The Challenge Recap: Knots and Dolts

Greetings, Gasmii! PopePhilly here filling in for VirginiaApple. I don’t know if you know, but there was a tiny rainstorm on the east coast this past week. A couple of people are without power and a few of them are recappers. I hope that I can slightly fill some very funny shoes for this week and hold you over until VirginiaApple is up and running again!

This is what comes up with you do a Google image search for “funny shoes.”

So, let’s get right into this week’s episode. We start out in the gym where we hear my new favorite phrase, “Strength comes in numbers – not personalities.” Don’t think about that for more than about a minute or your head might literally explode. Ashely interviews that since team Vegas is gone, Frank now despises Alton. 

I’m sure BO didn’t help the relationship.

Then we see Frank and Alton just trade middle school-level insults at one another. I think not mentally aging past 15 is a requirement for any show on MTV. There’s even a “one guy insinuates that another guy is gay” insult thrown in there. At least be creative with your insults, guys. Alton explains that he’s treating Frank the way he would treat barking dogs in a kennel – by just tuning it out. I guess to Alton, “tuning it out” means making immature comments under your breath. I wonder if any dogs he interacts with get as annoyed with him as I am.

Two minutes into my experience with you, Alton, and I already want to punch you in the face.

Oh, then Frank reacts just as calmly and rationally by standing as close as humanly possible to Alton. He keeps repeating, “Why are you bumping into me? Why are you bumping into me?” Seriously, that’s only a few degrees off of, “Why are you hitting yourself? Why are you hitting yourself?” If you didn’t stand three inches from Alton, he wouldn’t bump into you, Frank. The first few minutes of this show reminds me why I’ve tried to avoid MTV for the last decade or so. 

Losing you was the last straw.

We come out to the kitchen where the rest of the cast is making breakfast. Well, I’m assuming it’s breakfast. Everyone kind of looks like they’re in pajamas. That doesn’t really mean anything, though. If tend to stay in pajamas all weekend if I have nothing to do. Anyway, there’s an argument about going down to the beach. Alton doesn’t want to go. This offends Sarah for some reason. She explains that the two of them have a romantic connection. That is the weirdest romantic connection I’ve ever seen in my entire life. 

I don’t think that Sarah knows what “romantic” means.

Sarah is pissed off because if one person doesn’t want to go out, none of them can go out. She rants that Alton is throwing a temper tantrum like a little five-year-old. That’s how these shows work, Sarah. The more ridiculous and childish someone is, the more camera time this person gets. 

We get more complaining from Frank about Alton. Like Sarah, he’s complaining about not getting to go to the beach. Then Dustin and Frank fight about going to the beach. There are more threats of violence and, once again, Frank tries to get someone to hit him. I volunteer to hit Frank. I’m not on the show, so I can’t get kicked off. Dustin, like Alton, says that he’s not even listening to Frank anymore. I’m pretty sure that “not listening” to someone involves you not responding to them.

Apparently, this is what “not listening” looks like.

A clue from TJ arrives! The entire cast applauds. That’s the least applause-worthy thing I’ve ever seen. “If you think your opponents in the house are crazy, just wait until you see tomorrow’s challenge.” They have to be ready at six the next morning. 

The next day, the cast arrives in a field for “The Insane Games.” They will lose one team per event until there is a winner. The first two losers will compete against one another to determine who is the worst and will then have to go into the arena. The first event is a chariot race. One person on each team will act as the team’s horse. That person will have the honor of wearing a rubber horse mask. oh, MTV, you’re nothing without your dignity.

I’m not sure if the horse mask makes this show better or worse.

Knight isn’t sure if being on a two person team is an advantage or a disadvantage, but they want to win a challenge. On Team Brooklyn, JD is chosen to wear the horse mask. Chet says that he looks like a “pre-pubescent Secretariat.” I’m not even sure I’d know a pre-pubescent horse if I saw one. Identifying that is a strange skill to have, Chet. And the race begins!

Right away, I would imagine that Team New Orleans has an advantage because Knight is only pulling one person while the other “horses” have to pull three. Apparently I’m wrong, because Knight trips and falls. Las Vegas is in first place. JD complains about having to pull Chet, Chet’s ego (because concepts have physical weight now), Devyn’s boobs (but no mention of the rest of her), and Sarah. All of the teams are having trouble now. Most seem to agree that the mask makes it hard to breathe and hard to see.

The race is over! Cancun takes first place with San Diego in a close second. Vegas comes in third followed by New Orleans and St. Thomas. In a VERY far sixth place is Brooklyn. Chet states that JD was just horsing around too much. Chet gets one point from me for that pun. Frank is happy to watch Alton with an oxygen mask on. Oooh! Maybe they’ll have to break out a defibrillator soon and Frank can really be entertained. Sarah proves just how deep her and Alton’s “romantic connection” is when she tells us that she doesn’t really care what’s going on with him – she’s just worried about her team.

I don’t care if he can breathe or not. Now THAT’S love, baby.

Brooklyn is out of the next game. I’m not sure if that’s a punishment or a reward. The next challenge involves one team member throwing eggs over a wall while another team member catches them in the cone of shame dog collar. Yeah, I hope Team Brooklyn isn’t too sad about sitting this one out. Alton interviews that the games just get sillier. What did you expect from something called “The Insane Games”? The first team to catch six eggs wins. Each team has to pick two players. 

Knight thinks that he and Jemmye have this in the bag because she is a softball player and wants to hit him with eggs anyway. Cancun again takes the win! St. Thomas is our loser this game. Zach wants to apologize to his dog Lincoln for making fun of him while he had to wear a cone. I’m sure Lincoln can just laugh right back because he didn’t have to deal with eggs being thrown in his cone. Also, he probably had to wear one because of surgery – not to compete on a reality show. 

Try to maintain some dignity, Zach!

Marie takes responsibility for losing. I don’t think you need to apologize for not being good at throwing eggs over a wall into a dog collar. St. Thomas will now join Brooklyn in the losers’ round. 

The next game is Ear Pull. Two people will sit facing each other and will be joined together by a string looped around their ears. The point of the game is to get the string off your opponent’s ear using only your face. Who the fuck came up with this game? Were the producers of the show drunk when they thought of this? I can think of no other explanation. It will be best two out of three. The top two teams will go into a playoff round to see who wins the Insane Games. 

The parings are chosen randomly. New Orleans is competing against San Diego while Cancun takes on Las Vegas. I’ll just flat out say it. This is the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen in my entire life. 

I feel like Albert Einstein compared the cast of this show.

It really looks like each contestant is just trying to whip his or her head back quickly to rip the string on their opponent’s ear. I’m waiting for someone’s ear to just come flying off from this. Sadly, that doesn’t happen. Chet tries to figure out how ear size plays into someone’s odds of winning. Shut up, Chet. I take back that point I gave you for your pun earlier. 

It’s time for the final playoff between Las Vegas and New Orleans. Trishelle and Dustin (Las Vegas) will be competing against Knight and Jemmye (New Orleans). And the playoff is a joust because of course it is. Knight and Jemmye come out on top. Of course I giggle at the fact that a man named “Knight” wins a joust. New Orleans is now the power team and has to decide who will go into the arena against the losing team. 

It’s time for the losers playoff. They’re playing a game called “Fish Heads.” They have to try to knock their opponent off a platform using a 15 pound fish. I got nothing. I’m fully convinced that the producers were drunk when they came up with this. The whole thing looks exactly how you’d imagine it to look. Fish even explode all over the competitors. Laura even loses her fish. Now it’s just a game of dodge-fish. It comes down to Laura and Sarah to find out which team will go to the arena. Sarah emerges victorious and St. Thomas is the loser of the Insane Games. 

Reality TV show losers are the worst kinds of losers. 

 Back at the house, Alton is trying to get Vegas into the arena. He wants to go into the arena and go home because he can’t stand the people in the house. I hate people like this on competitive reality shows. You know what you signed up for. Get the fuck over it. Don’t act like you’re too cool to be here. Suck it up and do what they’re paying you to do. Also, I don’t care how lame the show is that you’re on, you’re on a damn team. Just because you don’t want to be there doesn’t mean that the rest of your team doesn’t want to be there. Act like there is more than just you on the damn show. 

*Rant over. Sorry.*

Well, Las Vegas is chosen to go in the arena against St. Thomas in a strategy game. Alton continues to tell people how much he doesn’t want to be here. He came on the show not looking to get to the final – just looking to have a vacation. I just can’t with this one anymore. 

It’s time for the arena challenge. St. Tomas sends in Laura and Trey against Nany and Dustin. I guess Alton’s team didn’t want him to throw the challenge. Good for them if they did stand up for themselves. Tonight’s elimination challenge is “Knot So Fast.” Basically, while one team tries to untie knots, the other team tries to retie them. After 10 minutes, they switch places. 

Trey is happy that Laura is his partner because she’s very athletic. Now, I could be wrong, but I didn’t realize that untying knots and untangling rope required much athleticism. Apparently, I’ve been an athlete since learning to tie my shoes.

And the gold medal in square knot tying goes to… 

Alton is fighting with his team. I find it rather odd that he talks about how grown men don’t get in each other’s (others’? I never know the apostrophe rule there) faces. After a few minutes of Alton being a real man and just whining and being passive aggressive, the game starts. This might be the most tedious challenge in the history of any reality show challenge. In the end, Vegas wins! Trey and Laura are going home. Trey feels blessed for having the experience on this show. I know they say God works in mysterious ways, but this show is most likely not a blessing in any form!

Before the show ends, there is more complaining about Alton and more complaining from Alton. He’s worried that his team is questioning whether or not his head is in the game. A few minutes ago you wanted to leave, Alton!?!?! That is why they’re questioning you!

Well, that’s it for this week. Thanks for letting me come play with you this week, Gasmii! I know I’m no VirginiaApple, but I hope I made you chuckle at least a little bit. Hopefully the ‘gasm will be back to normal once we all have power again.