The Bachelorette Recap: And So It Begins

The Bachelorette

By ToughIssues | Tuesday, May 15, 2012 | 10:35 am | 24 Comments
Tagged: ,
Posted in: Recaps, The Bachelorette

Jean Paul: Marine Biologist named Jean Paul? This dude just ripped off like 3 episodes of Seinfeld and made up a name and career, PROPS.

Alejandro: Mushroom Farmer who allows Emily to brush up on her freshman year Spanish, yah! It doesn’t go much further than Me llamo Emily, no me gusta mushrooms.

Ryan: Nervous personal trainer who holds up a sign that just says “You are beautiful” so I take it he’s a Love Actually fan, and also gay.

The men assemble out back at the fire pit to throw down with cocktails and discuss how many times Alessandro has offered them blow, and a hush appears over the crowd as helicopter begins it’s descent! It’s crossdresser? A mushroom farmer? No, we have already have those. The guys wonder, could it be BRAD? Of course not fools, you gotta save that shit for sweeps week. It’s KALON, you know the luxury brand sales representative that’s been turned down 3 times from employment at JoS A. Bank. Kalon makes an entrance for sure and if you are wondering the best way to kill the mood at a fire pit with a bunch of dudes it’s to land in the yard in a helicopter. The other 24 guys are PISSED, they think Kalon is making too much of a show. Hey, chill out, he will be back to taking your measurements at the Men’s Warehouse in 3 weeks. 

The guys can’t get over how hot Emily is. Really? First off all she’s been on every freaking magazine for the last 18 months, and she kinda looks like better version of Holly Madison. You would think these guys had never seen a 9.5 before. With that it’s time for the North Carolina Giselle to meet and greet these dudes. She starts off her one on one time with Chris, who presents her with some bobble heads of themselves. Chris’s bobble head looks ok, but Emily’s kinda looks like Hillary Clinton, a prophecy of things to come? Minus the political success. 

Em also checks in with Doug, the single dad, who she calls Dan. Dan, Doug, whatever, pulls out the letter his 12 year old son has written vouching for his Dad. He tells Emily that his dad is really funny, and tucks him in every night, and has 4-5 girlfriends. Ok I made up that last part. And who is still getting tucked in at 12? At 12 I had my alarm clock radio under my pillow listening to Love Line at 11:30 pm, hoping my parent’s didn’t check on me. All that hard letter writing pays off though because Doug wins the coveted “First Impression Rose” meaning he has immunity from being sent home. I’m sorry there is nothing more emasculating than watching a bunch of dudes argue over a rose in front of a fire pit. 

Now it’s time for Emily to distribute the roses to the guys who will be staying, in no particular order, except it probably is, and also how does she know all their names already? I smell Harrison with an ear piece feeding her everything….whatever, America here are your top 18…

1. Chris the guy who pretends to be 25, and he’s 53.

2. Ryan 

3. Kalon, of helicopter fame.

4. Arie the alive race car driver

5. Charlie, I got my money on this one already.

6. Jef the gay Mormon who sells contaminated water

7. Nate, the one who is quote “soooo cute” and my quote “soooo boring” so basically he’s the male Emily.

8. Sean the guy who bathes and hair gel

9. Joe, obviously she is going to keep him around, he helps her remember her name.

10. Kyle, whoever the F that was.

11. Aaron ”              ”

12. Alejandro, because if this doesn’t work out she’s going to finish her masters in education and become a Spanish teacher

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24 Comments

  1. 1
    NotWithoutMyTV notwithoutmytv
    Posted May 15, 2012 at 11:37 am

    Three prop creeps? Bachelorette slides further towards becoming a sitcom. Next season, I bet they’ll stunt cast that CGI cat from Puss ‘n Boots, and he’ll make it right up to the fantasy date (hey, farther than a minority will ever go!), but no further, because… beastiality.

    I think next season Gwen, Chris’s estranged wife, should be the Bachelorette. THAT would be good for a yuk or two.

  2. 2
    melange
    Posted May 15, 2012 at 4:58 pm

    Ah, yes, Emily made quick work of ditching anyone vaguely ‘ethnic’, the ruggedly unattractive, and the unemployed/barely employed.

    I’m glad they are veering away from the dead ex-not-husband storyline, since they’ve already used it for two seasons. Lol when she said she was over it, and that her daughter made her sad, reminding her of what she’d lost (ouch?). Cold!

    Her voice is already annoying the shit out of me. “Nayce to meeeet yewwwwwwww” In fact, every sentence ends with an “ewwww” and a dumb blonde giggle. Sigh.

    Here’s what really bugs me about Emily: what does she have to offer, really, aside from her looks (just luck of the genetic draw) and a vaguely pleasant personality? Does she have life goals, interests, hobbies? Any education? She’s so freaking BLAH, but the mens, they think she’s a catch just because of her looks. It’s pathetic.

    This is what Emily really is: knocked up as a teenager, she is now an unemployed, stay-at-home mom living off her dead ex-boyfriend’s life insurance. Her only ambition seems to be getting her uterus stuffed and finding a guy to help with the housing payments once the insurance runs out. Ghetto much?

    Also: calling your child your “missing other half” is just sad, woman.

  3. 3
    Lizbot
    Posted May 15, 2012 at 6:47 pm

    No force on earth could force me to watch this show (again), but I’ll be back for your recaps!

    From all the promos for this show, the main impression I got of Emily is that she’s a barely life-like robot. She just looks so artificial — like the chick who wen through multiple plastic surgeries so that she could look like Barbie. I’m not saying Emily’s had work done (although it wouldn’t surprise me if she did), but she’s kind of garish and robotic looking. I’m sure it will make for a great season of recapp reading, but a dull season to actually watch, so you have my sympathy!

  4. 4
    cherrylipgloss
    Posted May 15, 2012 at 7:19 pm

    I thought I read that you rated her a 9.5….sorry, not even close…

  5. 5
    ToughIssues
    Posted May 15, 2012 at 7:28 pm

    Thanks for reading guys! What Emily lacks in personality she makes up for in her ability to place in a Holly Madison lookalike contest. Also, I want to see some proof that she was engaged to that race car driver BEFORE the plane crash and not after to pick up that life insurance policy. And lipgloss, I stand corrected, she is a 9.5 to guys with too much hair gel and a few too many years as “Sales Representative”.

  6. 6
    Joey
    Posted May 15, 2012 at 9:00 pm

    What about the guy that had 6 kids!!! I thought he was kidding when he was telling Emily that and then said he had pictures. I can’t remember his name, but when he wasn’t picked he talked again of his 6 kids and how they wanted him to find happiness or something like that. Did anybody else catch any of that?

  7. 7
    ash1
    Posted May 15, 2012 at 9:08 pm

    @Melange – VERY well said. Without her looks she would have nothing to offer the franchise. I couldn’t agree more about the other half. I hate moms who have to one up each other in the “who loves their kids more” conteset with ridiculous, unhealthy, symbiotic statements like that. A good parent recognizes that their child is a complete individual, who, one day can and SHOULD leave you. Good moms love by honoring that autonomy and preparing the child to live without them, NOT by strapping them to you emotionally and visiting all your insecurities and guilt onto them. It’s one of my pet peeves, along with referring to your kid as a “mini me” SICK! I don’t know if I can bear to get drawn into this snoozefest, 19 & Pregnant Wins the Lottery. For all we really know, if Ricky had lived, they’d be fighting over custody and he’d be living with his edgier, less boring, more slutty new girlfriend. I’m sick of the fairy tale. It’s like listening to Farah on Teen Mom cry about a relationship that never was just because he’s dead.

  8. 8
    thisbuggs4u
    Posted May 15, 2012 at 10:20 pm

    I have said this before when she was on the Bachelor last season. Her Daughter Ricki, is the granddaughter of Rick Hendrick. If you follow NASCAR like I do, then you know exactly who he is. The man is loaded, and one can assume that he has probably set that child up for life…It was reported a long time ago that she even date Dale Earnhardt JR, the biggest redneck in all of NASCAR…This woman is boring. I would rather watch paint dry!

  9. 9
    kthxbai kthxbai
    Posted May 16, 2012 at 12:38 am

    @ToughIssues This recap made me ROLF! And you get extra props for that because my face was already tired from ROFLing at the show!

    It looks like they gave her the most cartoony batch of contestants in Bachelor History!

    Did anybody else notice how wrinkly Charlie Head Injury’s jacket was?

    We’ll have to agree to disagree about Emily’s new looks though.

    To me it looks like she got run through the machine hard! She needs a sandwich worse and way quicker than she needs a boyfriend.

    Which is too bad. Because she started off a real pretty girl. With her own look.

    The positive side is her lips will go back down over time. Plus I bet she’ll start eating again once they get to Europe.

    @notwithoutmytv OMG I forgot about that! Chris Harrison’s single now! Maybe after the show’s over and she breaks up with the winner Emily can start dating him!

  10. 10
    itchy itchy
    Posted May 16, 2012 at 3:07 am

    Haven’t watch the full show yet, but I did notice her tits have grown even bigger than her head.

  11. 11
    CynTV CynTV
    Posted May 16, 2012 at 6:42 am

    Tough Issues (may I call you T.I.?) – Your description of the Bachelors was hilarious! I may even watch this year the one and only time I watched one of these contests was the Jake Pavelka season and I am still trying to mentally wash the slime out of my brain. Ick. Can’t wait to hear the dialogue they write for her. ABC must employ the cheesiest writers for this show. Love the recap!

  12. 12
    PopePhilly SweetRoisinDubh
    Posted May 16, 2012 at 9:48 am

    I’m not sure why, but describing someone as “the alive racecar driver” made me laugh pretty hard. I say we take a drink every time she talks about how scared she is to fall in love with a racecar driver because he might die…even though her fiance’s death had nothing to do with him being a racecar driver aside from him being on the way to a race.

    That was a terrible run on sentence.

  13. 13
    NotWithoutMyTV notwithoutmytv
    Posted May 16, 2012 at 10:10 am

    I’ll never date a woman named Gwen because I’m scared if I she caught me banging skanks at work she’d divorce me in a terribly public way.

    I’m really looking forward to the bile America will hurl at Emily Maynard. Baseball is no longer our national past time; it’s hating on the current season’s Bachelor or Bachelorette.

  14. 14
    NotWithoutMyTV notwithoutmytv
    Posted May 16, 2012 at 10:25 am

    Hey, in that first picture above? Emily is the jam in a douche sandwich!

  15. 15
    kthxbai kthxbai
    Posted May 16, 2012 at 2:11 pm

    @itchy It’s getting run through the machine that does that. They get those giant heads when they quit eating.

    It was Tina Brown that discovered it. While she was writing that book about Princess Di.

  16. 16
    itchy itchy
    Posted May 16, 2012 at 2:32 pm

    The most fascinating thing about this show is Chris Hostdouchison’s hand movements whenever he’s speaking. Seriously. It’s mesmerizing. It’s like watching the birth of a new alphabet.

    I don’t think Emily’s attractive at all. Well, okay, I’ll suspend judgement until I see her in a bikini.

    Lastly, I really enjoyed the lyrics of singer-songwriter guy’s song. Certainly one of the most cogent commentaries on early 21st century economic theory I’ve ever heard.

  17. 17
    TV Junkie
    Posted May 16, 2012 at 2:40 pm

    Why is it when I look at Emily M. I can’t help calling out Antie Em..Auntie Em..there is something not right with her..but she is cute in a Barbie world
    ….not sure how tightly she is wrapped..why would anyone with a young daughter go on this show? Makes me wonder..at age 26 I am shocked that she can’t find her own man with out all the lights..camera..action!

  18. 18
    ToughIssues
    Posted May 17, 2012 at 5:31 am

    Feel free to call me TI, but I’m contractually obligated to say TI , NOT THE RAPPER every time. Does anyone else find it hypocritical that Emily insisted that the show be filmed in NC because she didn’t want to disrupt her daughter’s life there, yet the promo showed her and that damn daughter all over Europe. I’m pretty sure whisking you kid around Western Europe so you can make out with a 31 year old “Advertising Executive” on the back lot of Joe Millionaire might have been a slight disruption in her schedule. Thanks for reading everyone, looking forward to trash talking the rest of the season. And LOVE hearing your feedback. And if you liked what you saw here, you will LOVE what you see over at my blog, http://thetoughissues.com/! Come on by!

  19. 19
    NotWithoutMyTV notwithoutmytv
    Posted May 17, 2012 at 8:24 am

    Emily tells Entertainment Weekly, “I’m feisty and sassy!”

    Yeah, well so are rat terriers, but no one wants to see one smelling 19 other dogs’ butts on TV!

  20. 20
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted May 17, 2012 at 12:25 pm

    NWMTV, “ feisty and sassy!” is what a pageant director uses to describe a particularily obnoxious spoiled brat on T&T. Fits.

  21. 21
    polk8dot
    Posted May 17, 2012 at 10:53 pm

    I definitely agree that Emily’s boobs have blossomed since last time we saw her. Incidentally, at the same time, her face got even more stiff and frozen. I think it is those ABC pre-show-taping $$ at work.
    She must be quite a little hussy, this one. She seems to have finagled a free, secure living arrangement from her non-in-laws. She twisted ABC’s arm until they agreed/offered to film in NC. She got a free world-trotting, couple-months long vacation not only for herself, but also for her daughter, and I would not be surprised if she also got ABC to sponsor her own mom; after all she’s going to need a babysitter for Ricky all those nights and days in Europe, and whom would she trust her precious little princess to? Granny, of course.
    With her total lack of personality and facial expression, this season is shaping up to be a total snooze-fest.
    And the bunch of losers, posers, and nutjobs ABC presented her with are probably THE WORST in recent memory, maybe even in all of Bachelorette history.

  22. 22
    captain picard
    Posted May 17, 2012 at 11:49 pm

    A funny recap marred by way too many typos. Distracting.

  23. 23
    itchy itchy
    Posted May 18, 2012 at 12:19 am

    Reely? I didnt notice no typos. Wierd.

  24. 24
    Dlou
    Posted May 20, 2012 at 7:34 am

    I really got into this show until Ben. That was sooooo stupid. Everyone knew who he was going to pick ever since the skinny dipping. He used those girls and treated them like crap. They deserve each other. Emily is just TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO perfect! Poor little filthy rich and lonely mom in a mansion. BOO HOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I made up my mind that I will not watch this idiotic show any more but I like the recaps. Where did they find these guys?EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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