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Hello Gasmii! Here we are again with another fun filled week of The Biggest Loser. Brace yourselves! Previously on TBL, we were on “a crusade to fight childhood obesity”. Here we go a-crusadin’. Nate was one pound short and had to go home, and Jillian’s white team is down to 2 players. Sniffle.
The white team is lamenting their overall failure as a team. Bearclaw sums it up perfectly:
Well I’m stuck with her for at least an entire season, you Bearclaw might (probably will) go home this episode. It’s a blessing. Next the contestants are called into a huge room full of delicious and terrible food. Which is when I notice how fucked up the hamburgers look…
Really though, it’s weird. The room is also full of tv and video games, and Allison reminds us how terrible all of this is for children. It cuts to the kiddies (is that a creepy word? probably) talking about how much tv they watch/junk food they eat. Then Allison drops ANOTHER. HUGE. BOMB. on the contestants. Whoever knows the least about food will be locked in here for 4 hours a day. That would be easy for me, seeing as I’m not sure those hamburgers are even soft enough to chew. David is STUNNED.
I’m still not convinced.
Allison will ask them 5 questions, each one being worth 5 points. The fewest points gets locked in the food dungeon. First question! What percentage of children are obese? They’re off to a great start, because they get it all wrong. HA. And they all get the next one wrong. Can we lock them all in there? I wonder if they’d all start hooking up with each other like on The Real World and Big Brother…hmmm…they all get the next one right, which is what is the greatest source of sugar (it’s sugary drinks). As for the next question,
The correct answer is that it’s tripled, and they all get it right. The last question is answered incorrectly by blue and white and correctly by red, so they win. TIE BREAKER. New question! Aaaaaand after a commercial break, the winner is:
Jeff from blue is all bent out of shape cause he sucked last week. The other teams start working out while Blue accepts their punishment. They start poring shit all over the food to make it seem less tempting. Not a bad strategy actually. Bob offers some BRILLIANT wisdom and reminds us what a drama queen Jill is. He’s not worried about his contestants but of course she’s losing her shit. I don’t really give a shit about either of them, and I think I’ve finally realized I’m rooting for creep ass Dolvett (save for Gina). As they start to workout, Dolvett realizes he hasn’t had an emotional breakthrough with someone in a while, and Cate and her 90′s braid are the lucky winners!
This is less emotional than they were going for, and I blame her braid. I think she’s going home this episode. Bob ventures into the blue room, and joins what looks like every Friday night for my friends and me:
Francey Pants is working out with white, soooo cool? Before long she’s having an emotional breakthrough about her father being a dick, and maybe she’s going home and not Cate. Or maybe my theory is garbage, or maybe this show is garbage and I’ve already spent too much time theorizing about it. And I digress. This makes me wonder how many obese people really have these deep rooted issues? Or do they just love shitty food? Who knows. I know my chubby ass is chubby because I love fries, not because my dad is an alcoholic. My dad IS an alcoholic, that’s just not why I’m chubby. KIDDING he’s not.
Time to check in with the kids! Bob is video chatting Biingo, by himself, in a big room with a webcam.
He’s sending over a child obesity expert to fix their lives. Bob tells him the expert is going to help them with nutrition. Hopefully it’s the one with the tits from last season that Jeremy had a crush on.
She tells him he looks at screens too much, tells Sunny she eats too many carbs, and tells Lindsay she has prediabetes. Also, Sunny’s mom gives us some insight onto why Sunny might be overweight.
I only act like a total dick because I’m a total dick, so, sorry. Lindsay’s family is shocked about her condition, but willing to change. Dr. Joanna (the nutritionist) throws away a bunch of good food, why can’t she like donate it or something? Hell I’ll take it for that matter. What do we have to do to get Lindsay’s sister some more screen time?
After commercial, the blue team is let out of their prison! Now they are going to spend 4 hours in Bob’s on little prison. Pretty standard mini workout session (no emotional breakthroughs though). Challenge time! We’re joined tonight by Miss Piggy.
The contestants have to do an obstacle course where they climb through what looks like Pepto Bismol to a “gumball machine” which is really a medicine ball machine and then go back to their team. Bearclaw and David (the one who finally talked) aren’t medically cleared to play, so Danni is playing for Blue and Bearclaw is “rooting” for red. The prize is free groceries for a year, including free Biggest Loser vegetables. Ugh. The obstacle course is going as you could imagine, I mean climbing through Pepto Bismol wouldn’t be easy for me either, in the contestants’ defense.
It’s pretty neck and neck, with Cate providing some pretty cutesy commentary. She’s good at being cutesy I suppose. The teams are really struggling with the Pepto Bismol. I struggle with it to, cause that shit is gross. I’d rather just fart all over my house and watch my dog try and avoid me. Danni and Gina are wrecking shit, cementing my love for both of them. Utah is about to barf all over the Pepto Bismol pit, which also would have made me like him more.
Annoying Mike’s knee is bothering him, so it puts blue behind. Red wins! Free groceries all around! Hooray. On to Last Chance Workouts! Not to be upstaged by Allison, Dolvett finds a way to wear even worse clothes.
Bearclaw is worried about working out in Jillian’s torture chamber, because she sucked so bad last time. And so far, it’s working out pretty well for her, even Jill is impressed. Dolvett has taken Conair aside again, so now I’m REALLY thinking she’s going home, which is kind of sad, cause she’s cute. Bearclaw is doing fine, and then starts crying, for no reason actually. Jillian is (understandably) pissed. She was even encouraging her and telling her how good she was doing, but for some reason she’s STILL crying. I don’t see any actual tears though…
Get your shit together Carol (another Bridesmaid reference, that movie changed me). I have to completely agree with Jill here (as much as that pains me). I think Bearclaw is being a drama queen. I compare her to Gina, who is similar in physique and age, and while she gets pissed and swears at Bob, she still shuts up and does it, and her team so far hasn’t lost. I think if Bearclaw would just wake the fuck up and quit crying, she would see more success.
Anyway, blue team is still in the bad boy box, and Bob shows up to make them workout while they’re in there. He makes them do exercises without equipment, so that’s kind of cool I suppose. Though I still hate his tattoos. I’m hoping he makes them barf all over that food, that would be entertainment.
David can only bike, so he kicks him out, and they all pretty much love/hate the workout. Weigh in time! Allison is playing it safe tonight with her shitty wardrobe (thank god):
There is no red line, but a yellow line, so voting is back. Also, there is a new voting room this season and the voting is now anonymous. That’s kind of exciting. Jeff from blue is up first! He’s worried about not coming through, but he loses 11 so go him. Attractive Alex loses 6, and so does David. Annoying Michael loses 13 and Gina my love puts up an 8. Good job Blue. Red team: Francey pants loses 5, Flipper loses 9, Utah only loses 2. Uh oh, this isn’t looking good for my team. Conair also loses 2 and it really isn’t looking good. Yeah I’m pretty sure she’s going home. Aaand 2 is the magic number because Likable Lisa also loses 2. Dolvett is pissed because it doesn’t reflect the work they put in. Welp, blue team is safe. White team is up and Danni loses 6, and she’s happy. I like Danni. Bearclaw is up. Jillian says “Just one pound Pam!” and Bearclaw responds with “If you jinx me right now I’ll fly off this stage and body tackle you”. First of all, Bearclaw can fly now? And second, body tackle? As opposed to vagina tackle her? Which she’d probably love. Anyway she loses a FUCKING 9 and is annoyingly happy about it. Ugh.
And she’s the biggest loser of the week. Bleh. I know I used to like her, but this episode made me hate her. Red team is bummed and so am I. Flipper is immune because he’s the biggest loser on his team. Conair and Utah both think it’s gonna be them, and I think it’s gonna be Conair. That’s sad I like both of them. Wah. Oh and I was wrong I guess it’s not anonymous, but they just cast their votes in a closed room and then reveal them later? Weird. Conair votes for Utah, Utah votes for Lisa, Francey Pants votes for Conair, Flipper votes for Conair, and Lisa votes for Conair. I was right but it’s a bummer. Her flashbacks make me hate Bearclaw even more. She really tried and didn’t get all mopey for no reason. Ugh. Oh well she looks great at the check in and she still plans on running her marathon. Good for her but boo Bearclaw ya bitch.
Anyway, sorry if this seemed short, was this episode shorter than others? Or was there just less to write about? Who knows. Is anyone else kind of over Bearclaw? And do you guys love the red team (plus Gina) as much as I do? What about Allison? Am I too mean? Probably. Sound off in the comments!