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It’s week of 4 The Bachelorette and when we last left Charlotte’s most eligible widow she was applying for permits on a daily basis to shut down the main streets and have C list country acts perform. Apparently Harrison realized this was getting a tad old because we begin this episode with the shocking news that the bachelors must pack their things and leave the mansion.
Translation, ABC forgot to pay the landlord and they are getting evicted, also they are shooting a porn by the fire pit at noon, so they really gotta get a move on. Harrison reminds the guys that there are 3 different kinds of dates that a bachelor can go on, a one on one date, a group date, and a 2 on 1 date. During a 2 on 1 date 1 Bachelor will be eliminated. This is where Alejandro promptly bows out, he hasn’t been high since Alessandro got eliminated last week and he’s just realized this isn’t Fear Factor. Ok kidding, he doesn’t leave, and thank goodness because they guys are headed to BERMUDA. You know all 100 miles off the coast from North Carolina but whatever, it seems exciting, and hurry up because Emily is already there!
We catch up with Emily and Ricki on the beaches of Bermuda as they stroll down the beach and Emily wishes Ricki could have pulled off the two piece, alas. Emily informs us that she LOVES Bermuda, and she loves all the Colonial houses. It’s 4 minutes in and Emily has reminded us what a GED does for network television, just because Bermuda is a British colony doesn’t make the houses Colonial. Hasn’t Emily at least played the game of Life?I think she got a little stuck when she pulled the single mom with a dead race car driver husband hooking for Botox card. But whatever, she’s excited to be there and says she hopes the next time she comes back she’s married, or pregnant, or with her husband, or just not with that damn kid.
The guys arrive in Bermuda at their swanky hotel suite and receive the not so shocking news that DOUG has been asked to go on the one on one date. Alejandro is upset but plays it cool, he worries that he hasn’t had enough time to prove himself to Emily.I’m just surprised he has a voice…and that it doesn’t have an accent. The other guys start to bust Doug’s balls a bit, ie will he get a rose? And some other equally pathetic things for guys to be fighting over. Doug gets a little testy and is about to jump up and go off on Arie, when enter the room, EMILY. Emily notices the tension, but she’s too happy about her fresh spray tan to worry so it’s off for a date with Doug.
The date is anticlimactic as the go perfume shopping, and look at some glass figures in some tourist traps. Finally they stop off for a chat where Doug tells Emily that he started a charity recently! Being the simple minded moron that Emily is she doesn’t bother to ask the obvious question of what the charity does, but there is no time for that because she has a great idea! Emily bought a postcard to send back to Doug’s son in response to the note he wrote her. Kind of a nice thought, but Emily that kid wrote you a fully formed essay on his dad, and you are sending back 4 sentences, MAX. However she doesn’t even understand the difference between a colony and a colonial, a letter might be too much for our Bachelorette.
It’s now time for the night time portion of the date so they do the standard awkward dinner with awkward chair positioning. Emily asks Doug to point blank name some of his flaws, and Doug obviously thinks this a job interview because he’s like I have NONE. Emily asks him to think about what an ex girlfriend would says his flaws were, he responds with that he spends a lot of time with his son, and he didn’t clean her car enough. Emily is suspicious of these so called “flaws” however Doug is kind of a creep and flips the question to Emily who tells us that Doug’s right, it’s a hard question to answer. So in 5 minutes we learned that Doug has a temper problem andddd he’s manipulative. But this clicks for Emily because she realizes that he can probably be great at forcing down diet pills on Ricki, therefor Doug gets a rose! Safe from elimination!