The Bachelor Recap: Now I’m Free – Free Fallin’

Ah, the second episode of “The Bachelor.” This is where things start to get interesting. Lets be honest, the first episode of this show is never anything super interesting. We get merely a few minutes with each of the girls. I wonder if Sean even knows all of their names yet.

Who are you again?

So, let’s get right into this episode. We open with Sean showering and telling us that he thinks his future wife is in the house right now. Sean really hasn’t been paying attention to the track record of this show if he truly thinks that his future wife is on it. I’m willing to let this wishful thinking slide because he is shirtless and, as much as I make fun of him, he really is nice to look at.

Sean really should just burn all of his shirts. He doesn’t need them.

Chris meets with the ladies to tell them how wonderful Sean is. He also says this he thinks this will work out for Sean. How many other times has he sees it working out for the Bachelor/Bachelorette? Chris really should stop making predictions. Before he leaves, he gives the ladies their first date card. The ladies seethe with jealously as Sarah gets the first date. She tells us that she’s excited. Then she reminds us that she only has one arm, but doesn’t think that means she won’t have fun. 

Of course, Sean arrives by helicopter to pick Sarah up for their date. Helicopter is apparently the only mode of transportation on this show. I wonder if there is a list somewhere that contains all the helicopter dates on this show. Hmm…I did a Google search, but nothing came back. Damn. Of all people, Kacie seems surprised by this. Really? Didn’t Ben travel everywhere by helicopter last season? Also, I need to point out something. All of the women have their occupations listed under their names whenever they are being interviewed. Instead of an occupation, Kacie just has “Ben’s Season.” Apparently that is how we are going to define her the entire time she’s on the show.

I guess it’s better than “Reality TV Whore” listed under her name.

 As the helicopter takes off, Sarah tells us that this one date is the biggest dream come true in her entire life so far. Sarah apparently has very low standards. She continues to tell us that she might seem unapproachable to guys because she only has one arm, however, “my ability to love somebody isn’t affected by how many hands I have.” The 16-year-old boy part of my brain giggles uncontrollably at that moment. Sarah thinks that this whole experience is a fairy tale and she’s ready to fall in love. Yeah, it’s just like a fairy tale…except that the odds are decidedly against her ending up with “Prince Charming.” There are still 18 women trying to get the exact same “fairy tale ending.”

Sean tells us that he and Sarah immediately clicked. He thinks it took a lot of courage to address the elephant in the room right up front. Although he says he didn’t need any explanation for Sarah’s arm, he thinks it’s endearing that she came right out with it. Oh, Sean. Just wait until you have to hear about it as much as the viewers do. It’s probably not as endearing when you realize it’s the only thing that she talks about.

The helicopter lands at the top of a skyscraper. They will be having a champagne toast…on the sidewalk below. They will be free falling 300 feet to have their champagne. Sean and Sarah are strapped in and hang out on the edge of the building. I hope no one was working inside the building that day. That would be terrifying if you didn’t know that two people would be plummeting past your window. Sean is crazy impressed that Sarah could handle the whole situation. He feels closer to Sarah because they  jumped off a building together. 

You make me want to jump off a building. Cheers.

Oh, hey, Sarah apparently brought a change of clothes for this date. Did someone put that dress in the helicopter for her? I didn’t see her bring a bag. She tells us that she’s proud of herself because she did the only thing in the world that could possibly scare her – she jumped off a building. Really? That’s the only thing that scares her? Sarah shares a story with Sean. She tried to go ziplining in Vegas with her dad. However, she couldn’t because it is illegal (in Nevada) for the company to allow anyone with a disability to go ziplining. I call BS on her actually being strapped in and ready to go before anyone told her that. There are a lot of regulations and waivers to sign before you do something like that. I have a feeling that she’s embellishing this story a little bit for the sake of drama. Also, was she really that surprised that she couldn’t go? Sarah explains that she saw the people barely holding on with two hands. Yes, it looks that way. However, I’ve been ziplining. You definitely need two hands. You use one hand to hold yourself steady (so you don’t spin in circles) and the other is used as a break so you don’t hit a tree (or whatever the ziplines are attached to in any given location). Sarah makes it sound like the company was trying to embarrass her when, in reality, they were probably just trying to cover their own asses. Had she gotten hurt, they could have been sued for negligence.

I have two hands and I still hit a tree.

Sarah tells Sean that, after the zipline incident, her dad told her that she would need a strong guy to stand by her side and be there for moments like that. The free fall meant a lot to Sarah because it means that Sean has faith her in. No, Sarah, it means that the producers had faith in you. We all know that Sean didn’t come up with that date on his own. Also, I really hate the notion that “being a man” means protecting a woman like Sean said. I liked him a lot up until that moment. Now he just seems condescending and patronizing. OK, I’m going to come down off my soapbox now. I’m not super offended at what Sean said, but it did make me roll my eyes pretty hard. Sarah is happy that Sean doesn’t seem to care at all about her missing arm. She goes on to say that it’s not what our bodies look like but what’s on the inside that really matters. I’m sure it doesn’t hurt that Sarah is ridiculously hot.

Sean is admiring Sarah’s cleavage soul. 

Meanwhile, back at the house, the next date card arrives. It’s a group date! Kristy, Amanda, Brooke, Leslie M., Daniella, Catherine, Robyn, Katie, Selma, Diana, Taryn, Kacie, and Tierra will be joining Sean the next day to “capture the romance.” Tierra is pissed off about having to go on a group date because she’s not here to make friends. I think that’s the first “not here to make friends” of the season! Thanks for breaking the seal, Tierra.

Back on Sean and Sarah’s date, he’s asking about her last serious relationship. Dammit, Sean! This is your first date with Sarah. You never bring up exes on the first date! You just don’t! Sarah explains that she dated a man for three years but they broke up because he wasn’t spontaneous and adventerous enough. I hope she realizes that all these crazy awesome and over-the-top dates are going to end once the show is over. After the relationship talk, Sean wants to take Sarah to one more place. That place is the other side of the rooftop where they’ve been sitting all night. Now that is spontaneity. Sean tells Sarah he had some pretty high expectations, but he had a lot of fun. With that, Sean gives Sarah a rose. Also, we have the first voluntary kiss of the season (Lindsay – the drunk wedding dress chick – doesn’t count). Sarah reiterates her thoughts that this is the perfect fairy tale. I really want to know what fucked up fairy tales she has been reading. Sarah also feels like she’s falling in love with him…after one date. That’s not romantic, Sarah. That’s creepy.

I have a feeling this will be used a lot this season.

My favorite part is when Sarah asks how she got so lucky. Well, Sarah, you auditioned for “The Bachelor.” You were hot enough and had a compelling enough back story to make for good television. That’s pretty much it.

It’s the next day and time for the group date! Tierra continues to brag about how she and Sean had an instant connection. I have a feeling she’s going to ride that wave the entire time she’s on the show. She gives us a few snaps in z-formation and says, “No girls are gonna get in my way!” I’m already annoyed with her. Katie, our yoga instructor, is just hoping that she doesn’t get overpowered by the stronger personalities.

As they pull up to the mansion and see Sean, Selma gets quite a glare from me because she says Prince charming is “literally” standing there to save her. I have a lot of anger when it comes to people who use literally incorrectly. Taryn thinks the house is beautiful, but the gorgeous guy in front of it makes it much better. I think I’d take the big house over the guy who is going to make out with a lot of other women while also trying to get to know me. 

Sean greets the ladies and explains that, today, they will be shooting covers for Harlequin romance novels. The woman who has the best chemistry with Sean will get a three-cover deal with Harlequin. So, we all know that either Amanda or Kristy (the two models) will be winning this, right? They are both paid to do this in real life.

I’ve totally never done this before! 

Sean is excited about today’s date because he’s going to get a chance to talk to a lot of different girls. Now, my knowledge of photo shoots like this is pretty much limited to “America’s Next Top Model” and “RuPaul’s Drag Race,” but I’m pretty sure there isn’t a lot of talking during stuff like this. I’m guessing it’s probably a lot more posing and smiling. I think this is just a chance for Sean to rub up on a lot of girls. Also, Kristy’s agent probably had this written into her contract.

Robyn says what I’ve been thinking for most of this episode – Tierra is just rubbing her the wrong way. Robyn bonds with her make-up artist who is picking up on the Tierra hate. This woman becomes my new favorite person on the show when she says, “Tacky hos are a dime a dozen!” We cut right to Sean telling Tierra he doesn’t think she has a catty side. This is when I realize that Sean might just be stupid. All women have a catty side! It’s what we do. Some of us don’t let it come out as often as others, but it’s always there. I think of myself as relatively drama free and I don’t like to say nasty things about other people, but I still think them from time to time! Put a group of women in competition with one another – especially for a man – and the cattiness will be exponentially greater.

The ladies are split into four different groups – cowgirls, vampires, sexy, and historical. Katie is one of the vampires and you can tell that she’s just miserable about this whole thing. She says, “I look like I’m going to an 80s rock concert, but I need some dental work.” Ha! I like her. It’s a shame that her attitude will probably get her kicked off pretty quickly. 

Diana, a cowgirl, is up first. She gets to rip open Sean’s shirt. The other ladies look on and scream with approval. You know, if the roles were reversed and this was “The Bachelorette,” people would get really pissed off at guys ripping of a woman’s clothing. However, if we’ve learned nothing from this franchise, is that men are flattered when they are treated simply as a piece of meat.

The horse is a metaphor for how Sean is hung.

Sean says that Lesley M. has made a big impression on him today and he’s seeing a different side to her. Yes, it is a different side – it’s the “dressed like a slutty cowgirl” side. In fact, the two share a kiss in front of all the other ladies. Now, Sean has been interviewed about this since the episode aired. He said it was awkward to kiss Lesley M. with twelve other women watching. I wonder if he realizes that millions of people are watching him kiss different people every week. Lesley M. can see that Tierra is pissed off about the kiss. She tells us that, “The eye of the hurricane is coming.” I guess Lesley M. doesn’t realize that the eye of the hurricane is the calmest part of the storm, so the eye of the hurricane coming is actually a pretty good thing.

We pretty much gloss of the historical and vampire groups. All the while, Tierra is complaining that she’s here to get to know Sean and not to be nice to the other women. She and Sean have their photo shoot and it seems relatively unremarkable. With that, it’s time for Kristy to show the others how it’s done. All of the others (except Tierra because she is proving to be a psycho hose beast) admit that Kristy knows what she’s doing and that the photos are hot. Is anyone even a little bit surprised that Kristy – the model – won the photo shoot challenge?

Once again, Tierra tells us that she is there for Sean and “not to play dress up.” Then she does something unforgivable – she refers to herself in the third person. “I’m going to show him what Tierra really wants.” That’s it. I can deal with cattiness is a situation like this show. I can deal with a woman being a bitch. I can not handle people referring to themselves in the third person. Tierra is officially on my shit list and I hope she gets kicked off quickly. She’s really gotten a lot of screen time in the first two episodes. I hope this means she gets kicked off early. 

Dead to me. 

After the photo shoot, Sean and the thirteen ladies are going to have a pool party. As Sean and the ladies head over the pool, Kristy tells us that she’s so happy that she won a contract today. Forget being happy about the fact that she had the best chemistry with Sean…the reason they’re all there. For Kristy, this is all about furthering her modeling career. That should come as a shock to absolutely no one. As an afterthought, she hopes the contract comes with a rose. We also get some face time with Kacie who keeps saying she wants to see where things go with Sean and hopes to get a rose tonight. I’m still just wondering why she didn’t just call Sean up and ask him out. There really is no excuse for Kacie being on this show again. 

Lesley M. pulls Sean aside for a little chat. She tells the camera that she and Sean have a good thing going. I don’t think you can say you “have a good thing going” when the man is dating 18 other women. They head inside and Lesley M. asks if Sean has any tough questions for her. He wants to know why she’s there. She doesn’t answer, but just wants to stare at Sean. Apparently, that makes Sean like her more. They almost kiss, but don’t, and then they just go back outside. How does Lesley M. think that this means it went well? They sat in silence for the entire time. 

They spoke more during the photo shoot!

After Lesley M. heads back into the house, Sean spends some time with the other women. The whole time, Lesley is wondering if she should grab Sean and just kiss him. She finally decides it’s time to make a move. Daniella, the weird handshake girl, is pissed Lesley M. for this. She knows that they’re just going to make out. Oh, shut up, Daniella. At least Lesley M. tried to do something to show affection. You and Sean just probably played Pattycake again.

Oh, great. It’s Kacie’s turn. She said that she never thought she’d be on this show again and she’s only doing it for Sean. They’re having the friend zone talk. Sean tells Kacie that he had a great time when they were at an event together in New York, but he thought they were just friends. I think Kacie should have taken the hint. If Sean had actually wanted to date her, maybe he would have called her personally. I have a feeling Kacie’s second time around is just a way to set her up as the next “Bachelorette.” Sean tells Kacie that he’s excited that she’s there. Wow. He flat out admits that she’s in the friend zone and he has to “shift her over.” However, Sean still wants to explore whatever they have. Holy shit! Kacie is only 25? That chick is a hard 25. 

There is no way this woman is half a decade younger than I am.

Kacie thinks that getting a rose tonight would mean that Sean wants to get to know her and explore their relationship further. I think it just means either Kacie is contracted to appear on a certain number of episodes or Sean doesn’t want to look like a douche canoe by kicking off a fan favorite so early. 

Sean takes some time with Catherine. She pulls out the joke, “I’m vegan, but I love the beef.” I bet it took her years to come up with that one. Well, either that or she stole it from some 14-year-old kid. Sean laughs like it’s the funniest joke he’s ever heard. Sean has low standards. After that brief moment, Sean spends some time with Selma saying that she could possibly be his wife. That’s kind of creepy to say this soon after meeting someone. I’m starting to think that Sean is just desperate to get married. 

Meanwhile, Daniella is commenting on the moods of the other girls. She tells us that Katie is awkward (we saw that at the photo shoot). Daniella says that she doesn’t really know Teirra that well, but she’s always moping. The other girls are trying to get Tierra to come talk to them, but she just wants to be by herself. When she and Sean go off to talk, he admits that he noticed how bothered Tierra was after the photo shoot. He doesn’t want her to be worried. 

Tierra tells Sean that she came on the show because she was blown away by what she saw in him on Emily’s season. That is bullshit! We saw the moment that Tierra was told that Sean was “The Bachelor.” She auditioned for the show before she knew it was him. I wish she would just own up to that and say something like, “I auditioned for the show because I wanted to fall in love and I was beyond thrilled when I found out I was meeting you.” 

If you’re going to lie, at least be good at it!

Tierra basically gives Sean the “I’m not here to make friends” speech. We find out that Sean is a terrible judge of character when he tells Tierra that he thinks she’s sweet and just has a good energy about her. Oh, wait until he actually watches the show. He stops just short of saying, “You’re not going home tonight.” Maybe my hatred for Tierra is a bit harsh. However, from certain angles, I just can’t help be see that Tierra looks a lot like last season’s uber-bitch Courtney.

Terrifying.

Back in the Bachelor house, the doorbell rings and another date card arrives. Jackie (who I TOTALLY forgot was even on this show) wants to go on this one-on-one date because tomorrow is her birthday. Ouch. Jackie will NOT be going out with Sean on her birthday. Instead, Desiree will be spending a whole day alone with Sean. I can’t be too sad for Jackie. I really like Desiree. The card says, “Love is priceless.” The ladies try to figure it out and the only thing they can come up with is “jewels.” Seriously? Jewels are the furthest thing from “priceless.” Apparently there was not an intelligence test to get on this show.

On the group date, Katie is feeling more and more uncomfortable in this situation. She says that when she’s surrounded by strong personalities, she retreats rather than trying to compete. What the hell did Katie think she was getting into when she auditioned for this show? Did she think Sean would just take one look at her and tell all the other ladies to just go home? I know that it’s hard to fully comprehend a situation until you’re in it. However, if you’re not comfortable competing with other women, DON’T SIGN UP FOR “THE BACHELOR!” When Katie finally gets a moment to talk to Sean, she tells him that she’s not adjusting well. Sean tries to reassure her that he felt the same way when he was on “The Bachelorette.” Oh, man. Katie gives Sean the “it’s not you, it’s me” speech. Well, this move makes her the smartest woman on this entire season.

This may be the best decision you’ve ever made, Katie. 

Sean seems genuinely understanding. He walks her to the car and says goodbye. This is the moment I start to actually like Sean. It says a lot about a man when he handles a rejection dignity rather than throwing a temper tantrum. +1 for Sean. The ladies are all sitting around talking about Katie’s departure. Kacie thinks that Katie left out of respect for the other girls and is allowing them to have more time with Sean. I’m pretty sure Katie left because she couldn’t stand the other girls, not because she respects them. I like Kacie less and less each time she speaks.

When Sean comes back to the group, he has the rose in his hand. He admires the courage that it took for Kacie to come back to the show a second time and gives her the rose. The Kacie makes a toast while Tierra tells us that she wants to punch Kacie. For once, Tierra and I agree.

The next day, Sean meets with Chris to set up his date with Desiree. They have set up a prank because Sean wants someone with a good sense of humor. They’re in an art exhibit. One of the pieces of art will come crashing down and shatter on the floor during the date and Desiree will believe it’s all her fault. Sean meets with the “gallery owner,” “the artist,” and “the photographer.” There are cameras all around the room where Desiree will end up alone. Chris and Sean will watch Desiree’s reaction in another room. Then I down my glass of wine because Sean tells us he wants to be married to his best friend (thanks for the new game, Considerthis!). 

I guess there wasn’t enough money in the helicopter budget, because Desiree arrive at the gallery in a limo. I have to say, Desiree looks pretty great tonight. She’s really got a Rashida Jones thing going on with her look. That’s always a favorable comparison. Anyway, Sven “the artist” is introduced as well as his piece Poulet un Petit. Freetranslation.com tells me that it means “a small chicken.” It would be funny if Desiree spoke French and just started laughing at that. 

I totally get a chicken vibe from this. 

Sean is remembering how sweet Desiree is and is second guessing the whole prank thing. He better not decide against the prank. Without that, this is the most boring date in the entire history of the “The Bachelor.” Oh, good. Sean is still pulling the prank, but a part of him feels bad about it. The “gallery owner” invites Sean and Desiree to have a special sneak peak of Sven’s art in the work room. This is where they’re told that Poulet un Petit is worth $1.5 million. While they’re admiring the work, one of the producers pulls Sean away and Desiree is left alone with our “gallery owner.” Apparently, this small chicken is Sven’s response to the Chernobyl disaster. I’m sure the victims are happy to have this chicken.

The sculpture will look awesome right next to the eerie Ferris wheel. 

The “gallery owner” leaves to get the “photographer” to take a few pictures of Desiree with the stained glass little chicken art. As Desiree sits down on a stool, the sculpture goes crashing to the ground and shatters all over the floor. As she walks toward the door, the “photographer” walks in. She assures him that she didn’t touch anything, but it probably would be more believable if she wasn’t about to burst into laughter. The “artist” comes in and Desiree is still trying to defend herself. Sven just stares daggers at her.

I’m pretty sure Desiree just shit herself.

Sean is feeling terrible, so he goes back to the work room to save Desiree. He reveals the joke to Desiree and she bursts into laughter. Apparently, the sculpture really only cost $5. Since Desiree took the joke so well, she and Sean go back to his house to have dinner. I didn’t realize that Sean had his own house during this whole process. For some reason, I always assumed the guys just stayed with the ladies in the house. Anyway, at dinner they just talk about their families. It seems they come from similar family situations. Sean tells Desiree that he wants to be with his best friend (DRINK!). 

And now it’s time for a sexy hot tub moment. Desiree tells us that there is no science to falling in love…except that there is. There are pheromones and chemical reactions and a lot of other things I don’t even pretend I understand but I’ve definitely read about. Also, just like with Sarah, it’s creepy to talk about falling in love with someone after one date. Argh! They’re talking about marriage as well! Stop bringing up marriage on a first date! It doesn’t scare Sean that badly because he offers Desiree the rose. She tells us that she already feels like Sean his her boyfriend…her boyfriend who is also dating 18 other women. Awesome.

He was thinking about at least four other women right here.

It’s time for the cocktail party before the rose ceremony. Sean wants to spend time with the ladies he didn’t get to go out with over the last few days. He tells us that he thinks he knows who is going to send home because there are two that he doesn’t see long term potential with them. With that, Sean asks Lindsay (the wedding dress chick) to spend some time with him. Lindsay apologizes for the first impression that she made. They have an unremarkable chat. Once again, it’s just about the family again. Lindsay tells Sean she wants to (wait for it) marry her best friend! (DRINK!) 

We get a montage of Sean talking with different women before Sean spends some time with Diana (the single mom). As they walk off, the other ladies tell us that they feel really uncomfortable around Amanda. Desiree asks Amanda how she’s feeling and she’s met with this look:

This will haunt my nightmares.

Amanda doesn’t even say anything. She just stares. It’s really beyond creepy at this point. I understand that you may not want to be all buddy-buddy with the women who you’re trying to beat, but you can at least be cordial and polite. Daniella tells us tonight is “literally a tornado of negativity.” Can we start drinking every time one of the girls uses the word “literally” incorrectly? 

Robyn notices what we’ve all notice this season – that the show is more culturally diverse. She’s wondering if tonight will show that Sean has a physical type. She flat out says that she wants to know how race plays into what Sean wants in a woman. Simply, she doesn’t know if he is attracted to black women, so she decides to ask him. Sean is actually pretty happy that the question came up. He knows that people assume that, because of the way he looks, he likes white women with blond hair. However, he tells Robyn that he doesn’t have a type. Apparently, when producers asked him what he looked for in a woman physically, he said, “It doesn’t matter.” He’s dated women of all different races and ethnic backgrounds and he’d rather base a relationship on personality. I can see where he’s coming from there. I’ve told people that I don’t have a “type” when it comes to the way a man looks. Most people don’t believe me. Then I show them pictures of the guys I’ve dated and you can really see that I don’t have a type. I will say that both Sean and Robyn handle this delicate topic quite well.

Nothing snarky. Well done, both of you. 

We continue this tour of the world with Selma teaching Sean to say something in Arabic. Sean says, “I’m fluent in Farsi, but I don’t know Arabic.” Then he admits he was kidding. Sean has a weird sense of humor. Anyway, jokes aside, Selma teaches Sean to say “you are very beautiful” in Arabic. Cute. Selma finds it flattering that he is learning about her culture. I don’t think she should feel too flattered. She didn’t really give him much of a choice. She literally said, “I’m going to teach you something.” It’s not like Sean asked her about her culture. Also, there is something odd about Selma’s face and I can’t quite put my finger on it. Don’t get me wrong, she’s gorgeous. It just looks like she’s had a bit of work done and it’s starting to border on “too much work.” I could be wrong. It could just be that she’s wearing a lot of make up (as women on this show tend to do).

Does anyone else see it? 

Meanwhile, the women are still trying to figure out Amanda and her shitty personality. I wish they’d just drop it already. Anyway, Sean comes to talk to Amanda and she perks right up. That’s to be expected. He’s the one she wants to talk to. Sean asks her how she liked the group date. She says she had fun and then asks Sean what he wants in a partner. We don’t hear is answer, but we can assume that he tells her he wants to marry his best friends. Let’s just take a drink there for good measure. All the while Sean and Amanda are talking, the other women are complaining that she’s manipulating him him and she’s not “there for the right reasons.” First of all, linking one person and nother another isn’t manipulation. Second of all, no one says anything about what they think the reason is for Amanda being there. At this point, everyone is just throwing out reality TV cliches. With that, it’s time for the rose ceremony.

 Sean tells the ladies that he doesn’t have any clear answers. We know that Kacie, Sarah, and Desiree all have roses. The first rose tonight goes to AshLee. Was she even in this episode? I don’t remember seeing her at all. Lindsay gets the second rose. Robyn is called third. Jackie, Lesley M., Selma, Catherine, Kristy, Leslie H. (in a weird lace turtle neck dress), Tierra, Taryn, and Daniella all get roses. It’s down to Brooke, Amanda, and Diana for the final rose. You can almost feel the anger of the other ladies as Amanda is given the last rose. 

Brooke and Diana are going home. Brooke takes the loss with dignity. She simply says that Sean is a great guy who has a lot to offer. He’s just not the guy for her. She doesn’t shed any tears. Good for her. Sean tells Diana that he didn’t feel right keeping her away from her kids if he didn’t see something long term with her. Another +1 for Sean. That’s the respectful thing to do. She babbles something about not being enough for Sean. 

So that’s the end of episode two. What do you all think? Did the right ladies go home? Is there anyone you think should have stayed?