The Bachelorette Recap: And So It Begins

The Bachelorette

By ToughIssues | Tuesday, May 15, 2012 | 10:35 am | 24 Comments
Tagged: ,
Posted in: Recaps, The Bachelorette

And so it begins, someone has gotten Chris Harrison out of the bunker that ABC holds him in for 6 months of the year, suited him back up, and thrown another lady that’s unlucky in love, and reality television at him, welcome back Emily!

The last time we saw Emily  Maynard she was telling America something that Star Magazine had predicted about 6 covers over, she and the former Bachelor Brad were dunzo. Emily was the single mom whose race car driving fiancee had died in a plane crash, leaving Emily preggers, but thankfully for her, really hot. But she could wipe those tears, because every time a Bachelorette gets her ass handed back to her by one of these putzs she is also handed a tissue and a contract for the Bachelorette,  and that is exactly how we begin this season.

Emily is in her hometown of Charlotte North Carolina, so break out with your old Hornets Starter Jacket for this season! She’s has been keeping busy posing on the cover of InTouch and successfully upholding the title of “Hottest Mom In Her Daughter’s School District”. For the record, she’s only 26, it’s not impossible. Emily is living in this beautiful home that’s going to make every bitch on Teen Mom think she doesn’t have to finish community college, don’t quit those online classes Maci!

As much as Em loves being a mother to her daughter Ricki, she tells us she’s lonely in her big old house, as Ricki goes to bed at 7:30 pm, and Emily apparently hasn’t familiarized herself with the “Shades Of Grey” series. Time to text Chris Harrison and see if he will bring her a shit ton of single dudes…

 

We get a hot preview of some of these guys and it’s basically a cattle call of d-bags but I mean their auditioning to be on a network reality dating show, and have enough free time to miss 8 weeks of work. How many of these guys are technically unemployed? I want those stats Chris. They always give you the best of the best in these quick synopsis, so meet Kalon, a luxury brand representative (read he works at the Men’s Warehouse), and a self proclaimed former womanizer who is shedding his bad boy image in favor of Clark Kent glasses and reality tv.

Or how about David, he’s a singer/song writer in NYC, he tells us he hates to brag but singing just comes naturally to David, like walking, which he probably does a lot of because he has no car, and probably no job.

Or how about Jef, he’s from Salt Lake City Utah, and he is an entrepreneur and I guess an advocate for dropping letters he finds unnecessary. Also he to runs a bottled water business, why would anyone mess with the big 3, Poland, Dasani, Aquafina…why would anyone find it necessary to drop the f from Jeff, these are the questions already keeping me up at night. 

Emily and Chris join forces at the fake mansion they have leased and Emily breaks out her first outfit which any one with a penchant for pop culture will tell you is just a toned down version of an old Britney Spears VMA outfit.

This was also the moment that I realized Em’s got a slight case of the CRAZY EYES. Chris and Emily quickly check in where Emily tells him she’s all about protecting her daughter, and I guess in this case protecting means putting her on a nationally broadcast reality show where her mom hooks up with dudes in McMansions. Oh also Emily tells him that she’s done talking about her dead fiancee slash baby daddy. I say take a drink every time that dude is still referenced. That’s not ending, but you you know what’s beginning our introduction to 25 dudes who couldn’t handle Match.com, or grad school.

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24 Comments

  1. 1
    NotWithoutMyTV notwithoutmytv
    Posted May 15, 2012 at 11:37 am

    Three prop creeps? Bachelorette slides further towards becoming a sitcom. Next season, I bet they’ll stunt cast that CGI cat from Puss ‘n Boots, and he’ll make it right up to the fantasy date (hey, farther than a minority will ever go!), but no further, because… beastiality.

    I think next season Gwen, Chris’s estranged wife, should be the Bachelorette. THAT would be good for a yuk or two.

  2. 2
    melange
    Posted May 15, 2012 at 4:58 pm

    Ah, yes, Emily made quick work of ditching anyone vaguely ‘ethnic’, the ruggedly unattractive, and the unemployed/barely employed.

    I’m glad they are veering away from the dead ex-not-husband storyline, since they’ve already used it for two seasons. Lol when she said she was over it, and that her daughter made her sad, reminding her of what she’d lost (ouch?). Cold!

    Her voice is already annoying the shit out of me. “Nayce to meeeet yewwwwwwww” In fact, every sentence ends with an “ewwww” and a dumb blonde giggle. Sigh.

    Here’s what really bugs me about Emily: what does she have to offer, really, aside from her looks (just luck of the genetic draw) and a vaguely pleasant personality? Does she have life goals, interests, hobbies? Any education? She’s so freaking BLAH, but the mens, they think she’s a catch just because of her looks. It’s pathetic.

    This is what Emily really is: knocked up as a teenager, she is now an unemployed, stay-at-home mom living off her dead ex-boyfriend’s life insurance. Her only ambition seems to be getting her uterus stuffed and finding a guy to help with the housing payments once the insurance runs out. Ghetto much?

    Also: calling your child your “missing other half” is just sad, woman.

  3. 3
    Lizbot
    Posted May 15, 2012 at 6:47 pm

    No force on earth could force me to watch this show (again), but I’ll be back for your recaps!

    From all the promos for this show, the main impression I got of Emily is that she’s a barely life-like robot. She just looks so artificial — like the chick who wen through multiple plastic surgeries so that she could look like Barbie. I’m not saying Emily’s had work done (although it wouldn’t surprise me if she did), but she’s kind of garish and robotic looking. I’m sure it will make for a great season of recapp reading, but a dull season to actually watch, so you have my sympathy!

  4. 4
    cherrylipgloss
    Posted May 15, 2012 at 7:19 pm

    I thought I read that you rated her a 9.5….sorry, not even close…

  5. 5
    ToughIssues
    Posted May 15, 2012 at 7:28 pm

    Thanks for reading guys! What Emily lacks in personality she makes up for in her ability to place in a Holly Madison lookalike contest. Also, I want to see some proof that she was engaged to that race car driver BEFORE the plane crash and not after to pick up that life insurance policy. And lipgloss, I stand corrected, she is a 9.5 to guys with too much hair gel and a few too many years as “Sales Representative”.

  6. 6
    Joey
    Posted May 15, 2012 at 9:00 pm

    What about the guy that had 6 kids!!! I thought he was kidding when he was telling Emily that and then said he had pictures. I can’t remember his name, but when he wasn’t picked he talked again of his 6 kids and how they wanted him to find happiness or something like that. Did anybody else catch any of that?

  7. 7
    ash1
    Posted May 15, 2012 at 9:08 pm

    @Melange – VERY well said. Without her looks she would have nothing to offer the franchise. I couldn’t agree more about the other half. I hate moms who have to one up each other in the “who loves their kids more” conteset with ridiculous, unhealthy, symbiotic statements like that. A good parent recognizes that their child is a complete individual, who, one day can and SHOULD leave you. Good moms love by honoring that autonomy and preparing the child to live without them, NOT by strapping them to you emotionally and visiting all your insecurities and guilt onto them. It’s one of my pet peeves, along with referring to your kid as a “mini me” SICK! I don’t know if I can bear to get drawn into this snoozefest, 19 & Pregnant Wins the Lottery. For all we really know, if Ricky had lived, they’d be fighting over custody and he’d be living with his edgier, less boring, more slutty new girlfriend. I’m sick of the fairy tale. It’s like listening to Farah on Teen Mom cry about a relationship that never was just because he’s dead.

  8. 8
    thisbuggs4u
    Posted May 15, 2012 at 10:20 pm

    I have said this before when she was on the Bachelor last season. Her Daughter Ricki, is the granddaughter of Rick Hendrick. If you follow NASCAR like I do, then you know exactly who he is. The man is loaded, and one can assume that he has probably set that child up for life…It was reported a long time ago that she even date Dale Earnhardt JR, the biggest redneck in all of NASCAR…This woman is boring. I would rather watch paint dry!

  9. 9
    kthxbai kthxbai
    Posted May 16, 2012 at 12:38 am

    @ToughIssues This recap made me ROLF! And you get extra props for that because my face was already tired from ROFLing at the show!

    It looks like they gave her the most cartoony batch of contestants in Bachelor History!

    Did anybody else notice how wrinkly Charlie Head Injury’s jacket was?

    We’ll have to agree to disagree about Emily’s new looks though.

    To me it looks like she got run through the machine hard! She needs a sandwich worse and way quicker than she needs a boyfriend.

    Which is too bad. Because she started off a real pretty girl. With her own look.

    The positive side is her lips will go back down over time. Plus I bet she’ll start eating again once they get to Europe.

    @notwithoutmytv OMG I forgot about that! Chris Harrison’s single now! Maybe after the show’s over and she breaks up with the winner Emily can start dating him!

  10. 10
    itchy itchy
    Posted May 16, 2012 at 3:07 am

    Haven’t watch the full show yet, but I did notice her tits have grown even bigger than her head.

  11. 11
    CynTV CynTV
    Posted May 16, 2012 at 6:42 am

    Tough Issues (may I call you T.I.?) – Your description of the Bachelors was hilarious! I may even watch this year the one and only time I watched one of these contests was the Jake Pavelka season and I am still trying to mentally wash the slime out of my brain. Ick. Can’t wait to hear the dialogue they write for her. ABC must employ the cheesiest writers for this show. Love the recap!

  12. 12
    PopePhilly SweetRoisinDubh
    Posted May 16, 2012 at 9:48 am

    I’m not sure why, but describing someone as “the alive racecar driver” made me laugh pretty hard. I say we take a drink every time she talks about how scared she is to fall in love with a racecar driver because he might die…even though her fiance’s death had nothing to do with him being a racecar driver aside from him being on the way to a race.

    That was a terrible run on sentence.

  13. 13
    NotWithoutMyTV notwithoutmytv
    Posted May 16, 2012 at 10:10 am

    I’ll never date a woman named Gwen because I’m scared if I she caught me banging skanks at work she’d divorce me in a terribly public way.

    I’m really looking forward to the bile America will hurl at Emily Maynard. Baseball is no longer our national past time; it’s hating on the current season’s Bachelor or Bachelorette.

  14. 14
    NotWithoutMyTV notwithoutmytv
    Posted May 16, 2012 at 10:25 am

    Hey, in that first picture above? Emily is the jam in a douche sandwich!

  15. 15
    kthxbai kthxbai
    Posted May 16, 2012 at 2:11 pm

    @itchy It’s getting run through the machine that does that. They get those giant heads when they quit eating.

    It was Tina Brown that discovered it. While she was writing that book about Princess Di.

  16. 16
    itchy itchy
    Posted May 16, 2012 at 2:32 pm

    The most fascinating thing about this show is Chris Hostdouchison’s hand movements whenever he’s speaking. Seriously. It’s mesmerizing. It’s like watching the birth of a new alphabet.

    I don’t think Emily’s attractive at all. Well, okay, I’ll suspend judgement until I see her in a bikini.

    Lastly, I really enjoyed the lyrics of singer-songwriter guy’s song. Certainly one of the most cogent commentaries on early 21st century economic theory I’ve ever heard.

  17. 17
    TV Junkie
    Posted May 16, 2012 at 2:40 pm

    Why is it when I look at Emily M. I can’t help calling out Antie Em..Auntie Em..there is something not right with her..but she is cute in a Barbie world
    ….not sure how tightly she is wrapped..why would anyone with a young daughter go on this show? Makes me wonder..at age 26 I am shocked that she can’t find her own man with out all the lights..camera..action!

  18. 18
    ToughIssues
    Posted May 17, 2012 at 5:31 am

    Feel free to call me TI, but I’m contractually obligated to say TI , NOT THE RAPPER every time. Does anyone else find it hypocritical that Emily insisted that the show be filmed in NC because she didn’t want to disrupt her daughter’s life there, yet the promo showed her and that damn daughter all over Europe. I’m pretty sure whisking you kid around Western Europe so you can make out with a 31 year old “Advertising Executive” on the back lot of Joe Millionaire might have been a slight disruption in her schedule. Thanks for reading everyone, looking forward to trash talking the rest of the season. And LOVE hearing your feedback. And if you liked what you saw here, you will LOVE what you see over at my blog, http://thetoughissues.com/! Come on by!

  19. 19
    NotWithoutMyTV notwithoutmytv
    Posted May 17, 2012 at 8:24 am

    Emily tells Entertainment Weekly, “I’m feisty and sassy!”

    Yeah, well so are rat terriers, but no one wants to see one smelling 19 other dogs’ butts on TV!

  20. 20
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted May 17, 2012 at 12:25 pm

    NWMTV, “ feisty and sassy!” is what a pageant director uses to describe a particularily obnoxious spoiled brat on T&T. Fits.

  21. 21
    polk8dot
    Posted May 17, 2012 at 10:53 pm

    I definitely agree that Emily’s boobs have blossomed since last time we saw her. Incidentally, at the same time, her face got even more stiff and frozen. I think it is those ABC pre-show-taping $$ at work.
    She must be quite a little hussy, this one. She seems to have finagled a free, secure living arrangement from her non-in-laws. She twisted ABC’s arm until they agreed/offered to film in NC. She got a free world-trotting, couple-months long vacation not only for herself, but also for her daughter, and I would not be surprised if she also got ABC to sponsor her own mom; after all she’s going to need a babysitter for Ricky all those nights and days in Europe, and whom would she trust her precious little princess to? Granny, of course.
    With her total lack of personality and facial expression, this season is shaping up to be a total snooze-fest.
    And the bunch of losers, posers, and nutjobs ABC presented her with are probably THE WORST in recent memory, maybe even in all of Bachelorette history.

  22. 22
    captain picard
    Posted May 17, 2012 at 11:49 pm

    A funny recap marred by way too many typos. Distracting.

  23. 23
    itchy itchy
    Posted May 18, 2012 at 12:19 am

    Reely? I didnt notice no typos. Wierd.

  24. 24
    Dlou
    Posted May 20, 2012 at 7:34 am

    I really got into this show until Ben. That was sooooo stupid. Everyone knew who he was going to pick ever since the skinny dipping. He used those girls and treated them like crap. They deserve each other. Emily is just TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO perfect! Poor little filthy rich and lonely mom in a mansion. BOO HOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I made up my mind that I will not watch this idiotic show any more but I like the recaps. Where did they find these guys?EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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