It’s time to say goodbye to our favorite f****ed-up parents. All problems will be resolved in a charming, mature, and loveable way. Maci and Ryan will stop being immature and fighting about custody in front of Bentley. Amber will stop popping pills and flying off the handle while Gary will go on a strict diet and start running daily. Farrah will take in all of the backlash from her behavior on these last four seasons and realize the error of her ways. She will start being respectful of everyone around her, admit to not giving a damn about Derrick, and give up her “music” career. Cate and Ty will move out of their trailer park and their small town and into a better place where they can focus on improving their lives – not for Carly, but for themselves. Because THEY deserve it. Butch quits coke, April never takes another drink, and they part ways, because it’s best for all involved.
Amber tells us that she hasn’t started her outpatient treatment yet, despite the fact that it seems as though she’s been out of treatment for weeks. Instead, however, she has decided to start dating some guy. Don’t sigh and roll your eyes – it’s the healthiest move, y’all. She opens the door for him and they share an awkward, awkward kiss. She still has the “Welcome Home” banner up at her place, which I guess is her attempt at pretending for our sake that she’s only been out of treatment for a couple of days.
Back at Gary’s, Big Bad Momma arrives to pick up Leah. Thank God, Gary decided not to wear the Annoying Orange shirt. He tells him mom that Amber has a new “boy toy”. Big Bad Momma is not a happy camper.
New Guy Mike is feasting on Italian food for the first time ever. He tells Amber that he has his own place at 21 years old, but that he’s been living on his own since he was 18. Amber shares that she’s been on her own since she was 17. Then she tells him that it was because she had a baby then. I’m sure he didn’t know that, what with the cameras all up in his face. Tarantulash shares her bitterness over it all, but she wants to move on and be happy. Instead of telling him that she has a pill addiction that’s ruined her life, she basically says that having a child did. Not to say that she DIDN’T say that she doesn’t love Leah, but she kind of alluded to the fact that she’d be happy and straight if she never got pregnant. You can say that, but it’s a little screwed up and traumatizing to say it in front of cameras on a very popular show that is probably shown across the world. She does, however, tell him that she has some felonies for domestic battery and he chokes a little bit.
Uh-oh. I knew there was something wrong with her with those eyelashes and glittery zits.