It’s the first episode of the final season of Teen Mom vanilla, y’all. I don’t know about you, but I’m very interested to see how these kids cope with actual reality once the MTV paychecks stop coming in.
The season kicks off with Maci making a bigger deal out of preschool than necessary. Bentley needs to go to preschool soon and since he’s not ever around other kids, Maci feels the need to send Bentley to daycare to prepare him. But, due to the fact that they can’t bear to leave Bentley crying at daycare for more than three seconds, they are taking him to swimming lessons. Oh, good, he can interact with other kids, you say? Oh no no no no no. That’s not the case. These are PRIVATE lessons. Yessir. It seems that Maci and Kyle are onto a new way to socialize your child – keep them as far away from other children as possible in order to prepare them for being around other children.
Here’s the trick to dropping your kid off at preschool. You take them, introduce them to the teachers, let the teachers introduce them to the other kids, while they’re occupied with other children RUN. Sit in the car and cry for a second and go home or run to the store all excited that you don’t have to use the gigantic plastic car cart that requires a 200-point turn to maneuver around the produce section.
Maci shirks her responsibilities and has Kyle help Bentley get used to the water. Then, she proceeds to nag the living hell out of Kyle about doing it all wrong. Get in the water, Kyle! Don’t get in the water, Kyle! Grab Bentley, Kyle! Stop touching Bentley, Kyle! I will not be giving this relationship the Sugarbush Seal of Approval™.
Catelynn and Tyler are dropping off gifts at the adoption center for Carly’s second birthday. Brandon and Theresa have decided the best way to cop out of the discomfort of the graduation debacle is to have them meet in NYC between Carly’s birthday and the graduation as a joint celebration. Brandon and Theresa must be the most patient people. I can’t even begin to imagine the awkwardness of these meetings. It must be really difficult for all involved and I definitely have to hand it to them.
Farrah and Sophia show up at Debra’s house where Debra has a surprise waiting. Guess what it is?? Debra has gone to great extremes to convert Farrah’s bedroom into Sophia’s room by keeping everything the same and adding a child-size table. Because Debra is so clearly excited by the idea of keeping Sophia by herself, you just know that Farrah will be changing plans quickly and just dump it on her mom out of nowhere.
Debra leaves and Farrah decides it’s a great time to share her fondest memories of when this was her room with her daughter. Her 2-year-old daughter. She introduces Sophia to the closet where Sophia’s daddy hid once when he heard Farrah’s dad coming down the hall. And then Farrah points out the bed where she and Baby Daddy made her. Lovely and completely appropriate. Farrah says it means a lot to her that Derek was once in that room, so it reminds her of him. That’s it? Your room reminds you of your late ex-boyfriend?
See this piece of lint? There was one time your dad had some lint on his shirt. ::sniff sniff::
Farrah’s sadness over the baby daddy doesn’t make me sad. I buried my long-time boyfriend just before his 22nd birthday, so you would think I would be sympathetic. Maybe it’s because I truly cared about my boyfriend BEFORE he died and didn’t use his death to get attention. Who knows?
And now for the Teen Mom equivalent to Snookie and Jionni – Amber and Gary. Gary is still sporting the fat guy Beard of Denial and Amber is tanner than ever.
What? I’m not fat. See where my beard line is? That’s my jawline. The rest of this is neck and muscle.