The Bachelorette Recap: Occupy Bermuda

The Bachelorette

By ToughIssues | Wednesday, June 6, 2012 | 6:17 pm | 9 Comments
Posted in: Recaps, The Bachelorette

It’s day 2 and a GROUP date for our bachelors. We find out that the guys are going to take their hand at sailing, I’ll be honest I zoned out during this part. There were two teams, yellow and red, and some how they all knew how to sail a fairly large boat, I think this race was rigged. Eventually the yellow tea wins and TO THE VICTOR GO THE SPOILS! Yes, a date with Emily!

The red team is dumbfounded by their loss and drive home dejected, also Charlie cries. It was helpful to know that Charlie was that kid in 5th grade that took gym class a little too seriously, and would eventually burn down buildings by 9th grade, sorry thinking of someone specific here. The red team, which consisted of Jef, Kallon, Ryan, and Arie all join Emily for a little poolside hang session. The majority of this trip looks like it was in the low 50′s and windy, so there isn’t much to be jealous of, because the company is lacking too. Emily takes the guys one by one and chats with them in an awkward blanket on the beach. Emily tells Arie that she’s thinking of him the most, like when she is sitting on the porch alone. A single mom with a nationally televised tv show is getting a lot of alone porch time? Someone find her a hobby! May I suggest Great Britain and their colonies, past and present? Whatever they make out  for the majority of the time and Emily needs to calm down so she brings down GM (Gay Mormon) Jef.

Jef is telling Emily that he’s really starting to like her, if by her he means Chris Harrison, but it’s a new experience for him. Emily is so impressed by GM Jef she gives him the rose, meaning he’s safe from elimination! Emily chats up Ryan who is quickly attempting to become the break out star. Ryan tells Emily that he hopes she will be a trophy wife for him someday chasing around their children. Emily can’t get off that comment he made about her gaining weight last week so this talk goes nowhere fast. 

Back at the suite, which at this point do the guys who are not going on dates have to spend the entire trip sitting in a 2 room suite at a hotel? Isn’t there a fire pit they can sit at? They tend to feel more comfortable in their element. Meanwhile we find out it’s time for the dreaded 2 on 1 date. Emily picks John aka Wolf aka that nick name is taking off and Nate, who up until now I didn’t think had vocal cords, but I guess he does. Unfortunately one of these two will have to pack their knives and leave. In this scenario they are both serial killers. The guys are equally bummed to be going on a 2 on 1 date and fear that they will be given the boot, but no time to wonder because Emily arrives and they are off! They do some dangerous cliff jumping which I’m not going to lie, probably involved a waiver being signed. This was good because it really solidified for me that Emily had that boob job done, before that I was just about 92% sure. This date isn’t standing out much until the mean join Emily in a CAVE for dinner. The cave is kinda cool and Emily remarks, who knew they had all THIS in Bermuda.

Like she’s some type of travel guru, careful Em, I will quickly remind you of the Colonial house comment heard round my apartment! The caves are cool but dinner is basically the last supper, yes in a Jesus kinda way. Emily struggles to make conversation with the guys and eventually gives up and takes Nate away for some one on one time. Nate and Emily plop down on a rock where Nate tells us he really likes his family! Me too! But Nate tells us his brother is the greatest person he’s ever met, and the tears just start flowing. Maybe the Charlie sailing race loss rubbed off on him a little too much. Emily gives her AFLAC duck awww, where her top lip does this weird thing that almost makes it meet her bottom lip and you kinda know Nate has sealed his own fate. John aka Wolf aka who cares plays the dynamic of the 2 on 1 date cool and casual, he said it’s been fun and he’s having a nice time. Emily returns to dinner and makes an obvious choice, time to say SEE YA to Nate. Emily tells Nate that she doesn’t envision a future with him, but he might have one with his brother! Ok she didn’t say the last part, let’s be honest that dude was a little creepy, good eye Em. Now if you could just stop handing out roses to the gay guy with $60 haircut. 

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9 Comments

  1. 1
    melange
    Posted June 6, 2012 at 7:09 pm

    I missed most of Doug’s date at first, so I didn’t get why Emily thought he sounded too good to be true, but when I went back and watched – yeah. No guy is that excited to visit a perfume shop. “Are we going shopping? I love it!” Doug is fake as hell. Also, he’s a realtor, so he’s used to lying and manipulating people. Sorry to the realtors reading this, but – you know what I’m talking about, don’t you.

    It creeps me out the way these guys use business terminology to describe their relationships with Emily or with the other guys. This isn’t a corporate takeover. Big red flag when a guy can’t get out of his “work brain.”

    Bummer that Michael got kicked off before spilling the beans that Ryan is just there to jockey for a Bachelor gig. Maybe Ryan figured Michael was getting the boot – I suspect this news will come out eventually, though.

  2. 2
    lilly
    Posted June 6, 2012 at 10:26 pm

    I feel like it’s sad where the only one it genuinely seems like she has some kind of flirty back-and-forth banter with is Ryan, of all people. The other guys need to stop talking about “father potential” and “wanting a family” and just make her laugh! When she said on her date with Doug that it was like something she would do with him “if we’d been married for years” it was like… Emily, come on. You have to find some initial spark and sizzle with someone before you marry them and settle in for the long haul! The Bachelorette/Bachelor franchise as a whole needs fewer serious talks and more skinny dipping.

  3. 3
    MrsMiaWallace
    Posted June 6, 2012 at 11:59 pm

    Snooze episode, great recap though.

    @lilly – you are dead right, I know Emily has to prove she is concerned about Ricki but her constant conversations about fatherhood, motherhood, blah blah responsibility is a boner kill.

    Ok Toughissues… I don’t want to reveal myself to be as dumb as Emily, but I am concerned at the confusion I have over your vehemence about Bermudian architecture. There ARE colonial homes there… am I missing something?

  4. 4
    itchy itchy
    Posted June 7, 2012 at 12:13 am

    On the contrary, I’m starting to appreciate Emily more and more precisely because of the variety of “who the fuck is this clown?” faces she makes whenever she is speaking with that GI Joe doll. ( I mean Ryan. GI Ryan?) She is clearly repulsed by him and it is obvious the producers are keeping him around to be this season’s villain/pratfall guy. Since the rest of this crowd is so bland, just a bunch of puffed-rice muscle types. Also, I like it that everytime he starts prattling out the bible verses, she is so bemused by him her forehad almost crinkles.

    Speaking of foreheads. I had a great laugh at Gay Mormon Jef’s floppy hair during his beach chat with Emily. Not a hairdo for every occasion.

    I was surprised she kept Alejandro too, but since he looks like he’s six years old, she might just be keeping him as a playmate for her kid.

  5. 5
    kthxbai kthxbai
    Posted June 7, 2012 at 12:20 am

    Ryan’s got to be doing a reality show character. Hoping to get some more work.

    “there’s a lot of depth to me. Just don’t get fat” reminded me of the Kim Kardashian inspirational quote
    “I do it with class cause I got a fat ass”

  6. 6
    beebs
    Posted June 7, 2012 at 4:26 am

    I wonder if Charlie was really crying. I thought he was laughing. He said he was so embarrassed.

    If he had been crying, he should still be embarrassed.

  7. 7
    bitchristine
    Posted June 9, 2012 at 11:30 am

    Shall we all drink when Emily says, “I know, right”.

    That dbag Ryan is going to be perfect for “Bachelor Pad”. Although I hate to admit I too am giving her some credit for seeing through Ryan. A lot of the past Bachelorettes would have had no clue about this type of guy. Remember, that tiny little rat-like Bach’ette from the the last go’round (forget her name)…she was nuts over that incredible asshole, Bentley, and she had no friggin clue that he was playing her mercilessly.

  8. 8
    itchy itchy
    Posted June 9, 2012 at 11:53 pm

    I’d hate to that GI Joe doll succeed. What a fucking tool.

  9. 9
    AmyOops AmyOops
    Posted June 10, 2012 at 4:41 pm

    @itchy: I was thinking the same thing…Ryan would have hit the bricks that evening if it weren’t for the producers. He really IS a douchnozzle.

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