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Friday, January 18, 2013
9:14 am
7 Comments
Hello Gasmii! Here we are again with another fun filled week of The Biggest Loser. Brace yourselves! Previously on TBL, we were on “a crusade to fight childhood obesity”. Here we go a-crusadin’. Nate was one pound short and had to go home, and Jillian’s white team is down to 2 players. Sniffle.
The white team is lamenting their overall failure as a team. Bearclaw sums it up perfectly:
“On the plus side, we spend more time with Jillian. On the bad side, we spend more time with Jillian”.
Well I’m stuck with her for at least an entire season, you Bearclaw might (probably will) go home this episode. It’s a blessing. Next the contestants are called into a huge room full of delicious and terrible food. Which is when I notice how fucked up the hamburgers look…
???
Really though, it’s weird. The room is also full of tv and video games, and Allison reminds us how terrible all of this is for children. It cuts to the kiddies (is that a creepy word? probably) talking about how much tv they watch/junk food they eat. Then Allison drops ANOTHER. HUGE. BOMB. on the contestants. Whoever knows the least about food will be locked in here for 4 hours a day. That would be easy for me, seeing as I’m not sure those hamburgers are even soft enough to chew. David is STUNNED.
Hi remember me? I’ve apparently been here the whole time.
I’m still not convinced.
That’s how I felt when I heard him talk too.
Allison will ask them 5 questions, each one being worth 5 points. The fewest points gets locked in the food dungeon. First question! What percentage of children are obese? They’re off to a great start, because they get it all wrong. HA. And they all get the next one wrong. Can we lock them all in there? I wonder if they’d all start hooking up with each other like on The Real World and Big Brother…hmmm…they all get the next one right, which is what is the greatest source of sugar (it’s sugary drinks). As for the next question,
Given Jillian a FAT paycheck?
The correct answer is that it’s tripled, and they all get it right. The last question is answered incorrectly by blue and white and correctly by red, so they win. TIE BREAKER. New question! Aaaaaand after a commercial break, the winner is:
Bearclaws for everyone!
Jeff from blue is all bent out of shape cause he sucked last week. The other teams start working out while Blue accepts their punishment. They start poring shit all over the food to make it seem less tempting. Not a bad strategy actually. Bob offers some BRILLIANT wisdom and reminds us what a drama queen Jill is. He’s not worried about his contestants but of course she’s losing her shit. I don’t really give a shit about either of them, and I think I’ve finally realized I’m rooting for creep ass Dolvett (save for Gina). As they start to workout, Dolvett realizes he hasn’t had an emotional breakthrough with someone in a while, and Cate and her 90′s braid are the lucky winners!
This makes me miss Conair infomercials.
This is less emotional than they were going for, and I blame her braid. I think she’s going home this episode. Bob ventures into the blue room, and joins what looks like every Friday night for my friends and me:
You wanna do something? Nah.
Francey Pants is working out with white, soooo cool? Before long she’s having an emotional breakthrough about her father being a dick, and maybe she’s going home and not Cate. Or maybe my theory is garbage, or maybe this show is garbage and I’ve already spent too much time theorizing about it. And I digress. This makes me wonder how many obese people really have these deep rooted issues? Or do they just love shitty food? Who knows. I know my chubby ass is chubby because I love fries, not because my dad is an alcoholic. My dad IS an alcoholic, that’s just not why I’m chubby. KIDDING he’s not.
Time to check in with the kids! Bob is video chatting Biingo, by himself, in a big room with a webcam.
I need an adult.
He’s sending over a child obesity expert to fix their lives. Bob tells him the expert is going to help them with nutrition. Hopefully it’s the one with the tits from last season that Jeremy had a crush on.
SPOILER ALERT: It’s not.
She tells him he looks at screens too much, tells Sunny she eats too many carbs, and tells Lindsay she has prediabetes. Also, Sunny’s mom gives us some insight onto why Sunny might be overweight.
I give it 5 seconds before the Oompa Loompas come roll her away through Wonka’s factory.
I only act like a total dick because I’m a total dick, so, sorry. Lindsay’s family is shocked about her condition, but willing to change. Dr. Joanna (the nutritionist) throws away a bunch of good food, why can’t she like donate it or something? Hell I’ll take it for that matter. What do we have to do to get Lindsay’s sister some more screen time?
Take notes Allison/Jillian
After commercial, the blue team is let out of their prison! Now they are going to spend 4 hours in Bob’s on little prison. Pretty standard mini workout session (no emotional breakthroughs though). Challenge time! We’re joined tonight by Miss Piggy.
Oh Kermie.
The contestants have to do an obstacle course where they climb through what looks like Pepto Bismol to a “gumball machine” which is really a medicine ball machine and then go back to their team. Bearclaw and David (the one who finally talked) aren’t medically cleared to play, so Danni is playing for Blue and Bearclaw is “rooting” for red. The prize is free groceries for a year, including free Biggest Loser vegetables. Ugh. The obstacle course is going as you could imagine, I mean climbing through Pepto Bismol wouldn’t be easy for me either, in the contestants’ defense.
Missed product placement maybe?
It’s pretty neck and neck, with Cate providing some pretty cutesy commentary. She’s good at being cutesy I suppose. The teams are really struggling with the Pepto Bismol. I struggle with it to, cause that shit is gross. I’d rather just fart all over my house and watch my dog try and avoid me. Danni and Gina are wrecking shit, cementing my love for both of them. Utah is about to barf all over the Pepto Bismol pit, which also would have made me like him more.
Yes.
Annoying Mike’s knee is bothering him, so it puts blue behind. Red wins! Free groceries all around! Hooray. On to Last Chance Workouts! Not to be upstaged by Allison, Dolvett finds a way to wear even worse clothes.
Thank god your jacket is sleeveless in case you get cold. Also, is he staring at Conair’s tits?
Bearclaw is worried about working out in Jillian’s torture chamber, because she sucked so bad last time. And so far, it’s working out pretty well for her, even Jill is impressed. Dolvett has taken Conair aside again, so now I’m REALLY thinking she’s going home, which is kind of sad, cause she’s cute. Bearclaw is doing fine, and then starts crying, for no reason actually. Jillian is (understandably) pissed. She was even encouraging her and telling her how good she was doing, but for some reason she’s STILL crying. I don’t see any actual tears though…
I just have a lot of feelings.
Get your shit together Carol (another Bridesmaid reference, that movie changed me). I have to completely agree with Jill here (as much as that pains me). I think Bearclaw is being a drama queen. I compare her to Gina, who is similar in physique and age, and while she gets pissed and swears at Bob, she still shuts up and does it, and her team so far hasn’t lost. I think if Bearclaw would just wake the fuck up and quit crying, she would see more success.
Anyway, blue team is still in the bad boy box, and Bob shows up to make them workout while they’re in there. He makes them do exercises without equipment, so that’s kind of cool I suppose. Though I still hate his tattoos. I’m hoping he makes them barf all over that food, that would be entertainment.
He’s into weird shit I guess.
David can only bike, so he kicks him out, and they all pretty much love/hate the workout. Weigh in time! Allison is playing it safe tonight with her shitty wardrobe (thank god):
Though you still manage to make a plain black shirt look frumpy and unflattering.
There is no red line, but a yellow line, so voting is back. Also, there is a new voting room this season and the voting is now anonymous. That’s kind of exciting. Jeff from blue is up first! He’s worried about not coming through, but he loses 11 so go him. Attractive Alex loses 6, and so does David. Annoying Michael loses 13 and Gina my love puts up an 8. Good job Blue. Red team: Francey pants loses 5, Flipper loses 9, Utah only loses 2. Uh oh, this isn’t looking good for my team. Conair also loses 2 and it really isn’t looking good. Yeah I’m pretty sure she’s going home. Aaand 2 is the magic number because Likable Lisa also loses 2. Dolvett is pissed because it doesn’t reflect the work they put in. Welp, blue team is safe. White team is up and Danni loses 6, and she’s happy. I like Danni. Bearclaw is up. Jillian says “Just one pound Pam!” and Bearclaw responds with “If you jinx me right now I’ll fly off this stage and body tackle you”. First of all, Bearclaw can fly now? And second, body tackle? As opposed to vagina tackle her? Which she’d probably love. Anyway she loses a FUCKING 9 and is annoyingly happy about it. Ugh.
This is where you get the fuck off my scale -Allison
And she’s the biggest loser of the week. Bleh. I know I used to like her, but this episode made me hate her. Red team is bummed and so am I. Flipper is immune because he’s the biggest loser on his team. Conair and Utah both think it’s gonna be them, and I think it’s gonna be Conair. That’s sad I like both of them. Wah. Oh and I was wrong I guess it’s not anonymous, but they just cast their votes in a closed room and then reveal them later? Weird. Conair votes for Utah, Utah votes for Lisa, Francey Pants votes for Conair, Flipper votes for Conair, and Lisa votes for Conair. I was right but it’s a bummer. Her flashbacks make me hate Bearclaw even more. She really tried and didn’t get all mopey for no reason. Ugh. Oh well she looks great at the check in and she still plans on running her marathon. Good for her but boo Bearclaw ya bitch.
Anyway, sorry if this seemed short, was this episode shorter than others? Or was there just less to write about? Who knows. Is anyone else kind of over Bearclaw? And do you guys love the red team (plus Gina) as much as I do? What about Allison? Am I too mean? Probably. Sound off in the comments!
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7 Comments
Great recap!
I honestly don’t think there’s less content than usual. I think this is a 2-hour show with about 1/2 hour of actual content.
Back when they had the seasons on Netflix, I watched all of them, and it became a pattern of “Show start/find out weekly crap/challenge/speed through weigh-in for numbers (and watch for anyone to look aghast so I know that someone just did something dickish)”.
I always skipped the Dr stuff, because how often can you hear “You have diabetes and your veins all look like snausages” before it gets old? And the workouts are all “Work/cry/occasionally puke”. Not exactly thrilling.
Unfortunately, now that I’m watching this “real time” (on NBC.com) it’s harder to do.
I’m totally over Bear Claw. I relate much more to the contestants than the trainers since I am pitifully out of shape, but if I were on a team that was down to 2 people and one of said 2 started having a little cryfest in the middle of the workout, you might not even be able to hear Jillian over my screams. Like, is murder motivational? Because if you don’t quit crying and start moving your ass, you’re going to be eliminated permanently. By me.
I hate Bearclaw.
She’s a bitchy baby and her nonsense on the scale over her weight loss was so unacceptably disrespectful to the losing team.
Of course you can be happy for your achievements, but all that singing and dancing was way too much and so unnecessary. I didn’t need to see her pasty protruding belly wiggling from side to side like that either. I wish Allison had been like Bitch gitcho ass off my scale, but of course she couldn’t.
I know she wanted to though.
I liked Cate before, but this episode, she was kind of a sadsack.
She seemed happier at home, honestly.
Didn’t like the childhood obesity expert. I wish that bitch would come to my house and start throwing away my brownie mix and shit.
People pay for that food…even if it’s not healthy, it’s still perfectly edible food. At least go donate it.
Or are they trying to tell us that it’s better that needy people starve to death than eat cosmic brownies and ho hos? Because I think need people would strongly disagree. I feel the same way about the massive amounts of food that they procure just to torture contestants on the ranch. I like her and I know why she did it, but watching Alex pour orange juice all over all that food made me want to rip her throat out. Bitch that is still perfectly good food. Some starving people who would kill for that food.
I think most big people just like food or they overeat because they are bored or stressed.
But people who eat until they get to the size of some folks on the biggest loser usually have some kind of emotional or mental component to it. At my heaviest, I could have fit right in at the biggest loser ranch, and I was a bigtime emotional eater. Like I would eat until my face hurt from chewing.
Nobody gets to like 240, 250, 300, 400, 500 pounds just because they like food.
Dear Taterz: Imma let you finish, but you’ve fallen down on The Biggest Loser Recap job so it looks like I’ll have to do it myself. I can’t do screen shots, but I can type, dammit.
First, the week we skipped, Jan. 21: Allison walked in and told them three other people would be leaving this week. The players all lost about 3 pounds immediately as they crapped themselves. But, JUST KIDDING: it’s the trainers that are leaving, not actual players. They’re going to hang out with the kids all week. But first, they all meet with their teams and tell them to work hard and pull together as a team, and it’s a fairly long, boring segment that I handle by zoning out and making a shopping list in my head.
Anyway, Bob goes to Biingo’s house and it’s really sad because he lives in a relative’s basement because his parents have lost their home due to the recession. OMG. Let me adopt him, please, because I think he’s adorbs. I love chubby little boys and I have a giant home with several extra rooms. Heck, I’ll take the whole family if the adults will make serious efforts to get jobs, any jobs. This is followed by long, sad story, blah, blah. I edit my mental shopping list.
And we’re back at the Ranch. Pam and Danni, the remaining two white team, are feeling intimidated by the other teams. They should; having only two people is not good. Blue Team Michael is edited as slacking, but who knows if he is or not? I’m going to just let it be known here: I dislike every single person on the blue team, so I could care less. Or I couldn’t care less — which is it? Gina whines and spits and I zone out because I just don’t like her at all.
To the Red Team! Holy canoli, Batman! Utah has stepped up to the plate and turned into a workout beast! He’s a fat, white Dolvett, only more real-looking. I want him to win.
On to L.A. and Jillian messing with Sunny’s life. It goes on and on, but, as a mom and as someone with a lot of general parenting knowledge, here’s what makes my eyes bug out: Jillian notes, rightly, that Sunny is cracking under the pressure of trying to keep up with her grades and her extracurricular activities. So, what does she suggest? That Sunny add rowing to her schedule! WTF? Why not take something out of her schedule, not add something in? Or better yet, get Sunny a treadmill desk so she can get keep up with her studies without being sedentary.
Dolvett goes to Filmore, California (ugh, no offense, but that’s not one of the best parts of the state) to hook up with Lindsay. Not literally, of course, that would be creepy. How does she have such a freaking hot sister, by the way? Why not just do whatever she does. But, back to Lindsay who wants to be a cheerleader, but was teased by the cheerleaders for being fat when she tried out last year. So Dolvett brings out the cheerleaders to teach he and Lindsay a routine (um, Dolvette? Clapping is not a workout. Dumb.) I’m seriously conflicted about this idea. Lindsay is at the age where her peers are extremely cruel and unforgiving. I don’t feel like they’re going to say, “Oh, Lindsay is now cool because she’s trying so hard.” I feel like what they’re saying is, “Loser. But at least she got us on TV.” While rolling their eyes.
Again, back to the ranch! The players have to run a 5K. Everyone whines. Utah makes a funny joke. The run is for charity, but the winning team also gets to split $15K. Pam, who I dislike almost as much as I do everyone on the blue team, gets greedy because there are only two on her team.
Run, Forrest, Run! And Allison and a bunch of random people that they hardly ever show. At one point Utah’s lungs start to shut down and Dr. H shows up! Hi Dr. H! You’re kind of odd-looking, but you seem like a compassionate guy. Everyone on the blue team is walking and whining. Lazies. This is exhibit A of why I don’t like them. It seems like it takes them an hour to run what is, essentially, 3 miles. They’re being lapped by women with strollers. But I think it must be editing because they don’t really show any times, and even an unfit person would be able to walk a 5K in about 45 minutes. White Team Lisa finishes first, and I can’t help but notes that running to her right is an extremely hot guy. I’m hoping she got to know him better after she toweled off the sweat.
Eventually, white team wins! They don’t tell which place red or blue finish, but I’m thinking red is second and blue third, based upon when the team members came in. Oh, and they announce the white team’s average time: 38:20. As I suspected, they were not running half the day. Oh, editing. How you drag shit out.
Back to Jillian ruining Sunny’s life by adding rowing to her schedule. Barb, the coach, wants to hit Jillian with an oar and so do I. They row and and Jillian threatens the crew, which, if I had been Barb, would have been the last thing she ever said. Later, Jillian sits down with Sunny and her mom and they have a nice talk, but it seems forced. I get the impression that Sunny and her mom actually have a great relationship and a lot of Sunny’s “pressure” is self-imposed because she is a mature kid with mature goals and probably takes six AP courses, as well as all the other extra stuff kids have to do to A. Get into a good college, and, B. Get that college to give you money. I have 3 kids in college, I know this stuff. I pity Jillian’s children. Jeez. She’s just not aware of how it works.
Bob sets Biingo up to play baseball with some minor league player I’ve never heard of but they have so much fun, and Biingo is so cute, and Bob is so puzzled by this thing they call “baseball,” that it’s kind of a fun segment.
Back at the ranch, the trainers rejoin their teams and get caught up on how they’ve been doing. During the last chance workout, Jillian inexplicably flips out on Jeff from the blue team. I mean, I loathe Jeff, I think he’s a douche, but why is she pounding someone who’s not even on her team? Even Bob is like, “Back off, Jill.” Of course, he doesn’t say that to her, just to the camera, because he’s afraid she’ll go after him with one of the sledges Jeff is using to unenthusiastically hit tires. What a stupid workout that is, btw.
Anyway, Jillian going batshit is a long, pointless segment, but I can’t really escape since I watch this while I’m exercising, so I just sort of zone out for a while. However, I do want to say that Gina, once again, goes on and on about how she just doesn’t feel she was working hard this week. Doesn’t she say that every week? Why not just work hard?
Weigh in! Blah, blah, blah, and they recap the week. Blue team is up first. I’m not going to go into great detail, except to say Jeff only loses 6 pound and Jillian almost pops with her smirky, self-righteous, “I told you so” look. Blue team loses 40 pounds (2.75%), red team 34 pounds (3.16%) and white team 9 pounds (2.05%) and Pam only lost 3 pounds, so bye Pam! I don’t think anyone will miss her except her teammate, Danni, who is now all alone with Jillian. She’ll probably make her join a rowing team in her spare time. Pam has lost 55 pounds and looks nice, but she’s too old to be the “Damn Girl” she thinks she’s going to be. Sorry Pam, it’s just reality. Also, she does that whooping, look at me I’m so freaking awesome thing she did last week when she lost a bunch of weight, and it makes me ever more glad that she’s gone.
Sorry Taterz, but someone had to do it.
Did you really just write an entire recap in the comments though.
Holy shit but that was rude and unnecessary ziplock. If you have that much time on your hands how about doing something useful and drive around the country looking for the last twinkies!
It was not my intention to be rude at all, and I apologize if I came off that way. I think Taterz is a great, hilarious writer, as are all the Tvgasm recappers. Here’s the story: I was in bed with the flu last week, bored out of my skull. Caught up on TBL on my DVR. Realized they had not been recapped in a couple of weeks. Remember last season, and maybe the season before when recapping of this show just stopped? I assumed (I know what happens when you assume, so no reminders needed), so thought I”d entertain myself my trying my hand at recapping. I’m super glad Taterz is back (and well) as he’s so much funnier than I am. Although, to be honest, I’m pretty damn funny when I’m not sick. No harm intended, carry on Taterz! And I hope the rest of the Gasmi world can find it in their hearts to forgive me for what was, apparently, an egregious breach of protocol.