The Bachelorette Recap: London Calling

The Bachelorette

By ToughIssues | Wednesday, June 13, 2012 | 2:35 pm | 16 Comments
Posted in: Recaps, The Bachelorette

And then there were 10…bachelors that is. It’s week 5 and Miss Emily is back, however she has left the sunny beaches of Bermuda, which were mostly windy and spent working on site words with Ricki for a jaunt to jolly old England. Gotta plug that Golden Jubilee coverage you have saved on your DVR! Emily starts off her trip spending the ABC mandated 90 minutes with Ricki, where the ride a double decker bus and pose for a few photos. This is a good opportunity for Emily to point out the marked differences in Charlotte and London, we don’t have anything like this in Charlotte! If this doesn’t work out, which it probably won’t, I think Emily has a burgeoning career in writing copy at a travel agency. 

Ok enough hanging with that damn kid, the boys have arrived and Harrison tells them it will be their standard date sessions. As previously stated these guys can’t handle grad school so it’s probably good that he goes over the rules again. Emily picks Sean of hair gel fame for her first one on one date and they are off to explore London on a double decker bus.

Emily is lucky that ABC fed her some facts off wiki as she she points out a few landmarks to Sean, who is seemingly clueless. In fact they even pose for a kiss picture in front of Buckingham Palace, and somehow it’s even more awkward than William’s kiss. Sean and Emily have a little picnic lunch where she participates in her favorite activity, after lip injections, and grills him about his last date. Sean tells us that he is so selective that his dating life has been slow, Emily says this just shows he is a good guy, and the most not boring guy. They wrap up this portion of the date by visiting some tourist trap where you can stand up and make a speech with a few homeless (lite) guys. Sean takes this opportunity to jump up and tell everyone that though he has never been in love he has seen love, and hopes to find love with Emily. The crowd goes camera phone video wild and Em is impressed. So impressed that it’s off to London Tower for dinner, nothing like eating in a place that I’m sure has a pest problem. Emily tells us this is a cool place to eat, because it’s where King Henry lived….ehhh I’m gonna have to fact that check that. Then Emily says it’s where he put his wives and then beheaded them, someone start helping this bitch out with some better cheat cards.  They enjoy a nice dinner where Emily point blanks asks him how many kids he would be ok with having, typical first one on one date conversation. Sean must give the right number, by not really saying one so Emily gives him a rose, Sean is safe.

Meanwhile back at the bachelor hotel the guys are having a conversation over Emily’s group dates, and their distaste for them. Kallon remarks that being with Emily will always be a group date, because she has a kid. The guys kinda brush off this comment but their interviews show their disgust with this comment. No time to worry about Kallon because it’s group date time and all of the guys are picked to go on this date, except Jef and obviously Sean who ill be too busy trying to calculate college tuition for 3-4 kids that Emily just demanded. 

The group date is a Shakespeare tie in as the guys assemble with Emily to act out some scenes from Romeo and Juliet. Since the only thing these guys have read since 9th grade is a copy of Men’s Health in their bathroom this is awkward. Travis informs us with an eye roll that all they do in Mississippi is read Billy S. and it’s almost kinda funny, but hey he is rolling with the punches and laughing off the rehearsals. Kallon who I have a feeling is our villain in this episode tells Emily to run along while he rehearses and Emily is not ok with that. The guys dress up in traditional clothing, which I have a feeling haven’t been dry cleaned in at least 6 months and they assemble on the stage. Doug takes the stage as the nurse, and he actually seems to have a good time in this role.

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16 Comments

  1. 1
    TV Junkie
    Posted June 13, 2012 at 2:58 pm

    OMG Thanks for the recap ..as I fell alseep during the stupid and I do mean stupid tour of London..I think it was Emily’s “facts” that got to me snooze fest..Ashley may not be as Barbie pretty as Emily, but she sure had a personality! Emily what a snooze fest..in fact I can see her next husband being bored to death!
    Hope I can make it through the next one..where are they going this time? Disneyland may be a better destination..since I can see Emily playing the part of Snow White or Cinderella in the next play……

  2. 2
    itchy itchy
    Posted June 13, 2012 at 3:32 pm

    What a hugely boring episode. The only real fun is watching how uncomfortable Em is around pretty much of these guys. The only one she seems to light up around is the race car driver (who apparently is a bit of doofus, well, more than a bit, and he’s starting to remind me of Vinnie Barbarino).

    The Doug clown is a clear bully. No doubt about it now. I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt during his fight last week, but this week he just jumped at the chance to rat out that luxury brand douchebag. Fortunately, he stands even less of a chance than Gay Mormon Jef.

    The thing that gets me is how ridiculously long this show is. The “commercial-free” version runs an hour an a half — how long does it run with commercials?

    And yeah, I’m sick of the scenes with Em and her homely kid too.

  3. 3
    kthxbai kthxbai
    Posted June 13, 2012 at 10:01 pm

    Gay Mormon Jef told her if Ricki is baggage then she’s a Chloe handbag that he wants to keep forever.

    And for a minute there he had me wondering if he might be bi.

  4. 4
    melange
    Posted June 14, 2012 at 12:56 am

    Jef. Women’s handbags? Seriously?

    Also. Aren’t these guys recorded 24/7? So… how did we miss the actual conversation where Kalon called Rikki baggage? He made the “group date” joke but that was all we saw. Obviously Kalon just wanted to GTFO of there. Bet he’s so sad he missed Croatia!

    I think ABC must have paid off God for the weather in London this episode. It’s never that sunny or clear. I’ve been on the London Eye, and it’s juuust like sitting in an egg floating on a massive bowl of grey soup.

  5. 5
    itchy itchy
    Posted June 14, 2012 at 1:26 am

    I was amused by Em’s fake outrage too. She already knew Kalon was a complete and total douchebag and the only reason she kept him around was to keep the producers happy. So all of a sudden it’s the other guys’ responsiblity to turn into little rat-faced weasels?

    And Kalon might have been wrong about using the term ‘baggage’ (although it seems okay for most of Mrs. Itchy’s women’s magazines to speak about people’s baggage), but he was right in his defense, that he meant it as ‘responsibility.’

    So yeah, just the producers stirring up the drama for an increasingly limp vehicle. I’m still addicted to it though. Fuckers.

    We were in London and almost got on the Eye. And then I saw how intolerably slowly the thing turns. It takes like a hour to make the full revolution. There’s just so much of the rooftops of a city one can see before it starts getting boring. It’s like climbing to the top of the Eiffel Tower. Once you get up there, you hang out for five minutes or so and then, well, it’s time to go down again.

  6. 6
    MrsMiaWallace MrsMiaWallace
    Posted June 14, 2012 at 6:25 am

    Thanks for the recap! This show is so long and drags dog’s butt on the carpet, you deserve a gold star for hanging in and reporting back!

    I may go to hell but Kalon’s joke about every date being a group date cracked me up. Yeah, he’s an ass, but that’s pretty much what this season deserves.

    I was endlessly amused how she railed that none of the guys stepped up and how could they not protect her-the whole time ignoring that Doug did just that-confronted her as soon as he heard it. He is a bully and a one-note without a chance, but that was too funny and unfair. Classic kill the messenger.

    This is the part in the season where drama goes down and the contestant has huge doubts about themselves and the whole process. I know that, but I am still sucked in! I really see her colors and can imagine the shitshow her relationship with Brad was like post-show. She admitted she has issues watching him when the show aired with the other women. Based on her grilling and dog-with-a-bone tactics tonight, she made that short relationship a living hell for him I bet. He recently interviewed that he “dodged a bullet” with her and I second that.

    Hypocrisy #2- Jef outright admitted he was ground zero for the Kalon Comment Heard Round the Commonwealth, yet he didn’t get any of the grilling or “I need a man who will protect me” bs. One reference to a purse he has no business knowing about and she’s satisfied. Poor Doug, he is doomed.

    Her child IS homely. And off somehow. And every scene with the two of them looks like thinly veiled disgust on Emily. Having her on the double decker with Sean immediately after the same tour with Ricki was jarring because her demeanor was totally different.

  7. 7
    Tough Issues
    Posted June 14, 2012 at 7:39 am

    Hey friends! So I’m a tad new to this show, I had never really seen past seasons so I don’t have an accurate way of gaging this, however Emily seems boring and uneducated. I don’t know if they showed more of a fun side to her when she was on The Bachelor but she contributes about 30 words to every conversation, and they are usually things like do you want to have kids with me? You have known this guy for like 2 weeks, I get that this is the premise of the show but it seems ultra forced.

    Should we start a drinking game for this show? Drink any time Em tucks her hair behind her ears on a date?

    Thanks for reading guys, this show is so excessively long I’m always so happy to see people care to take a look at the recap.

  8. 8
    itchy itchy
    Posted June 14, 2012 at 12:10 pm

    Heh, I noticed the tucking the hair behind the ear thing. I thought that was a girl-signal?

  9. 9
    talk it then
    Posted June 14, 2012 at 2:02 pm

    I thought or think Ryan is hot.. him and Sean are my picks!! I like the show!! I think some of it is down right hilarious!!

  10. 10
    TV Junkie
    Posted June 14, 2012 at 3:33 pm

    Hey, Tough Issues..uneducated ..you got it..Em got preggers in high school..her “fiancee” was killed in a plane crash..unlike her next husband who I said will be” bored to death’ ~ I am sure God will punish me for that ..but face it we all all being bored to death by Emily..she is a country bumpkin that got knocked up by a rich race car driver..that is her claim to fame….
    I don’t know about all of you ,but how lucky I thought we were by her cold in London..so we didn’t have to here her real voice…and for someone who wants to protect her daughter..she is doing a “fine job” putting her on prime time television..if a 26 year old has to go on television to meet her next husband ..something is really wrong……..
    I’m in with yout on the drinking game ..if I can stay awake I will start on Mon…PS I think Chris H. is HOT for her

  11. 11
    TV Junkie
    Posted June 14, 2012 at 3:34 pm

    .that is hear her real voice……

  12. 12
    My-opinion
    Posted June 14, 2012 at 5:23 pm

    I’ve never posted before, but love reading recaps on these crazy peeps! I think any one who goes on these shows is out there for the mocking, but I was displeased by your harping on Ricki’s weight. She’s a little kid, and can’t help her mother’s choices to put her on tv. Mocking a young girl on her looks and weight seems really harsh and uncalled for. On that note, putting aside the fact that Emily went on the show in the first place, I think the shots of her and Ricki together are to say ‘see! She’s a good mom!’ as opposed to actually BEING a good mom, and keeping your kid out of the limelight.

  13. 13
    itchy itchy
    Posted June 14, 2012 at 11:48 pm

    I find it interesting to see the kid because it gives us a glmpse into what Emily looked like before the plastic surgery.

  14. 14
    itchy itchy
    Posted June 14, 2012 at 11:48 pm

    Glimpse. Damn. I need more coffee.

  15. 15
    MrsMiaWallace
    Posted June 15, 2012 at 1:58 am

    @ my-opinion – there are plenty that will advise that snark is snark and the door is ready should you find it distasteful. That is true, but although I understand your point, I read the humor as a commentary on the shallowness of Emily. Ricki is by no means overweight or unappealing as a child, but she is a gawky colt-like thing, as most kids of that age are. It is a trick of projection that one can easily imagine the doll-like, stiff, be-spackled Emily disapproving and wishing her more delicate.

    That’s the humor I find in it anyway.

    @itchy – haha, yes!

    And one a totally unrelated note, I was kind of appalled that the production schedule was such that they couldn’t pause the two days it would’ve taken for Emily to recover from a slight cold instead of forcing her on these long and uncomfortable dates. She seemed miserable, as did London, as did the whole episode. I know its that halfway, question-what-its-all-about point of the season so I guess it just adds to the vibe, but I couldn’t help but wonder if the extra cost of catering to Emily and Ricki’s needs has made the budget thinner and less flexible?

  16. 16
    bitchristine
    Posted June 17, 2012 at 11:11 am

    HAHAHAHAHA “Since the only thing these guys have read since 9th grade is a copy of Men’s Health in their bathroom this is awkward.”

    ‘I know, right’…I finished a few pints by taking a sip every time she said that.

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