladder is about to burst, so she prepares to head off in search of a bathroom. Snooki encourages her to just pee under the stairwell, but JMomm ripostes, “Can I change a tampon down there?” Considering who she’s asking, I would expect the answer to be yes, but Snooki just laughs and asks JMomm if she can’t wait another five minutes. Fortunately, Realtor Victor appears just at that moment, and is greeted with a welcoming, “What the fuck?” from JMomm. That’s exactly how I always greeted our realtor during our recent house purchasing process, but I’m sure it didn’t affect the closing costs at all. Victor lets the girls in to the building and JMomm frantically locates the bathroom, but not before first casting judgment on Victor’s ensemble. “What vintage shop from the ’80s did you pick that [blazer] up at?” she snarks.
As Victor shows Snooki around the apartment, JMomm yells from the bathroom that there’s no toilet paper. Oddly enough, Victor is not carrying any toilet paper on his person, so JMomm clambers up the stairs to see if there’s any in the upstairs bathroom. “She has her period,” Snooki explains to a bemused Victor.
They sure as hell didn’t cover this on anything I studied when I was prepping to get my license.
JMomm suddenly remembers that there are napkins in with Snooki’s bagel, leading Snooki to ask JMomm, “Can you not wipe your vagina with my bagel.” So classy, you guys. So very classy. In a joint interview, Snooki wonders what would have happened if the water hadn’t been turned on and the toilet hadn’t flushed. When JMomm points out that in that case, her tampon would still be hanging out there, Snooki’s “That’s so disgusting,” is met with an, “You’ve done worse.”
They quiz Victor about the neighborhood, and he tells them that this is the current hot area for young couples and families. JMomm doesn’t want to be in a neighborhood with a lot of families, she wants to be with the cool single folks, so she asks Victor where he lives. He lives in the Greenville section, so JMomm says, “Then we’ll go to the Greenville section.”
Poor Victor enlists the aid of another realtor, Elena, and the two of them take the girls to look at some other properties. One isn’t acceptable because the only parking available is parallel parking in the front of the building. Also, there’s an abandoned toilet sitting in the lot outside one of the bedroom windows. Next! Property #3 has a big ol’ roach in the bathroom. Property #4 is “railroad style,” which means that the only access to one bedroom is through the other bedroom. It was also built in the early 1900′s, which information meets with a “Fuck that!” from Snooki. After all, there could have been murders there that they don’t know about. Bored with the process of looking for a place to live (probably because they know this is an exercise in futility since the production company has already lined them up with a fantastic apartment) JMomm asks Elena and Victor if they fuck. Each other. And when they say no, she is skeptical. “They’re two good looking people, and they’re in the same business,” Snooki expands. “Sometimes people mix business with pleasure.” And sometimes people aren’t compelled into coitus simply by virtue of being in the same room as an attractive individual of the opposite sex.
Snooki seems to have mastered the art of parallel parking, but as she parks in front of the next property, she notices an elderly gentleman sans shirt looking out of one of the windows opposite. “Ew! He looks like a pedophile!” she shrieks. The man puts a T-shirt on as JMomm yells out the car window, “WHY ARE YOU SO CREEPY?!” They push the front door of the property open, both scream loudly, and hightail it back to their vehicle. In an interview, Snooki tells us that house-hunting is stressful and they don’t know if they’re going to find anything perfect. Welcome to reality.
Never mind about that whole reality thing. They have arrived in front of a brick building with a huge red garage door, reminiscent of an old firehouse. Snooki complains about the stairs leading from the front door into the living area, but then:
I want to go to there.
It’s open, it’s furnished, it accepts pets — seemingly tailor-made. What a happy coincidence! Victor and Elena give them some time alone to discuss it and “make a decision.” They agree that this place is “five-star” and they both love it. JMomm is ready to go for it, but Snooki has to tell her something first.
“This will sell better if you pretend that you haven’t seen any tabloids or been in contract negotiations over the past three months, ‘k?”
“This is my super-secret-curious-and-worried face. I’ve been practicing it in the mirror at home, but ever since my last round of restylane injections, my facial muscles no longer respond to simple neural commands.”
“I wouldn’t worry about it too much — there’s a reason my name is first in the show title.”
Snooki tells JMomm that Jionni proposed and they’re engaged, but she didn’t want to tell her because she was afraid that JMomm wouldn’t want to move in together after all. Snooki digs her ring out of her purse and it is truly bling-tastic. JMomm interviews that she is surprised because she thought she would be engaged before anyone else. She tells Snooki the ring isn’t real and then congratulates her, but she wonders what Jionni thinks about them moving in together. “Obviously we’re not going to get married for a couple of years,” Snooki assures her. Being the super-supportive awesome BFF that she is, JMomm presses to find out if Snooki is sure she reaaaalllly wants to be engaged, leading to Snooki’s confession that, “He pretty much axed me… because I’m pregnant.”
Oddly enough, that was my exact facial expression when I first found out about Snooki’s baby, too. But I was wearing smaller earrings.
“Instead of life throwing me a curve ball, it threw me a sperm ball,” Snooki interviews. “Obviously.” She and JMomm exchange weighty glances for a while, until Snooki exclaims, “Let’s go sign that lease!” And… fade to black. Will they move in together? Is their friendship over? This show is completely genuine and unscripted, I feel.
Until next week….
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