Another week and another bunch of desperate girls wanting to get 15 minutes and a beard contract. For those of you who don’t watch this shit it’s basically The Voice but with a dating aspect. There are 4 bachelors or bachelorettes of the z list variety and a bunch of chicks and dudes who want to date them. In the first round each contestant has 30 seconds to make one of the 4 eligible turn around in hopes of possibly going on a dream date with them. The last eligible to add 3 contestants to their team is given a choice between two contestants who each have 15 seconds to convince the eligible to pick them. In round two, one of the three contestants is eliminated after a speed round of questions. The last round has the last two contestants each answering the same question and then depending on that, one is chosen for the dream date. Got it? Awesome…
Seth, Parker, Cat, Mike and Joe…Can I pick Cat?
This week we have Olympic Gold Medalist Snowboarder Seth Westcott, Loveline with Dr. Drew co-host Mike Catherwood, Suburgatory (it’s on ABC I think with Jeremy Sisto) actor Parker Young and Joe Jonas. Seriously though I thought he was the gay one in the group or is that the married one? Either way I do have to say that throughout the show Joe was the only guy that actually seemed very genuine and not a huge pervert. Seth was okay but he might have a slight case of duh duh duh from hitting one too many branches on the slopes because he was kind of slow. Either that or he was distracted by all the shiny bright lights. Parker was kind of non existant and quick to pull his “love handle” and Mike was just a huge douchebag which could explain why he is single.
Last week’s Choices
Before we start with round one from this week, let’s discuss the dates from last week and what happened. Romeo took his girl to a romantic dinner for two complete with some dude singing for them and they ended up exchanging numbers. You have to have the number so you can sext you know. That’s why Pauly and Elyse also exchanged numbers. I wonder if she’s going to pop up on this season of Jersey Shore as a number in that number drawer. That would make for a good crossover show. Jeremy took Rachael to one of those trampoline places but they didn’t hit it off likely because Jeremy is DATING Jessica Lowndes from 90210. I wonder if the show taped after he sent her off in the airport.Jason and Nia also didn’t connect but they didn’t seem to have anything in common and she was much taller than him which is awkward. I couldn’t date someone that I had to look down at because that is just weird.
Morgane, you’re special
The first round starts with Shannon who ends up getting to choose between Parker and Mike and selects Parker. I think it’s because Mike was so aggressive and she’s a Vegas cocktail waitress and those bitches can smell desperation from miles. The next few girls are all pretty much the same package so let’s skip to Morgane who was my stand out of the night. Morgan’s first words are that she is a sorority girl but she has a 3.5 GPA and so far I’m like okay she seems alright…but then she goes off on a tangent about liking anime and being the best at Dance Dance Revolution. First off who the hell still plays DDR and secondly why would you word vomit that you are pretty much weird. She does end up getting Seth to turn around and once he does she then goes on another tangent about skiing with her father and almost falling off a cliff and how scary it was. The other stand out is Amanda who sounded like she had balls in her mouth and once she announced that she was a poker player she had Mike and Parker interested as well as Joe. She told them that if they wanted to see her turn around then they needed to turn around which wasn’t much of a promise because she had no ass. I think Parker realized that and ended up trying to pawn her off on Mike saying that he wanted her on his team but Mike would be a better choice. She picked Joe instead. There was also Drunken Lindsey whose tits were hanging out and basically told everyone that she loved to drink a lot. No one turns around and Mike tells her that maybe it was because she loved to party a little too much and she slurs out that she does in fact love it. Parker is the last one to fill his team so he gets to choose between Becky and Tina and I think that Tina didn’t get selected because she’s a bitch. She tried to say that Parker should pick her because she’s the same age as him and Becky was not and then she asks him if he wants a woman or a little girl. Tina was hotter but only because Becky looked like a no upper lip version of a younger Ali Lohan.
Speed Round of Hell
The guys teams were filled as follows:
Seth – Morgane, Sarah and Blaire
Parker – Shannon, Melanie and Becky
Mike – Megan, Kerrya (wtf kind of name is this) and Keyonna
Joe – Kimberly, Amanda and Latika
The speed round was another clusterfuck but Cat tried to explain it a little better that it should be like speed dating. They both can ask questions of the other to get to know them better in the 15 seconds each group has. Some of the questions were pretty standard like what’s your favorite beer, what are your pasttimes, favorite band…you know those boring questions that really mean nothing at all. Then we get some interesting answers like Latika asking Joe if he likes to travel (which is a no brainer since he’s an international pop sensation) which she segued into do you like virgins because she’s a virgin. I totally didn’t buy the virgin act btw because when she presented herself she was all I’m a spicy Latina and thrusted around the stage and but once Joe turned around she busted out the virgin shit. I think it’s because supposedly the Jonas brothers are all virgins until marriage (except the bearded one who is now married since he has a kid). Mike asks Keyonna the importance of penis size and disses Kerrya for liking the Red Socks (best thing he said all day). Parker’s last pick Becky was still pissed about earlier and she ended up demanding him to ask her questions because they just looked at each other. I think he was trying to find her upper lip. Seth sends home Sarah, Parker sends home Melanie, Mike sends home Kerrya and Joe sends home Amanda. On to round 3 where each guy asks his final two picks the same question and then picks a “lucky” girl to take on a date.
Seth: Morgane, Sarah and Blaire
Seth wants to know what each girl would win a gold medal for since he has two for snowboarding. Morgane says that she would win for the quality of her kindess and that people say she is really sweet and great to lean on. Blaire says that she would win the well rounded award and throws out that she feed the homeless every week…for the past five months. Try it for more than a few months and then throw it out like you are charitable honey. Blaire is Seth’s choice and that is probably because she’s more outgoing and spunky whereas Morgane is special and Seth doesn’t like riding on the short bus because they can’t fit all his snowboarding gear.
Parker: Shannon, Melanie and Becky
Parker asks each girl what the biggest risk is that they ever took. Shannon is first and she says that her biggest risk is picking up and moving cross country to Vegas in hopes of having fun, going to college (they have those in Vegas?) and living with no regrets. She looks eerily like Lauren Conrad. Becky says that she has an identical twin and someone from the audience cheers which makes Becky side eye them. She says that her biggest risk is leaving her twin and moving forward with her life away from her. Parker walks up behind the two girls and puts his arms around them and Becky asks if he is allowed to touch both of them. She’s really bitter about that age thing from earlier and has carried that on throughout the show. Parker ends up picking Shannon because he’s not really looking for a relationship because if he was he wouldn’t have picked a cocktail waitress from Vegas. Plus Becky was bitter and kind of nasty to him and he just wants a fun time and some arm candy for that one red carpet he was invited to.
Mike: Megan, Kerrya and Keyonna
Mike wants to know who gave each girl the best advice on love and what was the advice that was given. You know because he’s on Loveline with Dr. Drew so they have to tie it in. Megan says that her mother told her to have fun and pick someone who has the same values as her. Keyonna says that her dad is her best friend and he says that you should never rely on anyone else. She starts going off that her ex tried to hold her back but now she’s an independent women with her own clothing line. Does everyone have their own line these days? If it’s that easy then I need to jump on this bandwagon. Mike in full dick move says that his old friend Tupac told him that the darker the berry, the sweeter the juice and picks Keyonna. Seriously even if you think that you keep that kind of shit to yourself. Megan was prettier in my opinion but both girls seemed sweet anyway so let’s hope Keyonna doesn’t fall for his bs.
Joe: Amanda (why are her legs so far apart?), Kimberly and Latika
See he picked the girl with her legs close, classy move Joe!
Joe wants to know what the most important thing is that each girl has committed to and why. Kimberly says that she has committed herself to taking care of her brother and sister and has helped her mom since she was young with this. She says that she will always be in their lives and will always look after them even as they are older. Latika throws out the virgin thing again saying she made a committment to God to wait until she finds somoene who she loves and that her family is also number one in her life. I really don’t buy the virgin story. I mean it’s cool if you want to be one but I think in her case she’s saying it to get on his good side because he was kind of known for that. Joe ends up picking Kimberly anyway because he’s looking for action because his virgin story was bullshit too! I don’t know if that is true or not but that’s who he picked.
Joe is the only one who offered his girl a seat.
Next week we will see a bit of their dates and meet our next round of hopefuls which include The Situation (bring your Valtrex!), Warren Sapp (bring your credit cards and cash he just filed for bankruptcy!), Taylor Hicks (bring your Just for Men!) and Rocco Dispirito (bring a spatula!). If you missed last week’s recap, you can find it here or you can watch the episode here. Does anyone else find this show completely stupid? Do you really think one of the guys will find true love off of the show or is this just a great way to get some free booty?
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