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Maci and Kyle are on their way to drop Bentley off for his first day of preschool. Bentley is off-and-on happy about it and Maci is all mopey. Of course, how do I know she’s mopey?
I get not wanting to leave your baby somewhere when you’re used to having them all the time, but its super lame to leave it to your not-really-all-that-serious boyfriend to drop him off. Maci stays in the car while Kyle drops Bentley off. No one told the kids to play cool around the cameras, so they’re all excited. Uneventful drop off. The kid is used to being shuttled between parents and grandparents, so I highly doubt preschool and daycare are going to be a big deal to him.
The next scene is in what looks like the house in Grandma’s Boy and I realize its Farrah’s time to pull the carpet out from under her parents. In Farrah’s typical way, she just lays it out there and ends it with an attitude of “that’s what I want and that is final don’t say anything I don’t care what you think so just shut up and deal with it I hate you and you suck please get out of my face okay thank you you dumb bitch”. Debra asks what made her change her mind. Michael thinks it’s good and bad. Debra wants to know what’s going to happen when Sophia feels isolated because everyone that cares about her is gone.
It’s so hard for me to take a side in this family. On the one hand, Farrah is a giant pain in the ass, snot-nosed, ungrateful little wench who clearly never had her butt spanked or told “no” until it was all too late. Then, there’s Debra who not only raised this devil spawn, but seemed to do it while constantly attempting to manipulate Farrah into living her life the way Debra wants it. And then there’s Mr. Alligator Arms who is clearly the guy who wants to bear no responsibility and let his wife and daughter treat him like a superfluous member of the family. So much so, that he allows his daughter to call him by his first name. I think I hate this entire family. No, wait. I’m sure of it. I definitely hate this entire family. I’m very glad they live where it snows, which means they’re far enough away from me so I don’t have to worry about my son one day bringing home an unnaturally brown unibrowed girl who talks with a slackjaw named Sophia.
And now our soulful little show-end montage.
Wait…what’s this? Another episode? Already? Aw, hell. I had no clue it was going to be a double-fisted episode.
We open this second hour of Teen Mom with a 911 call. Apparently Amber called Gary wanting to hang herself and told him to call the police and let them know they can find her body in the garage. That’s a pleasant thought. I truly do sympathize with her, but you’re really going to call Gary for help? Isn’t he basically the reason you want to kill yourself?
And just as soon as we’re introduced to Amber’s literal cry for help, we are whisked away to fabulous Malibu. Amber is meditating with a Starbucks at Seasons. It looks as though Amber has been given a bindi that she decided to wear on her cheek. I’m thinking of it as the Malibu version of a jailhouse teardrop tat. She must be such a bedazzled badass.
And now we are introduced to a poorly styled spiritual therapist. Can you get a degree in that, or do you just make it up? You know, like a life coach. I’m going to invent a career that allows me to get paid a ton of money by rich people with no lives where I just sit around and eat. I could be called a “proxy culinary specialist”. I’ll eat the food of the rich so they can stay skinny. They can enjoy the food vicariously through my descriptions of the taste, texture, and even the after-effects. There will be skinny celebrities everywhere telling their stories to Us Weekly about how they stay thin by letting someone else eat their food. It’s like having a surrogate pregnancy just because you don’t want to get fat.