We have a contestant who sings as good as he cooks, which is BADLY. He’s out. NEXT!
Our next contestant is a former anchor who is married to a former baseball player and ohmygod the hate. THE HATE! Not really, but yeah. You know they don’t need $100k. She’s “writing a cookbook” and wants her own cooking show. Surprise surprise.
It was either this, or try out for the relaunch of “Murphy Brown,” but I dont think my sleeves are poofy enough.
This pink nightmare has some tricks up her sleeve though, and the judges are intrigued.
All the guys shoot her down, but Nigella takes her and they officially have a woman’s team of four. Now she can just hang out and munch away. Smart woman.
Next up we have a trio of vegan/vegetarian/raw chefs. On a side note, why the hell do these people audition for these things? Proteins, especially meat, is very important to most culinary endeavors and ARE YOU KIDDING ME- it’s Anthony Bourdain, people! Stop it. Just stop! He will not like you, ever. So stop. Yeesh.
This friggin idiot is not helping her case either. There’s a homeless woman by my office who walks around covered in her own urine rocking a tutu. In other words lady – you look crazy. stop it.
What’s really funny is that the screen just closes on her before everyone gets to say no, it’s really wonderful and I have to think the producers were behind that or God is good.
Needless to say, the vegan/vegetarian/raw food is not accepted well and they all call the vegetarians out right away. Everyone gets a good laugh at the moron with the tutu, but other than that forget it. They’re over it. Tony says he wants to vomit with terror.
Our next dude, is just that. A dude. He’s Gregg from NY and he’s a total guy’s guy. BUT he says he plans on bringing a sexy spoon to the table, and impressing the judges with his flavors.
Gregg is bringing sexy back, but just a spoonful. Maybe a tablespoon
Gregg’s sexy spoonful
The judges are all impressed, and OF COURSE both Ludo and Malarkey want him on their team, and I am giggling because this guy picks Ludo. You just know that Malarkey is losing sleep over it.
Of course, Gregg celebrates classily, as you do.
There is nothing sexy about this weird dry humping of the air, not even a teaspoon of sexy.
Our next dude is the ponytail with the scallops. Actually what is up with the scallops? I love scallops though, it just seems that people are crazy about cooking them on this show – a LOT.
Nigella thinks the flavors are fab and Ludo’s team is full but Tony is holding out for his last team member. Sorry ponytail dude.
Is it me, or does he look like the singer to a nineties rock band?
Adam’s sexy scallop spoonful (Dammit Gregg!)
Malarkey has one more space, and he picks the ponytail! What is really great about it though, is that the ponytail seems kind of disappointed. Or he’s high, it’s anybody’s guess.
They try and up the ante with Tony being the last one to fill his team, but seriously. Once they introduce us to Uno and she asks to drink all the sake, I am an instant fan. AND once she tells us she is making an Asian dish using gizzards? You just know the freak who loves the organ meat is going to choose her.
She’s a single Mom, of course, and loves to cook. What do you think Tony will say?
Uno promises to make Tony orgasm with one bite, and I say “It’s only 8:00 - watch your language!”
The producers pair her audition up against a total pompous ass who is so self aware and bragging to the camera the whole time and 1) I am not going to use his name because I won’t give him the pleasure of googling himself and 2) he’s a total waste of space. He really bugs me and creeps me out at once. It’s kind of like if the controlling evil husband from every single Lifetime movie auditioned for a cooking show – he would be THAT GUY. Ugh.
And drum roll please! Tony chooses Uno! He totally recognizees the flavors and their complexity and was very impressed, he was practically giddy. It was a great ending, and I am excited to see who is going to take this thing and to see Malarkey go toe to toe with Ludo.
We are all set with our teams and ready for the real competition to get going – Are you all ready? Watch with me, and let’s predict who you think will take it!
I have no idea, but I don’t know if a home cook can advance in this thing, but it’s anybody’s game!
And for your viewing pleasure, a gallery of our chefs chowing down . . .
Le nom nom nom