The Bachelor Recap: Tell Me Something I Don’t Know

Greetings, Gasmii! We’re almost done with “The Bachelor.” Before we can find out who Sean will propose to, date for a little while, and then ultimately break up with, we have to sit down with all the women (minus Catherine and Lindsay) and Sean to find out what we didn’t see on the show. Well, we’ll hear about the stuff that the producers will let us hear about. In other words, we’re not really going to get anything good. Also, I apologize for a lack of photos from this episode. Since it really was just two hours of people talking, there aren’t a lot of photos out there. I’ll just sub in pictures of cats – this is the internet, after all.

This is what you get when you Google “The Bachelor cat.”

 OK, let’s get right into it. Really? This was the “most dramatic season” of this show? Honestly, this one seemed pretty scripted and predictable. Anyway, let’s find out what Sean’s harem has to say about him and this show. Chris Harrison comes out and asks the audience about Sean and Sean without a shirt. The audience cheers. Why is it OK to treat this guy like such a piece of meat? Had they done this with any of the the Bachelorettes, there would be a huge public outcry about how we objectify women. Ah. Double standards are nice.

Oh, dear God! Can’t we just get into this? I don’t want to see Sean and Chris go door to door to crash viewing parties. Why didn’t they come to my viewing parties? I was there with my friends vodka and wine. It would have been a blast. Honestly, I didn’t realize that people actually had parties like this. I wonder if it’s just a bunch of ladies that tried out for the show and didn’t make it so ABC gave them a little bit of TV time as a consolation prize. Seriously? They go to a sorority house? There is a lot of screaming when Sean goes into the room. So, I lied about Sean staying fully clothed. That lasted all of five minutes.

Shut up, Chris.

OK, it’s finally talk to the women. Ha! Kacie is still described as “Ben’s Season” rather than any occupation. I guess being on ABC’s payroll is her occupation now. First we get some flashbacks of the women asking Sean to be half-naked. At least Ashley P. (50 Shades of Drunk) seems to have a good sense of humor about her drunken antics. She laughs at all the flashbacks. The first woman we’re going to talk to is Des. Chris wants to know if she anticipated the drama. Des proves that she’s never seen “The Bachelor” or any reality show for that matter when she says that she expected all of the women to be friendly and cordial. I think Des might be a little bit stupid.

The Bachelor Brain Trust, ladies and gentlemen.

Lesley M. chimes in and tells us that she knew there would be plenty of drama, but she tried to stay out of it. Chris wants to know if they all got along because of a mutual hatred for Tierra. Selma tells us that everyone tried to be nice to Tierra and asked her to “hide her crazy.” AshLee talks about the big fight in St. Croix. Apparently, Tierra and AshLee were friends in the beginning, so she wanted to confront her as friend. Lesley M. jumps in again to tell us that “Tierra’s sparkle didn’t sparkle that big.” What a missed opportunity. There are so many ways to be clever with that and Lesley just dropped it. Dammit, Lesley!

It’s not like Sean kept her around for her wit.

Chris brings up Tierra’s fall down the stairs. AshLee flat out says that she thinks it was fake. Lesley M. also thinks that the frostbite at Lake Louise was fake. Then Brooke (who?) jumps in to try to defend Tierra. She says that the show is about seizing opportunities to get attention and spend time with Sean. Brooke thinks that all the other ladies are just mad they didn’t think of it first. Right. Because throwing yourself down a flight of stairs is a perfectly normal way to get a guy to notice you. Even the audience thinks that Tierra’s injuries were fake. It’s not so much that everyone thought the injuries were fake, but they all thought she milked it for all it was worth. Robyn (who has a really cute new haircut) thinks that Tierra was the main reason she was eliminated. Robyn admits that she regrets focusing so much time and energy on Tierra when she could have been paying attention to Sean. Chris tells us that Tierra is back stage. We got to commercial right before Tierra makes her appearance. 

Exactly how I feel about Tierra’s appearance.

And we’re back! I made sure to refill my vodka before this moment. I have a feeling I’m going to need it. Chris asks us to actually give Tierra a chance to speak. I guess we’ll see what happens. She gets out there, and there is dead silence. I guess Tierra’s sparkle made everyone mute. Huh. You were all right. The dent is gone. You can still see a slight mark where it was, but it’s definitely been filled in. I guess Tierra got the name of AshLee’s plastic surgeon. Chris wants to know if Tierra thought that she’d be the bitch of the show. I love that Tierra says “Yes and no.” Tierra tells Chris that she brings joy and light into a room when people aren’t judging her based on what she looks like. That doesn’t even make sense. 

Tierra squints to try to see the point in her statement.

She continues to tell Chris that she’s nervous in front of all the other women. She kind of brought that all on herself. Tierra explains that the women hated her from the beginning because she got a rose immediately upon leaving her limo. Chris points out that no other women who got roses on dates got targeted as much as Tierra did. She tells us that she wasn’t there to make friends.  Yes, that’s a go-to phrase on shows like this, but Tierra has a point. She didn’t come on this show to be a part of a sorority. She came on the show to meet Sean and (for lack of a better word) woo him. Granted, that didn’t mean that she had to be the twat that she was, but she didn’t have to be best friends with anyone. Apparently, Sean even told Tierra not to worry about anyone else. Chris asks Tierra why should couldn’t at least be friendly. Tierra just rambles on again about how she kept to herself and felt like the other women ganged up on her. She explains that all the women in the house talked about each other, but she never did herself. Yes, she never seemed to talk about one girl specifically in any of her confessionals, but she did say a lot about all the other women in general. Shut up, Tierra.

Someone please put the dent back in her forehead.

Chris wants to know if Tierra is normally “misunderstood.” Tierra says that situations like this don’t happen in her real life. When given the opportunity to apologize or express regret, Tierra says that there is nothing. She asks for an example of any time she spoke badly about anyone. Apparently she doesn’t remember her song about AshLee being a cougar and how she talked down to AshLee because she’s 32 and not married with a family. We go to another commercial before the ladies have a chance to confront Tierra. 

We’re back and it’s time for the ladies to confront Tierra. Robyn starts. She says what we’ve been saying all season – Tierra is delusional. Jackie (another who?) says something that doesn’t really have anything to do with anyone. She calls Tierra fake. Selma jumps in and is the voice of reason for a moment when she tells us that she told the other women to just leave Tierra alone if she doesn’t want to be friends with them. She tells us something familiar – she would say “Good morning” to Tierra and Tierra would just give her a look and walk away. That was the moment that Selma stopped defending Tierra. Tierra doesn’t remember ignoring the other women when they would say hello to her. According to Des and Selma, Tierra thought that the women were talking about her any time they would speak to one another. Not only is Tierra delusional, she is paranoid as well. 

Tierra points out a moment when she was friendly. She says that she helped Leslie H. pick out her outfit for her date with Sean. Leslie H. then says that this was the only time the Tierra actually spoke to her. Oh, shut up, Leslie. Tierra only talked to you that once because you went home a few hours later. You can’t say that someone was mean to you when you were only on the show for about three episodes!

This is the only picture I could find of this woman.

We continue to talk about Tierra not greeting people. Why does Brooke give an opinion? She spent all of a few hours in the house. The whole argument goes in circles for a while. Tierra wasn’t there to make friends, the other girls wanted her to be friends, the end. It’s time for another commercial before we talk about the big fight between AshLee and Tierra in St. Croix. When we come back, Tierra explains that she just wanted to talk to AshLee about what had been said to Sean. There is a lot of arguing about semantics. They call each other liars then there are more arguments about semantics. Then Tierra says something that makes me laugh. She says that AshLee ganged up on her in St. Croix. How does one person gang up on another person. Aren’t multiple people required to be a “gang”? Shut up, Tierra. The word “bully” is thrown out a lot. 

Chris asks Lesley M. about the confrontation in St. Croix. Lesley thinks AshLee was tough, but it was time that someone got tough with Tierra. Why is Selma still talking? This whole confrontation had absolutely nothing to do with her! Shut up, Selma. Tierra gives a half-assed apology. Can we be done with this one already? I just can’t any more. Chris says that Tierra has a strong viewer reaction – especially Tierra not being able to control her eyebrow. Apparently, it has its own Twitter. Seriously? I think I have to quit Twitter because of that. It probably has more followers than I do. Oh, hey, Tierra was “Little Miss Nevada” and her dad told her she had a sparkle. That’s where that stupid line comes from.

This is more “spackle” than “sparkle.”

Speaking of sparkle, Tierra is engaged and has a giant rock on her finger! They had dated before she was on the show, they broke up, and now they’re engaged. Chris wants to know if she’s heard the rumors that her engagement is a hoax, but Tierra explains that he’s real. I guess she was on a “Bachelor Break-Up” like Selma.  

Selma’s body looks so disturbing in this photo.

Now we’re going to Sarah. You remember Sarah. She had one arm and that’s all she ever talked about. Well, she still only has one arm. I guess we’re going to hear about that tonight because, so far, nothing new has come out on this episode. Chris calls her up to the hot seat. We get a flashback of Sarah and Sean’s first meeting. It seems Sarah never expected to meet a man as wonderful as Sean. That doesn’t make any sense. Did she come on the show expecting to meet a total ass hole? We go through their entire relationship – the first meeting, the first date, Sarah falling down at the roller rink, and then Sean dumping her in Canada. I know Sarah was hurt by getting dumped like that, but at least Sean respected her enough to break up with her rather than just having her hang out through the entire rose ceremony and then just not get a rose. This was one of the few moments on the show where it didn’t seem like a game. Sarah should consider herself lucky that he treated her so well (in the context of this show).

Sarah talks about how guys keep dumping her because they don’t have feelings for her. Oh, shut up, Sarah. First of all, she told us that SHE was the one who ended her last relationship because she didn’t have feelings for the other guy. Second, people get dumped. You’re not the only woman who gets told, “I’m just not feeling it.” Personally, if a guy doesn’t have feelings for me, I want him to tell me so I can move on with my life. Her “woe-is-me” attitude is just getting so old. Argh! She even says that guys string her along. No, they are not leading you on if they are honest and tell you that they don’t have feelings for you. That’s what decent human beings do when they’re not romantically interested in someone. I just can’t with this one anymore. Sarah is dead to me.

Here’s an award, Sarah. Now stop your damn whining.

Then Sarah thinks it’s because she only has one arm. Of course she does. She keeps whining and saying she doesn’t understand why she’s still single. She needs to stop worrying about it. What the hell happened to Sarah? She used to be so charming and likable. Now she is acting like a 15-year-old emo kid. Chris wants to know how Sarah is going to move on from not winning “The Bachelor.” I wish Sarah would just say, “I didn’t win the chance to be Sean’s ex-fiance. It’s no big deal. I’ll meet a guy eventually.” However, she doesn’t. She talks about how much she learned about being open and vulnerable and I just keep banging my head on the table. I need some more vodka.

It’s time for Des to hang out with Chris for a while. We hear all about how she was a fan favorite and a Sean favorite and then there was the hometown date where her brother was a colossal douche nozzle. There is a flashback of the Sean/Nate confrontation. Then we see Des’ elimination. This entire show is 90% flashbacks! Des explains that she thought she and Sean had more of a connection than the other girls. I’m sure all the other girls thought the same thing. Des continues that she wants the same relationship her parents have. 

Chris asks about what happened with Nate on the hometown date. According to Des, Nate was protective of her because he was skeptical about the show. She tells us that what we saw wasn’t the way that her brother really is. However, Des thinks that her brother’s temper tantrum is the reason that Sean didn’t pick her. Personally, I think that the producers of the franchise saw how charming Des is and decided it would be best to make her the next Bachelorette so Sean dumped her. Honestly, in this interview, she and Chris all but say that it’s going to be her. 

I’d put money on it.

OK, everyone – brace yourselves. It’s time for everyone’s favorite “Fatal Attraction” girlfriend – AshLee! We get a nice little flashback of AshLee’s delusional journey through “The Bachelor.” As AshLee watches the footage, we see her smile. She really is over-botoxed. Her eyebrows don’t move. She and Tierra really are opposites when it comes to facial expressions. We get some more of AshLee’s inspirational calendar quotations. As always, she doesn’t have a single original thought. From what AshLee says, Sean was telling her that she would meet his family and get along so well with his sister. This is why AshLee was so pissed off that night. However, she doesn’t tell us that she is no longer in love with Sean and she’s trying to move on. AshLee says what helped her was watching the way Sean interacted with the other women and seeing that he wasn’t exactly who she thought he was. With her, he was a “southern gentleman,” but kind of acted like a “frat boy” with the other ladies. Oh, AshLee. He acted like a frat boy with you too. She just wants to know why he changed his mind about her.

We come back from commercial and Sean is here! It’s finally time for AshLee to confront him. I hope she was reading some demotivational posters in preparation for this.

Hahahaha! Just as Sean came out on stage, my cat threw up. She knows exactly what’s going on. So, yes, Sean comes out and tells us that he’s happy to see all the women because he has fond memories of all of them. Chris brings up AshLee immediately and invites AshLee to come down and speak with Sean. She just wants to know what happened and why Sean let her go. He explains that he had a great first date with her and he still thinks about that night. I hope his fiance is pissed about that. Anyway, Sean didn’t want AshLee to leave without closure, but he knew that he was going to break her heart. She was the front runner the whole time, but she just didn’t become Sean’s “best friend” and they didn’t laugh together enough. That seems like just a nice way of saying, “You know, you were just way too intense and clingy for me! I was afraid you’d boil my pet rabbit.”

AshLee says what hurt the most was that Sean never came back and checked on her after the elimination. Why would he? Essentially, Sean broke up with AshLee. He owes her nothing. Also, AshLee specifically told Sean, “Stay right there” when she was leaving. She made it quite clear by leaving without saying a damn word that she didn’t want anything more to do with him. Sean’s explanation made a lot of sense. He’s been in AshLee’s situation before. Had Emily checked on him after she dumped him, it would have just made it worse. He didn’t want to put AshLee through that. I stop listening to AshLee the minute she says, “But you’re a gentleman. You’re supposed to be the man here.” Can we please get AshLee off my screen? I can’t handle this much crazy right now because I’m all out of vodka. Even the audience is giving AshLee “dafuq?” looks.

Sean’s just happy he gets to stare at her boobs one last time. 

AshLee further accuses Sean of saying some things on her overnight date that led her to believe that she was the one. He explains that, in a situation like “The Bachelor,” you end up developing feelings for multiple people at the same time. However, AshLee wants to know why Sean told her that he didn’t have feelings for Lindsay or Catherine. Oh, snap! Well, this turns into a big “he said, she said” moment. AshLee keeps accusing him, Sean says he’d never say that. Just watching this, I kind of believe AshLee because Sean just gets flustered when she brings it up. Then again, AshLee has been all types of delusional this entire time, so I don’t know what she’s capable of doing. I have to say, I love that a tweet flashes on the screen that says, “AshLee, here’s what happened: He didn’t pick you. The end.” To whomever wrote that, I kind of love you a little bit. Well done. There is some super scripted moment between Sean and AshLee that’s supposed to be behind the scenes. It looks so fake. In fact, they both look like they’re about to burst into laughter.

We come back from commercial for real and we’re STILL talking about what happened in the Fantasy Suite with AshLee. Sean says that he must have said something that misled AshLee and he’s sorry for that. After that, it’s time for Sean to talk to Des. According to Sean, he still smiles when he thinks about her. Again, I hope his fiance is watching him say that. Des seems to handle this with good humor. I’m sure she’s just thinking about the 25 guys that she’s soon going to be able to choose from. They rehash the brother thing again and it’s really nothing we haven’t heard before. 

And now there are bloopers. It’s just a lot of things falling over. It’s kind of stupid. It ends with a naked Sean gag that’s really not funny at all. After that moment, we talk about what’s going to happen next week – will it be Catherine or Lindsay? There really are just some previews of next week.