I am still laughing at how this episode turned out, Gasmi. Maybe my expectations have been lowered, sitting through this snoozefest of a season, maybe I’m a cruel bitch who enjoys the suffering of others, OR maybe it was just that funny! I think I might go so far as to say this episode was almoooost(but not quite) as funny as that time when Lisi fell.
It really does never get old.
I may have to add a screenshot from this episode to my wall of Survivorchuckles. But we’ve got a long way to go before we get to that, so let’s jump right in! It’s night 30 and Titty-Caca is returning from a particularly rewarding tribal council. Everyone is thrilled that they got Douchezan OUT. Chelsea is amazed that they were actually able to do it, which triggers Kat wondering what Douchezan meant when he whispered “Do it.” To her before leaving.
It’s like a mystery that will never be solved. What did he want me to do??!??!?!?!
Abitchia, being the bitch that she is, has to point out to Christina that she almost went home; after all, she only had one vote less than Douchezan. She thinks that this night’s tribal proved just how stupid Christina is because she didn’t answer Jeff’s questions well. But you know who did answer the questions well? SABRINA.
That bitch has gotta go
Ugh. You first, Abitchia. Why do I have a feeling her nasty ass is going to be in the top three? Bleh. Abitchia is super worried about Sabrina because she is a good talker and could end up swaying the jury to vote for her. Also? She’s not a feral nasty bitch.
What are you trying to say?
Nothing I haven’t said already! So, Sabrina is now on Abitchia’s hit list. In a moment of self delusion, Abitchia tells us that people underestimate her role in the game; “Little do they know, I’m at the top controlling everything. I’m the most powerful player in this game.” I really hope her ass gets voted out soon. The next morning, Abitchia and her new best nemesis, Sabrina, go to collect tree mail. Inside is a box emblazoned with the Sprint logo on it, so they immediately know what’s coming. They play it cool at first when they get back to camp, but when they reveal the box and pull out the phone inside, everyone goes nuts.
The first message is from Sabrina’s brother, Tony. He says she is missed back home and that he is on the island. She’s really hoping that she gets to spend some time with him today. The next is from Abitchia’s sister, Leticia, who says she misses her and is proud of her.
I love it when you pick on people and compare them to your special ed students! Oh….by the way…..your school called and said you’re fired.
Okay, maybe that last part is wishful thinking. Chelsea’s dad is next which causes Chelsea to cry and say that she loves her dad. I normally make fun of the crying, but I like Chelsea so I’ll save my mockery for someone else. The next greeting is from Christina’s dad and she’s in tears too. She tells us her dad got a kidney transplant last year and now only has about five to ten years to live.
Damn. I guess I should have made fun of Chelsea while I had the chance.
Fucking transplant patients. Kim’s sister, Beth, is next and seems to be just as boring as Kim is. She’s followed by Kat’s cousin, Robby who Kat tells us is also her best friend and most important person in her whole life. Oooookay. And last but not least is Mrs. Poopypants.
The house has smelled much fresher since you’ve been gone.
Sabrina tells us that she is planning on taking Tarzan on the reward if he wins because she can see how much he really needs to spend time with his wife. She hopes the others will be unselfish in their choices as well. She tells us it’s kinda like she’s playing for her AND Tarzan today. So now we’re off to the reward challenge. Jeff takes back the phone they got from tree mail before telling everyone what they already know: their loved ones are here. Time to bring them out for hugs and kisses and tears.
And humping and motorboating?
Yikes! I’m pretty close to my cousins, but we never hump each other! I think my favorite family moment is when Chelsea’s dad says something to her about being so tan and she tells him it’s not a tan; it’s dirt. So cute! Jeff, of course, has to comment on the tough girl crying and Chelsea says she knows she’s been sort of a hard ass on the show, but “this is my soft spot.”
There’s also talk of Christina’s dad’s kidney transplant, Kat talks about her weird relationship with her cousin: they work together, live together and BREATHE together.
Well, he actually reminds me to breathe.
Tarzan drops to his knees before his wife even comes out. He tells Jeff his wife is his soul mate and they have a quantum entanglement. You know, for once I’m finding him to be actually quite sweet. For this challenge, the family members will be participating as well. They will be attached together by rope and have to maneuver themselves (and their rope) through a series of obstacles. It’s really another untangle the rope challenge, except their part of the tangle as well. First one to reach the finish line will get to go with their loved one to a beautiful spot where they will enjoy fish, chicken, and beef kabobs. Ready? Go!