Jean Paul: Marine Biologist named Jean Paul? This dude just ripped off like 3 episodes of Seinfeld and made up a name and career, PROPS.
Alejandro: Mushroom Farmer who allows Emily to brush up on her freshman year Spanish, yah! It doesn’t go much further than Me llamo Emily, no me gusta mushrooms.
Ryan: Nervous personal trainer who holds up a sign that just says “You are beautiful” so I take it he’s a Love Actually fan, and also gay.
The men assemble out back at the fire pit to throw down with cocktails and discuss how many times Alessandro has offered them blow, and a hush appears over the crowd as helicopter begins it’s descent! It’s crossdresser? A mushroom farmer? No, we have already have those. The guys wonder, could it be BRAD? Of course not fools, you gotta save that shit for sweeps week. It’s KALON, you know the luxury brand sales representative that’s been turned down 3 times from employment at JoS A. Bank. Kalon makes an entrance for sure and if you are wondering the best way to kill the mood at a fire pit with a bunch of dudes it’s to land in the yard in a helicopter. The other 24 guys are PISSED, they think Kalon is making too much of a show. Hey, chill out, he will be back to taking your measurements at the Men’s Warehouse in 3 weeks.
The guys can’t get over how hot Emily is. Really? First off all she’s been on every freaking magazine for the last 18 months, and she kinda looks like better version of Holly Madison. You would think these guys had never seen a 9.5 before. With that it’s time for the North Carolina Giselle to meet and greet these dudes. She starts off her one on one time with Chris, who presents her with some bobble heads of themselves. Chris’s bobble head looks ok, but Emily’s kinda looks like Hillary Clinton, a prophecy of things to come? Minus the political success.
Em also checks in with Doug, the single dad, who she calls Dan. Dan, Doug, whatever, pulls out the letter his 12 year old son has written vouching for his Dad. He tells Emily that his dad is really funny, and tucks him in every night, and has 4-5 girlfriends. Ok I made up that last part. And who is still getting tucked in at 12? At 12 I had my alarm clock radio under my pillow listening to Love Line at 11:30 pm, hoping my parent’s didn’t check on me. All that hard letter writing pays off though because Doug wins the coveted “First Impression Rose” meaning he has immunity from being sent home. I’m sorry there is nothing more emasculating than watching a bunch of dudes argue over a rose in front of a fire pit.
Now it’s time for Emily to distribute the roses to the guys who will be staying, in no particular order, except it probably is, and also how does she know all their names already? I smell Harrison with an ear piece feeding her everything….whatever, America here are your top 18…
1. Chris the guy who pretends to be 25, and he’s 53.
3. Kalon, of helicopter fame.
4. Arie the alive race car driver
5. Charlie, I got my money on this one already.
6. Jef the gay Mormon who sells contaminated water
7. Nate, the one who is quote “soooo cute” and my quote “soooo boring” so basically he’s the male Emily.
8. Sean the guy who bathes and hair gel
9. Joe, obviously she is going to keep him around, he helps her remember her name.
10. Kyle, whoever the F that was.
11. Aaron ” ”
12. Alejandro, because if this doesn’t work out she’s going to finish her masters in education and become a Spanish teacher