The Biggest Loser Recap: It’s Quikwrap from Conair

7 Comments

1. 1
   JimbobJones
   Posted January 18, 2013 at 2:27 pm

   Great recap!

   I honestly don’t think there’s less content than usual. I think this is a 2-hour show with about 1/2 hour of actual content.

   Back when they had the seasons on Netflix, I watched all of them, and it became a pattern of “Show start/find out weekly crap/challenge/speed through weigh-in for numbers (and watch for anyone to look aghast so I know that someone just did something dickish)”.

   I always skipped the Dr stuff, because how often can you hear “You have diabetes and your veins all look like snausages” before it gets old? And the workouts are all “Work/cry/occasionally puke”. Not exactly thrilling.

   Unfortunately, now that I’m watching this “real time” (on NBC.com) it’s harder to do.

2. 2
   speegee
   Posted January 18, 2013 at 4:26 pm

   I’m totally over Bear Claw. I relate much more to the contestants than the trainers since I am pitifully out of shape, but if I were on a team that was down to 2 people and one of said 2 started having a little cryfest in the middle of the workout, you might not even be able to hear Jillian over my screams. Like, is murder motivational? Because if you don’t quit crying and start moving your ass, you’re going to be eliminated permanently. By me.

3. 3
   chaosbutterfly
   Posted January 19, 2013 at 5:04 pm

   I hate Bearclaw.
   She’s a bitchy baby and her nonsense on the scale over her weight loss was so unacceptably disrespectful to the losing team.
   Of course you can be happy for your achievements, but all that singing and dancing was way too much and so unnecessary. I didn’t need to see her pasty protruding belly wiggling from side to side like that either. I wish Allison had been like Bitch gitcho ass off my scale, but of course she couldn’t.
   I know she wanted to though.

   I liked Cate before, but this episode, she was kind of a sadsack.
   She seemed happier at home, honestly.

   Didn’t like the childhood obesity expert. I wish that bitch would come to my house and start throwing away my brownie mix and shit.
   People pay for that food…even if it’s not healthy, it’s still perfectly edible food. At least go donate it.
   Or are they trying to tell us that it’s better that needy people starve to death than eat cosmic brownies and ho hos? Because I think need people would strongly disagree. I feel the same way about the massive amounts of food that they procure just to torture contestants on the ranch. I like her and I know why she did it, but watching Alex pour orange juice all over all that food made me want to rip her throat out. Bitch that is still perfectly good food. Some starving people who would kill for that food.

   I think most big people just like food or they overeat because they are bored or stressed.
   But people who eat until they get to the size of some folks on the biggest loser usually have some kind of emotional or mental component to it. At my heaviest, I could have fit right in at the biggest loser ranch, and I was a bigtime emotional eater. Like I would eat until my face hurt from chewing.
   Nobody gets to like 240, 250, 300, 400, 500 pounds just because they like food.

4. 4
   ZipLock
   Posted January 30, 2013 at 1:22 pm

   Dear Taterz: Imma let you finish, but you’ve fallen down on The Biggest Loser Recap job so it looks like I’ll have to do it myself. I can’t do screen shots, but I can type, dammit.

   First, the week we skipped, Jan. 21: Allison walked in and told them three other people would be leaving this week. The players all lost about 3 pounds immediately as they crapped themselves. But, JUST KIDDING: it’s the trainers that are leaving, not actual players. They’re going to hang out with the kids all week. But first, they all meet with their teams and tell them to work hard and pull together as a team, and it’s a fairly long, boring segment that I handle by zoning out and making a shopping list in my head.

   Anyway, Bob goes to Biingo’s house and it’s really sad because he lives in a relative’s basement because his parents have lost their home due to the recession. OMG. Let me adopt him, please, because I think he’s adorbs. I love chubby little boys and I have a giant home with several extra rooms. Heck, I’ll take the whole family if the adults will make serious efforts to get jobs, any jobs. This is followed by long, sad story, blah, blah. I edit my mental shopping list.

   And we’re back at the Ranch. Pam and Danni, the remaining two white team, are feeling intimidated by the other teams. They should; having only two people is not good. Blue Team Michael is edited as slacking, but who knows if he is or not? I’m going to just let it be known here: I dislike every single person on the blue team, so I could care less. Or I couldn’t care less — which is it? Gina whines and spits and I zone out because I just don’t like her at all.

   To the Red Team! Holy canoli, Batman! Utah has stepped up to the plate and turned into a workout beast! He’s a fat, white Dolvett, only more real-looking. I want him to win.

   On to L.A. and Jillian messing with Sunny’s life. It goes on and on, but, as a mom and as someone with a lot of general parenting knowledge, here’s what makes my eyes bug out: Jillian notes, rightly, that Sunny is cracking under the pressure of trying to keep up with her grades and her extracurricular activities. So, what does she suggest? That Sunny add rowing to her schedule! WTF? Why not take something out of her schedule, not add something in? Or better yet, get Sunny a treadmill desk so she can get keep up with her studies without being sedentary.

   Dolvett goes to Filmore, California (ugh, no offense, but that’s not one of the best parts of the state) to hook up with Lindsay. Not literally, of course, that would be creepy. How does she have such a freaking hot sister, by the way? Why not just do whatever she does. But, back to Lindsay who wants to be a cheerleader, but was teased by the cheerleaders for being fat when she tried out last year. So Dolvett brings out the cheerleaders to teach he and Lindsay a routine (um, Dolvette? Clapping is not a workout. Dumb.) I’m seriously conflicted about this idea. Lindsay is at the age where her peers are extremely cruel and unforgiving. I don’t feel like they’re going to say, “Oh, Lindsay is now cool because she’s trying so hard.” I feel like what they’re saying is, “Loser. But at least she got us on TV.” While rolling their eyes.

   Again, back to the ranch! The players have to run a 5K. Everyone whines. Utah makes a funny joke. The run is for charity, but the winning team also gets to split $15K. Pam, who I dislike almost as much as I do everyone on the blue team, gets greedy because there are only two on her team.
   Run, Forrest, Run! And Allison and a bunch of random people that they hardly ever show. At one point Utah’s lungs start to shut down and Dr. H shows up! Hi Dr. H! You’re kind of odd-looking, but you seem like a compassionate guy. Everyone on the blue team is walking and whining. Lazies. This is exhibit A of why I don’t like them. It seems like it takes them an hour to run what is, essentially, 3 miles. They’re being lapped by women with strollers. But I think it must be editing because they don’t really show any times, and even an unfit person would be able to walk a 5K in about 45 minutes. White Team Lisa finishes first, and I can’t help but notes that running to her right is an extremely hot guy. I’m hoping she got to know him better after she toweled off the sweat.

   Eventually, white team wins! They don’t tell which place red or blue finish, but I’m thinking red is second and blue third, based upon when the team members came in. Oh, and they announce the white team’s average time: 38:20. As I suspected, they were not running half the day. Oh, editing. How you drag shit out.

   Back to Jillian ruining Sunny’s life by adding rowing to her schedule. Barb, the coach, wants to hit Jillian with an oar and so do I. They row and and Jillian threatens the crew, which, if I had been Barb, would have been the last thing she ever said. Later, Jillian sits down with Sunny and her mom and they have a nice talk, but it seems forced. I get the impression that Sunny and her mom actually have a great relationship and a lot of Sunny’s “pressure” is self-imposed because she is a mature kid with mature goals and probably takes six AP courses, as well as all the other extra stuff kids have to do to A. Get into a good college, and, B. Get that college to give you money. I have 3 kids in college, I know this stuff. I pity Jillian’s children. Jeez. She’s just not aware of how it works.

   Bob sets Biingo up to play baseball with some minor league player I’ve never heard of but they have so much fun, and Biingo is so cute, and Bob is so puzzled by this thing they call “baseball,” that it’s kind of a fun segment.

   Back at the ranch, the trainers rejoin their teams and get caught up on how they’ve been doing. During the last chance workout, Jillian inexplicably flips out on Jeff from the blue team. I mean, I loathe Jeff, I think he’s a douche, but why is she pounding someone who’s not even on her team? Even Bob is like, “Back off, Jill.” Of course, he doesn’t say that to her, just to the camera, because he’s afraid she’ll go after him with one of the sledges Jeff is using to unenthusiastically hit tires. What a stupid workout that is, btw.

   Anyway, Jillian going batshit is a long, pointless segment, but I can’t really escape since I watch this while I’m exercising, so I just sort of zone out for a while. However, I do want to say that Gina, once again, goes on and on about how she just doesn’t feel she was working hard this week. Doesn’t she say that every week? Why not just work hard?

   Weigh in! Blah, blah, blah, and they recap the week. Blue team is up first. I’m not going to go into great detail, except to say Jeff only loses 6 pound and Jillian almost pops with her smirky, self-righteous, “I told you so” look. Blue team loses 40 pounds (2.75%), red team 34 pounds (3.16%) and white team 9 pounds (2.05%) and Pam only lost 3 pounds, so bye Pam! I don’t think anyone will miss her except her teammate, Danni, who is now all alone with Jillian. She’ll probably make her join a rowing team in her spare time. Pam has lost 55 pounds and looks nice, but she’s too old to be the “Damn Girl” she thinks she’s going to be. Sorry Pam, it’s just reality. Also, she does that whooping, look at me I’m so freaking awesome thing she did last week when she lost a bunch of weight, and it makes me ever more glad that she’s gone.

   Sorry Taterz, but someone had to do it.

5. 5
   chaosbutterfly
   Posted February 3, 2013 at 2:09 am

   Did you really just write an entire recap in the comments though.

6. 6
   lindaw205
   Posted February 3, 2013 at 4:08 am

   Holy shit but that was rude and unnecessary ziplock. If you have that much time on your hands how about doing something useful and drive around the country looking for the last twinkies!

7. 7
   ZipLock
   Posted February 3, 2013 at 6:21 am

   It was not my intention to be rude at all, and I apologize if I came off that way. I think Taterz is a great, hilarious writer, as are all the Tvgasm recappers. Here’s the story: I was in bed with the flu last week, bored out of my skull. Caught up on TBL on my DVR. Realized they had not been recapped in a couple of weeks. Remember last season, and maybe the season before when recapping of this show just stopped? I assumed (I know what happens when you assume, so no reminders needed), so thought I”d entertain myself my trying my hand at recapping. I’m super glad Taterz is back (and well) as he’s so much funnier than I am. Although, to be honest, I’m pretty damn funny when I’m not sick. No harm intended, carry on Taterz! And I hope the rest of the Gasmi world can find it in their hearts to forgive me for what was, apparently, an egregious breach of protocol.