Snooki & JWoww Recap: Playing At Being Grown-Ups

Snooki & JWoww

By SuburBint | Sunday, June 24, 2012 | 12:35 am | 16 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Recaps, Snooki & JWoww

Woo-hoo, ‘Gasmii! Here we go with the very first episode of Jersey Shore’s girliest spin-off. Before we get down to business, I would briefly like to address my minicap mixup: namely, I recapped the pre-episode, “Best Friends Forever” instead of the actual pilot episode, “Sorry Neighbors, Cause These Bitches Are Moving In.” In my defense, while it briefly crossed my mind that the content of the episode had nothing to do with a) the supposed episode title or b) what was advertised as being in the first episode, the fact that it made no sense whatsoever and I decided to roll with it anyway says loads about what MTV has trained me to expect in their programming. So while the error technically lies with me, I really don’t think it’s my fault, and I will stand by that opinion to the grave. MTV has lowered my expectations that much.

They sucked me in during the ’80s and now they pull this crap. I feel so betrayed!

Now on to the show. I stocked up on a gross of wooly suspenders, because the amount of disbelief required in order to buy that this shit is unscripted is unprecedented.

We open with a brief introductory sequence about how they’ve been best friends every since they met that first summer at the shore house (although the stink-eye JMomm gives Snooki when Snooki first enters the house belies that claim) and that it makes sense for them to live together, just the two of them, because that’s what best friends do. And then they become “my ex best friend who never paid her share of the cable bill on time and always ate my Chobani without asking, and then moved her loser boyfriend in and he did nothing but smoke pot on my couch in his underwear, so I kicked their sorry asses to the curb.” Or so I’ve heard. But this is the Snookerverse, so normal rules of human behavior don’t apply.

Theme song: “I don’t care, I love it,” repeated over and over. This is brainwashing.

JMomm is sprawled across the bed in her ginormous house. She interviews that she’s about to turn thirty in a couple years, “and that’s it…. So I have like a bucket list of things to get done.” Fuck. You. You. Stupid. Woman. So she and Snooki are going to move in together for one last hurrah before their hips start breaking and all of their teeth fall out (which might actually be a plus for them, all things considered. And now I have to go gargle Listerine with my brain.) JMomm is on the phone with a realtor and some “comedy” ensues in which JMomm tries to specify that she’s looking for a two-bedroom apartment, but the realtor only has a “one bedroom, or a two bedroom, or a three bedroom.” Because we all know that Snooki and JMomm had to track down their own living space, all on their own, and the events which naturally unfolded were captured on camera solely for the sake of posterity and honesty and all that jazz. It’s history, people. This is our generation’s legacy.

Back at Snooki’s house, Mama Snooki tries to wake our favorite little Meatball up, and is told to “Go Away!!!” Seriously? Snooki makes enough money in two months to pay off my entire mortgage, and she’s still living with her mother? Whatever, show.

In other news, it would appear that Godzilla ate the entire San Diego Zoo’s Safari Park and then threw up all over Snooki’s bed.

Snooki tells us that she “definitely doesn’t want to be one of those kids who’s like forty years old and still lives with their parents” and now that she’s twenty-four she’s almost at that point. Once you made your first million, you were about twenty times past that point, girlie. She wanders into the kitchen where her mom is cooking breakfast and “breaks” the “news” that she kind of wants to move out on her own. With JMomm.

“Really?”

Snooki continues that all of her friends have places of their own, and now that she’s twenty-four, no offense, but she really wants to be out on her own. With JMomm. At least she’ll still have someone to make her bed for her and fix her breakfast.

Mama Snooki asks where they’re going to find a place and who’s going to do all of the shopping and the laundry and make sure that Snooki takes her Valtrex regularly.

OMG being a grown-up sounds like so much work!

Snooki tells her mom to stop being such a buzz-kill because of course MTV will hire people to take care of all that shopping is fun. Also, JMomm can take care of the food because she’s kosher. Mama Snooki points out that kosher means following the Jewish dietary laws, and Snooki realizes that kosher probably isn’t what she meant to say. “I think that kosher food is like, organic, healthy food,” Snooki explains to us. “Jewish people eat organic food too, so I feel like it’s all one and the same.” I’ll be right back, I think everything Snooki says will make a lot more sense once I’ve lobotomized myself with a corkscrew.

Mama Snooki wants to be sure that JMomm is on the same page as Snooki, and Snooki assures her mom that they’ll talk it over next time they see each other. “Jenni’s my best friend. She gets it,” Snooki confidently says.

As long as she also gets that my checks are still going to be bigger than hers, we’ll be fine.

In an interview, Snooki tells us that she’s nervous about telling JMomm her “secret” because she’s afraid that JMomm won’t want to live together anymore. Oh, please. But if that is the case, Snooki’s just going to tell her, “No, bitch, because I need this.” That’s a good friend right there. Snooki tells Mama Snooki thank you for understanding and not to cry. I’m pretty sure those are tears of joy at finally getting your insanely wealthy yet still freeloading ass out from under her roof for a few more months.

Back at Chez JMomm, JMomm comes home to find Paul Bunyan (aka her boyfriend Roger) in the kitchen. She interviews that she’s nervous that “he won’t take this whole move positive” but she hopes he remembers who pays the bills he’s ready for it. PB tells JMomm that he wants to be supportive but honestly doesn’t know if it’s a great idea. He reminds her that Snooki is a handful and asks if she is ready for that. “Do you think this will help our relationship? Do you think this will help your and Nicole’s relationship?”

Dammit, Bunyan, quit talking to me like we’re both adults! I’m not thirty yet!

She tells him that they’re gonna do what they’ve gotta do, and he replies that for all he knows that could be gang-bangs. Pipe down there buddy, and leave the hyperbole to the experts. He asks if she’s just looking for one last hurrah, and she replies, “Not a gang-bang hurrah!” (Although now that he’s planted the idea….) She just doesn’t want to be that girl who, at forty-five, looks back and wishes that she had lived in The City with her girlfriend. As sardini mentioned in the minicap comments, when you live on the East coast, “The City” is New York City, not Jersey City which was the only place desperate enough to give these yahoos a filming permit. Paul Bunyan asks if this is really what she wants to do, and she says yes, because she doesn’t want any regrets in life. He points out that it’s going to be crazy because you couldn’t life in Antarctica with Snooki and have it not be crazy.

In an interview, JMomm gives us a rundown of the reasons why Paul Bunyan is skeptical. We can break this down into two categories, Snooki’s Dos and Don’ts. Don’ts: make the bed, do the laundry, clean up after herself, cook, clean again, bathe regularly, wash her hands after she pees. Dos: Get drunk as hell and make a complete and utter fool out of herself, urinate on the floors of both her personal residence and local hotspots whenever the mood hits her, get drunk some more.

Roger tells JMomm that he’s okay with it, and that while she’s having a good time, he’ll have a good time too. She warns that if he has too good of a time, his dick will be stuffed and mounted above the fireplace.

Also, is it just me, or does Paul Bunyan look different than he did on the last season of Jersey Shore? Did they recast JMomm’s boyfriend?

Papa Snooki comes home carrying a black plastic portable file box. Snooki interviews that every time he has that out, it’s not going to be a fun conversation. If it was my dad, it would have contained an itemized bill for my entire upbringing, whereas Papa Snooki is the kind of guy who drives his daughter to doctor’s appointments for recurrent UTIs acquired due to suspect sexual practices and then hangs around the house while she gets extensions put in because she forgot that he was coming to visit and scheduled a hair appointment for that day. The box is probably full of mementos from her childhood, like the empty foil from her first birth control prescription and a bronzed pair of infant stripper-heels.

“This isn’t going to be a summer house at the Jersey Shore,” Papa Snooki begins, “this is going to be your place to live.” “Thank you, Captain Obvious,” Snooki snots back, at which point I would have shelved whatever advice/help/support I was about to give her and told her to have a good life. Sadly, Papa Snooki proceeds without even blinking, telling her that she needs to learn about paying rent, and utilities, and insurance, and all those other things that most people I know have been at least partially responsible for since they were eighteen or so.

Bored now.

Snooki thinks that using candles instead of electrical lights would save them a lot of money in the long run. “I know a lot of Amish people do it, and they’re rich, I feel. They have their own friggin’ companies.” Snooki can get away with saying absolutely any ridiculous thing she wants as long as she qualifies it with “I feel,” because how can anyone argue with that? All she has to do is say, “I didn’t say it was that way, I just said that I felt it was that way.” Well played, Snooki. You may be ignorant, but I’ll never deny that you are one crafty mo-fo.

Papa Snooki doesn’t want Snooki to sign anything unless he looks at it first. He certainly delivers his lines well, I’m almost convinced that he really thinks that he has some sort of influence in this situation.

Snooki and JMomm are Skyping, and spend the first few seconds of their conversation checking their hair with the web cam. I wonder what would happen if Snooki were to find her way into a house of mirrors? Snooki interviews that it’s exciting that they’re both ready to make this commitment. JMomm tells Snooki that she talked to “real-i-tors” and that she gave them a generic rundown of what they want, basically a two-bedroom place that allows animals. “You’re bringing your dogs?!” Snooki squeals. Snooki interviews that she’s worried about poop and pee everywhere.

Exhibit A in the “Why you have no right to judge anybody’s degree of housebroken-ness” argument.

JMomm asks Snooki how she feels about meeting to look at places at nine the next morning, and while it’s clear from Snooki’s reaction that she is 86% certain that getting up that early will cause irrevocable harm, Snooki finally says that she guesses it will be fine as long as JMomm brings her a bagel.

In the morning, Snooki drives around in this black super-short-bed truck with crazy hot-pink trim, going the wrong way on one-way streets, and generally reaffirming every suspicion you and I have ever had about whether or not she should be allowed to drive. Meanwhile, JMomm (and Snooki’s bagel) are waiting for both Snooki and the realtor outside the apartment building. She tries to call Snooki, but Snooki won’t pick up, griping at her ringing phone that she’s almost there. Poor JMomm shivers on the front stoop, with a full bladder, and calls the realtor, who also doesn’t pick up. She wants to punch both Snooki and the real-i-tor in the face.

Just as JMomm is saying “I don’t like anybody anymore,” Snooki turns down the street in what JMomm calls her “ridiculous ghetto truck.”

It’s not trashy if it costs more than $50,000.

JMomm is impressed that Snooki showed up before the real-i-tor, and asks if she can wait inside the car because she is fucking freezing. Snooki gets a bit worried upon learning that she has to parallel park — she’s never really done that before. “I have no idea what the fuck I’m doing,” she tell us, not realizing that we already know that statement applies to everything except consuming alcohol and giving blowjobs. JMomm stands outside the car and adjusts the steering wheel through the open window, instructing Snooki when to reverse and when to go forward. “I’m second-guessing my truck decision now,” Snooki says. “If I’d knew I was moving to the city before, I would never got the truck,” she ungrammatically reveals. The good news is, I’m sure you can unload it to some foreign fan-boy for more than the sticker price, especially if you pee in it first.

Ooh, good idea!

JMomm’s bladder is about to burst, so she prepares to head off in search of a bathroom. Snooki encourages her to just pee under the stairwell, but JMomm ripostes, “Can I change a tampon down there?” Considering who she’s asking, I would expect the answer to be yes, but Snooki just laughs and asks JMomm if she can’t wait another five minutes. Fortunately, Realtor Victor appears just at that moment, and is greeted with a welcoming, “What the fuck?” from JMomm. That’s exactly how I always greeted our realtor during our recent house purchasing process, but I’m sure it didn’t affect the closing costs at all. Victor lets the girls in to the building and JMomm frantically locates the bathroom, but not before first casting judgment on Victor’s ensemble. “What vintage shop from the ’80s did you pick that [blazer] up at?” she snarks.

As Victor shows Snooki around the apartment, JMomm yells from the bathroom that there’s no toilet paper. Oddly enough, Victor is not carrying any toilet paper on his person, so JMomm clambers up the stairs to see if there’s any in the upstairs bathroom. “She has her period,” Snooki explains to a bemused Victor.

They sure as hell didn’t cover this on anything I studied when I was prepping to get my license.

JMomm suddenly remembers that there are napkins in with Snooki’s bagel, leading Snooki to ask JMomm, “Can you not wipe your vagina with my bagel.” So classy, you guys. So very classy. In a joint interview, Snooki wonders what would have happened if the water hadn’t been turned on and the toilet hadn’t flushed. When JMomm points out that in that case, her tampon would still be hanging out there, Snooki’s “That’s so disgusting,” is met with an, “You’ve done worse.”

Touche.

They quiz Victor about the neighborhood, and he tells them that this is the current hot area for young couples and families. JMomm doesn’t want to be in a neighborhood with a lot of families, she wants to be with the cool single folks, so she asks Victor where he lives. He lives in the Greenville section, so JMomm says, “Then we’ll go to the Greenville section.”

Poor Victor enlists the aid of another realtor, Elena, and the two of them take the girls to look at some other properties. One isn’t acceptable because the only parking available is parallel parking in the front of the building. Also, there’s an abandoned toilet sitting in the lot outside one of the bedroom windows. Next! Property #3 has a big ol’ roach in the bathroom. Property #4 is “railroad style,” which means that the only access to one bedroom is through the other bedroom. It was also built in the early 1900′s, which information meets with a “Fuck that!” from Snooki. After all, there could have been murders there that they don’t know about. Bored with the process of looking for a place to live (probably because they know this is an exercise in futility since the production company has already lined them up with a fantastic apartment) JMomm asks Elena and Victor if they fuck. Each other. And when they say no, she is skeptical. “They’re two good looking people, and they’re in the same business,” Snooki expands. “Sometimes people mix business with pleasure.” And sometimes people aren’t compelled into coitus simply by virtue of being in the same room as an attractive individual of the opposite sex.

Snooki seems to have mastered the art of parallel parking, but as she parks in front of the next property, she notices an elderly gentleman sans shirt looking out of one of the windows opposite. “Ew! He looks like a pedophile!” she shrieks. The man puts a T-shirt on as JMomm yells out the car window, “WHY ARE YOU SO CREEPY?!” They push the front door of the property open, both scream loudly, and hightail it back to their vehicle. In an interview, Snooki tells us that house-hunting is stressful and they don’t know if they’re going to find anything perfect. Welcome to reality.

Never mind about that whole reality thing. They have arrived in front of a brick building with a huge red garage door, reminiscent of an old firehouse. Snooki complains about the stairs leading from the front door into the living area, but then:

I want to go to there.

It’s open, it’s furnished, it accepts pets — seemingly tailor-made. What a happy coincidence! Victor and Elena give them some time alone to discuss it and “make a decision.” They agree that this place is “five-star” and they both love it. JMomm is ready to go for it, but Snooki has to tell her something first.

“This will sell better if you pretend that you haven’t seen any tabloids or been in contract negotiations over the past three months, ‘k?”

“This is my super-secret-curious-and-worried face. I’ve been practicing it in the mirror at home, but ever since my last round of restylane injections, my facial muscles no longer respond to simple neural commands.”

“I wouldn’t worry about it too much — there’s a reason my name is first in the show title.”

Snooki tells JMomm that Jionni proposed and they’re engaged, but she didn’t want to tell her because she was afraid that JMomm wouldn’t want to move in together after all. Snooki digs her ring out of her purse and it is truly bling-tastic. JMomm interviews that she is surprised because she thought she would be engaged before anyone else. She tells Snooki the ring isn’t real and then congratulates her, but she wonders what Jionni thinks about them moving in together. “Obviously we’re not going to get married for a couple of years,” Snooki assures her. Being the super-supportive awesome BFF that she is, JMomm presses to find out if Snooki is sure she reaaaalllly wants to be engaged, leading to Snooki’s confession that, “He pretty much axed me… because I’m pregnant.”

Oddly enough, that was my exact facial expression when I first found out about Snooki’s baby, too. But I was wearing smaller earrings.

“Instead of life throwing me a curve ball, it threw me a sperm ball,” Snooki interviews. “Obviously.” She and JMomm exchange weighty glances for a while, until Snooki exclaims, “Let’s go sign that lease!” And… fade to black. Will they move in together? Is their friendship over? This show is completely genuine and unscripted, I feel.

Until next week….

<3,

SuburBint

To get the funniest quotes from TVgasm recaps as they’re posted, follow us on Twitter. You can post your favorite lines right back at us. If you want to play games and socialize, like our Facebook page! We’re also now on Pinterest and Tumblr! Thanks for being a part of the ‘gasm!

 

 

About

After giving birth to her fourth child, SuburBint carefully weighed the options and decided that recapping reality TV was probably a better choice in the long run than alcoholism. Liver function tests have yet to confirm the wisdom of this decision. Being an honest-to-goodness recapper is also a dream come true, as she has aspired to do this ever since discovering that such a thing existed way back in 2002.

Her favorite shows of all time include Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Coupling, Breaking Bad, Sons of Anarchy, Firefly, Community, Parks and Recreation, Doctor Who, and Veronica Mars. She can also quote The Big Lebowski in its entirety, and will do so with little to no provocation.

 

16 Comments

  1. 1
    Tmurda
    Posted June 24, 2012 at 2:11 am

    Ugh…thanks for sparing me the torture of having to sit thru this first ep. I only lasted to about the middle of Jmomm and PB’s “discussion” before turning the channel with a simultaneous grunt/eyeroll. Mtv is a network full of assholes who insult their entire billion-person audience with this nonsense we are expected to believe is actually authentic. I take it personally, and do not appreciate it. *sigh* They don’t even try to act well, so the entire ep was a complete throw-away. Could they not have just squeezed all that into a 90 second montage ending with an obnoxious “So here we are in the big city to represent Jersey and blah blah blah…!!!”…Cue “Snooki and Jwoww” blue leopard/lime green title screen ???
    I dunno. I’ll def check out the next ep to see if it’s worth a shit, but it feels half-assed so far, and the combo of how UN-amusing Snooki’s embelleshed ditziness is sans sloppy-drunkness and Jwoww’s inability to pretend she’s still amused by any of it, will most likely make for a collective “i’m sooo over these clowns” conclusion by the original fan-base. I think they are going for a “first-time-on-our-own-going-off-to-college with-my-bestie-to-stumble-thru-new-domestic-responsibilities-while-getting-as-fucked-up-as-we-can-before-concluding-that-it-was-all-a-valuable-learning-experience-that-made-us-closer” thing….minus the college, fresh-meat in the party scene, or anything else that would bring the entertainment of first-time 18yr old freedom to the scenario. They arent broke, they arent affected by the “HOLY SHIT! I did WHAT last night?!” stuff that a rookie party-girl goes through (which is the only thing entertaining about binge-drinking chicks) and I’m pretty sure the overly-tacky wardrobe/accessories “Proud to be a guidette” thing got obnoxious to the rest of the world during the middle of JS season 2, so a 24-yr-old in a mini-mouse bow feels almost like a dare by mtv to turn on this franchise for good.
    We’lll see.

  2. 2
    snowshoecat Donna Quinn
    Posted June 24, 2012 at 5:10 am

    Well, SuperB, you described my first apartment perfectly. BF moved in, I moved out (he left the lid up).

    Loved the Safari Park reference. Hard to come down from a vaycay, innit? Especially from that to…this.

    I didn’t even notice that you recapped the wrong thing. I just thought the whole mess was such a, well, mess that it didn’t matter.

    Can we stop watching now? Tell you what… You recap, I’ll read. ‘K?

  3. 3
    lindaw205
    Posted June 24, 2012 at 5:51 am

    I only ever watched the first season of JS and my eyes are still burning so this crap will definitely not be dancing aross my retinas. Please just let it all end. And is it just me or do they both look alike in that photo of their much enhanced faces?

  4. 4
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted June 24, 2012 at 6:34 am

    Well, SuperB, you described my first apartment perfectly. BF moved in, I moved out (he left the lid up).

    (I seem to have fallen into a black hole of comments. If this duplicates, pulleeeze forgive.)

    Loved the Safari Park reference. Hard to come down from a vaycay, innit? Especially from that to…this.

    I didn’t even notice that you recapped the wrong thing. I just thought the whole mess was such a, well, mess that it didn’t matter.

    Can we stop watching now? Tell you what… You recap, I’ll read. ‘K?

  5. 5
    SuburBint
    Posted June 24, 2012 at 7:36 am

    @Tmurda — Glad I’m not the only one who thinks that MTV is insulting our intelligence and couldn’t care less. The comments on the mtv.com episode page for this show were… well, I’d say enlightening except it’s been several hours since I last read them and my eyeballs are still bleeding. Suffice it to say, a disturbingly large proportion of Modern Youth either do not care about being played for fools or lack the capacity to recognize that it is happening. But comments such as “just stfu and stop judging people,” “This show is good so far…. can’t wait to see more of it….” and, my personal favorite, “i love this show baddddddd mine can’t stp them cause them knw wat them a du…………………….” truly make me despair for the future of humanity. Thankfully, these comments are somewhat balanced by such insights as, “They seem like they are… acting….and not very good i might add,” and “y? this is just one of the reasons that changed mtv and ruined it.” But then there’s the six comment long thread regarding why the show is only 20 minutes long instead of a full hour (commercials, obviously. If you want your full 30 minutes of show in a 30 minute slot, move to Britain like the rest of us. [Okay, I haven't moved to Britain, but I watch enough BBC to almost compensate. Also I drink a lot of tea. A lot. Of tea.]) I just don’t know anymore… even the saner comments are full of crappy text-speak and their punctuation is severely lacking. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, the fact that someone can become a celebrity for doing nothing more than getting falling-down-drunk, making poor sexual decisions, and displaying a level of ignorance that would embarrass my two-year-old speaks volumes about the direction in which we are headed as a nation. This is how civilizations crumble nowadays.

    @lindaw205 — If you look at publicity stills for Snooki & JWoww, Snooki looks more and more South American when her face is in repose and/or has the imperfections airbrushed out. JMomm is already starting to show the signs of “pillow face,” which is absolutely ridiculous considering that she isn’t even thirty yet!

  6. 6
    Tmurda
    Posted June 24, 2012 at 8:26 am

    @Suberbint-im glad you’re pickin up what i’m puttin down….you’re catchin what i’m throwin….you’re scoopin what i’m poopin. I mean, the JS cast is relatively entertaining, be it less and less per season, but that’s when they are filmed as a group. The rediculousness of 6 of these people together is the solitary appeal, to those who find it appealing. But as individuals, there is NO denying that there is a spotlight that appears to shed light on how truely irrelevent they actually are. Even Pauly, despite being the one hot guy of the cast with talent and an endearingly humbleness about him, fell into the “meh / *shrug*” catagory with his own show.
    I could go on and on about how fucked our society is based on the fame of people with zero admirable/respectable qualities, but I’ll just assume we’re all n the same page here, and make my last point.
    That point being: The past 2 seasons of JS have made it painfully apparent that Snooki’s only entertaining purpose is getting sloppy, vulgar, acting like a trash-bag in endless ways, and disgracing her family and anyone else who cares about her as a person, no? Therefore, the Snooki we’ve been stuck with in her rare moments of sobriety is the Snooki we’ll get on this show too, due to her pregnancy. I mean, she and Deena frantically tried to fiil any time they were’nt falling down drunk with lame antics s/a running around in silly costumes, dancing is places where there was no one else dancing, etc. It was boring, and a pathetic attempt to make sure they are thought of as “fun”. To anyone with intelligence and standards, none of it was at all funny because it all lacks any “clever-ness” or witty genius that generally is required to make something funny. Is this making sense? I just see this show consisting of moments made awkward by the sound of crickets and Jwoww offering a half-assed “sympathy laugh”. It’s not cute to be stupid as shit, and say stupid things. It wasn’t even cute when Jessica Simpson did it, and she’s gorgeous, talented, and bathed, soooo…Snooki better come up with more than falling down a lot, sucking at every-day things normal people can do, and running around in fuzzy slippers, cause she’s got a whole season to hold on to her fans that haven’t realized she’s pathetic yet. I have zero faith that she can pull it off, but at least she has Jionni to go home to……he WILL be there, right?!….RIGHT!!!??….. *crickets*….She’s damn lucky he knocked her up, and that he doesn’t seem the deadbeat-dad type. These people managed to extend their 15 mins of fame to 30 mins of fame, but I predict they will soon fall HARD!

  7. 7
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted June 24, 2012 at 8:41 am

    Commented in the mini that I wondered how many 20-somethings with matching IQs and cup sizes looked to these clowns as role models. Apparently some do according to the comments.

    There is so much fun to finding the “perfect” apartment with a friend. So many real and funny adventures that could be used as the basis for a frankly scripted show. And I don’t mean the one in which the new roomie immediately screws the BF either. These are the role models?

    *steps off soapbox*

  8. 8
    aliens.rock
    Posted June 24, 2012 at 3:09 pm

    @SuburBint
    Snookie IS South American. She was adopted from one of the South american countries (Guatemala, or Equador, or somewhere else).
    I don’t watch the show, I only read your recap.

  9. 9
    mellow
    Posted June 24, 2012 at 5:10 pm

    Snookie is hispanic. She was adopted from Chile when she was 2 years old. Anyone else think she has adoption issues ( or just issues in general) with pretending to be so Italian and all while not even acknowledging her Chilean heritage? I also don’t think snookie is as dumb as she pretends to be. She knows the game.

  10. 10
    carol
    Posted June 24, 2012 at 9:21 pm

    I tried my hardest to watch this show, but I couldn’t get through it. While it was still playing, I actually got up and started doing something else, not even realizing the show was still on. This is coming from someone who watched Pauly D’s show every week. That being said, thanks for the great recap. Even if I can’t watch the show, I will be reading the recaps for the snark.

    These girls are just dumb. Either they are actually that dumb or they are acting that dumb because they think it will get them more publicity (if so, that is just sad). The way they act is just foolish, the way they treat other people is just rude and ridiculous. Everything they do is for attention. I really hope this show is canceled after a couple of episodes. Nothing they do will be new or exciting because they have already whored their whole lives out to the gossip magazines.

    This is going to sound really mean, but I really hope Snooki is not pregnant and this is one big publicity stunt. Her belly changes all the time and is still tiny for someone that is due in two months. She is a tiny person so her belly should be showing. If she really is pregnant, I hope once she has the baby she has the good sense to fade into obscurity for her and the baby’s sake.

  11. 11
    SuburBint
    Posted June 24, 2012 at 10:26 pm

    @aliens.rock & mellow — I knew Snooki was actually Chilean instead of Italian, but I wasn’t aware that she was adopted. That could explain a lot, actually.

    @carol — You actually forgot that you were watching the show? That is quite possibly the most profound statement that could possibly be made about this crapfest. I think Snooki is smarter than she lets on; she recognizes that she is a commodity, and that her brand is entirely built upon making a complete arse of herself. If she can’t drink, she’s going to have to dig deep in order to keep her ludicrous persona going, and with any luck she’ll be so exhausted by the time this (supposed) last season of Jersey Shore stops filming, she’ll invest her money wisely and maybe even develop some sort of marketable skill. I can really see her maturing (maybe not the best word) with her fame. Whether we like it or not, Snooki is here to stay.

    JMomm on the other hand… I’m pretty certain that what we see is what we get with her. There was a disturbingly strong underlying tone of sincerity when she was talking about how she thought that she would be the one to get married and have kids first — she sees the dreaded age of (gasp!) 30 fast approaching on the horizon and knows that right now her fame and income is built entirely around her interactions with Snooki. But now that she’s experienced the MTV life, it is doubtful that she will be willing to settle for the soccer-mom life in the suburbs that was probably in her future before she was cast on JS. When her realty TV career ends, she will ruin her body with more and more unnecessary cosmetic procedures, desperately trying to recapture a sliver of her former glory. I have a feeling we’ll be seeing her on Celebrity Rehab in a few years, probably with a failed marriage or two behind her. Or possibly on Mob Wives, if we’re lucky.

  12. 12
    mere2142
    Posted June 25, 2012 at 6:25 am

    I’ll give this mess one more shot then I’ll probably be skipping the show and sticking to your recaps.

    I was reading US Weekly yesterday and Snooki and Jionni were interviewed. She said when they had the baby they were going to be living in his parents basement for at least the first year. She also said they already made a rule that if they’ve had more than two drinks or they are hungover they won’t touch the baby because they don’t want to drop it. I guess living with his parents makes sense with this rationale otherwise the kid would be forever in the crib screaming while these two nitwits do shots.

  13. 13
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted June 25, 2012 at 7:02 am

    Always wondered how Snooks got on the JS because I knew she was from South America and had been adopted. Figured that heritage mattered when upbringing is considered more important than bloodlines. Did that make any sense at all?

    Her dad reminded me of somebody and it drove me crazy until I realized that he looks very much like Joe Pants from the Sopranos—Frankie! My main crush, as awful as he was. Okay, after the good Father… I digress.

    Both actresses are very good at playing (overplaying) their parts. Jenny sort of eased into the Mom role because she meshed well with Snooki and her role needed someone to balance it. Or display it. Not sure. They are now pandering to the unsupervised teens and underdeveloped (mentally) twenties, but had better be careful…they are already cartoons and eventually the twit faction will begin to feel used.

    Saw the house on another site. Cannot begin to describe how so many animal prints and pink could be used to destroy a living space. It’s a Tween’s wet dream.

    Snookie is going to develop lip lines from that perpetual pout. Just sayin’ ya know.

  14. 14
    CynTV CynTV
    Posted June 25, 2012 at 7:02 am

    ** I’ll be right back, I think everything Snooki says will make a lot more sense once I’ve lobotomized myself with a corkscrew. **

    My Monday has started out a bit wobbly (sadly, not the drinking kind of wobbly) and it’s only 10AM!! But your comment above made me laugh out loud. Thank you. Reading your recaps are so much more entertaining than the show itself.

    And do you really think Gionni bought her that rock? Or is it fakery?

  15. 15
    SuburBint
    Posted June 25, 2012 at 9:08 am

    @mere2142 — I’m glad that at least they’ve put some thought into rules about drinking around the baby, but living in his parents basement? Living in your parents basement is what you do when you get pregnant when you’re in high school and need to save up some money before getting a place of your own. I do not understand the life choices Snooki makes, maybe all her money has gone into things like dangerously high heels and that ridiculously ghetto truck, because I’m sure if she wanted to, she could put them up in a comfortable home and hire a nanny, if not full-time, then at least someone to watch the kid while she went out partied/recovered the next morning. Or maybe she’s of the mindset that her money is her money, and it’s Jionni’s responsibility to provide for their little family, in which case a) lame! and b) that relationship is doomed. Doomed I tell you! I mean more doomed than it already is.

    @SSC — I so do not understand your television crushes. Psychopath Ralph Cifaretto? The guy who beat the stripper to death? And then burned down the stable that Tony’s beloved horse lived in? Good lord, woman. Seek help! But you absolutely nailed it, Papa Snooki does bear an amazing resemblance to Joey Pants, which explains why I want to put him in my pocket and take him away from his horrible life pandering to the world’s orangest princess.

    @CynTV — Glad my home surgical experiments brightened your day. I think it was a success; I can’t see out of my left eye any more and apparently there isn’t supposed to be this much oozeyness at this point, but I’ll keep mixing vicodin with vodka and soldier through. On the plus side, I went online and started pricing short-bed trucks with custom cheetah print seats, hot pink trim with diamante accents, and Hello Kitty license plate covers, for no other reason than that it now seems like the most reasonable, practical, necessary vehicle for my life at this point. Sure, I have four kids and need to cart home an entire minivan’s worth of bulk goods home from Costco once a month, but I’m pretty sure if we strategically place both the children and the flats of canned vegetables inside the extended cab a là Tetris, everything will fit just fine. And who cares about fuel prices when it is guaranteed that every single person who sees me driving by will be struck down with a case of soul-searing envy? I have seen the light, and it is indeed glorious. Also sparkly.

    Do I think Snooki’s ring is real? Absolutely. Girlfriend isn’t going to settle for a paste engagement ring; even if she wasn’t Snooki Snooki, one thing I learned during my stint back East is that those Italian (even Italian by way of Chile) girls expect a big ass ring and they will take it to a jeweler in order to have it’s “C”s officially verified. If if comes up even remotely shady, it is proof that the gentleman suitor does not really love you enough and a huge fight ensues, replete with screaming, sobbing, throwing easily broken knick-knacks, and ending with a supervised trip to a jewelery store, wherein the unacceptable ring is exchanged for one which meets all necessary criteria. Because every young couple should start married life with at least $20K in debt. I’m sure Jionni bought and paid for that ring, if by paid for we mean he will slowly be paying it off over the next 15 years, as his credit score plummets lower and lower and Snooki spends her $$ on over-sized hair-bows and tacky footwear.

  16. 16
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted June 25, 2012 at 10:15 am

    Well, SuperB, I’m glad you addressed the ring issue. I was going to call BS since Gionni hasn’t held a real job since that grocery delivery stint in the 8th grade. Your scenario of how he will pay for that ring for the rest of his miserable life makes much more sense.

    Hair bows, footwear and outlandish animal print accessories.

    Well, yeah. I know about my taste in men, but Hubbycat is such a sweetie that my fantasy life needs a little spice. Okay, okay. I’ll seek help. Do I have to give up the Dude’s bestie Jesus too?

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