The Bachelor Recap: No One Deserves it More

Greetings, Gasmii! Welcome to the train wreck that started it all. That’s right, I’m talking about “The Bachelor.” This is the show we can all thank (blame) for every trashy dating show on television. Let’s get right to it, shall we?

It spreads like herpes.

The disembodied voice of Chris Harrison introduces us to Sean. He’s here this season for a second chance at love because “no one deserves it more.” I guess all those other guys that got dumped by Emily Maynard deserve to just wallow in heartbreak for the rest of their lives. Or, you know, move on and find someone in a normal setting. Sean tells us all about his heartbreak – he found love with Emily, was let down, and wants to find love again. Hey, did you know that Emily broke Sean’s heart? I had no idea. He never seems to even mention it. 

We spend a good while reliving Sean being dumped by Emily. Then we spend some time with his parents and his sister, brother-in-law, and his niece and nephew. It seems like Sean wants to fall in love because he feels left out around his parents and his sister and brother-in-law. That’s a terrible reason to want to get married. Then again, we know that Sean doesn’t make the best decisions. After all, he tried out for “The Bachelorette” and then agreed to star on this season.

The personification of “poor learning curve.”

I guess can’t give Sean too much grief. After all, I’ve tried online dating before. I did it for a while despite constantly getting messages from guys like this:

Communication is important to him.

At least Sean knows these ladies have gone through a psychological evaluation before they get to the house. 

Sean is cutting up some strawberries to prepare for a visit from Arie who competed for Emily with him on “The Bachelorette.” This is…awkward. Just a moment ago we saw the clip of Emily choosing Arie over Sean in that particular episode. They’re apparently in a little bromance now. The strawberries are quite the romantic touch. Basically, Arie just wants to give Sean a few dating tips. Really? He’s going to take dating advice from Arie? Emily didn’t pick him either!

My God, this is the most scripted conversation in the history of anything. Sean literally practices saying, “Will you accept this rose?” Fuck you, Sean. They also go over breakup techniques. Sean doesn’t think he can’t say, “It’s not you, it’s me” because it’s always going to be the girl. Fuck you again, Sean. If a girl is great and you just don’t have feelings for you, then it is you. It’s not something they did! We end the segment with Arie teaching Sean how to kiss. I hope Sean ignores this advice as well. If a guy ever came at my face like that, I’d probably grab my pepper spray.

Bad touch! BAD TOUCH!

It’s time to meet the women! First up is Desiree (Des). She’s a bridal stylist. I think that’s just a fancy term for “sells wedding dresses.” She wonders how her clients find their men. I can tell you how they didn’t – they didn’t go on a farce of a reality show! There’s just some fluff with Des putting on a wedding dress and hitting a chandelier with a bouquet. Awesome.

Tierra is up next. I already hate her because her name is Tierra. She has a few heartbreak stories herself! She and Sean are perfect for each other! She screams when she finds out that Sean is The Bachelor. I call bullshit on this reaction. Chris Harrison told us just a moment ago that these women signed up “specifically to become Mrs. Sean Lowe.” Either this reaction is staged or Chris lied to us. We all know that Chris is lying. These women did not sign up to meet Sean. They signed up so they could be on TV. I want Tierra to stop saying “family oriented.” We all know that’s just code for “baby crazy.” She tells the good news to her dog. 

One of these bitches be crazy!

We travel to Houston to meet Robyn. She doesn’t want to date engineers anymore. She calls herself “a little quirky.” She puts Post-It notes everywhere because she’s trying to learn Spanish – “the romantic, sexy language.” The only thing I ever learned how to say in Spanish was, “¿Dónde está la biblioteca?” I wasn’t too sexy with that. I don’t like her right away. She’s trying too hard to live up to the “quirky” label she gave herself.

Diana is the oldest of the bunch at 31. Well, she tells us she’s 30, but the screen tells me she’s 31. She’s off to a great start! Diana owns a hair salon in Salt Lake City. She’s this season’s single parent! I think this gives Diana a leg up on the rest of the ladies. We all know Sean’s biological clock is ticking! Her kids mean the world to her – so much that she’s leaving them for an undetermined amount of time to be on television. 

Sarah works in advertising as a designer. She only has one arm!

Giver her a hand, ladies and gentlemen!

Her umbilical cord amputated her left arm while she was still in the womb. Sarah is looking for a man to be her backbone. Oh, sweetie. You already have a backbone. Get him to be your elbow instead! I kid, I kid. I actually really like Sarah right away. I just hope that she doesn’t become the season’s sob story and talk about how difficult it is to fall in love when you’ve only got one arm. She wants to go on the show because she thinks it brings compatible people together. Sarah, you may want to take a look at this show’s track record before you say something like that.

It’s time to meet Ashley P. She has no idea why she’s still single. Gah! That’s something I hate more than anything – people questioning why they are or someone else is single. There is no “why” about that! You haven’t met someone you have feelings for that reciprocates those feelings. It’s just the way it is! Fuck off, Ashley. I hate you already. I hate her more when she tells us that there is a “special man” in her life – Christian Grey. Oh, for fuck’s sake! Can we just get rid of this one now?

50 Shades of Fucking Crazy!

Ashley P. wants to reenact scenes from the book. She wants to go “Anastasia on him.” So, she wants to be a submissive little twat? Apparently, “going Anastasia” means biting one’s lip. Got it. 

We go to DC where we meet Lesley. I should like her because I live in the DC area and I should root for the home team. However, I hate her already because she doesn’t like nerds or politicians, yet she talks all about how she’s “campaigning” for her and Sean to be together. Go to hell, Lesley. She’s from Arkansas and is a true southern girl. They show her some in a few scenes with an armful of files walking down the steps of the Lincoln Memorial. Did her boss send her to get the files from Lincoln’s lap? I’ve been working in DC for three and a half years and I’ve never had to do any official business at the Lincoln Memorial.

Kristy is a Ford model because of course there is a model. I think the show is required by ABC to feature a model each season. Frankly, I never trust models, singers, actresses, etc. on shows like this. They don’t even try to make us think they’re looking to fall in love. Their agents got them the gig. 

AshLee (fuck that name) is a professional organizer. Oh, she’s another sob story. She’s this season’s orphan. She was adopted at six. From what she says about her adoptive parents, they seem like really great people. Despite the heinous spelling of her name, it seems like she really has a healthy outlook on life. She knows that her life is pretty good because she has a family that loves her.

I like you, AshLee. Don’t screw this up.

I guess we’re not going to meet all the ladies before they get into the house. We’re going to jump right into the introductions. I find Sean kind of boring at this point. However, I will admit that the man looks good in a suit. He wears it well. 

AshLee is the first one to arrive! They exchange a few pleasantries and then she goes inside. That’s it. I guess she’s trying to wow him by being surprisingly normal.

Good strategy!

Jackie arrives next. She’s very tiny. She wants to put her “mark” on Sean before all the other girls. I’m worried that she’s going to pee on him, but she just puts on red lipstick and kisses his cheek. 

Just marking my territory.

Selma conveniently has a tissue in her cleavage that she uses to wipe the lipstick from Sean’s cheek. Nope. Not scripted at all. She just thought it would be a good idea to keep some Kleenex in her boobs.

It’s a good thing she didn’t spit in it first.

Leslie H. arrives. Apparently, she was also on the show “Take Me Out” with George Lopez. She doesn’t get an arrival picture. She gets this:

I smell a fame whore!

Daniella is a Commercial Casting Associate – she probably cast herself on this show. She teaches Sean a secret handshake. Yep. That’ll definitely win him over.

My handshake brings all the boys to the yard.

Kelly the Cruise Ship Entertainer wrote Sean a song. And she sings it. It was actually really cute. It’s definitely one of the more normal introductions. 

Oh, sweetie, “American Idol” is on Fox.

Yoga instructor Katie teaches Sean some poses…like putting his hands over his head. That’s about it. She is also barefoot. Ew. 

It’s a good thing a hair stylist is going to be in the house.

Oh, it’s Ashley P. She starts with “Have you read any good books lately?” She pulls a tie out of her boobs and suggest Sean teach her how to use it later. He has no idea what she’s talking about because he’s a man and has never read 50 Shades of Grey.

He can use it to hang himself to get out of spending any more time with Ashley P.

Taryn hasn’t watch the past few seasons. She thinks this is good because she has no preconceived notions about Sean. Taryn is a liar. There is no way that I would believe that every woman in this house hasn’t seen every single episode at least four times.

No on believes you’re just “here for love,” Taryn.

Catherine tells Sean she’s from Seattle. That’s it. It was so brief that there are literally no pictures of her arrival online.

It’s “quirky” Robyn! She starts by trying to do backflips over to Sean…and she fails. I wonder if that was the plan. They say that guys like to see flaws in a woman – it makes her human and more approachable.

Well played, Robyn. 

Lacey brought some lace cut into the shape of a heart…because people call her Lace. Get it?

I also enjoy coloring and macaroni art!

It’s Paige the Jumbotron Operator! She was on season three of “Bachelor Pad.” At least she’s honest with Sean about it. That should earn her some points.

Or get her kicked off very quickly.

It’s screaming Tierra! Thankfully, she does not scream when she meets Sean. She has a heart tattooed on her finger – and it’s open. She’s hoping he can fill the space. 

If it worked for Jane Seymour…

They stare at each other in awkward silence for a few minutes and then Sean goes inside for a moment. Teirra has no idea what is going on. She thinks that Sean is about to send her home. Sean goes to see Chris so he can bend the rules a little bit. He wants to give her a rose right away. 

Sean goes back outside to give Tierra a rose. He thinks that her energy is contagious. Syphilis is also contagious, Sean. That doesn’t mean it’s good. The women inside are PISSED!!! Catherine even says it’s “literally an animal attack on the eyeballs.” No, Catherine. It’s not literally an animal attack. You’re on my list.

Amanda is another model! How many does this guy get? She’s actually really charming and suggests that they take the “first date awkward silence” moment right away to get it over with. Right now, I’m rooting for Amanda.

I might have to steal that line, Amanda.

Keriann wants Sean to know that she drove over 2,000 miles just to be there. That sounds rather stalkerish.

The Proclaimers got nothing on me!

Des is back. She brought pennies so they could make a wish in the fountain. I agree with Sean. The fountain thing was kind of cute. 

You’re on my good side, Des…for now!

One-armed Sarah arrives! Yay! She is surprised to find out that Sean never imagined a television show like this would be how he falls in love. That’s good…because we all know he’s not going to fall in love. He’s going to pick one of the ladies, get engaged, and then break up a few months after the reunion special. Oh, wait. She was being sarcastic! +1 for that. Another +1 for not mentioning the missing arm right away. Perhaps she won’t be this season’s sob story.

Please don’t do anything to make me hate you.

Brooke arrives. That’s pretty much it. She’s rather boring.

At least she’s gorgeous and boring!

It’s Diana – our single mom who isn’t sure how old she is! For a hair stylist, her hair looks pretty busted. She could definitely do better than that. 

At least trim off the split ends!

Lesley – our DC girl who hates nerds and politicians has arrived with a football. She pretends to call a play so she can look at Sean’s ass. He thinks it’s a good trick. That’s not a good trick, Sean. That’s actually a really creepy trick.

Sean’s looking at an ass too!

It’s Kristy the Ford model! I hate her as soon as she says, “I thought this night was just about you and I.” The grammar nerd in me just wants to slap her and say, “You and ME!” She needs to stop calling herself “the best from the Midwest.” That’s going to get really old really quickly.

I wish I could think of some clever way to rhyme “worst.”

What?!?! Another model? This one is Ashley H. She introduces herself by saying, “Hi, Ken. I’m Barbie.” I roll my eyes so far back into my head that I can see down my throat.

Can we just pull the head off this Barbie and get it over with?

They women just keep coming! Is it over yet? Lauren tells Sean that her family owns an Italian restaurant. What do you want to bet that they just own an Olive Garden? Also, Lauren passes on a message from her dad – if Sean breaks her heart, daddy will break his legs.

Maybe daddy will buy you the rose you won’t be getting tonight.

And the crazy gets turned up to 11 as Ashley exits the limo in a wedding dress. Sean goes in for a hug, and Lindsay immediately kisses him. Wow. I don’t even know where to start with this one. She says that this is just her goofy side. Oh, sweetie – this is not goofy. This is straight up “Fatal Attraction.”

A less creepy representation of Lindsay.

Oh, good. That was the last of them…OR NOT! There is one more person. Chris informs Sean that there is one more person who requested to meet Sean here. A limo pulls up and it’s Kacie – from season 16 (with Ben). Dammit, Kacie! You know better than this! I liked you last season (up until you laid down in the hallway outside Ben’s door). Hell, I wanted Ben to pick you! I can’t like you after this. Kacie and Sean are friends. If she really wanted to date him, why didn’t she just ask him out? There is no way that I believe that she is here looking for love. I hope she goes home tonight. 

She’s actually here to eat Sean’s soul.

The other ladies immediately recognize Kacie. Des interviews that Kacie had her chance with Ben, “So what makes her think that something will work with Sean?” Oh, so that’s how it works. If it doesn’t work out with one guy, it doesn’t work out with every other guy in the world. Thanks for clearing that up, Des. That would explain why I’m single – it’s because my boyfriend when I was 14 broke up with me.

Kacie interviews that, had she not come on the show, she could miss out on someone she could spend the rest of her life with. You know what else may be causing her to miss out on “the one”? Spending all her time competing on dating reality shows. Maybe she should spend some time in the real word and try to meet people that way. 

Sean comes into the house to talk to the ladies. The women just sit around and gush about Sean. Selma gets deep: “Sean is my dream man. If I could just dream a man up, it would be him.” Thanks for that, Selma. I guess brains aren’t a requirement for this competition. Sean talks the the group and immediately brings up getting his heart broken by Emily. It would probably be a good idea for him to stop bringing up someone who is basically his ex!

Sean sits down with Kacie first – at least editing makes it look that way. Sean didn’t expect Kacie to show up and Kacie didn’t expect to be here. I’ve come to realize that, on this show, no one expects anything at all to happen. 

I didn’t expect to be staring into a camera at this moment. 

Sean offers Kacie his jacket while she ponders her chances of getting a rose. She tells him that she never expected to have fun with Sean the first time they hung out. Sean flat out admits that he didn’t initially have feelings for Kacie, but he’s open to exploring this possible relationship. In other words, Kacie has a contract for a certain number of episodes and Sean can’t kick her out right away.

After Kacie, Des has some time with Sean. Lindsay should take some advice from Des. The only time it’s acceptable to talk about wedding-related things with a guy the first time you meet him is if you actually work in the wedding industry. They actually seem to get along quite naturally. I’m warming up to Des. And with that, Sean gives her a rose. The other ladies are quite confused by the fact that two roses exists in this Bachelor universe. 

The collective IQ in this room is still below average.

Women keep coming back with roses. Sean is just giving them out willy-nilly. I’ve been wanting to use the phrase “willy-nilly” for a little while now. I’m glad Sean gave me the opportunity. The ladies wonder if Tierra’s rose was really the “first impression” rose because several other women also got one. Shut up, everyone. If he gives a rose to you based on the first impression you made this evening, it’s a “first impression” rose. You all have one. Who cares what it’s called?! AshLee explains that Tierra’s rose is just “the first rose” and not “the first impression rose.” Thanks for that semantics lesson, AshLee. Go learn to spell your name correctly.

Does this make me “The Bachelorette” or am I just “a bachelorette”? 

We don’t even get to see any details about any of the women getting roses. He’s just giving them out whenever he feels like it. It’s really freaking out the girls who don’t get them. With that, it’s time for Sean to sit down and talk to Lindsay. She’s worried that he didn’t understand the joke that was her showing up in a wedding dress. I think a lot of people didn’t understand the joke, Lindsay. She wants to show him that it was all just a way for her to be a big goofball, but she wishes she was more sober. Lindsay drunkenly makes Sean have their first dance. 

This is Sean’s uncomfortable face. 

Lindsay keeps talking about how goofy and funny she is, but none of that is evident. This whole thing just looks sad and desperate. I can kind of see where she wanted to go with this joke, but I think it sounds funnier on paper than it actually comes across in practice. 

Good news for Lindsay – Ashley P. is SUPER drunk! She starts dancing around the room. The phrase “bless her heart” is even thrown out about her. We all know what that means. Ashley P. then interrupts Paige and Sean as they’re talking. As she’s dancing in front of them, Sean explains to Paige that there is still a rose ceremony later. With that, Paige leaves and drunken Ashley P. takes over. You know things are going badly when the guy – whom you’ve only known for a few minutes – says that he brought a rape whistle just in case. 

This situation makes Lindsay look completely sane. 

Ashley P. then tells Sean that, when she first saw him on TV, she called her mom and told her she was going to marry Sean. Again, Des is the only person who is allowed to talk about weddings tonight! Just stop talking, Ashley P. You’ve done enough damage. Even people who don’t watch the show can see that you’ll be going home shortly. I feel uncomfortable for Sean right now. 

More roses are given out. More women are stressing out wondering if they’re going to get a rose at all. Taryn refuses to interrupt anyone to get time with Sean. She explains that she and her girlfriends don’t compete for the same man, so she’s not going to do it here. Taryn apparently missed the entire point of this show. Taryn, honey, these are not your girlfriends. These are 25 women that you don’t know who all want the same man you do. The whole point of the show is to compete for him!

With that, Sean comes over to Taryn and Brooke…and asks to talk to Brooke. I have to start laughing at Taryn when she’s crying alone on the steps about how she doesn’t want to fight for a guy. Someone needs to explain this show to her. 

Lose this show and THEN the guys will compete for you.

Sarah doesn’t want to be aggressive about it either. This is the sixteenth season of this show. I refuse to believe that the ladies had no idea what they were getting into. Then Sarah says the greatest thing I’ve ever heard in my entire life: “The only thing that comes to mind as to why I’m still single is because I only have one arm.” Just try to wrap your head around that statement. Don’t think about it too long or something in your brain will probably explode. I really should give Sarah a break. She’s going to have a rough time this season. She’s only half as humerus as the other women in the house.

She’ll just have to strong arm her way through the competition.

OK, I’m done with the arm jokes. I think it’s safe to say I’ve secured myself a lovely apartment in hell. My God, I hope this one lasts long enough to go on some adventurous date with Sean – like ziplining! OK, I’m done for real!

Sarah finally gathers her courage (drink) and walks off to find Sean. She tells him that she is open to talking about the fact that she only has one arm and that no one should feel uncomfortable about it. However, Sean doesn’t ask about it and Sarah doesn’t explain the story. She still gets a rose! I think we all saw that coming. You can’t kick off the chick with one arm on the first night!

With that, Chris calls everyone together for the first rose ceremony. At this point, I’m not sure who already has a rose – it’s not really clear who has been getting them all night. Taryn – who was afraid to talk to Sean all night – should be thanking God/the universe/science/whomever that there were so many complete nutbars on tonight’s show. She gets a rose despite not even talking to Sean. The last rose of the evening goes to crazy wedding dress Lindsay. 

Let the wining begin! Paige is disappointed that she’s done both “Bachelor Pad” and “The Bachelor” and has never gotten a rose. Take a hint, Paige. Kelly is sad that she’ll be remembered as the crazy girl who sang for Sean. First of all, Kelly, no one is going to remember you after this episode airs. Second of all, did you see some of the other girls? You will not be known as the crazy one. Lacey isn’t sure what Sean saw in the other girls that he didn’t see in her. Well, the others didn’t make him a lame heart-shaped doily. Kristy just wants to be in love. She’s crying way too much over some guy she’s known for all of a few hours.

But where is 50 Shades of Insanity, Ashley P? She’s busy dancing for us and telling us, drunkenly, that Sean doesn’t know what he’s missing.

I think she means “Sean dodged a bullet.” 

So, that’s the first episode the 17th season of “The Bachelor.” What do you think, Gasmii? Who are your initial favorites? Do you think Sean got rid of the right women? How many times do you think “here for the right reasons” will be said over the course of this season? 

*I want to apologize for any typos. It’s nearly 1 a.m. as I’m finishing this and I have just come down with a cold. I just can’t stare at the computer screen for another second. Trust me, my errors will bother me more than they could possibly bother anyone else.*