The Bachelorette Recap: Occupy Bermuda

The Bachelorette

By ToughIssues | Wednesday, June 6, 2012 | 6:17 pm | 9 Comments
Posted in: Recaps, The Bachelorette

With the 2 on 1 date wrapped up Emily finds a few free moments to check in with the blonde 7 year old that the state says belongs to her. Turns our Ricki’s been working on her sight words in Bermuda,words like elimination rose, Gay Mormon Jef, and alive race car driver. No they are words like the, their, because…whatever this is boring. Also, turns out Emily brought along a tutor for Ricki on this world tour of finding mommy a husband who won’t die or be a total jerk off, because we catch a glimpse of said tutor. I guess Emily figures if she can’t be skinny, she can be smart, not bad. 

It’s elimination time bitches and the house of Bachelorette is in disarray. You see earlier in the week bachelor Doug, who I think views himself as team captain made an off hand comment about younger guys being eliminated. This hurt the 25 years young Chris aka age aint nothin but a number man, Chris confronts Doug and there is no time better than the rose ceremony, tensions are high between these two. Doug has a mean streak, and in Emily’s eyes Chris is 12 so who cares, they aren’t going to win. Emily checks in with Alejandro who more than likely got a nose job in this down time this week because his nose is looking strange and he had a lot of time on his hands because he didn’t go on ANY dates in Bermuda. Emily worries that Alejandro and his 24 years of not having an accent are just too young for her and Ricki, but he swears he is ready to step up and be a father. Ryan meanwhile contemplates his fate in front of the fire with Michael, he’s the rehab counselor slash guy with a better ponytail than Emily tonight. Ryan says he likes being on the show, but feels he is called to something bigger and better. He ponders if ABC would be interested in a Bachelor: Augusta edition, starring him, I can answer that for you, NO. Chris meanwhile rats out Doug for his YOU MAD BRO attitude in the house, and Emily is confused because Doug has seemed so great so far. Emily knows she has a hard decision to make so she stares down the framed photos of the guys that Harrison has set up for her. This is helpful since she is probably still a bit hazy on names. 

Finally Emily and Harrison join forces to send some guys packing. Now remember, Doug, Jef, and John are ALL safe. Emily gives out roses to: Sean, Arie, Travis (?!?!?), Chris, Ryan, Kallon, and ALEJANDRO. I didn’t see that last one coming and let’s be honest neither did Alejandro. That means Michael and Charlie are off. Michael sheds a few tears as he wonders of what could have been and if he will ever fall in love, I’m sure he will recover quickly with a few bong rips and a night on the town in Bermuda. Charlie meanwhile doesn’t seem fazed to be kicked off, obviously he used up his tears and emotions in mourning the loss of the sailing race.

We are down to 11 guys now and next week Harrison is upping the ante, we are going to LONDON TOWN. I can only imagine that this is to give Emily that full lesson in British history that she so deserves. Let’s DRINK every time there is a London 2012 reference, we get it ABC. And every time Ryan scoots off to try and find a Middleton. 

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9 Comments

  1. 1
    melange
    Posted June 6, 2012 at 7:09 pm

    I missed most of Doug’s date at first, so I didn’t get why Emily thought he sounded too good to be true, but when I went back and watched – yeah. No guy is that excited to visit a perfume shop. “Are we going shopping? I love it!” Doug is fake as hell. Also, he’s a realtor, so he’s used to lying and manipulating people. Sorry to the realtors reading this, but – you know what I’m talking about, don’t you.

    It creeps me out the way these guys use business terminology to describe their relationships with Emily or with the other guys. This isn’t a corporate takeover. Big red flag when a guy can’t get out of his “work brain.”

    Bummer that Michael got kicked off before spilling the beans that Ryan is just there to jockey for a Bachelor gig. Maybe Ryan figured Michael was getting the boot – I suspect this news will come out eventually, though.

  2. 2
    lilly
    Posted June 6, 2012 at 10:26 pm

    I feel like it’s sad where the only one it genuinely seems like she has some kind of flirty back-and-forth banter with is Ryan, of all people. The other guys need to stop talking about “father potential” and “wanting a family” and just make her laugh! When she said on her date with Doug that it was like something she would do with him “if we’d been married for years” it was like… Emily, come on. You have to find some initial spark and sizzle with someone before you marry them and settle in for the long haul! The Bachelorette/Bachelor franchise as a whole needs fewer serious talks and more skinny dipping.

  3. 3
    MrsMiaWallace
    Posted June 6, 2012 at 11:59 pm

    Snooze episode, great recap though.

    @lilly – you are dead right, I know Emily has to prove she is concerned about Ricki but her constant conversations about fatherhood, motherhood, blah blah responsibility is a boner kill.

    Ok Toughissues… I don’t want to reveal myself to be as dumb as Emily, but I am concerned at the confusion I have over your vehemence about Bermudian architecture. There ARE colonial homes there… am I missing something?

  4. 4
    itchy itchy
    Posted June 7, 2012 at 12:13 am

    On the contrary, I’m starting to appreciate Emily more and more precisely because of the variety of “who the fuck is this clown?” faces she makes whenever she is speaking with that GI Joe doll. ( I mean Ryan. GI Ryan?) She is clearly repulsed by him and it is obvious the producers are keeping him around to be this season’s villain/pratfall guy. Since the rest of this crowd is so bland, just a bunch of puffed-rice muscle types. Also, I like it that everytime he starts prattling out the bible verses, she is so bemused by him her forehad almost crinkles.

    Speaking of foreheads. I had a great laugh at Gay Mormon Jef’s floppy hair during his beach chat with Emily. Not a hairdo for every occasion.

    I was surprised she kept Alejandro too, but since he looks like he’s six years old, she might just be keeping him as a playmate for her kid.

  5. 5
    kthxbai kthxbai
    Posted June 7, 2012 at 12:20 am

    Ryan’s got to be doing a reality show character. Hoping to get some more work.

    “there’s a lot of depth to me. Just don’t get fat” reminded me of the Kim Kardashian inspirational quote
    “I do it with class cause I got a fat ass”

  6. 6
    beebs
    Posted June 7, 2012 at 4:26 am

    I wonder if Charlie was really crying. I thought he was laughing. He said he was so embarrassed.

    If he had been crying, he should still be embarrassed.

  7. 7
    bitchristine
    Posted June 9, 2012 at 11:30 am

    Shall we all drink when Emily says, “I know, right”.

    That dbag Ryan is going to be perfect for “Bachelor Pad”. Although I hate to admit I too am giving her some credit for seeing through Ryan. A lot of the past Bachelorettes would have had no clue about this type of guy. Remember, that tiny little rat-like Bach’ette from the the last go’round (forget her name)…she was nuts over that incredible asshole, Bentley, and she had no friggin clue that he was playing her mercilessly.

  8. 8
    itchy itchy
    Posted June 9, 2012 at 11:53 pm

    I’d hate to that GI Joe doll succeed. What a fucking tool.

  9. 9
    AmyOops AmyOops
    Posted June 10, 2012 at 4:41 pm

    @itchy: I was thinking the same thing…Ryan would have hit the bricks that evening if it weren’t for the producers. He really IS a douchnozzle.

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