And so it begins, someone has gotten Chris Harrison out of the bunker that ABC holds him in for 6 months of the year, suited him back up, and thrown another lady that’s unlucky in love, and reality television at him, welcome back Emily!
The last time we saw Emily Maynard she was telling America something that Star Magazine had predicted about 6 covers over, she and the former Bachelor Brad were dunzo. Emily was the single mom whose race car driving fiancee had died in a plane crash, leaving Emily preggers, but thankfully for her, really hot. But she could wipe those tears, because every time a Bachelorette gets her ass handed back to her by one of these putzs she is also handed a tissue and a contract for the Bachelorette, and that is exactly how we begin this season.
Emily is in her hometown of Charlotte North Carolina, so break out with your old Hornets Starter Jacket for this season! She’s has been keeping busy posing on the cover of InTouch and successfully upholding the title of “Hottest Mom In Her Daughter’s School District”. For the record, she’s only 26, it’s not impossible. Emily is living in this beautiful home that’s going to make every bitch on Teen Mom think she doesn’t have to finish community college, don’t quit those online classes Maci!
As much as Em loves being a mother to her daughter Ricki, she tells us she’s lonely in her big old house, as Ricki goes to bed at 7:30 pm, and Emily apparently hasn’t familiarized herself with the “Shades Of Grey” series. Time to text Chris Harrison and see if he will bring her a shit ton of single dudes…
We get a hot preview of some of these guys and it’s basically a cattle call of d-bags but I mean their auditioning to be on a network reality dating show, and have enough free time to miss 8 weeks of work. How many of these guys are technically unemployed? I want those stats Chris. They always give you the best of the best in these quick synopsis, so meet Kalon, a luxury brand representative (read he works at the Men’s Warehouse), and a self proclaimed former womanizer who is shedding his bad boy image in favor of Clark Kent glasses and reality tv.
Or how about David, he’s a singer/song writer in NYC, he tells us he hates to brag but singing just comes naturally to David, like walking, which he probably does a lot of because he has no car, and probably no job.
Or how about Jef, he’s from Salt Lake City Utah, and he is an entrepreneur and I guess an advocate for dropping letters he finds unnecessary. Also he to runs a bottled water business, why would anyone mess with the big 3, Poland, Dasani, Aquafina…why would anyone find it necessary to drop the f from Jeff, these are the questions already keeping me up at night.
Emily and Chris join forces at the fake mansion they have leased and Emily breaks out her first outfit which any one with a penchant for pop culture will tell you is just a toned down version of an old Britney Spears VMA outfit.
This was also the moment that I realized Em’s got a slight case of the CRAZY EYES. Chris and Emily quickly check in where Emily tells him she’s all about protecting her daughter, and I guess in this case protecting means putting her on a nationally broadcast reality show where her mom hooks up with dudes in McMansions. Oh also Emily tells him that she’s done talking about her dead fiancee slash baby daddy. I say take a drink every time that dude is still referenced. That’s not ending, but you you know what’s beginning our introduction to 25 dudes who couldn’t handle Match.com, or grad school.