Amber’s ever-present cousin Krystal is pregnant. Is she in a serious relationship? Does anyone remember? Or, is she just having babies willy nilly without any concern over consequences or, I don’t know, the livelihood of her children? Amber will be attending Seasons in Malibu. Say “hi” to Lindsay and Charlie for me. Amber’s eyelashes look just as bad as always. When is anyone on reality television going to figure out false eyelashes? They all wear them so they look like fur muffs. Amber’s don’t even taper – they just end abruptly 2/3 of the way across her eyelids. I can hear The Cuntess singing softly in the background about how money can’t buy you brains. She would definitely know.
Maci and Kyle meet up with Maci’s friend who is a daycare worker. Apparently, you have to do daycare before you can do preschool. That doesn’t really make any sense to me. Supposedly, Miss Daycare is shocked by 2-year-old Bentley’s behavior when he won’t let Kyle play with Gordon the train. Give me a break. You work at a daycare. You are around bratty, snot-riddled children hanging from ceiling fans 40 hours a week – this is nothing. Maci shares that taking Bentley to daycare is stressful, because Bentley cries “like a big baby”. Seriously? He IS a baby! My God. These bitches should be on Toddlers and Tiaras with this attitude.
Bentley says he’ll go to daycare, but he won’t play with the other kids and then bites Kyle on the chest. I would think this kid is a little bit turdish, but when you consider the fact that his parents are Maci and Ryan, can you really blame him? He’s already leagues more mature. He also seems to have a wider vocabulary than his father.
I lahk hatz. I lahk tew chew tabakee.
Next up is Farrah. She’s left her daughter with her mom so she can talk to the counselor about leaving behind her daughter. Farrah feels as though if she leaves Sophia behind that she’s avoiding her responsibilities to her daughter. Hmmm…that’s strangely mature. This will not last long, mark my words.
I can see her lips moving and I realize she’s saying things I should be listening to, but I’m just so focused on her super-duper tan she’s sporting this season. She’s always been really tan and maybe it’s just the fact that she’s not wearing bangs, but my God she looks like a brown crayon.
Mrs. Hanky, the Mourning Poo
Farrah reveals that when she talks to her parents she starts to second guess herself and…it happens. Only 20 minutes into the premier and we are graced with the first of 1 billion shots of the ugliest cry face on the planet. Seriously. I learned just today that there are several Facebook pages dedicated to Farrah’s hideous cry face. As if she isn’t annoying enough when she is dry-eyed. The counselor reveals how unapt she is by stating that she doesn’t believe that Farrah’s parents would say anything intentionally to upset her. Ummm…have you met Debra? I’m pretty sure she come into see you with Farrah a couple of times last season. Don’t dick this poor girl around – she’s too damn stupid to figure anything out on her own. At some point we all have to be sympathetic to idiots. v Leah time in the bath. Thanks, Captain Useless for the gratuitous shot of the toilet with the seat up. Is it really so possible for people to become completely apathetic to the fact that the entire country (yes, I realize that gives this show a lot more credit than is due) is watching you? Have some fucking dignity, please. I don’t want to see your urine trickles.
Gary discusses Amber’s “anger rehab” with his mom. Everyone keeps glossing over this rehab by calling it “rehabangermanagementthingy”. Let’s call it what it is, guys. It’s not like it really matters anymore. Does anyone really think any less of Britney when she drops another one of her kids on their head while downing Jagerbombs behind the wheel of her Beemer? No. We just say, “Oh, that Britney! So incorrigible!”